;)
Monday
Nov172008
Tooth Fairy Helps Self To More Teeth
Monday, November 17, 2008 at 1:55AM
I found that in The Onion one day a few years back, and I've just been holding on to it. Today, it's oddly appropriate.
I read somewhere when my kids were little that children will lose teeth on approximately the same timeline as the gained them. I've found this to be eerily accurate. For example, 1of3 cut his first tooth at 5 months and 3 weeks, and lost his first tooth at 5 years and 3 weeks. 2of3 woke up one morning when he was 6 months old with a mouth full of teeth, and the day he lost his first tooth, at age 6, he lost 2 in the same day.
Why yes, that did suck, thanks for asking.
Both of my boys have a few loose teeth right now. 2of3 has had 3 working hard on wiggling for a while now; those two on either side of his foremost incisors, and the bottom left canine. The two on the top have been just the slightest bit wiggly, and the bottom canine hasn't budged at all, but the adult tooth has started coming up through the gums behind it. He's got a wickedly small jaw, so his teeth always come in behind the babies and push them out.
Wednesday morning, 2of3 tells me his top right tooth is really loose. I wiggle it, and it's like a week from now loose, which is progress. By the end of the day, he had that tooth under his pillow. That boy can get anything done when he sets his mind to it.
Thursday morning, $5 richer, he tells me that the bottom tooth is really loose. I wiggle it, and it ALSO is about a week from now loose, maybe two weeks. It's no where NEAR ready to come out. I tell him to leave it the hell alone already. All day he messes with it, and all day it doesn't come out. By dinner time, however, he's got it to the point where he can spin it all the way around. He can't eat, because it hurts too much, and he's messed with it so bad that his gums are all swollen. He tries everything to get that sucker out.
Not only did that fail, it really hurt. And it was my last apple. I almost had him convinced to do the dental floss/doorknob thing (because, come on, I've always wanted to see if that works) but he opted for less barbaric, if not more unhygienic, measures.
Um gross? I sent him to bed and reminded him that tooth fairies do not look in tummies or in poop for teeth, so he'd better not swallow it.
Friday morning he awakes, and still has his tooth, and gets his butt off to school. Where he looses his tooth before lunch. He is the happiest kid ALIVE. Saturday morning I am awoken at 8 in the morning on a goddamn Saturday with a very bouncy, "She came! She left me $5 again!" At 10, when I got out of bed, I discovered that she, in fact, had left him $9 under his pillow.
Um, what?
Maybe the Tooth Fairy's lovely assistant had thought she'd forgotten, and so added money? I asked the Tooth Fairy's lovely assistant, and the lovely assistant had NOT added more money. But there our child stood, with a fiver and two toonies. Huh.
Welcome to the next installment of "Our Kids Have Us By Our Collective Balls." I mean, it's not like we can say ANYTHING here, not after the whole debate about the Tooth Fairy being real that we'd JUST had. Color us screwed.
I badgered a confession out of him later, by staring into all his yellow eyes and telling him to put on his truth hat*. And then I just asked him. And he just told me that he found $4 on the table. All of this happened just in time, too, because he soon got bored and when he gets bored, apparently, teeth come out. He came to me right before dinner and said, "Hey, mom! Check out my tooth!"
My, what dirty teeth you have! No, that's not dirty, that's the BACK. Of the tooth that was almost not loose the day before. Seriously, child. By the end of last night, that tooth was under his pillow.
And this morning, he was thrilled to wake up to a tooth still under his pillow.
Wanna stop your kid from ripping teeth out of his face? FORGET TO PAY HIM TO DO IT. Works like a charm.
We spent the better part of the morning kicking ourselves in the asses shifting blame around consoling him and trying to figure out what the hell happened. Was The Tooth Fairy just totally bombed last night? Had she come so many times this week already, she thought our wish was a repeat? Was she upset that he'd stolen from his parents? What the hell happened? And then he said the one thing that's made the past 10 years of parenting worth it....
