;)
Tuesday
Jan012008
Obligatory New Years Post
Tuesday, January 1, 2008 at 9:11PM
The first day of the New Year. It means, for me, cleaning out the cabinets (which sucks), getting ALL the laundry done (also sucks) washing our sheets (which are fucking gnarly) and wiping a few slates clean. What better way to do that (and NOT do the other stuff) that with the blog.
I spent the first 6 months of this year, and a few from the previous year, as a single mom. A frantic, scared, disorganized, afraid mom. This was my choice, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Mad props to Molly, to Darla, to Piper, to all of you who do this every day so seamlessly. My life did one of those super fabulous fun rewrites in the middle of the night one night, and some very tough choices had to be made.
Sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same.
That first half of '07 taught me so incredibly much about myself. I taught me to be content, and humble, and accepting. It taught me that pride is, for sure, my number ONE personality flaw, and it forced me to kill that where it sat. It made me prioritize my life, and appreciate the gifts that I have been given in my children and my family. It taught me who my family really is, and the answer surprised even me. It pushed me to learn what I am capable of, and showed me exactly what I am certainly not capable of. It made me look long and hard in mirrors, lots of mirrors, and see what I am and where I want to be. I learned to stop being such a horrifying martyr already and to just live. Righteously. As best as. I wouldn't trade one stinking minute of it for the world.
I spent the second half of this year as a married mom, with a partner. I spent it as an ex-pat with a very shitty Visa that has prohibited me from working or furthering my education. I went from going in 11th gear to going in 2nd, overnight, with no warning. I came back to this place, were I was totally alone, to rebuild a marriage that has failed more than it has succeeded, that was founded too early for the wrong reasons, with skeletons in every closet and war wounds upon scars upon bruises. I came back a re-worked woman, mother and human, nothing remotely like the one that left 10 months before, to a completely re-worked man, who stayed and fought for his life alone and afraid and with little hope. I came back, and I cried a lot and I fought a lot and I worried so much my teeth ache and it has worked. Beautifully. Better than anyone thought it would. I wouldn't trade one stinking minute of it for the world.
Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same.
That is where I am starting this new year. This year, I look forward to my son reaching his first decade in my life. I look forward to eating Hamburger Helper and drinking orange soda on my 10th wedding anniversary. This year we will take our first ever real, not in a car, family vacation to a location requiring passports and perhaps a vaccine or two. I will live in one house, in one country, and I will do it with four other people who share my last name and understand that I cannot help but leave my dirty clothes in the bathroom.
These are not resolutions; these are cold, hard facts. That I have cold, hard facts again is reason enough to believe in God again.
This year I solidified a few relationships that, in my heart, needed some definition. I learned who I needed to keep, to nurture, to envelope without the fear of rejection or abandonment that I carry around everywhere I go. Those are the people who I dug into, knee deep, dirt under the nails and all. I worked. I tried. Little seeds turned into beautiful gardens. I learned to accept some of those relationships for what they were, not what I wished they could be, and to be at peace. I learned who I just needed to let go. I learned that anger is so easily replaced with joy, and that I am really good at making that jump. And that I'm getting better with practice.
...to be continued
I spent the first 6 months of this year, and a few from the previous year, as a single mom. A frantic, scared, disorganized, afraid mom. This was my choice, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Mad props to Molly, to Darla, to Piper, to all of you who do this every day so seamlessly. My life did one of those super fabulous fun rewrites in the middle of the night one night, and some very tough choices had to be made.
Sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same.
That first half of '07 taught me so incredibly much about myself. I taught me to be content, and humble, and accepting. It taught me that pride is, for sure, my number ONE personality flaw, and it forced me to kill that where it sat. It made me prioritize my life, and appreciate the gifts that I have been given in my children and my family. It taught me who my family really is, and the answer surprised even me. It pushed me to learn what I am capable of, and showed me exactly what I am certainly not capable of. It made me look long and hard in mirrors, lots of mirrors, and see what I am and where I want to be. I learned to stop being such a horrifying martyr already and to just live. Righteously. As best as. I wouldn't trade one stinking minute of it for the world.
I spent the second half of this year as a married mom, with a partner. I spent it as an ex-pat with a very shitty Visa that has prohibited me from working or furthering my education. I went from going in 11th gear to going in 2nd, overnight, with no warning. I came back to this place, were I was totally alone, to rebuild a marriage that has failed more than it has succeeded, that was founded too early for the wrong reasons, with skeletons in every closet and war wounds upon scars upon bruises. I came back a re-worked woman, mother and human, nothing remotely like the one that left 10 months before, to a completely re-worked man, who stayed and fought for his life alone and afraid and with little hope. I came back, and I cried a lot and I fought a lot and I worried so much my teeth ache and it has worked. Beautifully. Better than anyone thought it would. I wouldn't trade one stinking minute of it for the world.
Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same.
That is where I am starting this new year. This year, I look forward to my son reaching his first decade in my life. I look forward to eating Hamburger Helper and drinking orange soda on my 10th wedding anniversary. This year we will take our first ever real, not in a car, family vacation to a location requiring passports and perhaps a vaccine or two. I will live in one house, in one country, and I will do it with four other people who share my last name and understand that I cannot help but leave my dirty clothes in the bathroom.
These are not resolutions; these are cold, hard facts. That I have cold, hard facts again is reason enough to believe in God again.
This year I solidified a few relationships that, in my heart, needed some definition. I learned who I needed to keep, to nurture, to envelope without the fear of rejection or abandonment that I carry around everywhere I go. Those are the people who I dug into, knee deep, dirt under the nails and all. I worked. I tried. Little seeds turned into beautiful gardens. I learned to accept some of those relationships for what they were, not what I wished they could be, and to be at peace. I learned who I just needed to let go. I learned that anger is so easily replaced with joy, and that I am really good at making that jump. And that I'm getting better with practice.
...to be continued
Reader Comments (18)
Oh, that's beautiful! I love so many bits of this...especially learning how to let go. I struggle with this a lot lately - too much of me wants to re-write my life and everyone's around me.
This will be a great year!
teach me, obi-wan. 'specially the part about no longer being a martyr, kay?
I've been married for 17 years (18 in July) but we almost didn't make it to 14. We loved each other but the skeletons from my childhood got in the way something fierce. Rather, they blocked his way to me. It took a near divorce for us to learn to communicate and for me to learn to trust. He'd never done anything for me not to trust him, I just have trust issues and had never felt worthy of being loved. We don't have a perfect relationship now but perfect leaves for no growth. We love where we are and can see where we're going.
Sorry for the long post. Your post spoke volumes to me. Thanks for sharing.
I am so glad that you are where you are now.
Wow. That was beautiful. Heart wrenching. But beautiful.
If I was as talented as you, I could have written very similar words about my own marriage, life, self. But, I'm not as talented and so I didn't. Instead, I just come to worship at your altar each day.
You are the real goddess here.
Keep on keeping on Sista!
Happy New Year!
That was very eloquent, really, I wish I can write about my feelings or the things I've learned, etc as well as you...
Good luck on Blog 365! On to Day 2...
Heartfelt. I'm still a cheer leader.
..and no I didn't tell you to stop it already or gut your blog. You wanna fight? Come'on mama, find an opening. Watch me dance. Don't be gett'in on the wrong foot with me so early in the year.
BING!! [She clocked him, he's down for the count].
Wow.
Beautiful and perfect. This was real, fabulous and awesome.
Thank you for sharing this.
You know, one extra benefit of blogging is that you find out that you aren't the only one with a real life, and problems, and mistakes, and solutions. Misery loves company, you know? Everyone has issues, and I'm so happy that you've found a way to work them out.
I don't know specifics, but what you've written in this post is highly admirable. Kudos to you for shaking out the rugs, putting them back down, and allowing yourself to make messes still. After all, without the messes we can't clean up, and without the clean up we can't realize how much we need the messes to begin with.
Much love, girlfriend of mine!
you are a strong chick...obvious from your posts! and...all the stuff you have gone through made you harder...so important for a woman, in my opinion! to know that, when need be...we can do it!
i'm glad things are working out in an extremely positive sounding way, for you!!! have an awesome 2008!
xo
Thanks for being so honest. I read every single word carefully.
Live. Love. And Laugh often in 2008. Happy New Year!
What a GREAT and honest post! Thanks for sharing.
I could tell that every word had so much meaning and experience behind it!
Happy New Year!
wow. that is one heck of a year you had. and it looks like you came out the other end of it a better person.
Just like Oh Mommy said, I read every word in this post three or four times and each time I felt a different emotion, but one theme. Courage.
Happy new year!!
Lovely post. Glad you are finding your groove, chica.
Tears.
I would not have made the choices you did in your circumstances. Only because I am not as good as you are at listening to my heart regardless of the circumstances. I know you don't realize, but what you went through has had some relevance to what i went through this year and it encouraged me to hang on. And that line from that song was somewhat of a mantra for me through the year. I think it was my MS tagline for awhile.
One day, when I'm brave, I'll show you my other blog.