13 Things I wish I knew

One day, you might find yourself pregnant with a boy. Or maybe, one day some time ago, you may have found yourself pregnant with a boy and today you find yourself parenting a boy. They will tell you a lot of things about boys. They will tell you how to keep a wanker clean, they will tell you about puberty, and damp sheets, and football. There are things they will not tell you, though, and these are the things you need to know. There are classes that should be mandatory for every parent of a boy to take so that they will be adequately prepared. Here are a few I recommend.

  1. Mathematics. Get a degree. They couldn't make fourth grade math more confusing right now if they tried to.

  2. EMT Training. Because brother two is bound to slam brother one's hand in the car door at some point. Or boy one will try his hand at flight. And fail. Boys try things, and most of those things end in broken bones.

  3. Chemistry. Trust me on this one.

  4. Genealogy. Because one day, your kid is going to come home from school asking about his heritage, and take it from me, American is not a sufficient answer. And Big Macs do not count as artifacts from your culture.

  5. English Doctorate. One day, your son is going to find out about Mad Libs. And when you sit down to do them, with the Old School glimmer in your eye, and your almost 10 year old cannot define a VERB, you know you've got some work to do. (PS: An Adverb* is an adjective ending in LY. You know, in case they ask)

  6. Engineering. There are so many reasons every parent needs a degree in engineering, I couldn't even begin to list them.

  7. Video Game Design. "Mom, why can't I get Zelda to go into the Cave of Perpetual Blingy Noises?" "Mom, Mario won't jump over the mushroom; he keeps eating them!" "Maaaawwwm!" Learn your games, parents. Learn them well. Or be ready for grey hairs to start popping up.

  8. Seamstress. Because the more expensive the jeans, the bigger the hole in the knee.

  9. Historian. Forget "Where did babies come from?" Try, "Where did Golf come from?" At least you know where babies came from.

  10. Banker. Lest your child's entire allowance be spent in 5 minutes at the corner store on Jawbreakers.

  11. Nutritionist. It is much easier to get a kid to eat carrots if you tell him WHY he should eat the carrots.

  12. Carpenter. If for nothing else, to build the splint to heal the broken bones. See #2.

  13. Athlete. Boys play sports. Period. You can't fight it. And if you don't know the rules, and you let them make up their own, be prepared for war.

See other Thursday Thirteens right here.
*An adverb is actually more than that, but in the context of 7 year olds, that description will do just fine.