Friday
Dec052008
I Already Have My Two Front Teeth
Friday, December 5, 2008 at 1:50AM | Mr Lady
So the question remains...what is it I want for Christmas? The answer? I've already gotten it.
I live this life that is colorful to say the least, that has challenged me and pushed me at every turn and almost broken me a few times over. I get up every day and a trudge through it, and all the while I am haunted by demons whose faces I know all to well, who always lurk in the dark corners. They're always here, they always will be.
Sometimes I forget they're there. Sometimes I get so used to seeing them, I start to see through them, like that cobweb in the corner by my front door that I mean to get vacuumed up but I'm just so used to it now, I hardly even notice it anymore. And worse? I'm starting to look forward to the times when I see it again. For some reason, that stupid cobweb grounds me.
Anyway, enough about my awful housekeeping skills. I find that when winter comes, when the sun just refuses to shine, when it starts raining for days and then weeks and then months on end, that's when I can't ignore those demons anymore. Maybe they feed off the deficiency of vitamin D in my system, maybe they just like me better when I'm chilly, but this is when I'm down, so this is when they kick.
Normally, I'd be a sloppy wreck right now. Normally, I'd be so homesick it physically hurts. Normally I'd be slowly shutting down from the world, putting my heart into hibernation just to protect myself until May comes and the sun returns. This year, not so much. This year, I'm doing just fine.
You know, it's really easy to remember what's hard, what hurts, but remembering the good takes work. It takes dedication. I have to will myself into it, and I can't always, and maybe that's because I know hurt and pain and rage, but happy is still a foreign thing to me. I'm willing myself into it this year. And I have very good reason.
All around me, every minute of every day, there is inspiration. I have, just this very week, seen true compassion and pure humanity on a level I thought only existed in novels. I have witnessed raw courage and valiant bravery that has humbled me beyond all comprehension. I have been touched by the human condition this week, and it's changed something fundamental about how I'm seeing my world, my life, my past and present and future.
A few years ago, when my whole world fell apart, when everything imploded, when I was left alone, afraid and just about totally helpless, a family not my own took my hand and they held it. They held it and they didn't let go until I propped myself up, stood, and took a few unsure steps. They stood back and they watched me fumble around, finding my own feet, and once I was ready they took me to a window and they taught me how to fly.
I owe them everything I am today. If I let myself slide down, even a little, it will take away from what they did for me, and no one has ever done anything like that for anyone I've ever known. I'm going to make it worth it. I'm going to look forward in the direction they pointed me and go from there.
I'm going to languish in this feeling I have this year that there is really, truly, powerful amounts of good and strength in the world, and maybe I just have to allow myself to dwell there and not the grey, dark places I usually go to. I'm going to rejoice in my little family, that we have each other, and not regret that I can't be home with my family, or their family, this year. I'm going to create quiet, sweet silly traditions with my children this year, and even though we don't really have anyone to share those with, we have each other, right? That's good enough. That's more than I ever imagined I'd have. I'm going to reach deep down inside of myself, and I am going to grab hold of this piece of me that wants so much to be joyous, and I'm going to hold on to it until it stands up, walks around a little, and then I'm going to let it fly. Who knows where it will take me?
I have spent the past few days considerably happier than I've been in a long time, mostly because I've allowed my perception to change. I've allowed myself to feel hope, for myself and for others. I sat back last night and watched as my kids played together on the living room floor with a bunch of marbles, and I realized that I am completely, totally charmed. I have everything I could even want, everything I could ever dream of, right here in front of me with smiling faces and smelly hair. I know love on so many wonderful and different levels, I know joy, and nothing that has ever come before or will come after can take that away from me. Someone taught me that this week. Someone taught me that chocolate ice cream and pure will can cure all evils, and I will forever thank her for that.
Tonight as my daughter and I drove to the video store, a song came on the radio. That Kansas song, Dust In The Wind? I turned it up and silently mouthed the words to it as I looked out over a blood red sunset like we just don't get here in winter, ever, and I drifted back to the last time I'd heard that song, when I was maybe 14 or so. My mother used to sit with her Ovation acoustic, strumming those notes and singing those words, and I would sit in front of her and drown myself in it. My mother could sing like no other, and she played guitar like the angels. I listened to it on the radio tonight, hearing her voice through my speakers, seeing her fingers right there in front of me on the steering wheel, and that's when I realized that something really has shifted inside of me.