"Maybe it wasn't clean enough, mom."
I have told my kids from the time they had teeth that The Tooth Fairy A) exists and B) doesn't take dirty teeth, so you'd better brush and sit still at the dentist, yo. We have never tested this theory. And just like that, my shitastic parenting paid off. Those kids are suddenly petrified of having dirty teeth. He ran right upstairs, brushed the lost tooth, brushed the attached teeth, and I swear to GOD ON HIGH, she's coming tonight with Five. More. Dollars.
I hope he buys me something nice with all his new-found riches.
The Truth Hat is an imaginary hat that goes on, and if truth comes out after it, no punishments are given. It's the best thing I've EVER thought up.
Reader Comments (58)
the tooth fairy could go broke in your house. tell those kids to wait a bit between tooth loses, will ya?
(and let me just say, the truth hat? is brilliant. wish i had thought of that years ago!!)
the planet of janet wrote..http://www.fromtheplanetofjanet.com/2008/11/can-you-hear-me-now.html" rel="nofollow">Can you hear me now?
FIVE FREAKIN' DOLLARS?! Per tooth? I hope to God that the kids at my children's school don't talk. 'Cause I'm not sure how I am going to explain why the Tooth Fairy is a cheap-ass in our house...
miko564 wrote..http://themonkeyandscratch.blogspot.com/2008/11/ciii-computer-fund.html" rel="nofollow">The Ciii Computer Fund
Boo doesn't care for the tooth fairy.
But he does like to rip out his own goddamn teeth.
On the weekend he found one of the teeth he had randomly ripped out sitting on the bench.
And tried to eat it.
My kid? Too freaking weird.
(oh and feel free to delete this comment seeing you have that comment luv thingy and I have a naughty word in my latest post title and apparently I should give up commenting on peoples blogs until I can come up with another more appropriate blog post with a nice wholesome title. You are welcome)
Kelley wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MagnetoBoldToo/~3/455852325/" rel="nofollow">I’d rather a fucking angel on my shoulder…
Crap 5 bucks. With inflation I expect I will be shelling out 20 per tooth in 5 years. What ever happened to the quarter?
DC Urban Dad wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/typepad/mattnando/dcurbandad/~3/450017690/the-winner-is.html" rel="nofollow">Do you have balls?
For the record, the doorknob thing DOES work. And another thing that my Dad did when I had loose teeth, like the ones that were just hanging there? He would grab them with a dry washcloth and yank them out.
I can still taste the dry washcloth. Ugh.
Melisa wrote..http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com/2008/11/well-continue-regularly-scheduled-non.html" rel="nofollow">We'll Continue Regularly Scheduled, Non-cranky Posts Tomorrow.
Truth hat? Brilliant! I may have to use that one myself.
I totally thought the punchline to this post was going to be that he was intentionally loosening and then losing teeth to "earn" money for something specific.
SciFi Dad wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/TalesFromTheDadSide/~3/455890882/broken-rules.html" rel="nofollow">Broken Rules
Tht is sooo funny. Myds spent about a month working on the first tooth...he has it hanging by a single thread for about a week and a half before finally pulling it out...After that he was losing another every week or two...working the loose one's with a passion until they were out...
The toothfairy was definetly getting irritated coming to our house so often..."she" forgot to pay on at least 3 occations...
This year he tested his theory on "who" he thought the tooth fairy was...by NOT telling anyone he had lost a tooth...We were discovered...and now I am happy to just hand him the money...
Kids...geez.
Ooh, this post totally brought back memories of having a wiggly tooth. Remember that sound it made, wiggling it around? SHUDDER.
Assertagirl wrote..http://www.assertagirl.com/?p=950" rel="nofollow">1, 2, 3…Jump!
losing teeth always kinda creeped me out...i didn't like having the really loose ones just dangling there in my mouth, but the thought of actually pulling an actual tooth out of my actual mouth?? GROSS.
and if kids today knew how good they had it - five bucks for a lousy tooth?? sheesh. i think we got fifty cents for the big teeth, and like a quarter for the little ones. what a rip off!
auntie wrote..http://imstillhereagain.blogspot.com/2008/11/i-saved-best-for-last.html" rel="nofollow">I Saved The Best For Last!
