;)
Saturday
Jul122008
An Open Letter to Mr Lady from Whatever the Hell It Is That Has Staged a Coup in Her Urinary Tract
Saturday, July 12, 2008 at 1:36PM
Dear Mr Lady,
We regret to notify you that until further notice, we have hostily occupied all territories from the bladder south. We are willing to negotiate release of said organs and/or their functions back to you on our terms only; the time for polite discourse has long past.
Please be aware the we have only come to this impasse as a result of your own gross negligence and complete disregard for the rules of civility, propriety and increased age.
Our list of demands is henceforth laid out:
Until such a time as these demands are met in full, we are officially at war with you. We will not make this easy for you. You have a 15 hour drive coming up this week, and you will need us functioning at maximum capacity. The choice is yours. We have nothing better to do.
We regret to notify you that until further notice, we have hostily occupied all territories from the bladder south. We are willing to negotiate release of said organs and/or their functions back to you on our terms only; the time for polite discourse has long past.
Please be aware the we have only come to this impasse as a result of your own gross negligence and complete disregard for the rules of civility, propriety and increased age.
Our list of demands is henceforth laid out:
- You will immediately cease all contact with that person who sleeps next to you. We are not interested in how good he smells, or that he's getting awfully tan this summer. In accordance with article 3, paragraph 2, bullet point C in the warranty issued to you, couples together more than one decade are only covered for two (2) conjugal visits per lunar month, and any activity beyond that is considered a breech of contract and the preventative maintainance warranty is thereby null and void. The two of you seem to think it's been prom night every day for the past month, and we are out of the anti-bodies needed to keep your urinary tract uninfected. We are tired. Is The End extremely nigh? Are you desperate for another child before your old uterus just shrivels us and dies? Apparently you've overlooked the fact that you'd already shot out a veritable litter of children before that clock of yours even started ticking, and if you're hoping for another child, well, decency prevents us from stating in a public forum the can of whoop-ass we will unleash upon your boobs alone. Perhaps if you got your lazy but up and peed after doing whatever it is your two do at three in the morning, our job would be made a little easier.
- You will go to bed at a reasonable hour. When you stay up typing until 2, we are tired the next morning. You ingest pot after pot of coffee, in a pathetic attempt to maintain consciousness, and that coffee dehydrates us. It does not count that you use 12 cups of water to brew said coffee; caffeine kills. It also does not count if you take a perfectly good glass of water and turn it into iced tea. We need hydration in order to do our job properly. Maybe if you slept occasionally, you wouldn't need so much coffee and we'd be golfing in The Hamptons rather than building a barbed-wire fence across your urethra.
- Heed our warnings. When we are forced to speak, we do so loudly. Remember a few months ago when we sent all those stones down the tube? THAT was a warning. You drank water, you swallowed cranberry pills, and we were appeased. But after a week, you were back to your old tricks. We keep waking you up in the middle of the night to pee, we have afflicted you with a mild case of incontinence, we stop you mid-stream half the time, and the only message you seem to be getting here is that you are pregnant. YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. God himself would have a difficult time getting the seed of the Messiah to take in that plumbing you've got. We don't know how to make this any clearer to you. You will hear us and you will reply will immediate compliance, or else.
- Join the first world. Just down the street from you is a large building full of small rooms. I believe you call it The Mall. In that "mall" there are stores, and they sell underwear. You are no longer an angtsy 20 something, and you are not in 1960's California or New York. Purchase a pair of underwear. WEAR IT. We like underwear, and if you get something black and lacy, so will that horn-dog that sleeps next to you. Pinky swear.
- Cleanliness is next to godliness. Take a damn shower already. We appreciate that you are overwhelmingly busy all day typing on that black box you call a laptop, but it is HOT outside. You are genetically predisposed to sweating like a stuck pig in a sauna. Showers; 'nuff said.
- Um, what's the deal with the cocktails? The one thing you've had going in your favor is your absolute refusal to ingest alcohol at home. Lately, you have broken even this rule. As if the coffee and the tea weren't sucking the life right out of us, now you're adding Smith and Kerns' to the mix? Dearest, 80 year old women at bingo drink Smith and Kerns'. You are 33 years old. At the very least, you could be drinking Cape Cods. We like cranberry juice, in case you hadn't noticed. As happy as we are for your teeth, and as much as we know that your evening night caps help you relax and keep you from grinding those teeth down to tiny little nubs in your sleep, we would like to point out that if you drink enough of those cocktails, you will ignore the pain we've sent your way, your Auntie Flo that has popped in for her monthly visit, and all sence of propriety, and you and that man will get to doing the one thing that angers us the most. If you need help to stop, we can refer you to several support groups in your neighborhood.