I can't remember the last time I had a fond memory of my mother. I can't remember feeling anything but unadulterated black smoky hate for her. Tonight in the car, it just came to me. I didn't have to will it, I didn't want to fight it. I cherish that memory of her. I cherish a lot of memories of her. Most of it was unimaginably painful, but some of it was magic. Sometimes we flew. That's what I want to hold on to.
This year, this Christmas, I just want to keep flying. I want this feeling that I have, the feeling of beauty and of love and the knowledge that I am not alone, that none of us are really ever alone, to keep pushing me up and up and up, until all that I can see is light. It's possible, it's happening, and it's the greatest gift I've ever been given.
I live this life that is colorful to say the least, that has challenged me and pushed me at every turn and almost broken me a few times over. I get up every day and a trudge through it, and all the while I am haunted by demons whose faces I know all to well, who always lurk in the dark corners. They're always here, they always will be.
Sometimes I forget they're there. Sometimes I get so used to seeing them, I start to see through them, like that cobweb in the corner by my front door that I mean to get vacuumed up but I'm just so used to it now, I hardly even notice it anymore. And worse? I'm starting to look forward to the times when I see it again. For some reason, that stupid cobweb grounds me.
Anyway, enough about my awful housekeeping skills. I find that when winter comes, when the sun just refuses to shine, when it starts raining for days and then weeks and then months on end, that's when I can't ignore those demons anymore. Maybe they feed off the deficiency of vitamin D in my system, maybe they just like me better when I'm chilly, but this is when I'm down, so this is when they kick.
Normally, I'd be a sloppy wreck right now. Normally, I'd be so homesick it physically hurts. Normally I'd be slowly shutting down from the world, putting my heart into hibernation just to protect myself until May comes and the sun returns. This year, not so much. This year, I'm doing just fine.
You know, it's really easy to remember what's hard, what hurts, but remembering the good takes work. It takes dedication. I have to will myself into it, and I can't always, and maybe that's because I know hurt and pain and rage, but happy is still a foreign thing to me. I'm willing myself into it this year. And I have very good reason.
All around me, every minute of every day, there is inspiration. I have, just this very week, seen true compassion and pure humanity on a level I thought only existed in novels. I have witnessed raw courage and valiant bravery that has humbled me beyond all comprehension. I have been touched by the human condition this week, and it's changed something fundamental about how I'm seeing my world, my life, my past and present and future.
A few years ago, when my whole world fell apart, when everything imploded, when I was left alone, afraid and just about totally helpless, a family not my own took my hand and they held it. They held it and they didn't let go until I propped myself up, stood, and took a few unsure steps. They stood back and they watched me fumble around, finding my own feet, and once I was ready they took me to a window and they taught me how to fly.
I owe them everything I am today. If I let myself slide down, even a little, it will take away from what they did for me, and no one has ever done anything like that for anyone I've ever known. I'm going to make it worth it. I'm going to look forward in the direction they pointed me and go from there.
I'm going to languish in this feeling I have this year that there is really, truly, powerful amounts of good and strength in the world, and maybe I just have to allow myself to dwell there and not the grey, dark places I usually go to. I'm going to rejoice in my little family, that we have each other, and not regret that I can't be home with my family, or their family, this year. I'm going to create quiet, sweet silly traditions with my children this year, and even though we don't really have anyone to share those with, we have each other, right? That's good enough. That's more than I ever imagined I'd have. I'm going to reach deep down inside of myself, and I am going to grab hold of this piece of me that wants so much to be joyous, and I'm going to hold on to it until it stands up, walks around a little, and then I'm going to let it fly. Who knows where it will take me?
