;)
Tuesday
Nov112008
Amazing Moments In Superstar Parenting
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 at 1:58PM
Yes, I'd like to thank the academy for this award. Best Mother Ever; so coveted, so illusive.....
This morning, we lept out of bed at eleven eight because my daughter was freezing and her diaper was soaked loves us and missed us terribly over the night, and while The Donor went downstairs to wash last nights dishes make the coffee, I ran up to the bathroom to tinkle.
It's the post of strike outs. Sorry.
Of course 3of3 came with me. That piece of elastic she's got superglued onto her head and my hip only allow her to travel 2 feet away from me at any given moment. They tell me the glue will wear off before kindergarten; I have my doubts.
So, we're in the bathroom. Tinkle tinkle, wipe wipe, uh oh. Someone's red headed step mother has come back for a hail-mary visit. I grab a tampon.
This is where the dudes 'round here need to go look at some nice, wholesome porn.
"Whassat, momma?" she asks as I unwrap it. "It's a tampon, honey." I say, moving as fast as I can to get this shit OVER as fast as I can. Maybe she won't see what's about to happen if I'm quick enough. "It's a tampon, honey; it goes inside..." And as I do the deed, she stands right in front of me, bends over, tilts her head way up so she's got the money shot, and watches what is certainly a Guinness World Record for tampon insertion. Unfortunately, I was just *this* much too occupied to stop her. Sigh.
"Ooooh, momma, it goes you bottom?" Christ. "Momma, you got a snake you bottom!" Fuck. Me. "Momma, you got a snake you bottom!" Yes, dear, it appears I do. "Guess what, guys?" she runs out of my room shouting, "Momma got a SNAKE her bottom!"
It's going to be a long day.
This morning, we lept out of bed at eleven eight because my daughter was freezing and her diaper was soaked loves us and missed us terribly over the night, and while The Donor went downstairs to wash last nights dishes make the coffee, I ran up to the bathroom to tinkle.
It's the post of strike outs. Sorry.
Of course 3of3 came with me. That piece of elastic she's got superglued onto her head and my hip only allow her to travel 2 feet away from me at any given moment. They tell me the glue will wear off before kindergarten; I have my doubts.
So, we're in the bathroom. Tinkle tinkle, wipe wipe, uh oh. Someone's red headed step mother has come back for a hail-mary visit. I grab a tampon.
This is where the dudes 'round here need to go look at some nice, wholesome porn.
"Whassat, momma?" she asks as I unwrap it. "It's a tampon, honey." I say, moving as fast as I can to get this shit OVER as fast as I can. Maybe she won't see what's about to happen if I'm quick enough. "It's a tampon, honey; it goes inside..." And as I do the deed, she stands right in front of me, bends over, tilts her head way up so she's got the money shot, and watches what is certainly a Guinness World Record for tampon insertion. Unfortunately, I was just *this* much too occupied to stop her. Sigh.
"Ooooh, momma, it goes you bottom?" Christ. "Momma, you got a snake you bottom!" Fuck. Me. "Momma, you got a snake you bottom!" Yes, dear, it appears I do. "Guess what, guys?" she runs out of my room shouting, "Momma got a SNAKE her bottom!"
It's going to be a long day.
Reader Comments (84)
I'm sure I saw the exact same thing on 'little house on the prairie' once.
Positively heartwarming.
Xbox4NappyRash wrote..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/11/anyone-got-cigarette.html" rel="nofollow">Anyone got a cigarette?
Actually physically ill right now! Awesome!
Matt wrote..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/11/07/the-preemie-adventure-barbara/" rel="nofollow">The Preemie Adventure - Barbara
I'm laughing so hard I lost my breath.
(And for the record, I'm laughing AT you, not WITH you.)
Not a moment I look forward to, though I think it's a rite of passage for all moms.
hahahahahahahaha oh my dear god... this is fucking priceless. and is so going to be re-told by me later in the afternoon to friends. heheehhe. snicker snicker.
Lo wrote..http://slaphappymusings.blogspot.com/2008/11/veterans-day.html" rel="nofollow">Veteran's Day.
Oh Lord, this is pretty much what I pictured happening when my 18 month old was with me in the lou the other day.
