T Minus 3 and Counting

Continued from here and here, the greatest hits of the past one thousand posts, with the clarification that you do NOT need to click through unless it says Read the Rest or there isn't a quote. Because I love you and want your stay here to be seamless and enjoyable.

I Don't Get No Respect.

Earlier today:
Adoring wife: Honey, here's your coffee. Time to get up.
Jackass husband: Thanks. (rolls over) You have a 69 on your arm?
Adoring wife: Do not, pig. It is the sign of Cancer. My brother's a Cancer, remember?
Jackass husband: Hmmpft.
Adoring wife: You mean to tell me you're just now noticing that? I've had this tattoo for years.
Jackass husband: I try not to look at it.
Adoring and slightly peeved wife: Doesn't much bode well for you that there are parts of your wife you try to not look at.
Jackass and deep in the hole husband: You're telling me.

Later on today:

Dutiful son: Mom, I can't remember what you look like without your glasses on.
Loving mother: Here you go. See? I look the same.
Dutiful and likely well-paid son: Mom, I wish you didn't have that earring in your nose.
Loving and slightly peeved mother: Why is that?
Dutiful and deep in the hole son: I think you look silly with it.

The post where I blatantly out myself as the worlds biggest hypocritical lying liar, Little Ms I Am Too Smart For Baby Monitors. Read the rest. Well worth it.

In my resistance to vie nouveau, I have come across something I thought sounded like maybe it had some merit. So, we are trying this brand spankin’ new thing we heard about. The idea is that you lay your kid down when they are tired, walk away and let them work out the going to sleep details on their own.

This is a brand new concept to me. I have always subscribed to the cuddle/bounce/sing-to/recite-dirty-limericks-to/nurse-’til-it-hurts school of putting kids to bed. But I have to say, this is kind of nice. We have a little routine going. We have ni-night cuddles all the way up to the room, then say ni-night to all the babies, then lay down and turn on the baby giraffe’s lullaby, then cover up with the blankie, then say ni-night to each other at which point I walk away and shut the door.

Now, sometimes this works beautifully. Like naptime today. She just went to sleep. Sometimes, however, this does not work so well. Sometimes it sounds like I have ripped out all of her toenails. Sometimes she comes very close to actually saying, “Get your ass back in here and pick me up, bitch.” And I know this because I have more baby monitors than you could shake a stick at. There is one in every available outlet. It’s screaming, in stereo.

Once, I got myself in a little too deep with some crazy blog trolls. While I was moving. TO ANOTHER COUNTRY. And I had no internet access. After that, the Rulz of the Blog came to be.

Things that will get your hand slapped:

• Posting the name of a child on this blog. I'll delete faster than you could ever imagine.


• Using my comments section as a place to justify your very, very naughty behavior


• Calling nasty names


• Acting like a 5 year old


• Behaving so badly that my friend has to call me all the way from Denver to tell me what's going on and then hack into my blog to delete your little temper tantrums because I'm moving and have no internet access.

Things that will get a big old bar of soap in your mouth

• Using the C word. Honestly, c*#k kinda makes me chuckle a little bit, but c*%t is just crude. We are grown-ups here, people. Vulgar names do not become us.


• Using fuck as a verb. The only acceptable usage of fuck is as an adjective or noun. And I'm touchy on the noun usage. Example 1: The fucking fuckers who decided it would be ok to plaster the name of a toddler all over my blog are fucking twisted fucks--perfectly ok. Example 2: Someone really needs to flip over that woman and fuck her properly--maybe not appropriate for a family site. I'll delete it. I promise you, I will.


• Saying that my kid is ugly. Or dumb. Just in case you were thinking about doing it.

I swear to Jesus on high and all that is holy, if you cannot play nicely with each other I will send you to your rooms and by the time I let you out your underwear will be out of style. I'm not kidding. Just try me.