I have spent the past few days considerably happier than I've been in a long time, mostly because I've allowed my perception to change. I've allowed myself to feel hope, for myself and for others. I sat back last night and watched as my kids played together on the living room floor with a bunch of marbles, and I realized that I am completely, totally charmed. I have everything I could even want, everything I could ever dream of, right here in front of me with smiling faces and smelly hair. I know love on so many wonderful and different levels, I know joy, and nothing that has ever come before or will come after can take that away from me. Someone taught me that this week. Someone taught me that chocolate ice cream and pure will can cure all evils, and I will forever thank her for that.
Tonight as my daughter and I drove to the video store, a song came on the radio. That Kansas song, Dust In The Wind? I turned it up and silently mouthed the words to it as I looked out over a blood red sunset like we just don't get here in winter, ever, and I drifted back to the last time I'd heard that song, when I was maybe 14 or so. My mother used to sit with her Ovation acoustic, strumming those notes and singing those words, and I would sit in front of her and drown myself in it. My mother could sing like no other, and she played guitar like the angels. I listened to it on the radio tonight, hearing her voice through my speakers, seeing her fingers right there in front of me on the steering wheel, and that's when I realized that something really has shifted inside of me.
I can't remember the last time I had a fond memory of my mother. I can't remember feeling anything but unadulterated black smoky hate for her. Tonight in the car, it just came to me. I didn't have to will it, I didn't want to fight it. I cherish that memory of her. I cherish a lot of memories of her. Most of it was unimaginably painful, but some of it was magic. Sometimes we flew. That's what I want to hold on to.
This year, this Christmas, I just want to keep flying. I want this feeling that I have, the feeling of beauty and of love and the knowledge that I am not alone, that none of us are really ever alone, to keep pushing me up and up and up, until all that I can see is light. It's possible, it's happening, and it's the greatest gift I've ever been given.
Reader Comments (80)
Your sunset theme song was much better than mine.
Zoeyjane wrote..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/12/04/on-beautiful-silliness/" rel="nofollow">On Beautiful Silliness
*sigh*
I love it when you write like this.
I love it when you reach inside and pull out these gems.
You are truly awesome babe. Despite everything. Because of everything.
Your Christmas this year is going to be magical.
Kelley wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MagnetoBoldToo/~3/475445708/" rel="nofollow">What was that? Did you see something?
Incredible post. I would like to second the notion that I love it when you write like this.
I don't know if this helps at all, but I hope it will. (My father speaks with a thick accent, which I will try to recreate here.)
The night before our wedding, after our rehearsal dinner, I was driving my father back to their hotel (my mother had left earlier because of her health, so we were alone in the car), when he turned to me and said, "You have to put your family first now."
"What? Yeah, Dad. I know."
"No, you don't. Mom and me, we no you family. We you family, but we no you family."
"I don't get it."
"You wife, she you family now. If one day you lucky and you have da babies, they you family too. But me and Mom? We no you family. You family is you wife and babies."
You may not be with all your relatives this Christmas, but you are with your family.
SciFi Dad wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/TalesFromTheDadSide/~3/475614581/opportunities.html" rel="nofollow">Opportunities
I'm a long time reader (lurker) but today it hit me just how much bitterness you must have to deal with every single day. It gave me the chills/ warm fuzzies to read that you are able to embrace a cherished memory of that woman who has caused you so much ever-lasting pain. That's strength, dude. I hope this feeling, or at least the memory of this feeling, lingers :)
ditto on everything that Kelley said. and. one more thing... i love you.
OHmommy wrote..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/12/want-this-want-this-one.html" rel="nofollow">Want this. Want this one.
Fly, baby, fly. I get it. Oh, I so totally get it and will sing with you for a long time on this one. Thanks for the gift of this post.
MB wrote..http://blogmemama.blogspot.com/2008/12/were-in-market.html" rel="nofollow">We're in the market...
Hey Lady! You're fucking getting it! It's the good shit you hold on to..........just brush the bad shit off of your shoulder...........does this make any sense at all? Peace, Mike.
Fabulous! This post made me so happy for you!! I hope this season IS the best one you've ever had. And the silly, sweet traditions are the only ones that really matter! Have a blast, dear...
tracey wrote..http://tracey-justanothermommyblog.blogspot.com/2008/12/21-days-till-christmas.html" rel="nofollow">21 days till Christmas!