I once had a loose tooth at my dad's - he got out the pliers. And the string and the door-knob? Totally works. I think I got bored with them just coming out at dinner and wanted to be daring :)
I'm stealing the truth hat as we have a little tale teller in our midst. Nothing important, he's just five trying to blame his sister for everything he can.
Catherine wrote..http://pinkasparag.us/2008/11/17/yellow-pages/" rel="nofollow">Yellow Pages
Huh, she doesn't pay for dirty teeth. YOU should write a parenting guide.
OHmommy wrote..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/11/os-favorite-things.html" rel="nofollow">O's Favorite Things
FIVE DOLLARS FOR A TOOTH?!
That part about him spinning it around will be in my head all day long. Thanks.
I like the part about not paying for dirty teeth.
Natalie wrote..http://www.startingfromhere.com/2008/11/sunday-best-amazingly-on-time-sort-of/" rel="nofollow">Sunday Best - amazingly on time - sort of
That is freaky that losing their corresponded so well to getting their teeth. However, my daughter will lose her ever-loving mind if I tell her she's going to be at least 8 years old before she loses a tooth! (She got her first two teeth at 8 months, 2 more at twelve and then not one single new tooth until 18 months when she grew 8 teeth in 2 weeks. I'm not even exaggerating! What the HELL do I do if she loses 8 teeth at once???? And how does an 18 year old deal with losing so many teeth at once???)
Shannon wrote..http://www.livinginthegray.com/2008/11/16/picture-memes-with-a-side-of-nostalgia/" rel="nofollow">Picture memes with a side of nostalgia
Oh and three cheers for shittastic parenting, yo!
Shannon wrote..http://www.livinginthegray.com/2008/11/16/picture-memes-with-a-side-of-nostalgia/" rel="nofollow">Picture memes with a side of nostalgia
Yeah my kid only get$1 per tooth, and it's those gold ones they give you as change at the post office.
Also I had that the toothfairy didn't come problem myself, until I told my daughter the fairy is on a rotation. She doesn't check every night, she only has certain days she even comes to our neighborhood. So if I miss a day, I am totally covered. Yay Me. - I truely wish I was as inspired as you are though. I really wish I had thought of the not clean enough fairy. That was evil genius at work right there.
Daisy wrote..http://totallytattoedmama.blogspot.com/2008/11/wake-up-alone.html" rel="nofollow">Wake Up Alone
My brother tried the fishing wire to the doorknob, a la The Flintstones or some other cartoon, on my sister. It didn't work. What did work was when he had me bite down on a towel and then he yanked really hard. It worked so well, he pulled a tooth out that wasn't even loose. The one that was loose, on the other hand, stayed right there in my mouth.
so how many teeth does he actually have left?? hahahaha he is a riot!!! Love it!!!
Choch wrote..http://rachaelgreedy.wordpress.com/2008/11/11/due-for-life-changing-event/" rel="nofollow">Due for life changing event?
Five bucks? Shit! Our tooth fairy forgot a couple times too. I'm quite sure she'd had a little too much wine those evenings and fell fast asleep without remembering young, innocent children were waiting for her arrival. (I suck as a mom? Yes?) Now we are past the tooth fairy days ... thank God!
I LOVED losing teeth as a kid. If those suckers weren't lose, I'd use the pliers until they were. I'm always so confused when my kids won't let me pull their teeth.
Honeybell wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/%7Er/blogspot/girS/%7E3/421547716/more-about-my-nutcake-neighbors.html" rel="nofollow">More About My Nutcake Neighbors
your tooth fairy is loaded! 3 kids, 20 some odd teeth at 5 bucks a piece, thats like, a car note.