And then the bottom fell directly out of my world. I hesitate to put this link here, because my husband's going to be pissed about it, but I'll say up front that strides of gargantuan proportion have been taken, and we are just fine and happy and gooey in love again, but this is an important part of my life, and it's my blog. Bygones. I love you, Donor. This is a rather large read the rest.

So, me. I have this, well, addiction to people who treat me badly. Alcoholics treat me really badly. Turns out it doesn’t much matter if they are sober, dry, clean or otherwise non-drinking drunks. They find a way to get their punches in, and I find a way to justify, blame myself, or ignore it.

I have been ignoring it for a while now. And then, a few weeks ago….

I love this post. Gigi said once it was her favourite, too. I am not sure if I love the post as much as I loved the coffee date that inspired it, which was seriously my favorite hour every with, quite possibly, my favorite boy ever, but still. Read the rest...

Something just clicks after thirty and you get things. You see them more clearly. I can't explain it better than that, but those of you in the 30+ club will agree with me, I know you will. My friend Sheryl says that the shift at 60 is even better than the one at thirty. This fact makes me very excited to hit 60, 'cause I am totally digging the mindset that has come along with my new decade of age. It's just, well, quieter. Calmer. Even when it crazy fucking madness because you spent your twenties acquiring some debt, a job, a litter of kids that all have to be at different places at the same time, a bunch of friends with various neurosis and a dog you can never find the time to walk, it is still all easier because after thirty you master the art of taking shit in stride. Diapers aren't as expensive at 30 as they were at 22; even though the price hasn't changed, your perspective has.

Early Morning Philosophy.

1of3: "Mom, do you think anything is possible?"

Mom: "No, I think some things are flat out impossible."

1of3: "Like what?"

Mom: "Can you fly?"

1of3: "Not yet."

Mom: "OK. Can a pig fly? You can tape all the wings you want to a pig. It will never achieve flight. Or sing. Ain't no way a pig's ever gonna sing."

1of3: "Mom, I can invent a flying machine. And maybe pigs can sing. How do you know?"

Mom: "Good point. You quitting picking your nose? Impossible!"

1of3: "I did quit, maaaawm!"

Mom: "Dude, I saw you pick your nose yesterday."

1of3: "Maaawm, I quit today!"

Mom: "Sure you did, B, sure you did."

1of3: "See, mom, nothing's impossible."

Mom: "2of3 listening to him mom for once? Huh? What about that one?"

1of3: "OK, almost nothing is impossible."

My resume. You know, in case you're looking to hire someone. With no skill sets. Click through and prepared to be let down.

Part A. Part B. I gave up after that.

Why I am going straight to hell, aka my Ash Wednesday post. The whole post.

I gave up religion for Lent.

I think I'm raising them wrong.

This afternoon:

2of3: Mom, is Cupid real?
Mom: I think so, honey.
2of3: No he’s not, mom!
Mom: Oh yeah, well then how do people fall in love?
2of3: Maaawm, you just meet a girl who you think is pretty and…
Mom: So you have to be pretty for a boy to fall in love with you?
2of3: Yes!
Mom: What if I was ugly? You’re saying dad wouldn’t have fallen in love with me?
2of3: Noooooo. But someone would have thought you were pretty.
Mom: Thanks. It’s a good thing he thought I was, huh?
Chauvinist pig. Good thing he’s cute.

The night before I turned 32, I took inventory. And saw that my cup was, indeed, full.

Tonight I sat outside and watched my children play. L & B were wrestling in the grass and T was trying desperately to master the pogo-stick. I got to thinking about this past year; this year that has arguably been the hardest of my life. I got to thinking about all the choices I’ve made, all the things I’ve lost that lead to this, this point in my life. I get stuck a little sometimes in how hard this is, and how much harder it’s going to get before it’s all over, and how tiring it is and how frustrating it is and tonight as I watched my children play I thought through all of that again and I came to one conclusion.

