;)
Thursday
Oct162008
A Vague Connection
Thursday, October 16, 2008 at 1:20AM
I keep trying to write a post about the bailout, but this is all that will come out. I'm not sure the connection between the two will translate, so I'll just apologize in advance, and continue the story of my relatives where I left it off here:
My cousin Donna was something in the neighborhood of 10 years older than me, maybe more; I honestly don't know. She was my father's first niece, his sister's first child, my grandmother's first grandchild. She had a great laugh, beautiful red hair, and was smart and loving and kind. My father was in LOVE with his nieces and up until my parents divorced when I was 6, they were a huge part of our daily life. After that, we only saw them on my dad's time with us. My parents had one of those divorces where both sides of the family completely parted ways, and my mother took us. We didn't have a whole ton of contact with his side until they all started dying.
My brother, I have to add, was much better than me at saying Fuck It and seeing my father's side of the family anyway. I was entirely too afraid of my mother to attempt such a mutiny, and not a day goes by that I don't envy him the contact he had with our family after the rest of us were secluded from them. That boy had balls.
My cousin was married to a man (who we'll just call Tee) at some point, I don't really know, and had a baby who we'll just call Jr. I did get to see Jr quite a bit; my mother was a bitch, but she wasn't that bad. I couldn't see my aunt, but her kid was totally in-limits. He was cute, they were happy, blah blah blah.
They lived far from us, in Bethany which is in the very southern, beachy tip of Delaware, and I just didn't know anything about her as an adult. I know she later had another baby (maybe twins?) and that her marriage sounded fine on the surface. I'd seen her at our grandmother's funeral when I was 15, and Donna was the family member who was given our grandmother's folded flag at her military funeral. She was wearing a black dress-suit and pumps, and looked she fine to me. Apparently, she had a major drug problem that I didn't know about until I moved to Colorado with my dad when I was 17.
I remember one night when she called, crying to my father that she didn't have money for rent. My dad sat up with her all night on the phone, trying to get the number of her landlord out of her, promising he'd get her caught up. She wouldn't give the number over, made some bullshit story up, pleaded with him to send money that night, and after a while my dad just gave up and called her husband back the next day.
Turns out, they were behind on their rent. Turns out, all their money was going up her nose (and in her arm, I'd be willing to bet.) Turns out, Donna's father, my asshole uncle, was keeping her pretty hooked on some drug or the other, because he didn't want to party alone. Turns out, the problem was bigger than most of us knew. Tee had thrown her out of the house for the sake of the children's and his sanity, and they did need help. My father sent the landlord the rent, rather than giving it to Donna, who was just going to snort it anyway, ensuring that money went to the family and not to the addiction, or the addict. And there's my bailout paragraph in a nutshell. Moving on...
Apparently, Donna had taken to sneaking in the house in the middle of the night to sleep. Tee knew this, but didn't want to let on that he knew, so he'd just leave a small window unlocked at night that she could get in and out of. The neighbors and her friends had seen her pushing a ladder up to her house in the middle of the night to get in before; it wasn't really a secret or anything. She would just leave before everyone was up the next morning, and in that silent arrangement she had shelter and safety, and Tee knew his wife and the mother of his children was warm and fed at the very least.
One day, when I was at the end of being 21, my father started calling me at my boyfriend's house. We were fighting about something or the other, so I ignored his calls all day until, eventually, I realized something was wrong. He NEVER called, let alone that many times in a row. When I finally answered, he asked me with tears in his throat to sit down.
Donna had gone out with her friends, maybe her father (the jury is still out on that one) and they were all doing drugs. She mixed too many substances, or took too much of one, no one really knows. What we do know is that her friends, rather than dumping her off at the ER, took her as she O.D.'d back to her house. They grabbed the ladder that she'd used before to get in, pushed it up to the house, and shoved her into the open window. They drove off, and one of them called 911 to report "what looks like a break in attempt" at her house. Of course, the neighbors all knew about the ladder thing, and the cops thought nothing of it.
The kicker here is that they shoved her in the wrong window. They shoved her into her oldest son's window, who wasn't even 10 yet, where she cracked her head on the bedframe on the fall down. Tee had the kids out that night, I think at his mother's, and the next morning when they came home Jr walked into his room and found his mother dead, overdosed, suffocated on her own vomit, soaked in it and her urine and her feces, crumpled over in the corner of his bed.