I am digging on the 'clean tooth' idea and I too was befuddled when Missy B's teeth fell out in accordance with coming in. My sister and I totally did the dental floss/door knob bit. Didn't really work with the gusto we hoped for but when all else failed we preferred a jab to the tooth, as long as she missed hitting my lip, I was cool with it.
TRACI wrote..http://www.smartassmom.com/2008/11/gerd-gerd-gerd-gerd-is-word.html" rel="nofollow">Gerd, Gerd, Gerd-Gerd is the word.
My oldest has a loose tooth. It's been loose for nearly three weeks. She is a weenie. I was like your son. As son as those suckers were BARELY moving I was getting them out. It grossed my mom out and now that my daughter has started losing her teeth I know why. Ewww.
kd@abitsquirrelly wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ABitSquirrelly/~3/455979365/seven-years-ago.html" rel="nofollow">Seven Years Ago
Wow, the truth hat and no money for dirty teeth? Genius. We gave our kiddo $1 for each tooth and told him he would owe us 50 cents if the Tooth Fairy came downstairs and told us his room was messy. So yeah, we always knew when he was about to lose a tooth because his room would suddenly look great.
Miss Yvonne wrote..http://yo-mamasblog.blogspot.com/2008/11/quantum-of-bad-judgement.html" rel="nofollow">Quantum of Bad Judgement
Five buck? Damn.
Truth Hat? Damn.
Only 'clean' teeth? Damn...
Stealing everything but the $5...you are totally throwing off the grade curve, dude...
sticky wrote..http://www.nottoosticky.com/2008/11/not-too-greatest-mom-every.html" rel="nofollow">not too "Greatest Mom Ever"(y)...
You mean you didn't teach them to tie one end of a string around the tooth and the other to a doorknob?
:)
jessica wrote..http://stapeliad.blogspot.com/2008/11/aed16.html" rel="nofollow">AED.16
When I was a kid I too believed in the Cash Cow, er Tooth Fairy. I knew that if that sucker came out, I would get money. I would work that thing out in a day. Blood would be streaming down my face, but I hated the feeling of it loose and I was a greedy little thing. My sister would have a loose tooth for months, that was just not good business sense. This was easy money compared to collecting pop bottles to return that we got a penny for the small bottles and a nickel for the big ones (yes, I am old and back then all I got was a quarter for a tooth) We would go to the candy store and buy a bag of penny candies. Some penny candies were 2 for a penny. Candy bars were huge so they were a dime.
Oh god, I'm starting to sound like my mother, talking about the good old days. Someone shoot me now!
Chris O wrote..http://mycatatemybrain.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-kids-have-asked-how-i-met-dad.html" rel="nofollow">The Pickup Artist
We had our son believing in the tooth fairy AND Santa until last year - he's going to be 14 yrs old in March. Even when all his friends were saying they were not real ... we'd do things like leave a letter from Santa ... and of course there HAD to be a santa because he KNEW I wouldn't drink the milk.
He was heartbroken when he finally asked me point blank and I said, "if you don't believe ... then there can't be a tooth fairy or a santa claus. That's just the way it works ... you have to believe".
That got us through one more year - haha. Then one day, we too forgot to deliver on the missing tooth and our excuse was, "well then you must truly not believe any more ... what a sad day for you."
The tweezer pic makes me shiver a little bit. I don't like it at all...sort of Clockwork Orange-ish.
So that means my daughter will lose her first tooth when she turns ELEVEN? What the hell?
matt wrote..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/11/17/um-ahhhhmm/" rel="nofollow">Um. Ahhh….hmm.
K, according to your theory of tooth-loss timing, my son won't lose his first tooth until he's 10?? He didn't get teeth until 10 months... That's gonna be really embarrasing for him to still be losing teeth in high school.
Kate wrote..http://katescrazylife.blogspot.com/2008/11/to-do.html" rel="nofollow">To Do
Oh my goodness. My oldest is going to lose all his teeth at once, according to your theory! He had a full mouth of chompers by 8 months (SOOOO glad I didn`t breastfeed!).