You're learning the recipe. Got lemons? Make lemonade. Sometimes you need to add vodka (or whiskey), but make the lemonade. I only know you as a writer, and you're amazing -- but I also get that you're a pretty amazing person too, even though I've never gotten to meet you. I'll just look forward to all the time I get to spend "with you" here on your blog.
Well, Merry Christmas, then! So glad that you've already gotten your Christmas present. I had a similar realization the other day in the car with the kids. It made me stop for a minute and say; "Dude, shut the hell up! Your life is great! Quit the complaining already!" Merry Christmas, Mr. Lady; to you and yours.
NukeDad wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Nuclearfamilywarheadcom/~3/474720874/" rel="nofollow">I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty
"May you get the gentle breeze to keep your wings high and let your spirit soar"
*hugs*
~K
Kel wrote..http://www.cafekel.com/2008/12/today.html" rel="nofollow">Today....
Thank you for sharing this. Once again... I get this! I soooo get this!
I have been allowing myself to see some of the good in my parents as well. I'm slowly starting to acknowledge some of the good from my childhood, instead of just regurgitating all of the hate that was shoved down my throat. I think it's called "forgiveness". And maybe even "maturity".
Amaelija wrote..http://amaelija.wordpress.com/2008/12/04/why-i-no-longer-laugh/" rel="nofollow">Why I No Longer Laugh…
Oh honey. Beautiful. I am so happy that you had that moment and you're able to hold on and cherish it.
I could see her fingers and guitar and hear that song on the breeze just through your words.
Thank you for sharing this darlin'.
Rachel wrote..http://asouthernfairytale.com/2008/12/04/the-christmafication-of-the-fairytale-household/" rel="nofollow">The Christmafication of the Fairytale Household
You just made my day a bit better. I love my cobwebs (sometimes). They're ugly and messy and reminders of things I don't want to remember. But when I have the courage to face them, they actually make me a better person. I like to think, anyway.
Goldfish wrote..http://onthreekids.blogspot.com/2008/12/taking-stock.html" rel="nofollow">Taking stock
beautiful post. lyrics o dust in the wind are great. hell, most of kansas is pretty good. again, fantastic post. inspirational.
justsomethoughts wrote..http://notasangry.blogspot.com/2008/12/back-to-song-thing.html" rel="nofollow">back to the song thing
If magic could be written this would be it.
Thank you for this honest and beautiful post.
Just think of all the wonderful memories you are creating for your children to look back on. Someday they will be driving along in their car and a song will come on the radio and they will smile at a beautiful memory they share with you.
Kat wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/SeekingSanity/~3/474627716/meet-your-new-mom.html" rel="nofollow">Meet Your New Mom
Oh man, you know I'm in tears over here, right?
I really believe that we truly do make our own happiness, but you REALLY have to work at it and honestly, so far in my life, I've sucked at it. I fully realize that a lot of what makes me unhappy doesn't have to. I'm working on it, too. I'm working on finding the joy and inspiration in things, instead of focusing on what's wrong in my life and in the world.
Beautiful post, Mr. Lady.
Natalie wrote..http://www.startingfromhere.com/2008/12/o-tannenbaum/" rel="nofollow">O Tannenbaum
You? Awesome. Me? speechless. {applause}
MomBabe wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/thebinghamdiaries/EBnH/~3/468873883/shameless.html" rel="nofollow">Shameless
I am absolutely moved and impressed by this. And, judging by the comments here so far, you are certainly not alone. My guess is that, through this post and through your own actions, which are good hearted and amazing by their own right, you have bestowed that same feeling you find in yourself onto others as well and they, too, will keep flying. Just a guess.
matt wrote..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/12/03/is-this-a-post-or-an-ad/" rel="nofollow">Is This A Post Or An Ad?!
You have no idea how much I needed to read this today or all days.
Wonderful post Shannon.. wonderful.
Kim wrote..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/12/5/santas-got-my-digits.html" rel="nofollow">Santa's Got My Digits
Beautiful. You're an incredible writer and I hope I can embody that same spirit this year.
