Their bones are soft. They bounce.

Today, I present for your reading pleasure, thirteen of the 5,671 injuries my children have sustained over the past 10 years and my corresponding reaction, on a scale of 1-10, one being, "Eh." and 10 being, "Ouch, my head just exploded."

1. Faceplant at pool on concrete. Cracks concrete, cracks kid. Reaction? 3. Popsicles makes everything better.

2. Attempt to channel Buzz Lightyear. Rips half face off. Reaction? 2. It was really funny. You had to be there.

3. Golf club to head. By brother. Reaction? 1. Time outs for everyone!

4. Baby tumbles down 6 concrete steps. Readjusts, makes another tumble down 6 MORE concrete steps. While dad was, um, err...busy. Making a morning deposit, you know? Reaction? 2. I was a work. It was too good to not laugh at.

5. Retaliatory baseball bat to head. You know, for the golf club. SIX MONTHS LATER. Reaction? -2. That shit was hilarious.

6. 2 year old gets tossed about 8 feet in the air by neighbor and then failed in every way to get CAUGHT by said neighbor. Concussion, hematoma ensued. Reaction? 6. Total freak out, no hospital. And still went to work that night.

7. Fall from playground at stupid restaurant. Total concussion. Awful concussion. Reaction? 2. Until an hour later, at a movie, when I had to catch 15 tons of vomit shooting out of that kid right when ET started talking. Then the reaction? Like, 10. I. Caught. Vomit. Hey, it was our first concussion. I had no idea what they were.

8. Captain Asthma! spends a week in the fancy wing of Children's Hospital due to absolute failure to do anything resembling breathing. Reaction? 8. A totally appropriate 8.

9. First kid born with crooked urethra. Reaction? 10. Meltdown 10. The world just ended 10. Appropriate reaction? Um, 0.

10. Kid biffs it on bike. Blood everywhere. Rocks embedded in skin. Reaction? 1. Starts in with the 'You know, when I was a kid we just had to pee on it' or some shit. Stops self. Upps reaction to 2.

11. Baby gets croup. Third baby gets croup. Third baby after 6 smaller siblings gets croup. Third baby after 6 smaller siblings and after reading Anne of Green Gables 15 bazillion times gets croup. Reaction? 14. $3,000 and one night in the ER later, lesson learned.

12. Kid slices finger open on Christmas day with brand new cub scouts pocket knife. Reaction? 1. Wipes knife off, hands it back. Soaks shirt drenched in blood, gets back to the cookies.

13. Toddler gets mowed down at gymnastics by another toddler in a swing. Eyes roll back in head. No cries, no nothing. Instantly falls asleep. Stays asleep for almost an hour, while being poked and tickled. Reaction? 50.

I have never been so freaked out by anything in my whole life. The nurse in the ER kept coming and asking me if I was ok. This was, hands down, our worst injury thus far. She was not right. And this was, hands down, my most inappropriate reaction to any of the injuries. Funny thing is, she was totally out until she spied with her little eye a baby playhouse in the corner of the ER waiting room. And then? The kid was Right. As. Rain.

She's fine, and I am recovering nicely, too. She really doesn't want to go to gymnastics anymore, either. So I have that going for me, which is nice.

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