When I was little, my dad pulled my loose teeth out with pliers. Until one day, I begged and begged him to haul out one that wasn`t ready . . . and it just didn`t come out. Lots of blood and tears though and he refused to touch my teeth ever again. We didn`t have the Tooth Fairy though. Or Santa. It`s probably a lot cheaper that way. ;)
Expat Mom wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ExpatMom/~3/454959099/" rel="nofollow">Excuse Me, I Think I`m Lost, Can You Help Me?
I am so using that 'dirty teeth' thing with my son. I always suspected you were a genius.
Jim wrote..http://h31n0us.blogspot.com/2008/11/meds.html" rel="nofollow">The Meds
I don't have this problem. I bribe well, just like you, but my son does NOT want to give up his baby teeth. It is a big drama to convince him to let 'em go when they are hanging by a thread. Don't get it.
P.S. The truth hat? BRILLIANT
Stephanie wrote..http://wipetheseat.blogspot.com/2008/11/still-avoiding-my-problems-and-work.html" rel="nofollow">Still avoiding my problems. And work, apparently.
The problem is that the going rate in Canada for teeth is 5 bucks. Damn inflation.
LOVE the Truth Hat though.... MrLady parenting, who'da thunk it?
Miss wrote..http://justmiss.wordpress.com/2008/11/16/summer-madness/" rel="nofollow">Summer Madness
That last photo reminds me of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, when Mac is about to extract Charlie's tooth and it just pops out.
No? Just me? OK.
Hell, that means Emma's not losing any teeth until she's 10?? And I already hear all the time how she's "the only one in the first grade". Guess I could always knock one out...
Truth hat, brilliant. And stolen.
amy wrote..http://amysbratpack.blogspot.com/2008/11/they-keep-making-me-better.html" rel="nofollow">They keep making me better
$5 is nothing!! I was a fairly new divorcee and my son was visiting his dad when he lost his first tooth and...he came home excited that the tooth fairy brought him $10!!!
Looking back, I SHOULD HAVE made up a wonderful story about the first tooth being the most valuable, but no....I felt obligated to match his father's $10 bid for teeth and hence, my son's tooth fairy shelled out $10 for each and every one. :(
Kaylen wrote..http://lifeofkaylen.blogspot.com/2008/11/read-like-maniac-weekend-american-wife.html" rel="nofollow">Read Like A Maniac Weekend: American Wife:
$5.00!!!!!! I better start a tooth fairy account.
All 3 of my kids got their 1st tooth when they were 9 months old. I can't imagine a 9yo with all his/her baby teeth...funny, I bet!!!
Maggie wrote..http://crazyjonesfamily.blogspot.com/2008/11/transported-backto-high-school.html" rel="nofollow">Transported back....to high school!!!
My kid once tried to pull one over on the Tooth Fairy and put our mangy old dog's lost tooth under her pillow. TF left her a Milk Bone and a note to not try that one again.
$5?! I'll pull a few teeth for that much... gotta get some $$ for a trip to Chicago this summer.
Tara R. wrote..http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com/2008/11/17/end-of-the-clutter-31/" rel="nofollow">End of the clutter ~ 3.1
This post reminded me of how much I sucked as a parent. Cam's first tooth? I totally fell asleep and forgot to put money under his pillow. But did you know in the event that the tooth fairy makes that mistake, you get paid like QUADRUPLE the very next night?
Yeah. We had us a serial yanker after that! No not that kind, that didn't happen for several more years! ;)
Special K wrote..http://specialk513.blogspot.com/2008/11/boys-are-handy.html" rel="nofollow">Boys are handy!
So with this logic, my daughter who didn't get her first tooth until 16 months...won't lose any teeth until she's 16?? Oh crap! Poor girl.
