;)
Thursday
Jul172008
A Rebel Without a Clue
Thursday, July 17, 2008 at 2:30AM
In 8 hours, I will hop in the car and head back to America. I'll drive for a little bit and then hop on a plane bound for San Francisco.
(Did you know the only city I've been to in California is Fresno? True story. Fresno is super awesome if you like meth*. I don't like meth.)
Moving on....
Am I nervous about flying? Hell no. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I piloted an airplane or twenty. Just when it was getting awesome (read; just when my instructor started taking us way up over The Rockies and stalling our Cessna, leaving ME to pull us out of the stall) they asked for my medical history. Did you know they frown upon pilots with two holes in their heart? I couldn't imagine why.
At 4:45 on Friday, I am scheduled to speak in front of 999 people, and Dooce. Am I nervous? Hell no. The best thing about growing up in a cult that likes to proselytize is the endless public speaking training they put you through. I could talk in front of the President, no prob. I know that's not saying much right now. Shut up; you know what I mean.
The rest of the weekend will be spent with those 1,000 people, some of which I know, some I don't. Am I nervous about meeting all these people, putting voices to their fonts? No, not really. I actually do really well in public settings now-a-days. I will sweat like a stuck pig in a sauna before I enter any room, and probably chain smoke when the whole thing's over, but in the thick of it, I can hang just fine. I guarantee you I'm going to pick my nose at some point, and I guarantee you I won't be the only one. Besides, my old next door neighbor will be there, so I know I'm a'ight.
For clarification, I:
There. I feel better. Am I nervous that 1,000 people I don't know, and who I'd really like to read my blog, will see all of that? Actually, no. Wanna know why? Because they all do too.
Wanna know what I am nervous about? I am nervous that I can't find my toothbrush. I have a toothbrush thing. And my good one, my best one, the Holy Grail of Toothbrushes, has gone missing. What is this magical toothbrush, you ask? I'll show you:
Oh, shut up. You don't even know what you're missing out on. See, I got my mother's, well, nothing, and my father's freaking awful pasty skin and his crinkle-cut front bottom teeth. It's crowded in there. No, I don't care that everyone's going to see that, either, it just comes with the territory, but I do worry that Kimmylyn is going to be a little frazzled when she staggers into our bathroom Friday morning and sees a kid's brush. Yes, I use kids brushes. TWO of them. One baby one that's really narrow for the crowding and one Strawberry Shortcake Reach Kids Toothbrush. SS Crew, representin', dawg. I am also nervous that my brand new toothbrush that The Donor picked up for me after I made him stand in the toothbrush aisle of the drugstore on the phone with me sifting through kids brushes which was totally more horrifying than making him buy me tampons will not work as well as my Strawberry Shortcake Reach toothbrush works. Because I have issues with my teeth.
Why yes, I am a neurotic freak of a mess, why do you ask?
Other than that, I have my hangover cure all ready to go (1 SlimFast, I glass of water, and 2 Midol before you pass out. Works like a charm) I have my Crocs packed just for Kelley and BusyDad, and I, with tears in my eyes, kissed my sweet if not slightly smelly children goodbye before they went to bed tonight.
And now, into the great wide open. With an average toothbrush. See y'all Monday, and please enjoy the guest posts in my absence.
*If you happen to be FROM Fresno, please don't be insulted. A LARGE chunk of my family is from there. Go Fresno State, yo! But seriously, admit it. Buying tinfoil in Fresno is just as hard as finding a virgin on the Disney Channel.
(Did you know the only city I've been to in California is Fresno? True story. Fresno is super awesome if you like meth*. I don't like meth.)
Moving on....
Am I nervous about flying? Hell no. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I piloted an airplane or twenty. Just when it was getting awesome (read; just when my instructor started taking us way up over The Rockies and stalling our Cessna, leaving ME to pull us out of the stall) they asked for my medical history. Did you know they frown upon pilots with two holes in their heart? I couldn't imagine why.
At 4:45 on Friday, I am scheduled to speak in front of 999 people, and Dooce. Am I nervous? Hell no. The best thing about growing up in a cult that likes to proselytize is the endless public speaking training they put you through. I could talk in front of the President, no prob. I know that's not saying much right now. Shut up; you know what I mean.