Until such a time as these demands are met in full, we are officially at war with you. We will not make this easy for you. You have a 15 hour drive coming up this week, and you will need us functioning at maximum capacity. The choice is yours. We have nothing better to do.
Reader Comments (33)
My eyes...MY EYES!!!
Chucks last blog post..http://www.disfordad.com/2008/07/11/par-for-the-course/" rel="nofollow">Par for the course
You gotta admit; It was a LITTLE bit funny. Right?
I wouldn't take that shit from that little pisser!
I'd remind HER that there are fake bladders out there to be had, with a more convenient emptying screw off cap--right in the belly, not that dirty, dirty area next to the baby spewer.
Plus neat accessories....
(OK, MrLady......take care of yourself, huh?)
christys last blog post..http://thesouloneverypath.blogspot.com/2008/07/going-goinggone.html" rel="nofollow">Going, going.....gone
In the process of pulling my head out of my ass as we speak.
Yuck and ouch. I'd really take what's in the letter seriously.
VegasDads last blog post..http://ivegasfamily.blogspot.com/2008/07/pointless-post.html" rel="nofollow">pointless post
You'd think, wouldn't you? Odds are, I won't.
Poor Mr Lady. Ouchie.
Put that bladder in its place, and take it easy girlfriend.
flickrlovrs last blog post..http://idblogthaton.blogspot.com/2008/07/haiku-friday-oh-jealousy.html" rel="nofollow">Haiku Friday: Oh, Jealousy!
Ouchie is officially the understatement of the year.
Looks like you have quite the organized militia down there. I think mine are small time mobsters. "Your lettin' these guys out by midnight. We don't care how you do it. You may know who we are but we know who you are. Capiche? If not, we got this little friend we like to call Mr. Blue..."
BusyDads last blog post..http://www.busydadblog.com/entries/im-only-3-years-older-than-d-wife.html" rel="nofollow">I'm Only 3 Years Older Than d Wife
Yeah, Chuck, you thought my post was bad...
Oh, man. I remember those days. Not pretty. Not pretty at all. Now, drink lots of water. Lots and lots of cranberry juice.
3 a.m.? Are you nuckin' futs?
3 p.m.? Okay, I'm good with that.
Underwear is overrated. Just wear skirts so nothing rubs.
Rees last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/hotfessional/KKFw/~3/333758197/" rel="nofollow">Mr. Hot Shaved His Beard Off
Too busy drooling to reply.
I had to come check out the famous "Mr. Lady" and girl you make the crack in my ass bigger by laughing so hard.
And by the way, you may want to shower but going commando (without undies) is very comfortable. However, I don't leave the house with spanx now....so I can't take.
Good luck with the "issues" and take a shower already....ya stink!
krissys last blog post..http://firecrackermomma.blogspot.com/2008/07/whole-lot-of-everything.html" rel="nofollow">A whole lot of everything!
I am almost afraid to know what you mean my "famous."
BTW.....I'm coming to visit more often.....just a warning.
krissys last blog post..http://firecrackermomma.blogspot.com/2008/07/whole-lot-of-everything.html" rel="nofollow">A whole lot of everything!
BTW: I see your stalking threat and I raise you a link on the blogroll. Take THAT.
i am so buying you panties for xmas. (and i know you live in the 'burbs, too. but i also know that there are days when you, 3of3 and a car all have the chance to visit. which i why i keep neglecting to mention that it wasn't your hood i was looking to be closer to. damn licenses and cars. but really, i miss you.)
Zoeyjanes last blog post..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/07/11/the-turn-around-post/" rel="nofollow">The Turn Around Post
Hehehehe...you said panties.
And just in case you don't have enough ammunition: I know someone whose daughter has had a stubborn UTI for a few weeks, on several different antibiotics, and was just admitted to the hospital overnight for IV anibiotics for 24 hours, and will have to have a pic line in for TEN DAYS to administer the IV drugs to combat a bug that has gotten completely out of control and serious. For real. This isn't one of those "friend of a friend" stories. It's so worth being kind to your plumbing.