My parents woke me up accidentally once being the tooth fairy. They tried to cover up by saying they were just checking to see how much the tooth fairy left...but I wasn't fooled.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children wrote..http://playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren.com/2008/11/17/the-contents-of-my-purse-the-stolen-post/" rel="nofollow">The contents of my purse. The stolen post.
My brother lost a tooth chewing on a dining room chair. No Kidding!!! My parents had these vinyl covered soft modern diningroom chairs and my brother took a bite into on of them and lost the tooth in the chair (I think). I have not found it and I now have the dining room set.
Kristin wrote..http://klhusby.spaces.live.com/Blog/cns!6565A526319143BC!659.entry" rel="nofollow">We got third again!
I was dying at that photo with the tweezers.. I.had.to.look.away. chills.. Not a fan of the whole loose teeth thing.. not sure how I am going to make it through that stage.. but I am keeping the dirty teeth thing hidden for future use..
Kim wrote..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/11/16/weekly-winners.html" rel="nofollow">Weekly Winners
I always thought those big, Chiclet, replacement teeth were hilarious looking.
Middle-Aged-Woman wrote..http://unmitigated.typepad.com/unmitigated/2008/11/the-most-important-meal-of-the-day.html" rel="nofollow">The Most Important Meal of the Day
$5 for a tooth? Can I come to your house? I'm sure I can lose a tooth or two. I'm old. Shit, they need to go anyway.
Your kid knows a good thing when he sees one. I see a future capitalist in the making. Cool!
Michele wrote..http://michele-dogslife.blogspot.com/2008/11/charity-dog-walk-weekend-poem.html" rel="nofollow">Charity Dog Walk Weekend - A Poem
I had to close my eyes past the pictures.
Jaina wrote..http://girl-with-the-camera.blogspot.com/2008/11/100-greatest-books.html" rel="nofollow">100 Greatest Books
Dude, I am NOT Letting my kids know that your fairy is so rich. $5 a tooth, eh? Bet you're regretting THAT one this week!!
I LOVE that he brushed the lost tooth.
tracey wrote..http://tracey-justanothermommyblog.blogspot.com/2008/11/r-e-s-p-e-c-t.html" rel="nofollow">R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Okay, so we're not going to do the toothfairy thing, but I am SO stealing the truth hat. Cept maybe a different accessory - like a bright gold shoulder bag with white jewels on it.
Zoeyjane wrote..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/11/15/on-realizations/" rel="nofollow">On Realizations
The picture was crazy, I cannot believe someone took that, it is too hysterical and slight reminiscent of first grade, which I will blog about later. You were so right to bar the toothfairy from the house for that tooth, "Ripped untimely from it's mother's womb." You know... I have always maintained that if we take them out before their time, the new ones will grow in crooked, at least that is what the school nurse used to say to us. Thanks for the nod to Tom Sawyer, my favorite boy EVER!
Micki from Pandora's Box wrote..http://mickiwendt.blogspot.com/2008/11/michelles-anisette-cookies.html" rel="nofollow">Michelle's Anisette Cookies
ZOMFG THIS IS AWESOME!
I am totally taking notes and signing up for your parenting class.
I LOVE THE TRUTH HAT!
thedemigod wrote..http://burnedbutawesome.wordpress.com/2008/11/17/weird-demigod-widgets-episode-339/" rel="nofollow">Weird Demigod Widgets - Episode 339
OMG, that is hilarious. I thought my daughter was bad with the losing teeth stuff but man, your house kicks our butts!
And, if you don't mind, I may have to borrow the Truth Hat! Nice work!
CynthiaK wrote..http://crumbsintheminivan.blogspot.com/2008/11/day-sixteen-what-only-moms-truly-know.html" rel="nofollow">Day Sixteen - What only moms truly know
i am going to try the truth hat idea.
have you ever been able to however - not handle the truth??
and thought dangit, why did i say no punishments.
it is still a fab idea. i'm going to do it. i do try to make statements like if you tell the truth, its better, or i won't be mad etc. and those appeals always work.