I have the three most wonderful children in the history of birth-control gone awry. I have a home and a family and friends and everything that has happened up until this point has just been steering me in this direction.

I watched them play tonight and as L squealed and ran from B, as B tackled her and nibbled her tummy and she laughed harder than I have ever seen her, as T finally achieved his life-long goal of 5 whole consecutive jumps on the pogo-stick, I realized that this year had to suck so badly to get me where I am right this very second…and I wouldn’t trade a second of it for the world.

This is my entire submission for Lunanik and Jill's Deadly Sins a Thon:

Happy Easter! Today, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. The anniversary of, which, if you actually look at a calendar, happened on Monday. Which happened to a man who may or may not have existed. Which happened in order to save man from his sins, and yet we just keep right on with the sinning. In new and sometimes creative forms. Like Girl Scout cookies. Betcha Jesus never saw those little boxes of evil coming.

Every single one of the seven deadly sins is personified in any random box of Girl Scout cookies, with the possible exemption of those gross new low-fat ones. Think about it:

• Pride: You bought 7 boxes.? Oh yeah, I bought 2 cases! Top that!


• Greed: Self explanatory. Do you share yours? That's right, no one does.


• Gluttony: I can eat a whole box in under 5 minutes. Easy.


• Sloth: I will do all of nothing but sit on the couch until every box is empty.


• Lust: How many times have I caught myself gazing at them, praying for dessert time?


• Envy: About a week after I run about, but my neighbor hasn't, this one kicks in.


• Wrath: About 5 minutes after I run out, this one shows it's ugly head. I should've ordered more. See Greed.

Anyway, Jesus, nails, resurrection, sins, bunnies, eggs, new dresses.....

And that wraps up #401-600. Stay tuned for the rest

Comments

[pauline]

You totally rock. I am jealous that you can say "fuck" on your blog and not flinch. I am still a wimp.
1,000 posts, huh? i'm such a newbie and must learn from you, oh master.
oh-hey...when i clicked on your blog link in your profile, it took me to the old site.
last thing-i commented to your comment on my blog. sneaky way, or not, of saying "come back and see me!", isn't it?

[Melisa]

I'm sort of pissed at you right now because now I want to read each and every one of your posts, and, well, I would have to neglect my family in order to do it. But I'm thinking about it, which pisses me off even more. I'm going to have to make some kind of plan. Any ideas?

Melisa's last blog post..http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com/2008/06/now-im-really-out-there.html' rel="nofollow">Now I'm Really Out There...

[ohmommy]

So many good ones, Mr. Lady. I have been reading so much about you lately, through these post, you were actually in my dream last night. No joke.

I would tell you about it but I don't want my hand slapped. That is all.

ohmommy's last blog post..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/06/one-whipped-husband.html' rel="nofollow">One Whipped Husband

[Merrie]

So how did you and hubby fall back into gooey sticky love? Because I'm more like where you were before the leaving in the middle of the night. Perhaps not as bad as that, but hopeless feeling, just the same.

Merrie's last blog post..http://sleeplessmornings.blogspot.com/2008/06/how-years-go-by.html' rel="nofollow">How the years go by

[Kori]

Who CAN'T say fuck on their blog? Really? I don't have a rpoblem with it either. But I am crass that way. : ) I don't know what to say, so-I won't. Just that you are good, and that not ALL sober alcoholics will treat you like shit. Also, a good thing to keep in mind is that some people are just assholes naturally. :)

Kori's last blog post..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/06/important-things-are-made-evident-good.html' rel="nofollow">The Important Things Are Made Evident-a Good Day

[MommyTime]

I love that you are doing this so that I can get to know you way back then too. Because although I'd like to read all 1000 myself, I would like to take a shower once in the next ten days even more. (Don't be mad, you know those would be your priorities too.) Also, can you please write a little handbook on how to write shorter posts? Mine seem to be turning into the Great American Novel (minus the Great), and I do so admire short and pithy that is only occasionally punctuated by long and pondering. But I am apparently incapable of that...

