;)
Wednesday
Oct012008
I Should Have Named Her Buffy
Wednesday, October 1, 2008 at 3:40AM
I am not a brave woman. I am not daring, I accept my limits and am more than happy to work around them. I don't like to be tested, or pushed, or tried in any way. So, 3 years and 9 months ago, when a piece of plastic told me my entire world was about the flip upside down, I'd be lying if I didn't say I panicked ever so slightly. I wanted a lot of things that day; a nap, some cookies, a shower, and apparently, a DVD cleaner kit that I picked up while I was getting that pregnancy test at Walgreens at 3 in the morning. What I certainly did not want was another baby.
When 3 years and 5 months ago, a woman in scrubs told me that you were not a boy, like I'd prayed to every god I knew of that you would be, I can honestly say that panic turned into fear. I never wanted a girl. I knew I couldn't do it, I couldn't be a mother to a girl. I knew I'd lose the battle I'd spent 30 years fighting if I did.
When the vomiting started and the green skin showed up and the exhaustion hit me like bricks from the sky, when I felt you sucking the very life out of me, that fear turned into anxiety. When you spend even one day questioning whether or not you want something, and then decide you do want it after all, well, you really getting to wanting it pretty badly at that point. And when something starts to go wrong, well, you worry.
When the woman with the chart in her hand told me something was very very wrong, and the other woman with the box of tissues and the informational video told me that we needed to consider the strong possibility of losing you, I'll just say that I hope you never have to feel what I felt those few weeks while we waited for them to test the fluid they took out of me from around you.
You were never easy, not from the very get-go. You fought me every step of the way. You made me work for you, pray for you, cry for you, die a little for you. You knew that if I was ever going to overcome the damage done to me, and be the mother you deserve, that you had to be something I would fight for, something I'd try to barter my own life for so you could have yours. You're a smart girl, you little devil, you.
You came to me in the early morning hours of October 1st, 2005, 5 years after I theoretically quit having babies, and 7 months after I told your father I flat out refused to make any more. Even then, you were not easy. You spent your first day in the nicu, trying with all your might to breath, laying there while I looked at you through plastic, again meeting god face to face in negotiations. You were the only baby I didn't get to bond with while you were still damp, and I've never know that feeling before, that feeling that I could probably throw a Hummer across the room with ease if it meant I could touch you for a second. It's a powerful emotion, a mom craving her child's touch, and I will always remember that sheer panic that came with the loss of you in my arms.
You came home a few days later, a perfectly healthy girl with some very silly looking toes. I've learned a lot about my self because of you over these three years. You've taught me what I am not, what I am capable of rising above. You've shown me that most of the things I've held to be of the utmost importance in my life, in my character, are absolute poppy-cock. I finally know what it's like to be knocked down to my knees, powerless, because of another person.
This thing that we have, mothers and daughters, it's inexplicable. There are simply no words for the physical and mental and spiritual ties that bind us to each other. I never would have known that had you not come into my life. I never would have seen that I can be soft, or silly, or feminine, not without you.
I always say that you are the greatest thing I will have ever given you father, the best deed I've ever done, because god knows he is stupidly, painfully enthralled with you, but I can say without any hesitation that you were the greatest gift that I have ever been given. I am unafraid, I am brave, I know exactly what I can do now. Anything. You were the final piece to my puzzle. You were the last test I had to pass. You were the final chapter in the book. I am whole now, and it's because of you.
Happy third birthday, baby girl. Thank you for showing me that I can fight my demons, that it's easy and it's worth every minute that's not. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for letting me love you. I always will, for always and ever.
Last year's post is right here, in case you're into that sort of thing.
When 3 years and 5 months ago, a woman in scrubs told me that you were not a boy, like I'd prayed to every god I knew of that you would be, I can honestly say that panic turned into fear. I never wanted a girl. I knew I couldn't do it, I couldn't be a mother to a girl. I knew I'd lose the battle I'd spent 30 years fighting if I did.
When the vomiting started and the green skin showed up and the exhaustion hit me like bricks from the sky, when I felt you sucking the very life out of me, that fear turned into anxiety. When you spend even one day questioning whether or not you want something, and then decide you do want it after all, well, you really getting to wanting it pretty badly at that point. And when something starts to go wrong, well, you worry.
When the woman with the chart in her hand told me something was very very wrong, and the other woman with the box of tissues and the informational video told me that we needed to consider the strong possibility of losing you, I'll just say that I hope you never have to feel what I felt those few weeks while we waited for them to test the fluid they took out of me from around you.
You were never easy, not from the very get-go. You fought me every step of the way. You made me work for you, pray for you, cry for you, die a little for you. You knew that if I was ever going to overcome the damage done to me, and be the mother you deserve, that you had to be something I would fight for, something I'd try to barter my own life for so you could have yours. You're a smart girl, you little devil, you.