Darcie wrote..http://cavedweller1019.blogspot.com/2008/12/my-weekly-writing-assignment.html" rel="nofollow">My Weekly Writing Assignment
this was a beautiful and moving post...it struck me in a way that made me reflect on my own battles with my self and depression...have a wonderful holiday with your family and forget about the rest....and yes there is good in the world we just have to keep believing...
apathetic bliss wrote..http://apatheticbliss.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-i-like-about-holiday-season.html" rel="nofollow">What I like about the holiday season...
That's a mighty amazing thing you're allowing yourself to do and be. It's not as easy as some people think it is to just be happy.
Glad your wings are full. :-)
Sarcastic Mom wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/sarcasticmomdotcom/~3/475403603/" rel="nofollow">Car tantrums - the gift that keeps giving.
Um...yeah. Could you ease up on the stellar writing so the rest of us don't look like schmucks. Thanks.
Momo Fali wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Momo-Fali/~3/474596556/he-gets-a-in-art.html" rel="nofollow">He Gets an A+ in Art
I love it!!
I needed to hear this today. The timing is always perfect, right?
Miss Ash wrote..http://www.perilouslyprecocious.com/six-words/" rel="nofollow">Six Words
Letting go of hate, if only for a minute, and embracing that love you hold in your heart, THAT is what living in the moment is all about. THAT is being connected to yourself. Beautiful.
kd@abitsquirrelly wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ABitSquirrelly/~3/475835886/there-is-just-no-place-like-home.html" rel="nofollow">There is just no place like home.
beautiful.
so beautifully written.
a perfect friday post to read at the end of this week i've had.
i don't think i need to read anything else today.
thanks.
lee wrote..http://momswithoutblogs.blogspot.com/2008/12/fragments-from-funeral.html" rel="nofollow">Fragments from a Funeral
Aw Mr Lady, come here....(HUGSSS!!). What a gift. Now hang on to that, tightly, and don't let go. Wallow around in it, soak it up, until you're covered and you can't get rid of it. Ok?
Hearing of someone's happiness makes ME happy. :) See? You're contagious!
Kate wrote..http://katescrazylife.blogspot.com/2008/12/murphys-law.html" rel="nofollow">Murphy's Law
And THAT, ladies and gents, is the post she will be reading at BlogHer 09.
...er, so says my crystal ball.
Marge wrote..http://wheremytruthlives.wordpress.com/2008/12/05/multiple-choice/" rel="nofollow">Multiple Choice
Those kids of yours will help you fly if you let them. They are the best thing to happen to people with broken wings. Let them left you up with their beauty and love. Once you are flying the trip with them is so amazing. Enjoy your Holidays the way you now know you can.
Also I hate crying at work, but it happens all the time when I read you. um... thanks for the tears.
Daisy wrote..http://totallytattoedmama.blogspot.com/2008/12/thirsty-thursday.html" rel="nofollow">Thirsty Thursday
Today I found your beautiful post. How I needed to read this today, best of all days and not sink into sorrow, today i am seeking happiness. Thank you!
Wow. Thanks for helping me out today. I was on the verge of letting my own social anxiety and fear of awkwardness and unpleasantness keep me from seeing if I have it in me to do something nice for strangers. I'm going to try to stop anticipating the worst and stay open to the best.
And I just watched the end of L.A. Confidential, which ended with "Accentuate the Positive" playing.
I, Rodius wrote..http://www.irodius.com/2008/12/do-people-do-this-kind-of-thing.html" rel="nofollow">Do People Do This Kind of Thing?
Charmed...I like the way you used that word to describe it all...
Ashley wrote..http://www.bosssanders.com/2008/12/05/fille-stupide-part-2/" rel="nofollow">fille stupide (part 2)
hey girl. haven't been here in a while. but i'm glad i stopped by today. this is an awesome post and very inspirational. :) i'm glad that you shared this and most of all i'm glad you are happy... and flying. it must be amazing. :)
beautiful post. beautiful writing. beautiful feelings.
happy Holidays.
xxoxoxoxoxx
jenn wrote..http://1boy2girls.blogspot.com/2008/12/tgif.html" rel="nofollow">TGIF
So far every post I have read this morning has provided me with inspiration and a shit load of tears. I feel like you were writing this to me, for me, and I really, really needed this. You are the bomb.
