;)
Thursday
Apr172008
Resignation
Thursday, April 17, 2008 at 12:27PM
Those of you who are not on Twitter or Facebook or Cre8Buzz (and really, if you're not on Cre8Buzz, what exactly are you waiting for?) may not know that I got suckered into stepped up to the plate for my kid and volunteered to coach his Little League team.
There are just a few issues with this.
I hate other people's kids. Not all of them, mind you, but for the most part, people's kids are shitheads. Two of the boys on the team hate me. Well, women. They hate women. How do I know? When I pull them in to talk to them about respect, and how they talk to me, they say, "Um, where's our real coach?" Really? I am, dude. "No, you're the team MOM." No you little fucking cocksucker, I am the COACH. And I will sit your ass out in a motherfucking heartbeat if you roll your little womanizing eyes at me one more time. I Double Dog Dare you to try me on this one.
I hate other kids parents. What do the jerk-off dads of the asshole kids do through this whole thing? Stand there. Giggling. It's going to be a long season.
I have played exactly ZERO baseball games in my whole life. This gives me the slightest little handicap in the whole "teaching other people" department. Fortunately, I am a fast study. And they gave me a handbook.
I can't throw a ball for shit.
I am not quite strong enough to properly lock the equipment shed, which is 15,765 years old and made of lead and the eenciest bit warped. My angle for this? Get there early, earlier than ANYONE, and unlock it, set up my field, and play dumb blond when the other coach says, "But we're the home team. We're supposed to set up." Ooooo, I didn't know! Oopsie. (This is where the boobie shirt really pays off)
Me? In a Baseball cap? Like Britney without any makeup on. Like Jack Nicholson in the morning. Like the kid from Mask. Not. Cool.
I have three kids. One of which is two. Only one of which is on the team. Baby wearin' is frowned upon in the middle of a baseball field during play.
Did I mention that I've never played baseball before?
I have the tiniest little potty mouth problem. Just sayin'.
Since I am a girl, the moms of the kids on the team think it's totally okay to come up to me and ask about the baby, and tell me how proud they are of their son, and how though all the rest of the kids are total shits, well, see how good my boy is being and aren't I a great parent and my isn't that a low-cut top you have on and do you knit because I just got this new pattern and shut the hell up, woman. I'm busy over here.
I have a nasally voice. I can't help it; I was born that way and you try living in Philadelphia during your formative years. It's not exactly the hottest of accents. Point is, I don't exactly command attention. Maybe I should go for the Fran Drescher thing. NO ONE can ignore that evilness.
Really, I've only ever even once watched a baseball game start to finish, and I am pretty sure I was fairly intoxicated and quite possibly making out with someone through most of it.
And the biggest problem of all? The real kicker? I am, and please don't repeat this, I am kind of liking it. As in, enjoying it. Shitty kids aside (I have awesome stink-eye; that'll be nipped in the bud) it's kind of, well, err, um, fun?
Someone get me Chrysler on the phone. It appears I'll be needing that minivan after all.
See all the Thursday Thirteens here.
There are just a few issues with this.
I hate other people's kids. Not all of them, mind you, but for the most part, people's kids are shitheads. Two of the boys on the team hate me. Well, women. They hate women. How do I know? When I pull them in to talk to them about respect, and how they talk to me, they say, "Um, where's our real coach?" Really? I am, dude. "No, you're the team MOM." No you little fucking cocksucker, I am the COACH. And I will sit your ass out in a motherfucking heartbeat if you roll your little womanizing eyes at me one more time. I Double Dog Dare you to try me on this one.
I hate other kids parents. What do the jerk-off dads of the asshole kids do through this whole thing? Stand there. Giggling. It's going to be a long season.
I have played exactly ZERO baseball games in my whole life. This gives me the slightest little handicap in the whole "teaching other people" department. Fortunately, I am a fast study. And they gave me a handbook.
I can't throw a ball for shit.
I am not quite strong enough to properly lock the equipment shed, which is 15,765 years old and made of lead and the eenciest bit warped. My angle for this? Get there early, earlier than ANYONE, and unlock it, set up my field, and play dumb blond when the other coach says, "But we're the home team. We're supposed to set up." Ooooo, I didn't know! Oopsie. (This is where the boobie shirt really pays off)
Me? In a Baseball cap? Like Britney without any makeup on. Like Jack Nicholson in the morning. Like the kid from Mask. Not. Cool.
