Which Do You Want First?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008 at 1:26AM | Mr Lady The good news: I'm clearly doing something right.
This is my daughter's plant. I bought that and killed that for her over the summer. She loves it. She waters it and talks to it and moves it around the house to make sure it gets maximum sunlight.
The other day, when I was douching the living room, I tossed it in the trash when she wasn't looking. About an hour later, she comes to me with the pot in one hand, the plant in the other, shmuck all over the front of her from digging through the trash, and with big, green eyes began the following conversation:
"Momma, what you DO?" Honey, I threw that in the trash. It's dead, baby.
"Momma, you say you sorry me." Um, sorry?
"What you sorry for, momma?" *taps toe on floor* I'm sorry I threw your plant in the trash, baby.
"Dat's okay momma. You fix it."
So, yeah, I wiped the old coffee grounds and yucky trash off of the plant, dug a little hole in the soil, crammed the old, broken off, dead as a doorknob plant into that hole, and put her plant back up with the others.
The point? Though my child has never actually uttered I'm and Sorry in the same sentence, she clearly gets the concept. Score one for me.
The bad news: That may be the only thing I've done right.
We're parking at the mall the other night, on our way to IHop and then to do some shopping, and as I park the car the kids have hit the peak of their messing with each other in the backseat. The boys are screaming Stop Touching Me and AAAAAAHHHH and 3of3 pipes in, "You shut you fucking you moufs!"
Me: Um, what?
1of3: *snort*
2of3: Did you HEAR that, mom?
3of3: You shut you fucking you MOUF, 2of3!
Me: WHERE DID SHE HEAR THAT?
1of3: You?
2of3: Mom, that's not all. She calls Niblow "That EFFING Gerbil", too.
Me: *sinks into deep whole and dies* *gets kids out of car*
3of3: Fucking gerbil! Fucking gerbil! Fucking gerbil!
(How many Richard Gere hits do you think I'll get? Bets happily accepted)
I swear with God as my witness, I have never ever told her to shut her fucking mouth. Never. EVER. Still, I am SO TOTALLY HOSED OVER HERE. Unless my kid is going to grow up to be a longshoreman, I need to fix this. Immediately. So I've started saying beautiful every time I think I might want to say f'ing. Which? Is really hilarious in application. And it's working so far.
And I'm not sure if it was just that one day or forever, but there's a good chance we are banned from IHop for the rest of ours lives.
Reader Comments (80)
Mr. Lady? This is probably the funniest thing I have read in the last 12 months. Really.
Its beautiful beautiful.
matt wrote..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/12/05/you-know-there-oughtta-be-a-word-for/" rel="nofollow">You Know, There Oughta Be A Word For…
Thanks for helping me clear my sinuses. I'm going to say 398,489,499 Richard Gere hits. 97.4% of them from vacuum cleaner hose salesmen. The rest of them sell duct tape or lightbulbs.
NukeDad wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Nuclearfamilywarheadcom/~3/479257190/" rel="nofollow">Billion Dollar Baby Bills
That there is some classic bad news. Funny, and horrifying. Sounds like you thouhgt of a good fix, if you can stick to it. Really, how do you get mad at your kids for doing something they learned from you? Thats reminds me of that time I was hitting the crack pi.....and then I caught my son hitting the crack pi...well, you get the idea. Whats a guy/gal to do?
Surfer Jay wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/IHaveToWipeHisWhat/~3/479288920/dont-you-dare.html" rel="nofollow">Don’t you dare!
I just thought of all of these contexts that beautiful might not fit. And then, I snorted hummus right out of my nose.
Zoeyjane wrote..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/12/09/on-kinky-and-straight/" rel="nofollow">On Kinky and Straight
You know this is beautifully hilarious RIGHT?
Miss wrote..http://justmiss.wordpress.com/2008/12/09/im-in-love/" rel="nofollow">I’m in love
I adore the plant story. If it helps, my four-year-old said "f-ing" something-or-other to my mother over Thanksgiving. I pretended I couldn't understand him. God knows she didn't get it.
Goldfish wrote..http://onthreekids.blogspot.com/2008/12/day-i-turned-one-by-caleb.html" rel="nofollow">The Day I Turned One. By Caleb.
LOL. My daughter once asked me why Daddy hits me sometimes (He would NEVER hit me)! This was just weeks before she was to start school. Sometimes all you can do is shake your head and pray to the sweet baby Jesus they don't repeat that shit!