However, he didn't notice.
It's just a matter of time.
I remember having an argument with my mother when I was 5.
Her: Why have you got toilet paper in your underwear?
Me: Because *you* do! I saw you!
Her: I do not!
Me: You do!
Her (red faced): DO not!
Me: Do Too!
I never understood why she wouldn't admit it and the memory stuck with me - until one day as a teenager I finally figured it out.
Sophie,Inzaburbs wrote..http://www.inzaburbs.com/2008/11/10/here-have-some-photos-youre-welcome/" rel="nofollow">Here, Have some Photos. You’re Welcome.
Oh.My.God. Should I be laughing? Because I can't stop laughing. Gives new meaning to the term "medusa," does it not? Ah, the joys...at least yours stays in her bed cold with a wet diaper. Mine comes and climbs in with me after taking said sopping diaper off and leaving it on the floor for me to step on and then puts his cold bum right on me. Bleah. and oyu know, it matters not how much I blbber on and on, I still.can't.stop.laughing.
Kori wrote..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/11/totally-subjectless-post.html" rel="nofollow">Totally Subjectless Post
Bwahahaha....that's too funny. You can tell I'm not easily disturbed. Just think how much easier it will be to explain this to her later in life now.
Now you can always tell that, "mommy has to go play with snakes," to keep her out of the bathroom.
Jim wrote..http://h31n0us.blogspot.com/2008/11/blood-test.html" rel="nofollow">The Blood Test
Oh my. Yeah.
RobMonroe wrote..http://rob.mdmonroes.com/2008/11/10000.html" rel="nofollow">10,000!
I'm hoping to be able to do this kind of stuff by myself again in, oh, fourteen or so years. Oh, and I thought *I* was receiving the Best Mother Ever award.... {sigh}
Goldfish wrote..http://onthreekids.blogspot.com/2008/11/political-advertising-dollars-well.html" rel="nofollow">Political advertising dollars well-spent
PMSL!! You need a menstrual cup. LOL, scrap that, imagine the conversations then!
Yeah my 31-month-old is all about evaluating my bodily functions and shape right now. I'm just waiting for him to start telling strangers about mama's hairy butt.
Maria wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MommyMelee/~3/443726904/wordless-change.html" rel="nofollow">wordless - change
In a similar incident, my daughter asked me what animal bit me. I vacillated between wolf and bear before deciding NOT to scar her for life.
katie ~ motherbumper wrote..http://motherbumper.blogspot.com/2008/11/wall.html" rel="nofollow">The Wall
And the beauty of it is, when the hip glue does expire she has some great anecdotes for milk time at kindergarden.
SingleParentDad wrote..http://singleparentdad.blogspot.com/2008/11/boys-will-be-boys.html" rel="nofollow">Boys Will Be Boys
I once spent 20 minutes explaining that Mommy did NOT in fact, need him to kiss my boo-boo.
Honeybell wrote..http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/blogspot/girS/~3/RwvzW7yhzG0/jumping-on-gay-bandwagon-cause-it-has.html" rel="nofollow">Jumping on the Gay Bandwagon, 'Cause It Has Fabulous Tracklighting
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe *wipes eyes* hehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Major Bedhead wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MajorBedhead/~3/447150014/sing-happy-tune.html" rel="nofollow">Sing A Happy Tune
Ha ha ha ha ha!
A friend was just telling me that her son saw something similar (he just turned four) because she has a small baby too and just has to get down to business sometimes. She explained something about it being called a period and it's something women get sometimes. So now he asks, at any time, in any place, and at top volume, "Hey Mommy, you got the bleeds?"
Katherine wrote..http://fuzz.typepad.com/weblog/2008/11/chicken-pot-chi.html" rel="nofollow">Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot Piiiiiiieeeee*
I had a neighbor who was selling her house. Her realtor called to tell her prospective buyers were on their way over. She used her bathroom quickly before leaving, changed her tampon and left to do some shopping. When she returned later in the day there was her used tampon right where she had left it ... perched on the edge of her white sink counter in the bathroom. She had forgotten to dispose of it. The buyers (after a thorough tour of the house) declined to put in an offer.