I have three kids. One of which is two. Only one of which is on the team. Baby wearin' is frowned upon in the middle of a baseball field during play.
Did I mention that I've never played baseball before?
I have the tiniest little potty mouth problem. Just sayin'.
Since I am a girl, the moms of the kids on the team think it's totally okay to come up to me and ask about the baby, and tell me how proud they are of their son, and how though all the rest of the kids are total shits, well, see how good my boy is being and aren't I a great parent and my isn't that a low-cut top you have on and do you knit because I just got this new pattern and shut the hell up, woman. I'm busy over here.
I have a nasally voice. I can't help it; I was born that way and you try living in Philadelphia during your formative years. It's not exactly the hottest of accents. Point is, I don't exactly command attention. Maybe I should go for the Fran Drescher thing. NO ONE can ignore that evilness.
Really, I've only ever even once watched a baseball game start to finish, and I am pretty sure I was fairly intoxicated and quite possibly making out with someone through most of it.
And the biggest problem of all? The real kicker? I am, and please don't repeat this, I am kind of liking it. As in, enjoying it. Shitty kids aside (I have awesome stink-eye; that'll be nipped in the bud) it's kind of, well, err, um, fun?
Someone get me Chrysler on the phone. It appears I'll be needing that minivan after all.
See all the Thursday Thirteens here.
Reader Comments (50)
You are so funny it kills me. I'm putting you in my reading list and... don't even think of feeling bad. I have a potty mouth too.
Bradie
Hysterical. I remember my days of coaching boys and girls volleyball. Yes, other people's kids do suck and the parents - OMG don't even get me started.
I handed one parent my clipboard and whistle and said, "Um, what time is practice tomorrow coach?"
He never said a word to me after that. - Go figure.
Truth be told, I loved coaching and I miss it, but I'll never admit that to anyone. ;)
Darla's last blog post..http://dmmos.blogspot.com/2008/04/add-it-up.html' rel="nofollow">Add it up...
You are far braver than I. I was asked last night to help with music for VBS. Yeah, big fat no. There will be no Jennifer dealing with other people's children.
Jennifer's last blog post..http://injennifershead.com/?p=126' rel="nofollow">Email from Smith & Wesson
I love other people who use the word cocksucker like it ain't no thing. I could assistant coach. I love baseball but really sucked as a kid playing softball.
Maggie's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MaggiesMind/~3/272249510/thursday-thirteen-41708-13th-edition.html' rel="nofollow">Thursday Thirteen 4/17/08 - 13th Edition
I had to coach boys basketball once. Before I even had any frickin' kids.... And I may have gotten into a fight with another coach.....
MomBabe's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/TheBinghamDiaries/~3/271543173/lets-play-game.html' rel="nofollow">Let's Play a Game
you are K.I.L.L.I.N.G. me.
i wish you could have been z-man's coach way back when. then maybe he wouldn't have run the wrong way on the basepaths!!!
the planet of janet's last blog post..http://fromtheplanetofjanet.blogspot.com/2008/04/mouth-that-roared.html' rel="nofollow">The mouth that roared
My dad coached me when I was a kid and I learned some great lessons. Then I got to sports in junior high and high school and realized that my parents were the uncommon ones. So often, the other parents were yelling at their kids to do better or that they messed up. It drove me crazy to have parents over-pushing their kids and making the game no fun.
Now I hear (from you and others) that the kids are the issue - with their attitudes and all. I don't envy you for your position, but I respect that you'll put several of them in their place!
Nicole's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/SahmRamblings/~3/269438998/which-way-do-your-blinds-turn.html' rel="nofollow">Which Way Do Your Blinds Turn?
I think you missed your calling as a kindergarten teacher.
But I know how you feel. I've spent every Monday night since January teaching 17 1st graders a dance for the school musical next Friday. There have been so many times I wanted to yell at them, but then I would incur the warth of their parents!
Mindi's last blog post..http://mindicherry.wordpress.com/2008/04/17/i-still-have-the-old-one/' rel="nofollow">I still have the old one?.
I must see this in person - we're so coming to a game.
Thanks for liking my kids. They're pretty stoked for tomorrow!