Shannon wrote..http://www.livinginthegray.com/2008/12/07/its-hard-to-get-good-help-around-here/" rel="nofollow">It’s hard to get good help around here.
I haven't laughed that hard in quite some time!
Honeybell wrote..http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/blogspot/girS/~3/I6ychNwHv8Y/and-then-my-nurses-heart-wept.html" rel="nofollow">And Then, My Nurse's Heart Wept
Hell, you're ahead of me. When my daughter does something wrong and I chastise her for it, she turns back to me (WITHOUT having apologized) and says, "Daddy, you made me feel sad when you told me I did something wrong. You have to say 'Sorry' for making me sad."
(Either that, or perhaps my wife is just training her early that it's always the man's fault... hey... maybe I'm on to something...)
I said fucking in front of Hippie last night for the first time ever which is pretty good since she's thirteen. I was really embarrassed.
I do say freakin' a lot which Yankee (being from Jersey) thinks is inappropriate to say in front of the children (they're 16 & 13). I'm from Mississippi, and it doesn't seem like a big deal to me.
My Name is Cat wrote..http://mynameiscat.blogspot.com/2008/12/facebook-good-bad-and-ugly.html" rel="nofollow">Facebook -- the Good, Bad and Ugly
Laughing my beautiful ass off over here.
At least she's expanding her vocabulary! :) hehe
~K
Kel wrote..http://www.cafekel.com/2008/12/262-lessons.html" rel="nofollow">26.2 Lessons
Hahahahahahahahahahaha, sorry but kiddie swearing is hilarious to me. Until mine do it so ummm, stay away from my kids! ;)
LMAO here too! Out of the mouth's of babes! :)
Kay wrote..http://specialk513.blogspot.com/2008/12/neurosis-anyone.html" rel="nofollow">Neurosis anyone?
That is beautiful hilarious ;-) Seriously because I could totally see that happening over here because they really do pick up the strangest things :-)
ha ha ha ha! Love the sorry plant, that's too sweet. Your kid, dude, you're in trouble ;-)
Rachel wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/FromTheLandOfMonkeysAndPrincessesASouthernFairytale/~3/478496675/" rel="nofollow">Easy Taco Soup
Thank you for my morning laugh!
That Effing gerbil! You so have your hands full with that one.
456,870 Richard Gere hits.
Josie wrote..http://snowflake37.wordpress.com/2008/12/09/love-and-not-so-much-lists/" rel="nofollow">Love and not so much lists
I love the idea of substituting the word beautiful for a cuse word. I was just thinking the other night, when I exploded in some of those no-no words when woken up for the millionth time, that if I didn't find a way to clean out my mouth, I'd have a house full of sailors. It makes me giggle to imagine myself mumbling, *Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful* over and over again in the middle of the night while stumbling across the hall to take care of a screaming kid.
I like the honesty of your blog, I really enjoy reading it.
RiahLi wrote..http://riahli.blogspot.com/2008/12/my-first-baby.html" rel="nofollow">My first baby...
Oh. My. Gosh. I'm sorry but that is just so "beautiful" funny!!!! And it's amazing how kids can use cuss words so appropriately, isn't it? My daugher used to say, "damnit" when she dropped or spilled something when she was about 3 and it was hard to put a stop to that, but I THINK she doesn't cuss anymore, at the ripe 'ole age of 5. Now she says, "That p words me off, mom" and she will argue that she isn't saying a bad word, and I argue that it's STILL not appropriate, and on and on we go.
Oh man! I'm crying over here from laughing at you, er, I mean, with you. I have managed to get pretty creative with my cuss word substitutions. When I feel the urge to say shit, I go with "Sugar Smacks"! I'm throwing out a lot of "For the love of Pete" these days too. Not quite as satisfying, but it keeps my kid's mouth clean... so far. I am spending a lot more time with the boys these days, so who knows what kind of influence I'll have on them...
Jill wrote..http://charmingdelightful.blogspot.com/2008/12/once-upon-time.html" rel="nofollow">Once upon a time...
That's ok, mama. When The Boy was about 2, he had a heebie-jeebie tantrum in the grocery store. I left the cart and took him out to the car. He was just crying a little by the time we got there and I was ready to take him back in when he suddenly began screaming, "I don't WANT my ass beat! I don't WANT my ass beat!"
Yeah, to that point in his life he'd never known the business end of my hand. I'll never forget the looks from the elderly couple getting into the car next to us.