MommyTime's last blog post..http://mommysmartini.blogspot.com/2008/06/back-when-cartoons-were-for-saturday.html' rel="nofollow">Back When Cartoons Were for Saturday Mornings (and vice versa)

[christy]

Of course I zeroed in on the husband post--I hadn't read it, or realized what the issue was.

You really left. That's amazing. In my family, people generally don't leave, or talk about it.

And you came back.

Amazing.

I don't know why we never thought of it.

Too stupid, too stubborn?

Just...amazing.

christy's last blog post..http://thesouloneverypath.blogspot.com/2008/06/damn-it-sucks-seeing-it-written-down.html' rel="nofollow">Damn. It sucks seeing it written down.....

[Marge]

MommyTime said "pithy" - that word makes me giggle.

For what it's worth, I thought the nose ring was very brave when you got it - don't change it. 8 years ago I went to get my nose pierced like that and came away with my tongue pierced instead. Not because they have bad aim but because I am chickenshit. Not afraid of the pain rather afraid of the way I would be treated and other people's opinions. I figured that with my tongue I could choose who would know and who wouldn't. I like my tongue these days but if I did it all over now I'd go with the nose.

Instead of building coffee tables, let's write a book together in 10 years, k?

[MomBabe]

alright, I read most of them, but not all of them, and I just thought I should tell you that {this} is why I love you.

MomBabe's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/TheBinghamDiaries/~3/312718484/interview-with-children-of-one-dadguy.html' rel="nofollow">An Interview: with the children of one DadGuy, well, all except the one that can't talk yet. In her defense, she has a doofy smile when you say Daddy.

[Diane]

Melisa, I recommend catch up on the blog in stages. Mr. Lady is quite funny, but there is some serious reading in certain sections. I've been reading for several years now and I don't think that I've read every single post.

Diane's last blog post..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/06/hacked.html' rel="nofollow">Hacked?

[the planet of janet]

i love you more each day ...

the planet of janet's last blog post..http://fromtheplanetofjanet.blogspot.com/2008/06/state-of-state-of-their-union.html' rel="nofollow">The state of the state of their union

[daysgoby]

Ah-hah, I have a sick kid tonight! Reading your archives will be JUSt the thing I need to take my mind of the HOURS of Treehouse TV that I'm SURE to be hearing.

You write beautifully, Mr L. But you knew that.

daysgoby's last blog post..http://jessalogic.blogspot.com/2008/06/budding-conservationist.html' rel="nofollow">budding conservationist

[K8spade]

I, too, gave up religion for Lent once. Or 500 times, whatever. We really are soul mates or something!

K8spade's last blog post..http://katehayesblazo.blogspot.com/2008/06/digg.html' rel="nofollow">O! Canada, Part Deux

[flickrlovr]

Since I'm sort of newly Mr-Lady-indoctrinated, it's really fun to go back and look at your old posts! I'm learning a lot more about you, and since you've been at this for so long, it's SUPER helpful that you're doing all the hard work for me...and I can just sit back and read the best of the best! Thank you! And may I say-a third time-that yes, you have always been hilarious.

Completely off-topic, and slightly sad: I just looked at the ads to the right of your blog and they were all about SHINGLES. Haha to that, but not haha that Miss 3of3 has them...is she feeling any better yet?

flickrlovr's last blog post..http://idblogthaton.blogspot.com/2008/06/i-dont-need-male-enhancement-pills-okay.html' rel="nofollow">I Just Don't NEED Male Enhancement Pills, Okay?!?!

[LaskiGal]

So much good stuff here . . . Seriously, when are your memoirs coming out?