You came to me in the early morning hours of October 1st, 2005, 5 years after I theoretically quit having babies, and 7 months after I told your father I flat out refused to make any more. Even then, you were not easy. You spent your first day in the nicu, trying with all your might to breath, laying there while I looked at you through plastic, again meeting god face to face in negotiations. You were the only baby I didn't get to bond with while you were still damp, and I've never know that feeling before, that feeling that I could probably throw a Hummer across the room with ease if it meant I could touch you for a second. It's a powerful emotion, a mom craving her child's touch, and I will always remember that sheer panic that came with the loss of you in my arms.
You came home a few days later, a perfectly healthy girl with some very silly looking toes. I've learned a lot about my self because of you over these three years. You've taught me what I am not, what I am capable of rising above. You've shown me that most of the things I've held to be of the utmost importance in my life, in my character, are absolute poppy-cock. I finally know what it's like to be knocked down to my knees, powerless, because of another person.
This thing that we have, mothers and daughters, it's inexplicable. There are simply no words for the physical and mental and spiritual ties that bind us to each other. I never would have known that had you not come into my life. I never would have seen that I can be soft, or silly, or feminine, not without you.
I always say that you are the greatest thing I will have ever given you father, the best deed I've ever done, because god knows he is stupidly, painfully enthralled with you, but I can say without any hesitation that you were the greatest gift that I have ever been given. I am unafraid, I am brave, I know exactly what I can do now. Anything. You were the final piece to my puzzle. You were the last test I had to pass. You were the final chapter in the book. I am whole now, and it's because of you.
Happy third birthday, baby girl. Thank you for showing me that I can fight my demons, that it's easy and it's worth every minute that's not. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for letting me love you. I always will, for always and ever.
Last year's post is right here, in case you're into that sort of thing.
Reader Comments (80)
What a beautiful post for a beautiful girl.
I may well cut 'n' paste - and edit a bit - for my son's 4th.
Once upon a time, SingleParentDad wrote..http://singleparentdad.blogspot.com/2008/09/they-are-all-doomed.html" rel="nofollow">They Are All Doomed
Amazing and touching.
that was beautiful. thanks for sharing your story with us. sigh.
Once upon a time, natalie wrote..http://dixonsturkey.blogspot.com/2008/09/doing-istanbul.html" rel="nofollow">Doing Istanbul
Nicely done.
Oh, how beautiful....
Once upon a time, daysgoby wrote..http://jessalogic.blogspot.com/2008/09/robots-from-sky.html" rel="nofollow">robots from the sky
Such a sweet post for a sweet girl. Can she be any cuter. Happy Birthday!
Once upon a time, OHmommy wrote..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/09/school-bus-bully.html" rel="nofollow">The School Bus Bully
I was the opposite. I always envisioned having a little girl. My daughter was within my comfort zone, but having my son...THAT scared me and challenged me. He made me work hard to have him as well...9 weeks of bed rest and a 5 week too-early delivery. Lots of scariness, drugs and threats of losing him along the way. He was so worth it and you sum it up nicely with You were the final piece to my puzzle.
Beautiful post. Gorgeous picture collage.
Happy Birthday to you and your little girl!
Once upon a time, Ashlie- Mommycosm wrote..http://www.mommycosm.com/journal/2008/9/30/feeling-a-little-off-today.html" rel="nofollow">Feeling a little off today...
I think it's so great when someone thinks they can't handle a girl and then they get the girl and realize they can handle anything. Happy Birthday 3of3.
Once upon a time, CarolynOnline wrote..http://carolynonline.blogspot.com/2008/10/shhh-keep-this-on-dl.html" rel="nofollow">Shhh... Keep this on the DL
She is beautiful. Happy Birthday to your baby!
Once upon a time, Mrs. Schmitty wrote..http://www.aschmittylife.com/2008/09/ill-be-talk-of-town.html" rel="nofollow">I'll Be The Talk Of The Town
What a treat for a child to get birthday well-wishing from the world, not just a tiny corner of it.
Your daughter is as beautiful as her mom - and this is the most wonderful age. :)
Happy birthday.
Just FYI - We were convinced our last was a girl. Not sure after two boys we would even know what to do. Scared out of our minds. I identify with those fears. (And I still don't know how to deal with a girl - my wife included. :)
Once upon a time, ShredderFeeder wrote..http://www.shredderfood.com/?p=281" rel="nofollow">I stop reading the news….
Beautiful. Almost makes me rethink this "we're never having kids" thing we've got going.
Great stuff. Happy BDay.
Once upon a time, Ellie wrote..http://meandyouandellie.blogspot.com/2008/10/take-walk.html" rel="nofollow">Take a Walk
Sweet.