Natalie wrote..http://boingerhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/santa-knows-all-sees-all.html" rel="nofollow">santa knows all, sees all
Sorry, but you GOTTA get that in a vlog.
Will Ferrel made a heeelarious vid from a cussing kid - you can too.
I'm with Shannon - I'm always hoping my 6-year-old doesn't repeat crap when she goes over to that Catholic school where she's currently enrolled (until she gets kicked out for all kinds of things she hears and sees in our home.)
My girls always are saying "freakin'" or "friggin" this and that and pretty soon they'll start saying "effing." I'm afraid that "effing" seems like it's own new word.
I gonna substitute too - I'm gonna try "brilliant" 'cause I've been liking that word lately...
thanks for the suggestion.
Lee the MWOB Queen wrote..http://momswithoutblogs.blogspot.com/2008/12/picture-worth-thousand-words-and-im.html" rel="nofollow">A Picture Worth A Thousand Words - and I'm afraid.
I cuss. A lot. One day, I stubbed my toe and started off with, "Son of a..." and I trailed off. Beth pipes up and says, "Bitch!"
Also, if something she's doing goes awry, she'll say, "Oh jesus." or "Oh damns!"
Darcie wrote..http://cavedweller1019.blogspot.com/2008/12/two-please.html" rel="nofollow">Two, Please.
Can I take your kid with me to work? I have a presentation next week and I want to use her.
DC Urban Dad wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/typepad/mattnando/dcurbandad/~3/479163157/big-hairy-holiday-fitness-challenge-week-1.html" rel="nofollow">Big Hairy Holiday Fitness Challenge Leaderboard Week 1
Buy the kid a [beautiful] new plant already. I think there may be hope for her green thumb yet.
Marge wrote..http://wheremytruthlives.wordpress.com/2008/12/09/eureka/" rel="nofollow">Eureka!
Ah, the creative swearing. Yes, I'm familiar. My new favorite phrase goes something like this..."If you kids don't knock it off, I swear I'm gonna lose my shit shoes!"
Kate wrote..http://katescrazylife.blogspot.com/2008/12/so-despite-all-my-hand-wringing-and.html" rel="nofollow">Making Progress
ok, so that didn't work...
"...I'm gonna lose my shoes!"
Kate wrote..http://katescrazylife.blogspot.com/2008/12/so-despite-all-my-hand-wringing-and.html" rel="nofollow">Making Progress
Dooood!! You're in trouble!!!! LOL!!!
Well, let me shut up because my kid curses like a sailor and so do I (not in front of him though and this is the God's hinest truth) but yet he has found a way to learn the colorful words of our language and I have found myself red in the face at the school meetings.
Krystal wrote..http://mommysescape6.wordpress.com/2008/12/09/fuming-mad/" rel="nofollow">Fuming mad!
That's beautiful awesome! I'm going to have to try it, because I have been saying beautiful a lot lately, and not just when I have been drinking, which used to be my silent rule to myself, on when I was allowed to say beautiful.....
abunslife wrote..http://bunslife.blogspot.com/2008/12/ww-six-reasons-why.html" rel="nofollow">WW-Six Reasons Why....
That just made my morning...no wait, my week. I laughed so hard I almost sprayed coffee all over my desk. Thanks for helping make cube-land a little less boring.
Holy shit! I totally need to do that word substitution thing! Not only will it prevent my 2YO from talking like me, it will serve to confuse those around me and amuse myself.
heather wrote..http://findingatman.com/2008/12/09/martinis-make-it-better/" rel="nofollow">martinis make it better
i used to say i have a very sweet mouth. i would say sugar and fudge, whenever i was around adults, church people, etc. it was cool because i this switch that i could just turn on and off, and i never cussed in front of somebody who would be offended. then i went into the army and that candy maker switch got broke. i still remember the first time i yelled FUCK in front of my mom as an adult. her eyes got big, my eyes got big, then my face got red, and i was all, well...see how mad you made me? stop (doing whatever it was she was doing to p-word me off) :)
nonna wrote..http://nonnasnonsense.blogspot.com/2008/12/new-to-me-blogger-to-check-out.html" rel="nofollow">new (to me) blogger to check out
Well, now I have to clean the coffee off the wall. That's just...brilliant (hey, I like that one)
Yeah, you're screwed. Me too.
I actually stopped myself the other day and said "sonofa...beeeep" (couldn't think of any other words in that moment) My four year old looked over and me and calmly said "It's bitch, mama. Son-of-a-bitch." and went back to his game. Busted.