And that is how I lost my cousin. And that is how her son lost his mother. My father, well, I didn't think he'd ever recover from it. When he told me, I sat on the corner of my boyfriend's bed and I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. All I could do was scream and scream and scream. It took that boyfriend longer than I can remember to get the story of what happened out of me, and that night he asked me to marry him because he didn't ever want something to happen to me and for him to not know what it was ever again. I spent most of that night hunting my brother down, who had taken off years before never to be heard from again, and I reunited with him over the phone under these circumstances.
We all flew to Delaware to lay her to rest, and in her death, my family found each other.
Every anniversary that boyfriend and I celebrate, she is still there with me. Every baby of ours, each one born with a shock of red hair and a beautiful smile, they are each a reminder of her. Each comment my brother leaves on this blog, she's in there somewhere. She was taken from my life twice in the 21 years I'd known her, once by divorce, once by addiction and irresponsible, selfish behavior, but this time, I know I'll never find her again. I just have to hold a little tighter to what she left in her wake.
My cousin Donna was something in the neighborhood of 10 years older than me, maybe more; I honestly don't know. She was my father's first niece, his sister's first child, my grandmother's first grandchild. She had a great laugh, beautiful red hair, and was smart and loving and kind. My father was in LOVE with his nieces and up until my parents divorced when I was 6, they were a huge part of our daily life. After that, we only saw them on my dad's time with us. My parents had one of those divorces where both sides of the family completely parted ways, and my mother took us. We didn't have a whole ton of contact with his side until they all started dying.
My brother, I have to add, was much better than me at saying Fuck It and seeing my father's side of the family anyway. I was entirely too afraid of my mother to attempt such a mutiny, and not a day goes by that I don't envy him the contact he had with our family after the rest of us were secluded from them. That boy had balls.
My cousin was married to a man (who we'll just call Tee) at some point, I don't really know, and had a baby who we'll just call Jr. I did get to see Jr quite a bit; my mother was a bitch, but she wasn't that bad. I couldn't see my aunt, but her kid was totally in-limits. He was cute, they were happy, blah blah blah.
They lived far from us, in Bethany which is in the very southern, beachy tip of Delaware, and I just didn't know anything about her as an adult. I know she later had another baby (maybe twins?) and that her marriage sounded fine on the surface. I'd seen her at our grandmother's funeral when I was 15, and Donna was the family member who was given our grandmother's folded flag at her military funeral. She was wearing a black dress-suit and pumps, and looked she fine to me. Apparently, she had a major drug problem that I didn't know about until I moved to Colorado with my dad when I was 17.
I remember one night when she called, crying to my father that she didn't have money for rent. My dad sat up with her all night on the phone, trying to get the number of her landlord out of her, promising he'd get her caught up. She wouldn't give the number over, made some bullshit story up, pleaded with him to send money that night, and after a while my dad just gave up and called her husband back the next day.
Turns out, they were behind on their rent. Turns out, all their money was going up her nose (and in her arm, I'd be willing to bet.) Turns out, Donna's father, my asshole uncle, was keeping her pretty hooked on some drug or the other, because he didn't want to party alone. Turns out, the problem was bigger than most of us knew. Tee had thrown her out of the house for the sake of the children's and his sanity, and they did need help. My father sent the landlord the rent, rather than giving it to Donna, who was just going to snort it anyway, ensuring that money went to the family and not to the addiction, or the addict. And there's my bailout paragraph in a nutshell. Moving on...
Apparently, Donna had taken to sneaking in the house in the middle of the night to sleep. Tee knew this, but didn't want to let on that he knew, so he'd just leave a small window unlocked at night that she could get in and out of. The neighbors and her friends had seen her pushing a ladder up to her house in the middle of the night to get in before; it wasn't really a secret or anything. She would just leave before everyone was up the next morning, and in that silent arrangement she had shelter and safety, and Tee knew his wife and the mother of his children was warm and fed at the very least.
One day, when I was at the end of being 21, my father started calling me at my boyfriend's house. We were fighting about something or the other, so I ignored his calls all day until, eventually, I realized something was wrong. He NEVER called, let alone that many times in a row. When I finally answered, he asked me with tears in his throat to sit down.