Huckdoll's last blog post..http://huckdoll.blogspot.com/2008/04/seewiously-dope.html' rel="nofollow">Seewiously Dope
This post made me laugh. I wish I could come watch a game. :)
sizzle's last blog post..http://sizzlesays.wordpress.com/2008/04/17/the-birth-of-baby-sizzle/' rel="nofollow">The Birth of Baby Sizzle
I wish you luck!
daysgoby's last blog post..http://jessalogic.blogspot.com/2008/04/at-least-they-dont-harass-children.html' rel="nofollow">at least they don't harass the children
LOL! OMG, I love this post (I'm totally repeating myself; I think I say that about all your posts). I know how you feel...sort of. I don't think I'd sign on to be my kids' sports coach for anything short of $100,000! But I know how you feel about other people's kids and parents...and then when you find yourself getting past that and still having fun. It's how I felt when I was teaching kids theatre.
April's last blog post..http://formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com/2008/04/reader-appreciation-day.html' rel="nofollow">Reader Appreciation Day
Are you fucking crazy? I mean, I am glad oyu are liking it and all, but I swear-and I MEAN this-that if you buy a mini-van? It's over. Here april is becoming soccer mom, you are coaching baseball, and I am SO not jumping on this bandwagon! I love you for having the balls to do it, though, really.
And hey, you could be repeating something I have said a thousnad times when you say you don't like other kids OR their parents (save a selcet few!); I feel the same way! :)
Kori's last blog post..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/04/stop-ride.html' rel="nofollow">Stop the Ride
well, IF we're talking about you becoming a soccer mom, i somehow picture you as more of an austin mini driver.
yes, i totally meant that as a burn.
zoeyjane's last blog post..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/04/16/want-to-hear-me-make-the-most-annoying-sound-in-the-world/' rel="nofollow">Want to Hear Me Make the Most Annoying Sound in the World?
You got balls, man! (pun intended, I guess, but ridiculously cheesy) I can just see the smug, asshole, judgemental dads smirking and giggling, but did their sorry asses volunteer for the job? I SO TOTALLY do not pass any judgement on any coaches/kid volunteers because I just imagine that some day it will be me on the other side.
KEEP BELIEVING
Angie's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/KeepBelieving/~3/272262740/so-i-just-realized-today-is-my.html' rel="nofollow">My blogoversary
Oh no!!! You need leverage. Buy their kindness with snowcones. Or cheesesteaks.
Momo Fali's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Momo-Fali/~3/272315865/please-dont-kill-my-mockingbird.html' rel="nofollow">Please Don't Kill My Mockingbird
Oooh I am sooo not looking forward to Adam's soccer tomorrow.
He sucks at these things. HE just joined because he thought he should and Now I have to watch and participate in the pain.
shit
go scare the dads and moms into submission
Crunchy Carpets's last blog post..http://crunchycarpets.com/archives/400' rel="nofollow">Menstrual Musings
Let me know if you need me...I am a good yeller. Just sayin'.
Ashley Sanders's last blog post..http://www.bosssanders.com/2008/04/16/what-if/' rel="nofollow">WHAT IF????
Yikes.
You need to learn one of those, rub-your-nose, scratch-your-elbow, wink-3-times signals that means, "Shut the freak up you moaning/complaining (insert a-hole here) derfwad."
Just a thought...
Jamie's last blog post..http://choosingmyown.blogspot.com/2008/04/say-hello-to-my-little-friend.html' rel="nofollow">Say Hello To My Little Friend
Can I buy rights to the movie?
BusyDad's last blog post..http://www.busydadblog.com/entries/w8-loss-wednesday-2-the-fury-diet.html' rel="nofollow">W8 Loss Wednesday #2 - The Fury Diet
That was something. I'm in awe how your coaching when you don't even like baseball. Sounds like your on the right path, don't put up with crap from the boys or their dads.
How many games and how often is practice? The dads aren't too busy to watch, but are they willing to help at all?
Your going to have some interesting posts on this one. What do you kids think of their Mom being Coach?
Diane's last blog post..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/04/small-towns.html' rel="nofollow">Small Towns
You Go Girl!
Sue's last blog post..http://ascapecodturns.blogspot.com/2008/04/random-musings.html' rel="nofollow">Random Musings
Please video and youtube.. I have to see you in action..
I can't wait for some more ball blog fodder that should turn out of this..hysterical.