Maybe they thought the house was infested with snakes?
I don't know who is funnier, you or SingleParentDad. I know better than to read your posts (and the comments...oh, the comments!) during work hours...
Ms. Maxwell wrote..http://www.schaererville.com/2008/11/and-how-far-from-tree-did-that-apple.html" rel="nofollow">And *how* far from the tree did that apple fall?
OMG. OMG.
OMG.
Maria wrote..http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ImmoralMatriarch/~3/buhHmF2czXI/" rel="nofollow">For Your Information:
I am so relieved I'm not the only one who has had to do this in front of my daughter. She asks me CONSTANTLY now, "Are you gonna have the pink pee? Where's your pnk pee?!?!"
*sigh*
Miss Britt wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MissBritt/~3/449157368/" rel="nofollow">Officially the First “I’m So Nervous About BlogHer!” Post of 2009
OMG! Thank you for your honesty....your posts are always entertaining and/or thought provoking....
I can appreciate your situation. I am surrounded by males in my house....and one day my four year old discovered my "tail"...lol.
Bwahahahaha, between you and Oh, The Joys, it's turning out to be a fine day indeed.
And also, my son knows how to unlock bathroom doors (so now I open the drawer that is right beside the door to stop the door once he's unlocked it, because uh, there have been some uncomfortable moments).
Natalie wrote..http://www.startingfromhere.com/2008/11/lesson-learned-for-now/" rel="nofollow">Lesson Learned - For Now
AHAHAHA... can't stop laughing to say any more.
oh mah hell! That is hysterical.
I have sooo been through that, and trying to convince the kid that mommy's boo boo does NOT need kissing. Yikes.
Thanks for the giggle.
ROFLMAO
And you know what? It got BETTER when I started reading the guys comments. Between you, Matt, and XBox, I just lost 2 pounds laughing.
Miss wrote..http://justmiss.wordpress.com/2008/11/10/whats-it-called-when-you-pimp-yourself/" rel="nofollow">What’s it called when you pimp yourself?
OMG, I read this at work. Laughing uncontrollably.
*Wait until she announces it to your fellow patrons at the grocery store and the bank! hee hee
Melisa wrote..http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com/2008/11/alright-alrightbirthdays-arent-that-bad.html" rel="nofollow">Alright, Alright...Birthdays Aren't THAT Bad, Especially When They Last A Week.
Classic! I love it!
17,081 words
Punditdad wrote..http://punditdad.wordpress.com/2008/11/05/5-things-liberals-like-me-should-do-next/" rel="nofollow">5 Things Liberals Like Me Should Do Next
My daughter always tells everyone, "Mommy's butt is bleeding again."
Mrs. Schmitty wrote..http://www.aschmittylife.com/2008/11/riddle-for-you.html" rel="nofollow">A Riddle For You
I'm losing my mind. You are a brave, brave woman.
Tara R. wrote..http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com/2008/11/11/providing-mojo-communicates-in-the-affirmative/" rel="nofollow">Providing Mojo communicates in the affirmative
(Chuckling in sympathy...)
Yah, motherhood is SO glamorous.
Kate wrote..http://katescrazylife.blogspot.com/2008/11/no-wonder.html" rel="nofollow">No Wonder
Just wanted to thank you for jogging my memory and recalling yet another of the long lost useless stored memories from my childhood! Except this one was of a snake hanging from either the biggest bush in the world or a gremlin that was attacking my mother in her nether regions fresh from the shower, which at the age of 5 and it being 1985, both were quite possible! The 80's....*shudder*
Thankfully when the hubs is home my mini me prefers shadowing *him*, giving me a much needed break to handle the necessities. Too bad for him, although it has improved his *aim* considerably while dodging "Oooh Daddy! You make bubbles!" . Good times...;)
O'Neal wrote..http://onealsdeal.blogspot.com/2008/11/real-conspiracy.html" rel="nofollow">The REAL Conspiracy
Oh dear Lord. I am laughing so hard that I am actually crying. From the post and the comments, "Little house on the prairie?" Thank you all.
