How to Make a Candy Cane in 8 Easy Steps

1. Have a child. Make sure she has almost no pigment in her skin. A 75% Scotch/Irish and 25% Ukrainian mix should do nicely.

2. Don't forget that she'll need to be trampy enough to have 3 kids.

3. Put a couple of those kids in Little League.

4. Get one of those kids into a really kick-ass team who advances all the way to the Championship game.

5. But make sure they spend two FULL bright, sunny hot days at the ballpark before they get through.

6. And sign her up to work the barbecue grill for three hours.

7. And make sure the other kids distract her just enough that she totally forgets about sunscreen.

8. While she's wearing a wife-beater.

8. Enjoy.