Kori wrote..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/12/email.html" rel="nofollow">The Email I Actually Sent
"Welcome to the desert of the real."
Yeah, I loved it when mom played that too...
I seriously love you.
maggie, dammit wrote..http://okayfinedammit.com/?p=2707" rel="nofollow">This post will self-destruct in 30 mins (This one is only for the Feed Readers)
Amazing post! Love it. And congrats on achieving that state of mind...what a gift. :)
outside voice wrote..http://outsidevoice.wordpress.com/2008/12/04/roosings/" rel="nofollow">must be one of those modernized versions
I completely love and respect you, my friend. I thank God you were thrust into my life and with our friendship I know that we are never alone.
<3
SECRET AGENT MAMA wrote..http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SecretAgentMama/~3/fzg8iZTWKMw/" rel="nofollow">The Ice Must Melt
i love you.
the planet of janet wrote..http://www.fromtheplanetofjanet.com/2008/12/haiku-friday-scent-of-woman-edition.html" rel="nofollow">Haiku Friday: the scent of a woman edition
Wow. This makes me acutely aware that you have a whole bit entire story that I know nothing about.
I can't decide if I want to learn it as I go, or find a cliff notes version and get it all in at once.
But I'm definitely interested in learning it.
Miss Britt wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MissBritt/~3/473253424/" rel="nofollow">Because Edward Cullen Would Kick Nintendo’s Ass In A Fight
Girl this is amazing and beautiful! I needed this today! Thanks and I hope you get to ride this feeling out forever! :)
Your writing is amazing. You have such a way of pulling the reader right into your story as if we were walking through your hallways with you.
Darla wrote..http://dmmos.blogspot.com/2008/12/invisible-mother.html" rel="nofollow">Invisible Mother
Beautiful.....I have been reading your blog for about 3 months or so now...LOVE IT! I think mostly b/c I can relate to you. Plus, I think you might just be right. I don't think any of us are really alone. I took up snowshoeing, and snowboarding for years to fight the demons...then I became prego on our honeymoon. My peanut was born in the fridged end of february. Then life set in....new baby, lil one, 2 fulltime jobs, my hubby worked one..(now realizes he was a loser for making me work 2 jobs with a 3 m old at home) :( I did nothing for two winters....
I regained my strength this summer, but something was missing. Then I stubbled apoun your blog. Freakin' Fantastic!!!! b/c of your humor, and way to communicate to people...I have learned much. This weeks blogs we awsome. b/c of you I have realized xmas isn't about "buying love"....its just love. Big or small. Thank You for the inspiration, and Rock On'!
Damn good think this lump is in my throat and not in my fingers because otherwise I'd be typing this:
O <ic2 upy
instead of:
I love you.
Ree wrote..http://hotfessional.com/2008/12/04/grace-in-small-things-3365/" rel="nofollow">Grace in Small Things: 3/365
I will come out of lurking only when it's necessary........And this is one of those times.
You have experienced Forgiveness. It's an incredible feeling. It's one of the heaviest weights imaginable. I know it well. To be able to feel free from that is awesome. Congrats. (You’re growing up..) It’s a hard thing to do.
Your Lurking Friend,
Steph
You are such an inspiration MrLady. On so many levels.
And you make me smile, for so many reasons.
Tammy wrote..http://thopgood-mylife.blogspot.com/2008/11/smurfland-lowdown.html" rel="nofollow">Smurfland Lowdown
What a beautiful post on the power of hope and possibly forgiveness...Thank you!!!
I don't know how you do it. I rarely cry, but you get to me and often. You have such a gift and your so raw with your emotions and often I feel like I'm there. Your constantly evolving and changing my friend.
One Mom's Opinion wrote..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/11/take-testcivics-quiz.html" rel="nofollow">Take the test...Civics Quiz