Happy Birthday wee one.
Once upon a time, Xbox4NappyRash wrote..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/09/exasperated-ellie.html" rel="nofollow">Exasperated Ellie
Happy birthday!
Once upon a time, Tammy wrote..http://thopgood-mylife.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-lover-betrayed-me.html" rel="nofollow">My Lover Betrayed Me.
You have GOT to stop making me cry in the mornings!
Once upon a time, Diane wrote..http://dianesaddledramblings.blogspot.com/2008/09/sweet.html" rel="nofollow">Sweet!
I love the way you write about your children. I cried when I read this. You have so much love for them and it shows every single day. You are truly the BEST mom E.V.E.R.
Once upon a time, Darla wrote..http://dmmos.blogspot.com/2008/09/beach-trip.html" rel="nofollow">The Beach Trip
Awww, she's so beautiful. Happy birthday little one.
Once upon a time, Will wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/GamingWithBaby/~3/406588852/opus.html" rel="nofollow">Opus
Aw. I love this post.
Once upon a time, Darcie wrote..http://cavedweller1019.blogspot.com/2008/09/you-can-only-kick-dog-so-many-times.html" rel="nofollow">You can only kick a dog so many times
I felt the same way. I never wanted girls--I have 3 now, and wouldn't change it!
I just thought boys would be easier--I had such issues with my mom (like you...)
You get to heal it, though, in a way.
beautiful.
If I were a godly person I would tell you we're never given more than we can handle. I thought my second was a boy, I was convinced and I was happy about that. And then!? she was a girl. Every day she makes me a better parent. Her brother was easy, he made me lazy. She makes me work for it.
Happy birthday 3of3.
Once upon a time, Catherine wrote..http://pinkasparag.us/2008/09/29/woogi-world/" rel="nofollow">Woogi World
Happy Bday 3of3!! Beautiful post; Thanks for sharing!! You inspire me to write more and better :)
Once upon a time, Mom to Bee wrote..http://momtobee.blogspot.com/2008/09/another-you-another-me.html" rel="nofollow">Another You, Another Me
So sweet!
Happy Birthday 3of3!
Once upon a time, calicobebop wrote..http://calicobebop.blogspot.com/2008/10/lost-update.html" rel="nofollow">Lost Update
I was more nervous too about having a girl. Not for the same reasons as you, but because I was a bit of a hellion (as a teenager) and I'm sure my mother cursed me ("I hope you have a daughter just like you someday!"). But I always said, if there are lessons I am to learn by having a daughter, I'll have a daughter.
I have one. She's three. I'm learning lessons by the ton.
Happy Birthday 3of3! You're a lucky girl to have the momma you have.
Once upon a time, Kate wrote..http://katescrazylife.blogspot.com/2008/09/busy-bees.html" rel="nofollow">Busy Bees
Wonderful post!
Once upon a time, Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MilkBreathAndMargaritas/~3/407374268/bail-fail-redux.html" rel="nofollow">Bail Fail, Redux
A masterpiece. Very well done.
Happy Birthday to the little one. May her day be wonderful.
Once upon a time, VegasDad wrote..http://ivegasfamily.blogspot.com/2008/09/restless-night.html" rel="nofollow">a restless night
I LOVED this post. HAPPY BIRTHDAY T.O.T.
And now I want one (a baby girl, that is. I've had enough birthdays.)
Once upon a time, BusyDad wrote..http://www.busydadblog.com/entries/the-adventures-of-agent-00fury.html" rel="nofollow">The Adventures of Agent 00Fury
come on. Idaho calls. I have a really hot son who would make beautiful babies with this little girl.
Once upon a time, Kori wrote..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/10/in-which-i-get-phone-call.html" rel="nofollow">In Which I Get A Phone Call
I didn't know about all of that stuff...you had a pretty terrifying experience with her. Two things really stood out to me in this post. One, there are cute babies and then there are beautiful babies. Your daughter is one of the latter. Two, in reading last year's post and comparing it to what you just wrote here, its pretty clear to me that you really did break that cycle. Just think...in 30 years she'll be sitting there writing a post and talking about how great her mom was and how she wants to give the same to her own daughter.
Happy Birthday, young lady!
Once upon a time, Matt wrote..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/10/01/no-mercy-%E2%80%93-the-first-rule-of-child-combat/" rel="nofollow">No Mercy! – The First Rule of Child Combat.
Oh my god, that was one of the most amazing things I've ever read. I got goose-bump just reading it. You put into words so eloquently the feelings of being a mother to a little girl - feelings I am very much aware of, but I don't think I could have said it as well. Thank you for that wonderful post!