LaskiGal's last blog post..http://laskigal.blogspot.com/2008/06/ill-always-love-chachi.html' rel="nofollow">I'll Always Love Chachi

[Zoeyjane]

dude. i just bought that book cuz i remembered reading that post where you mentioned reading it and it's meaningfullness and i was very psyched to talk about reading it and lessons and blah blah openness blah and i wanted to say who'd recommended it, but didn't wanna just in case and now, you've OUTTED it again, so i can breathe a sigh of relief.

sigh. seriously. how am i supposed to NOT read 1000 posts all in a row without a break? and the lessons MommyTime asked for? Me too, as if evident by this novel of a comment.

Zoeyjane's last blog post..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/06/16/the-books-new-lover-is/' rel="nofollow">The Book's New Lover is?

[Leslie Dillinger]

Thank you for reminding me on a consistent basis why I love you and connect with you so well. These are all lovely. I can't tell you, though, how many times I've gone back a reread that "turning 30 and it just clicks" post (sorry, paraphrasing.) That post means SO MUCH to me, because I so relate to it. Thank fucking God we are not in our twenties anymore. But then again, who would we be now if we hadn't had to suffer through all of that shit?

[J]

I zeroed in on the 11th day post, also. I am glad you left, and glad you went back. I know how that can be. Mine wasn't based on alcohol....but, yeah. I know how hard it can be to try to tell someone how bad the past was and in the same sentence tell them how good the present is. Most people don't believe it. I do.

J's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ImATroubleMaker/~3/314034596/if-you-could-all-bow-your-heads-for.html' rel="nofollow">If you could all bow your heads for a moment of silence....

[Kay]

You are so honest and down to earth I swear if we were next door neighbors we would be the best of friends. But alas I have to just read your words on the internet and the intermittenent email replies from my comments. :)

Kay's last blog post..http://specialk513.blogspot.com/2008/06/lucky-woman.html' rel="nofollow">Lucky woman

[Xbox4NappyRash]

I read a different side to you here, now.

It's quite fascinating.

Xbox4NappyRash's last blog post..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/06/or-maybe-not-enough.html' rel="nofollow">Or maybe not enough

[Kim]

It is possible to become more enamored.
I am loving the countdown.
Loving.

Kim's last blog post..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/6/18/not-so-wordless-wednesday-reflections.html' rel="nofollow">Not So Wordless Wednesday - Reflections

[Momo Fali]

Wow. Really...just wow. These are great! And, that Girl Scout cookie thing? Pure brilliance.

Momo Fali's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Momo-Fali/~3/314631774/dont-forget-to-tip-your-waitress.html' rel="nofollow">Don't Forget To Tip Your Waitress

[matt]

These are great, really. I had no idea about some of that. It actually set me back a bit. I've been sitting here in front of a blank comment window for like 10 minutes. The thing I've learned about blogging is that you have to pick your words VERY carefully. Relationships begin with a certain amount of distrust and are built over time. So I guess I'll just say that I am really sorry you went through what you have been through, but in a respectful, non-pitying type of way. Hope that sounded right when you read it.
BTW - I would like to officially go on record as saying I got the Caddyshack reference in "Somethin-New". Sweet.

matt's last blog post..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/06/13/happy-fathers-day-dad/' rel="nofollow">Happy Fathers Day, Dad!

[rachel]

Well hell.
Just more reasons why I love you.
I was so engrossed in reading these/those that I didn't notice Monkey. He grabbed an empty plastic beer bottle and put it in a Koozie and brought it to me. What does that say about me? Shoot.
You are evil, but I love you.

rachel's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/FromTheLandOfMonkeysAndPrincesses/~3/314999533/pencil-vs-eye.html' rel="nofollow">Pencil VS. Eye

[Jeremy (Discovering Dad)]

You should have joined the tattoo game instead of the bewbs game ;-) Next time, right? Now we know though, so maybe you'll have to get another one.

Jeremy (Discovering Dad)'s last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/DiscoveringDad/~3/315238122/playground-justice-memories-of-hazing.html' rel="nofollow">Playground Justice - Memories of Hazing and Freeze Tag