Donna had gone out with her friends, maybe her father (the jury is still out on that one) and they were all doing drugs. She mixed too many substances, or took too much of one, no one really knows. What we do know is that her friends, rather than dumping her off at the ER, took her as she O.D.'d back to her house. They grabbed the ladder that she'd used before to get in, pushed it up to the house, and shoved her into the open window. They drove off, and one of them called 911 to report "what looks like a break in attempt" at her house. Of course, the neighbors all knew about the ladder thing, and the cops thought nothing of it.
The kicker here is that they shoved her in the wrong window. They shoved her into her oldest son's window, who wasn't even 10 yet, where she cracked her head on the bedframe on the fall down. Tee had the kids out that night, I think at his mother's, and the next morning when they came home Jr walked into his room and found his mother dead, overdosed, suffocated on her own vomit, soaked in it and her urine and her feces, crumpled over in the corner of his bed.
And that is how I lost my cousin. And that is how her son lost his mother. My father, well, I didn't think he'd ever recover from it. When he told me, I sat on the corner of my boyfriend's bed and I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. All I could do was scream and scream and scream. It took that boyfriend longer than I can remember to get the story of what happened out of me, and that night he asked me to marry him because he didn't ever want something to happen to me and for him to not know what it was ever again. I spent most of that night hunting my brother down, who had taken off years before never to be heard from again, and I reunited with him over the phone under these circumstances.
We all flew to Delaware to lay her to rest, and in her death, my family found each other.
Every anniversary that boyfriend and I celebrate, she is still there with me. Every baby of ours, each one born with a shock of red hair and a beautiful smile, they are each a reminder of her. Each comment my brother leaves on this blog, she's in there somewhere. She was taken from my life twice in the 21 years I'd known her, once by divorce, once by addiction and irresponsible, selfish behavior, but this time, I know I'll never find her again. I just have to hold a little tighter to what she left in her wake.
Reader Comments (49)
Day-um.
Just day-um.
Oh and I love you woman. How did you manage to be so wonderful?
Day-um
Once upon a time, Kelley wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MagnetoBoldToo/~3/421033300/" rel="nofollow">Compliment or backhanded bitch slap?
That is an incredibly touching story. Thank you for having the strength to share it. Maybe you sharing that story will give someone the stones to confront a problem before it goes so far.
Rock on MrLady!
Once upon a time, 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/PeddlinCrazy/~3/422312901/wisdom-of-larry-cable-guy.html" rel="nofollow">The Wisdom Of Larry the Cable Guy......
Wow.
I am utterly speechless.
Once upon a time, tiff wrote..http://www.mythreeringcircus.com/2008/10/on-tigers-and-therapy-dogs/" rel="nofollow">On tigers and therapy dogs…
Not cool.......................Mike.
Oh... please tell me her kids are ok now. Which somehow seems important.
Once upon a time, CarolynOnline wrote..http://carolynonline.blogspot.com/2008/10/advice-from-scott-sort-of.html" rel="nofollow">Advice from Scott... Sort of.
OMG -- will you PLEASE write a book? You have so many stories that are so utterly captivating.
Once upon a time, Robyn wrote..http://momindisguise.blogspot.com/2008/10/id-rather-be-fishing.html" rel="nofollow">I'd rather be fishing
That's just...damn.
Once upon a time, Will wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/GamingWithBaby/~3/421257137/570.html" rel="nofollow">570
Wow.......wow. ((Hugs))
Once upon a time, Hockeyman wrote..http://hockeymandad.com/?p=70" rel="nofollow">Whew!
holy crap, woman.......
that was a very powerful story.
kudos to you for having the strength and words to tell it.
i'm with caroline - are her kids ok?
Once upon a time, Josie wrote..http://snowflake37.wordpress.com/2008/10/16/tales-from-the-u-of-g/" rel="nofollow">Tales from the U of G
Wow. That's about all I can say.
Once upon a time, Honeybell wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/blogspot/girS/~3/421547716/more-about-my-nutcake-neighbors.html" rel="nofollow">More About My Nutcake Neighbors
Jesus Mr Lady. I just...well...you just leave me speachless sometimes.
you are probably one of the strongest people i have ever met/known/read/whatever. seriously.
Once upon a time, lO wrote..http://slaphappymusings.blogspot.com/2008/10/so-all-of-you-lucky-folks-out-there-who.html" rel="nofollow">
I'm so sorry that these are your memories and your family legacy. But what an awesome testament to the power of the human spirit - YOU! The fact that you've overcome this and are living a *normal* life is amazing.