Kim's last blog post..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/4/16/thursday-thirteen-lets-get-personal.html' rel="nofollow">Thursday Thirteen - Lets Get Personal
Can I safely say you made me almost pee my pants? You won't tell anyone, will you?
P.S. I added you to my Twitter :)
Krissi
Krissi's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/krississippi/~3/272570913/' rel="nofollow">Thursday Thirteen - A List of Blogs/Feeds
Good luck coach!!1 You have also touched upon why I can not nor will not have kids. You are a brave and dedicated woman.
And don't you know, Philly girls make the rockin' world go round.
Ricardo's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/unloaded/~3/272476472/just-so-you-all-know.html' rel="nofollow">Just So You All Know....
I know where you're coming from. That's why my About Me says 'I love MY kids, not necessarily anyone else's!'
Once (at a little league baseball game, in fact) another Mother said to me, "I used to the Team Mom thing all the time. Then I finally realized that I hate kids, so I stopped."
It was priceless, I'll never forget it!
cyndy's last blog post..http://luvmydoxies.blogspot.com/2008/04/thursday-thirteen.html' rel="nofollow">Thursday Thirteen
I so love a good stink eye!
You are so cool. Will you be my Mum? LOL.
Or, seriously, you could take over from me. My kids would love you.
I'm never the cool mum.
tiff's last blog post..http://www.mythreeringcircus.com/2008/04/only-in-my-house/' rel="nofollow">Only in my house?
I am weirdly fond of teenagers babies and toddlers, but kids? Not so much.
Loralee's last blog post..http://loraleeslooneytunes.com/2008/04/18/sideblog-blogher-08/' rel="nofollow">Sideblog: BlogHer ?08
Oh you are brave. And what a cool mom.
I would never dare go anywhere with the coaching thing.I don't much like kids other than my own either ;). I'd probably bite off a head or two.
Karen MEG (pomtini)'s last blog post..http://gliks.blogspot.com/2008/04/brotherly-love.html' rel="nofollow">Brotherly Love
Really I think you are over-qualified.
HRH's last blog post..http://junecleavernirvana.blogspot.com/2008/04/i-have-winner.html' rel="nofollow">I have a winner...
WOW! I can truly appreciate a woman who can express herself so eloquently...........you rock! God Bless, Mike.
Ok, so I'm having a REALLY HARD TIME explaining to my three preschool-and-under aged kids why mommy is laughing at the computer screen until tears stream from her eyes.
"Mommy, read it to us! Read it to us!"
"Uh....no."
Nice work. Cocksucker, mother fucking and all.
Oh, and, if you ever catch me considering the coaching gig when my kids become of age...please slap me around a bit, will ya'?
Kimmelin's last blog post..http://kimmelinhull.blogspot.com/2008/04/its-here.html' rel="nofollow">This just might be the best Thursday in my entire life!
All power corrupts... absolute power is kinda neat! The little shits won't know what hit 'em. You go girl, show them whose boss. So do we call you Mr. Coach Lady now?
Tara R.'s last blog post..http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com/2008/04/17/a-white-hair-where/' rel="nofollow">A white hair where?
Most kids really suck, true.
But if you congeal them into a group, they morph into a good/tolerable creation. I think it is an IQ thing.....they are more like herd animals.
You are the wrangler. Work it, baby, work it!
christy's last blog post..http://thesouloneverypath.blogspot.com/2008/04/that-warm-feeling-of-belonging-and.html' rel="nofollow">That warm feeling of brotherhood and urine.....
If I hadn't been 7 months preg. when soccer season started this year I would have def. coached so I could have gotten the chance to make the little shitheads on my son's team behave.
Kudos to you!
P.S. Does a Ford Expedition count cause I think I got the soccer mom stigma going on already.
Ashley's last blog post..http://darlingcompanion.blogspot.com/2008/04/translating-cashese.html' rel="nofollow">Translating Cashese
YOU ROCK! You rock for stepping up, girl. I am proud of you.
And for the record, I hate other people's kids too. Not YOUR kids, for god's sake, what are you thinking!? Just "other people's".
Good luck, Slugger.
Candy's last blog post..http://imnopoodle.wordpress.com/2008/04/18/help-again/' rel="nofollow">Help. Again.
I think you are a total rockstar for taking this on! I LOVE baseball and no way in hell would I coach a team. I would definitely use my feminine wiles to get the hubs to do it though. Just so my baby can bat first! Coaches' kids have all the perks!
amy's last blog post..http://amysbratpack.blogspot.com/2008/04/last-night.html' rel="nofollow">Last Night...