Also: email me your address. You win the chair cleaning prize! I'm so grateful (and ZoeyJane was so right about you.) I was going to send you something fun in the artistic line, but now I'm wondering: should I send panties? Hmmm.... decisions decisions...
MommyTimes last blog post..http://mommysmartini.blogspot.com/2008/07/you-say-art.html" rel="nofollow">You Say Art...
Your undying affection is quite enough. Which one worked? Also, yeah, I get these recurrently. Like, every 3 months. For YEARS. And now I am scared to death, thank you very much.
oh ow mr. lady. i just had one of those a couple months ago THEN got to deal with their friend 'the yeasts'. neither was fun. both sucked a lot. both due to that sleeping next 'nice smelling', 'oh look at that gun show' guy. mmm, speed's on his puter too. maybe i can distract him...
um, i gotta go. talk to you guys later. ;)
zeghsys last blog post..http://zeghsy.blogspot.com/2008/07/ma-shoes.html" rel="nofollow">ma shoes!
*snickersnicker* You go, girl.
Is it just me, or does your bladder sound a little pissy?
Veronicas last blog post..http://somedaywewillsleep.com/?p=824" rel="nofollow">Stereotyping
It's just mean to make the girl with the bladder infection laugh that hard. MEAN.
Just add a little (50/50 mix is a little right) vodka to that cranberry juice. Delicious, a fruit, a medicine and can wipe you out in a couple of hours.
Oh and for the love of God buy some cotton panties. You can do it. At least for when you are wearing jeans. Cause just thinking about that shit makes ME grind my teeth.
Kelleys last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MagnetoBoldToo/~3/333455290/" rel="nofollow">Man I am getting old.
I think you should get a medical degree. I like your bedside manner, sister.
Damn Lady,
I thought that your Uterus of steel would take care of that crap for ya.
Water.
Drink it.
My uterus was grounded 2 1/2 years ago. I haven't let it out of it's room yet.
Whatever it is, it's really got a terrible attitude.
Chriss last blog post..http://www.rudecactus.com/2008/07/the_weeklies_44_1.html" rel="nofollow">The Weeklies #44
And a mace.
Sounds to me like you need some big white cotton Buicks. That will improve airflow and deter your bed mate from romantic interludes. You probably wouldn't be so easy if you didn't go to bed drunk also. Feel better and drink lots and lots of water.
janethesanes last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/YouSeeWhatYouWantToSee/~3/333227110/beach-day.html" rel="nofollow">Beach Day
Honey, I'm easy like Sunday morning.
Never had a bladder infection until I had Harley. Since then, I get them easily and often. I finally learned after several that I have to drink Cranberry Juice everyday to avoid getting them. I hope you knock this out quickly and feel better.
Dianes last blog post..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/07/accountability.html" rel="nofollow">Accountability
I get them recurrently, too. I'm thinking cranberry pills every morning. Ugh.
Hope those horrible little microbes leave you alone soon.
That can't be nice.
Also, do UTI's commonly make you talk to your bacteria or, should I say, hear your bacteria talking with you?
You know, that is an illness in itself...
tiffs last blog post..http://www.mythreeringcircus.com/2008/07/weekly-winners-22/" rel="nofollow">Weekly Winners.
No, that's the mild case of insanity I contracted. Hadn't you figured that out yet?
Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. Hope you feel better soon.
anne nahms last blog post..http://annenahm.com/?p=474" rel="nofollow">Food Porn: Carrot Edition
I think it's all your carrot's fault.
If any part of my body ever sends me a letter like that . . . game on. My house. You just live here.
But seriously, girl, drink some cranberry juice and take a shower.
LaskiGals last blog post..http://laskigal.blogspot.com/2008/07/photostory-friday-what-lies-ahead.html" rel="nofollow">PhotoStory Friday: What lies ahead
I've done both. 8 million times over. F@$K!!!
You'd better show those little piss-ants who's boss before they start staking out positions north of the border and the ol' kidney gets in on the action. Otherwise you'll be having a sleepover at my house next Saturday instead of being the talk of the town in San Fran. (Not that I wouldn't want to have you sleep over, of course, but I have a date with the preschool set next Saturday night...)
Latte Mommys last blog post..http://lattemommy.blogspot.com/2008/07/dont-you-hate-it-when.html" rel="nofollow">Don't You Hate It When...