Once upon a time, Kate wrote..http://katescrazylife.blogspot.com/2008/10/color-my-world.html" rel="nofollow">Color My World
What a heartbreaking story...I fear this for my cousin. We are all trying to help her, but sometimes we aren't even sure if she hears us....Thank you for sharing your story.
Once upon a time, KD @ A Bit Squirrelly wrote..http://abitsquirrelly.blogspot.com/2008/10/thankful-thursdays-goofy-gratitude.html" rel="nofollow">Thankful Thursdays: Goofy Gratitude
You do have an amazing way of affecting people with your words. An utterly amazing way. Thank you for sharing your stories.
Once upon a time, Diane wrote..http://dianesaddledramblings.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-wish-someone-had-told-me.html" rel="nofollow">I Wish Someone Had Told Me...
I've been through a great deal in my life, but your childhood continues to astonish me. My heart breaks for what those kids and your family must have gone through. You one very strong broad and I'm proud to have found you and watch your story unfold.
Once upon a time, One Mom's Opinion wrote..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/10/no-more-braces-and-our-new-home.html" rel="nofollow">No more braces and our new home
Very powerful stuff.
Once upon a time, Xbox4NappyRash wrote..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/10/you-know-i-can-be-found.html" rel="nofollow">You know I can be found
Again, I am speechless. I have fears of something like this happening to my brother. His kids are adults now, so at least they wouldn't have to see it.
thank you for sharing it.
Once upon a time, Jennifer wrote..http://injennifershead.com/?p=287" rel="nofollow">News Of Awesomeness
I get the vague bailout connection and all but it was just an excuse to write, to let it out. Sometimes it's the only way.
Once upon a time, Marge wrote..http://wheremytruthlives.wordpress.com/2008/10/15/the-secret-life-of-bees/" rel="nofollow">The Secret Life Of Bees
Fuck, dude.
Once upon a time, Zoeyjane wrote..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/10/15/on-being-away/" rel="nofollow">On Being Away
I am constantly floored by your brutal honesty and willingness to expose your/your family's inner demons. I'm in awe of the bravery you possess in not only putting these thoughts on paper, but share it will
strangersothers! Besides all of that, it was beautifully written!this is devastating. so very sad. i see though how horrible situations like this can make us more aware of what could easily happen and how to appreciate each and every day.
Once upon a time, raino wrote..http://momofboxer.blogspot.com/2008/10/day-in-nutshell.html" rel="nofollow">Day in a Nutshell
Holy hell... I am so sorry.
Once upon a time, tracey wrote..http://tracey-justanothermommyblog.blogspot.com/2008/10/not-my-proudest-moment.html" rel="nofollow">Not my proudest moment...
Wow. I am sorry for that. Thank you for sharing the story. Hold on to what you have left and take heart those closest to you.
Wow. Speechless.
And glad your family found each other.
That story gave me goose bumps. I'm sorry for your loss but I appreciate you sharing it with the rest of us. HUGS.
Once upon a time, Liza wrote..http://glickgirls.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-got-another-award.html" rel="nofollow">I got another award!!!
Thanks for sharing
Once upon a time, tenakim wrote..http://therapyfortena.blogspot.com/2008/10/71-bitch-21-bossy-control-freak-9people.html" rel="nofollow">71% Bitch- 21% Bossy Control Freak- 9%People Pleaser
I hope her "friends" suffered long and hard for their part in her death.
You gotta keep writin' and sharin', girl. It's helping all of us.
Once upon a time, mb wrote..http://blogmemama.blogspot.com/2008/10/its-all-about-you.html" rel="nofollow">it's all about you
Wow. Speechless. Wow is all I can come up with and of course HUGS!!
Once upon a time, Darla wrote..http://dmmos.blogspot.com/2008/10/sin-city.html" rel="nofollow">Sin City
Wow. I feel so badly for Jr. For all of you.
Once upon a time, Courtney wrote..http://fiveseconddanceparty.com/?p=521" rel="nofollow">My Husband, The Animal Rights Activist
Jesus, Shan. (I am beginning to think that is all I say when I come to your blog!) It is very odd the good things that can come after something so completely horrible. And so very sad that something horrible has to be the catalyst for those good things.