The rest of the weekend will be spent with those 1,000 people, some of which I know, some I don't. Am I nervous about meeting all these people, putting voices to their fonts? No, not really. I actually do really well in public settings now-a-days. I will sweat like a stuck pig in a sauna before I enter any room, and probably chain smoke when the whole thing's over, but in the thick of it, I can hang just fine. I guarantee you I'm going to pick my nose at some point, and I guarantee you I won't be the only one. Besides, my old next door neighbor will be there, so I know I'm a'ight.
For clarification, I:
- Pick my nose
- Chew my nails
- Stutter when I'm trying to say something dirty
- Say a lot of dirty things when I'm drunk
- Also cry when I'm drunk
- Am not so big into the whole shoe wearing thing
- Never shave far enough down my legs, leaving me with hairy ankles
- Sweat a lot
- Turn red for no reason
- Smoke
- Only really drink shots
- Have a horrid Philadelphia/Mid West hybrid accent
- Chew my hair
- Doodle on everything
- Will pick any underwear I am forced to wear out of my butt all day long
- Will then take it off and shove it in my briefcase after 1 1/2 shots
- Bypassed muffin top and went straight for mushroom cloud top
- Spin my nose ring when not busy picking said nose
There. I feel better. Am I nervous that 1,000 people I don't know, and who I'd really like to read my blog, will see all of that? Actually, no. Wanna know why? Because they all do too.
Wanna know what I am nervous about? I am nervous that I can't find my toothbrush. I have a toothbrush thing. And my good one, my best one, the Holy Grail of Toothbrushes, has gone missing. What is this magical toothbrush, you ask? I'll show you:
Oh, shut up. You don't even know what you're missing out on. See, I got my mother's, well, nothing, and my father's freaking awful pasty skin and his crinkle-cut front bottom teeth. It's crowded in there. No, I don't care that everyone's going to see that, either, it just comes with the territory, but I do worry that Kimmylyn is going to be a little frazzled when she staggers into our bathroom Friday morning and sees a kid's brush. Yes, I use kids brushes. TWO of them. One baby one that's really narrow for the crowding and one Strawberry Shortcake Reach Kids Toothbrush. SS Crew, representin', dawg. I am also nervous that my brand new toothbrush that The Donor picked up for me after I made him stand in the toothbrush aisle of the drugstore on the phone with me sifting through kids brushes which was totally more horrifying than making him buy me tampons will not work as well as my Strawberry Shortcake Reach toothbrush works. Because I have issues with my teeth.
Why yes, I am a neurotic freak of a mess, why do you ask?
Other than that, I have my hangover cure all ready to go (1 SlimFast, I glass of water, and 2 Midol before you pass out. Works like a charm) I have my Crocs packed just for Kelley and BusyDad, and I, with tears in my eyes, kissed my sweet if not slightly smelly children goodbye before they went to bed tonight.
And now, into the great wide open. With an average toothbrush. See y'all Monday, and please enjoy the guest posts in my absence.
*If you happen to be FROM Fresno, please don't be insulted. A LARGE chunk of my family is from there. Go Fresno State, yo! But seriously, admit it. Buying tinfoil in Fresno is just as hard as finding a virgin on the Disney Channel.
Reader Comments (42)
Just make that toothbrush your bitch and you'll be fine. I can't decide whether your honesty is a shock tactic or just plain brave. Either way, REPRESENT. I'm also * *this jealous of three days with no kids, and weeks of blog fodder to come home with.
Seriously chick you need to stop it with the Crocs and I will stop screaming PANTIES.
Truce K?
And I wonder how many bloggers are coming out of the smoking closet today before getting caught at BlogHer? *giggle*
And lastly (cause I am all about the long random comments) remind me to tell you what Boo does with my toothbrushes... I had to buy a new one AGAIN a few days ago.
Kelleys last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MagnetoBoldToo/~3/336600401/" rel="nofollow">I ain’t got no more kidneys to sell…
I was going to be proud of you. I normally always am, anyways. But then you had to go and say Croc. And ooooh, I wonder who the Guest Posters are!?