Once upon a time, Liza wrote..http://glickgirls.blogspot.com/2008/10/only-in-rhode-island.html" rel="nofollow">Only In Rhode Island
Powerful.
When I was carrying my daughter--I prayed she would be a boy. I was terrified to parent a little girl that I would love and might some day grow up to hate me. Isn't it funny how scared we are when our relationships with our own moms are/were so difficult?
Happy Birthday to your sweet girl!
3of3 is 3!
Happy Birthday 3!
(Now I want a girl to make me brave and feminine and stuff)
That was breathtakingly beautiful.
Once upon a time, Jaina wrote..http://girl-with-the-camera.blogspot.com/2008/09/madamoiselle-maestro.html" rel="nofollow">Madamoiselle Maestro
So very sweet. Love it.
And she's adorable!
Thanks for the tears again! I don't know about easy over here but glad that things are going that good for you! Happy Birthday little one!
Aww that's so sweet! Happy birthday to her :)
Once upon a time, Jeanette wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/PhotographybyJeanette/~3/407537323/" rel="nofollow">Three Corners - Reflections
I don't know whether to thank you or run screaming from you at this moment. I am a boy mom. A BOY MOM. Through and through, I was destined to be a mother of boys, boys, boys. I didn't cry when that a-hole manning the ultrasound machine told me this one was going to be a girl. I was so overwhelmingly happy that this child in my belly has all its bits in the right places that I didn't have it in me to be anything but thankful for another healthy baby. But, ohhhhh, how frightened I am of this little girl. I fear she will be able to see into my soul like no other person in the world, and I fear I'm not up to the task of raising her if she finds out who I truly am. Thank you for giving me hope that there's a sweet side to all of this, and happy birthday to that gorgeous girl of yours.
That is seriously too cute. In that top right photo, she looks a lot like Code Name Alice. Adorable :)
Once upon a time, Sleep Deprivation Ninja wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/SleepDeprivationNinja/~3/407102241/friends-and-celebrities.html" rel="nofollow">Friends and Celebrities
Jesus H Christ ! Everytime I read your blog now, I'm running for a tissue. So nice. So very nice.
beautiful... and so true of mothers and daughters.
until they turn 14.
ah, the good ol' days.
happy birthday, 3of3!
Once upon a time, the planet of janet wrote..http://www.fromtheplanetofjanet.com/2008/09/turtle-chicka-bow-wow.html" rel="nofollow">Turtle-chicka-bow-wow!
Damn, that was a sweet birthday letter...
Happy Birthday to your little girl! So glad she's convinced you it was all worth it!
Wow, what a tribute to your baby girl :)
Once upon a time, Elle Charlie wrote..http://sometimesagirlneedsablog.blogspot.com/2008/10/thank-you-all.html" rel="nofollow">Thank you all
Happy birthday to your little girl! She was born on amazing day - my birthday! :) (And, coincidently, my 21st birthday :)).
Good day to your family!
Once upon a time, Kathy wrote..http://andsolifebegins.wordpress.com/2008/10/01/its-my-birthday-and/" rel="nofollow">It’s my birthday and…
Happy Birthday 3of3! You've got a lot of fans out here.
Um, Shan? Gawd lady. Your talent is awesome.
Once upon a time, Ree wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/hotfessional/KKFw/~3/407426858/" rel="nofollow">Another One Bites The Dust
What a sweet post! Happy birthday 3of3!
Once upon a time, Kristabella wrote..http://fullofsnark.com/2008/10/01/i-can-add-picks-up-trash/" rel="nofollow">I Can Add “Picks Up Trash” To My Resume
3!!!! Wow... she made it... She should get an award! LOL That must mean my "baby" will be 3, someday. Like a big dead end out there.
Happy Happy Birthday 3of3!!!
This is a really beautiful birthday letter. Truly. You've outdone yourself.
Once upon a time, MommyTime wrote..http://mommysmartini.blogspot.com/2008/10/best-opportunity-you-may-ever-have-to.html" rel="nofollow">The Best Opportunity You May Ever Have to Spend Money Wisely
my nine year old and seven year old girls, home for two days, in the rain, have been making me crrrrazzzzy and quite possibly an alcoholic.
so, dude, thanks, I needed this.
Once upon a time, ms picket to you wrote..http://postpicket.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-sister-solves-financial-crisis.html" rel="nofollow">My Sister Solves the Financial Crisis
Beautiful post. Gorgeous girls. Happy Birthday!!! (I have an October 2005 baby too.) I'm so glad you feel whole, I totally get it and also felt the same way after I had my little girl - third baby and first girl :-)
Once upon a time, Shannon wrote..http://acraftymomsblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/great-contest.html" rel="nofollow">A Great Contest
Awww, happy birthday to the lil one ;)