I have to admit, the thought of that angelic little face scolding you and saying those words still has me laughing...
Thanks
not too sticky wrote..http://www.nottoosticky.com/2008/12/tagged.html" rel="nofollow">Tagged!
She got the context right. Kudos. I was both pleased and mortified when Audrey used damnit properly. She was under 2!
Catherine wrote..http://pinkasparag.us/2008/12/web-20-in-a-family-crisis/" rel="nofollow">Web 2.0 in a Family Crisis
That's too funny. Our son has a mouth like a fucking sailor too. I wonder where he learned it?
VegasDad wrote..http://ivegasfamily.blogspot.com/2008/12/looking-ahead.html" rel="nofollow">looking ahead
Too funny! Mine have never dropped the f-bomb (which is a miracle given my mouth), but my youngest has suddenly decided that "pissed off" is her new favorite thing to say.
Gina wrote..http://myverylastnerve.blogspot.com/2008/12/christmas-music.html" rel="nofollow">Christmas Music
3of3 is a cool dude.
Xbox4NappyRash wrote..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/12/insert-witty-and-moving-title-here.html" rel="nofollow">Insert witty and moving title here
My son recently told a kid that he is not just stupid, he is fucking stupid. I guess that he wasn't sleeping in the backseat after all. Ouch.
Jack wrote..http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-if-beatles-were-irish.html" rel="nofollow">What if The Beatles Were Irish
I bet 3,372.
You're beautiful doomed. It's fun to say.
Ree wrote..http://hotfessional.com/2008/12/09/the-time-i-almost/" rel="nofollow">The Time I Almost…
Laughing out loud! Reminds me of a country song, "Love You"...among the lyrics, "Love you, love this town; Love this mother-lovin' truck that keeps breakin' lovin' down. There's only one four-letter word that'll do: Love you"
Hysterical, only because it is happening to someone else. ;)
Darla wrote..http://dmmos.blogspot.com/2008/12/invisible-mother.html" rel="nofollow">Invisible Mother
We were banned from Trader Joes for my Sampson (20 Months) screaming the F-enheimer and no one believed me that he was saying TRUCK! Which, of course, he wasn't. But they could have believed me anyways. He also has been telling me of late that "der is a monter, wight der, gonna kill me" Where he learned the idea of kill I have no idea. Killing is pretty much frowned upon in our family. Well, my immediate family, maybe not the extended family...
Good times with the kids....BEAUTIFUL!
Gabbi
Gabbi wrote..http://inspiteofmycrazyself.blogspot.com/2008/12/new-category-kids-are-funny.html" rel="nofollow">New Category: Kids are funny
Getting barred from the fucking IHOP is a rite of passage in my books.
Bwahahaha...that's too funny. Because...you know...not my kids...
Jim wrote..http://h31n0us.blogspot.com/2008/12/ahhmy-eyes.html" rel="nofollow">Ahh...my eyes
Howling with laughter here. And you are SO 'beautifully' in for it with 3of3!!
Diane wrote..http://dianesaddledramblings.blogspot.com/2008/12/i-gotta-p.html" rel="nofollow">I Gotta P...
hilarious.
my daughter once said, "how am i supposed to think with all this (insert: beautiful) crap laying around here?"
hmmm. wonder who she heard that from?
jen wrote..http://coconutbelly.blogspot.com/2008/12/sign-of-true-friend.html" rel="nofollow">sign of a true friend.
Love it. This is awesome.
ZDub wrote..http://zakaryw.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-do-your-parents-do.html" rel="nofollow">What Do Your Parents Do?
funniest.beautiful.thing.ever. i wouldn't be surprised if *beautiful* is my child's first word but I don't imagine it's actually as hilarious when it happens as I currently think it would be!
the fact that she calls niblow the "effing gerbil" is even better. someone in your house must really hate that thing!
Missouri Musins wrote..http://amusinmusins.blogspot.com/2008/12/booze-technology-bad-news-bears.html" rel="nofollow">Booze + Technology = BAD NEWS BEARS
I laughed so hard at that post. Not at your situation, but bc, well ...ok at your dilemma, situation. been there done that, hello. and yes my kids did learn it from me! i never used curse words until life threw me for a curve and i guess it's better than taking up smoking right....
That was beautiful-ing hillarious! I can't wait till my kid can talk...or maybe I can. :D
Jared wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/dadthingcom/~3/478862960/" rel="nofollow">The Newest Family Member