Once upon a time, Loralee wrote..http://loraleeslooneytunes.com/2008/10/15/i-just-found-out-im-going-to-be-on-nrp-to-talk-about-blogging-tomorrow-at-9-am-help/" rel="nofollow">I just found out I’m going to be on the radio* to talk about blogging tomorrow at 9 am. Help? (Edited)
That is truly heartbreaking! :(
Once upon a time, Kay wrote..http://specialk513.blogspot.com/2008/10/ahthe-70s.html" rel="nofollow">Ah..the 70s!
Damn. Just, damn.
Also? DAMN.
What a moving post. It's amazing how a tragedy can bring people together.
Once upon a time, VegasDad wrote..http://ivegasfamily.blogspot.com/2008/10/later-perv.html" rel="nofollow">later perv
So that's what people mean when they say someone did not die in vain. It's a brutal sacrifice, beautifully told.
Once upon a time, Missives From Suburbia wrote..http://missivesfromsuburbia.blogspot.com/2008/10/microblogologist.html" rel="nofollow">The Microblogologist
Holy shit.
Sometimes I wish I believed in hell because it would be nice to know that her so-called friends would be on the express bus there.
Once upon a time, Major Bedhead wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MajorBedhead/~3/420596565/more-crazy.html" rel="nofollow">More Crazy
{{hugs}} and more of them than I can EVER, ever tell you.
Once upon a time, Ree wrote..http://hotfessional.com/2008/10/16/seventeen/" rel="nofollow">Seventeen
speechless.
Once upon a time, Kim wrote..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/10/16/a-breast-cancer-survivor-story-written-by-my-hero.html" rel="nofollow">A Breast Cancer Survivor Story Written By My Hero
thank you for sharing. I am curious how her kids are.
It sucks that it takes an event like this for a family to reunite. I've dealt with it before, under different circumstances.
Once upon a time, Jennifer A wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ToastOnTheCeiling/~3/422062959/i-think-it-may-be-time-to-pull-out-pink.html" rel="nofollow">I think it may be time to pull out the pink boxing gloves
Coming from a family tradition of addiction, I read into this tragedy the role of enablers. Your father paying her rent may have kept the roof over her head, but it also kept her in her drug of choice. Her husband ensuring she had food and a roof gave her the security she needed to continue to abuse. In the end the victims are the smallest ones with the least control. I know this all sounds cold as shit, but I'm trying to remove the personal component, which is very compelling.
The parallel you seem to make is that the government bailout is an enabling tool and not cure. We bailout Penn Square for their savings and loan fiasco; we bail out the airlines; we bail out Fannie and Freddy and AIG. The result is that we enable them to indulge in swanky resorts and high dollar golf games on the taxpayer dime. In the next few years it will be another billion dollar industry with their greedy hands outstretched for either private profit or public welfare.
At the same time, there is a difference, also apparent in your post, between people and corporations. We have given corporations citizen status when verily we should have not. I think this is a much more complex than first glance would imply.
Once upon a time, rebecca wrote..http://rebelwithablog.blogspot.com/2008/10/democraps-and-repooplicans.html" rel="nofollow">Democraps and Repooplicans
She choose the role and played the part very believably, but was casted by some bastards.
Man our family should have it's own show... you thought the Ozborne's were good.
Though I am pleased at how it turned out, it brought me and Doner together after all.
Sounds like we agree on the bailout though... weird.
I have tears in my eyes for you.
SSsssszzzzzzzzheeez.
I, uh.... man.
I can't stop thinking about her son, walking into his room that morning.
Once upon a time, Deeples wrote..http://deeples.com/2008/10/15/walk-through-the-neighborhood/" rel="nofollow">Walk through the neighborhood…
That is absolutely heartbreaking.
Once upon a time, Tara R. wrote..http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com/2008/10/18/wanted-electronics-genius/" rel="nofollow">Wanted: Electronics genius
Again, I am in awe of your strength and your ability to provide for your children a much different life. I hope her children (especially the one who found her) have pulled through and created stable lives for themselves.
That story broke my heart.
:(
Once upon a time, jessica wrote..http://stapeliad.blogspot.com/2008/10/things-we-do.html" rel="nofollow">The Things We Do...
Oh my goodness. I cannot even imagine that. ::hugs::
Once upon a time, Jaina wrote..http://girl-with-the-camera.blogspot.com/2008/10/historia-de-un-letrero.html" rel="nofollow">Historia de un letrero