You would really nurse me back to health? That would (almost) be worth it!
like chuck said, "my eyes...MY EYES!"
ummm, what is spanx. this is the second time i'm hearing this word. sorry, sheltered much?
hope you feel better. when i went on a canoe trip, i didn't go from 7 a.m. till midnight. and i really questioned God why He gave women such complicated plumbing.
camping is a lot easier for guys.
hang in there. hope you feel better soon. stop drinking coffee period. i don't care if you don't shower etc.
(and 3 a.m., alright - you go girl!) some of us only wish.
Spanx? No clue, dude. Wish I knew! And yeah, when I waitress, I can hold it for 8 hours straight, no problem. Hurts that night for sure, though. And 3 am is not as great as you think it is; it's just the one hour when none of out insomniac children are EVER awake.
OK, I'll be one of the few serious commenters here:
You are an incredibly good writer. And you obviously love it.
I don't know if this blog stuff is enough to fulfill your need to write, or if you'd be willing to take it further. If you're willing to take it further, let's talk. There are agents, and editors, and self- and trade-publishers out there that would die to work with you!
Keep up the good work...and drink some cranberry juice, damnit!
Kimmelins last blog post..http://kimmelin.wordpress.com/2008/07/10/the-cancer-of-cycling-the-crack-of-writing/" rel="nofollow">The Cancer of Cycling–The Crack of Writing
I just love you. That's all.
Oh yeah...they mean business....
Time to break out the Z-Pac....
Tammys last blog post..http://thopgood-mylife.blogspot.com/2008/07/running-update.html" rel="nofollow">Running Update
Time to break out the valium and the chick-flick!
Day-um... moody little thing ain't she? Show her who's boss and don't take that crap.
('dwear and cranberries are still nice once in a while.)
Tara R.s last blog post..http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com/2008/07/12/its-me-is-that-you/" rel="nofollow">It’s me, is that you?
I hate cranberry juice. I hate it *this* much. And yet, I've drunk about a gallon of it today alone. It is to weep.
I must laugh but know that I am in pain just thinking of this!
And, personally, I wouldn't take that kind of back talk!!
Alisons last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/blogspot/mountainmomma/~3/333932735/saturday-sundries.html" rel="nofollow">Saturday Sundries
I'm just a big push-over.
Um...er......heh heh. Uh....I'm.....uh....uncomfortable.
You know what is awesome about you, Mr Lady? You can write about your bodily functions and get, like, 100 comments. You should write a book...seriously.
Um, Matt, have you just MET me or something? And yeah, my readers are amused by bodily function stories, which is why they are the best readers ever.
Oh man... so sorry. Hope you are cured before next week. I can take you panty shopping. Im just saying.
ohmommys last blog post..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/07/i-cant-always-control-conversation.html" rel="nofollow">I can't always control the conversation...
Vile Temptress!
Okay.. so I was contacted by your bladder south, they threatened to steal my ipod if I did not promise it that I would make you drink cranberry juice and buy u some underwear..
Dude.. I love my ipod..
you are drinking cranberry juice in SF.
Kims last blog post..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/7/13/weekly-winners-july-7-13-2008.html" rel="nofollow">Weekly Winners July 7-13 2008
You bring the stupid cranberry juice, I'll bring the Ketel.
I think they mean business. Looks like you got some gals to take care of you in SF. Now I do want photos of OhMommy taking you panty shopping though!
amys last blog post..http://amysbratpack.blogspot.com/2008/07/did-i-mention-i-have-teenager.html" rel="nofollow">Did I mention I have a teenager?
Sadly enough, this is a FAMILY blog. I don't know if I could actually get away with posting those pictures.
This is my first trip to your blog and you are fabulous. I'll be back!
Reeses last blog post..http://reesepie.blogspot.com/2008/07/this-is-chou.html" rel="nofollow">Fuzzy Biscuit
You keep sweet talking me like that and I'll invite you to my HOUSE!
OMG, I love you. I really, really do. I needed that laugh!
Koris last blog post..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/07/award-for-me-from-two-people.html" rel="nofollow">An Award! For Me! From TWO People!
OK, I know UTI hurt, but you just made them funny. It is so true what we expect from our body and what our body expects from us. I am sure my lower self has had this rant a few times, but I just haven't listened close enough!
ascapecodturnss last blog post..http://ascapecodturns.blogspot.com/2008/07/got-vacation.html" rel="nofollow">Got Vacation?