My dad was my coach for a while before I got into competitive soccer. He got a real kick (ha! Get it?) out of it. I don't know if I'd ever want to coach. Maybe.
Oddly, I can see you doing this and liking it. By the end of the post, I wasn't surprised.
If someone put a gun to my head and MADE me pick my favorite of all your posts, this might be it. Coach, you are too damn funny! And I'm with you. My kids -- delightful. Other people's kids -- not so much.
Betsy Bird's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/EmptyingOurNest/~3/273283780/every-family-needs-few-secrets.html' rel="nofollow">Every Family Needs a Few Secrets
A book you might find useful . . . before you duct tape these boys to a tree and walk away . . . is called "Coaching Boys into Men" and it is a curriculum for using the coaching relationship to reinforce positive attitudes towards women and responsibility, etc. It is available free from the Family Violence Prevention Fund.
The Super Bongo's last blog post..http://thesuperbongo.blogspot.com/2008/04/yummy-crunchy.html' rel="nofollow">Yummy Crunchy
NOOO!! Do not give in to the evils of the mini-van! :) Just kidding, hope you are having a fabulous weekend.
Amanda (Shamelessly Sassy)'s last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/shamelesslysassy/oRdr/~3/273000652/' rel="nofollow">Bootlegger Navigation
Minivans aren't that bad, especially with a fucking gaggle of kids!
;)
Secret Agent Mama's last blog post..http://secretagentmama.com/blog/2008/04/19/photohunt-thirteen/' rel="nofollow">Photohunt: Thirteen
I don't get asked to coach anything. They take one look at my shoes and nails and figure that I am too girly.
That or the fact that I have the evil withering stare down to a fine freaking art :)
I so wanna see you in a baseball cap, can't be as bad as me surely...
Kelley's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MagnetoBoldToo/~3/273788768/' rel="nofollow">Moo is a princess.
Yay congratulations.. I was the team manager one year when Dave played aussie rules footy.. It was a hoot...
cheeers Kim..
frogpondsrock's last blog post..http://frogpondsrock.blogspot.com/2008/04/weekly-winners-woohoo.html' rel="nofollow">Weekly Winners.. WooHoo!!!!
You clearly have bigger balls than I. I would avoid that, not because of the kids, but the dads. I can barely tolerate just sharing the bleachers with them and their egos.
Tootsie Farklepants's last blog post..http://vintagethirty.blogspot.com/2008/04/weekends-are-made-for-peace-link-and.html' rel="nofollow">The Weekends are Made for Peace, Link, and Love
I LOVE this! I've never commented here before, but I had to de-lurk for this one. I am SO glad I'm not the only one who thinks these things! Or has a potty mouth issue. Cause seriously? I'd beat the shit out of a team of ANY sort of kids- birthday gatherings where the parents drop the little snot pickers and run off (probably because they KNOW their kid's a shit head) are more than enough!!
Autumn's last blog post..http://confessionsofanotsodomesticdiva.blogspot.com/2008/04/summertime-or-something-like-it.html' rel="nofollow">Summertime (or Something Like It!)
OMG...I hate other people's kids too!!! Seriously. Even my realatives kids...HATE THEM! HA!
As for coaching, you're a brave lady. I wouldn't have the balls to put myself out there like that. But I guess that's why you're MR Lady, eh? You've got yourself a pair of steel balls my darling.
LunaNik's last blog post..http://lsecretsofablackheart.blogspot.com/2008/04/sunday-steals-and-deals_20.html' rel="nofollow">Sunday Steals and Deals
Maybe the dads are just jealous cuz you have more balls than them! Chauvenists have small penises, you know.
Jana's last blog post..http://janasjourneys.blogspot.com/2008/04/more-randoms.html' rel="nofollow">More Randoms
I hate other people's kids too. But I grew up in Baltimore and got rid of the accent. What's your excuse???
Aimee Greeblemonkey's last blog post..http://www.greeblemonkey.com/2008/04/denver-bloggers-meetup.html' rel="nofollow">Denver Bloggers Meetup
Oh this is too funny, I just volunteered to "manage" my son's baseball team this year too. And have been dealing with the same things. I have played baseball before though- in grade school. I was the one hiding behind the good players and running away when the ball came near.