OHmommy wrote..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/11/quack-you-my-middle-child.html" rel="nofollow">Quack you my middle child!
how did i escape this magical bonding time with the roo-girl? i don't know, but i'm grateful as all hell.
the planet of janet wrote..http://www.fromtheplanetofjanet.com/2008/11/absence-makes-heart-grow-stronger.html" rel="nofollow">Absence makes the heart grow stronger
My 11 year old has thankfully been spared that particular horror with me in the bathroom, but once when I was talking about periods with my 17 year old, the younger one casually said "I don't know how you bend over with one of those things inside you." Took me a few minutes before I realized she thought the entire thing went in and stayed in. Yipes. I tried not to laugh, and then took her in the bathroom, unwrapped a tampon and we had a mini lesson with a sink full of water. Her final comment? "Ohhhh, so it works kinka like a cork!" Oh jeez.
Some of the comments made me laugh almost as hard as your post! Ahhhhh it feels great to laugh tell you cry!
RiahLi wrote..http://riahli.blogspot.com/2008/11/earthy-friends.html" rel="nofollow">earthy friends
I love your kid. Hehehe.
Veronica wrote..http://somedaywewillsleep.com/?p=1097" rel="nofollow">Remembrance Day
my friend annie told her son the tampon was a make-up applicator. just saying.
ms picket to you wrote..http://postpicket.blogspot.com/2008/11/how-romantic-is-that.html" rel="nofollow">How Romantic is That
I love that the first 3 commentors were guys... *snort*
You know all my tampon stories. I can't top that one. I hope you don't have any poisonous snakes around there babe. Oh and you might wanna give anyone who looks after her the heads up ya know, in case she decides to tell them and they think it is another kinda snake...
Kelley wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MagnetoBoldToo/~3/448846057/" rel="nofollow">I cheated. I strayed. The one man in the world that always anticipated my needs. Please forgive me.
LOL...Yes, it's definitely a rite of passage for moms. Argh!!!
Maggie wrote..http://crazyjonesfamily.blogspot.com/2008/11/sundaya-day-of-rest.html" rel="nofollow">Sunday,,,A Day of Rest!
I feel like I must say something, but the words just aren't coming.
As I tried to deal with my business in a busy public restroom yesterday my DS said, loudly, "Mommy, why do women have menstrual blood?"
Not a conversation I was willing to have at that particular moment.
wrongshoes wrote..http://wrongshoes.com/?p=715" rel="nofollow">Open letter to the chatty moms at the gymnastics class
At least you were explaining it to your daughter. I have had more than a few conversations of in our household concerning the subject with my son who for the longest time didn't get that it was normal and his Mom was fine. We've all been through this or will as most kids like to invade potty time with their parents.
Thanks, I really needed a laugh today and I had tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard.
One Mom's Opinion wrote..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/11/political-wrapup.html" rel="nofollow">Political Wrapup
Oh dear. So this is what I have to look forward to?
I only hope that laughing at myself is as funny as this was :)
Nicole wrote..http://resolvingtimelineissues.wordpress.com/2008/11/09/diaper-humour/" rel="nofollow">Diaper Humour**
Oh goodness, I would be mortified.
Jaina wrote..http://girl-with-the-camera.blogspot.com/2008/11/campfires-quads-and-sandstormsoh-my.html" rel="nofollow">Campfires, Quads and Sandstorms...Oh My!!
Holy crap that is fucking awesome. You should make parenting videos for these moments.
What a great freakin' story and it simply confirms what I already was thinking - don't let my kids witness tampon insertion at all costs... thanks for that.
Lee the MWOB Queen wrote..http://momswithoutblogs.blogspot.com/2008/11/palin-prodigy.html" rel="nofollow">Palin Prodigy
I`m SO relieved I`m not the only one who gets comments from the peanut gallery. Though I haven`t had to deal with this one yet, but my son (almost three) frequently yells, "Mama has to PEE!" so the entire neighborhood can hear it (we have to hike half a block to our shared bathroom.
It`s really, really funny that guys were the first commenters!
Expat Mom wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ExpatMom/~3/446843954/" rel="nofollow">In Which I Reveal My Dorkiness
I tell my daughter I'll explain when she's older, its for mommies only and then scream "PERSONAL SPACE" at her while shoving her out the door.