Zoeyjanes last blog post..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/07/16/settling/" rel="nofollow">Settling
I want to meet you! xo
amys last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Doobleh-vay/~3/337018059/i-don-know-if-i-could-drive-carfast.html" rel="nofollow">I don't know if I could drive a car/Fast enough to get to where you are
"Mushroom cloud top" *snort!* Me too!
I aslo turn red at random times for no apparent reason. All over. And people will come up to me and say "Wow! You sure are sunburned!" and it doesn't matter what I say, they don't believe that I spent the whole weekend inside. Also, if I get the slightest bit warm, drink 2 sips of an alcoholic beverage, or get embarrassed (which happens less than it used to now that my dignity went the way of my flat stomach) I flush bright red. It's so frustrating to have no control over something like that! But I think I'm learning to just accept it. And learn what colours coordinate with red.
I so wish I could attend.............but as you know.......I LIVE in the city that was voted meth capitol of the freaking WORLD not once but "TWICE". Hmmmmm now I'm wondering WTF that has to do with me going to San Fran. Have a great time Lady. Peace, Mike.
Hey girl...I have you in my thoughts this weekend. I hope you knock 'em dead. Have a blast. I can still catch the red eye if you need assistance with shots, IV...even picking your nose. My mushroom cloud is now into one of those horrible wild fungi that grow after a good rain in the summer. I am just a nice blob.
Can't wait to hear your report!
Kats last blog post..http://kackalacka.wordpress.com/2008/07/17/always-a-bridesmaid/" rel="nofollow">Always a bridesmaid…
Oh my gosh.... I too ALWAYS have hairy ankles. LOL.
See you soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ohmommys last blog post..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/07/guest-post-whole-lot-of-nothing.html" rel="nofollow">GUEST POST: A Whole Lot of Nothing
I would totally sit outside and smoke and compare hairy legs and spin nose rings with you.
You are going to have a great time! Knock their socks off!
Adrianes last blog post..http://fleadlure.blogspot.com/2008/07/not-work-safe-pervy-foodie-dream.html" rel="nofollow">Not Work Safe Pervy Foodie Dream
Have fun! I use little kid toothbrushes, too. My jaw doesn't open wide enough and i can't ever reach the back with a normal one. Right now I have a semi-cool Crayola one that looks like a crayon, but before that I had a really cool Dr. Suess's Thing One and Thing Two toothbrush. Totally cool, and my daughter kept stealing it from me.
Lyndseys last blog post..http://whyifailedmath.blogspot.com/2008/07/my-biggest-girl.html" rel="nofollow">My biggest girl
I hope you have a great time, Mr. Lady.
So what happens after mushroom cloud top? Because I've got whatever that is.
*sniff, sniff* (wiping tears from eyes)
Bye, my hairy-ankled, croc-wearing, nose-picking, sweaty, red-faced gal! I'll miss you. You'll rock this gig.
Latte Mommys last blog post..http://lattemommy.blogspot.com/2008/07/is-it-defect-on-y-chromosome.html" rel="nofollow">Is it a Defect on the Y-chromosome?
After reading that list ... I'd love to hang out with you - haha.
I'd love to see video of you speaking.
Wow, I hope you have a blast and those of us that aren't there in San Francisco will miss you.
Allie Bears last blog post..http://fridaynightambulance.blogspot.com/2008/07/so-cool.html" rel="nofollow">So cool.
I am SO envious! I wish I was going! Yeah-we ALL do those things, no prob, but I get you on the toothbrush thing. Mine is a SonicCare battery operted toothbrush that I got free to try out from being a Buzz Agent, And I love it; it is my best friend. I hope the others you got work just as well. Hope you have a GREAT time!
Koris last blog post..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/07/girls-and-their-friends.html" rel="nofollow">Girls and Their Friends
I'm cracking up cuz I just did a post on how frickin' hard it is to buy children's toothbrushes! I hope you have an AWESOME time and I am so sad that I don't get to meet you and the rest of the fab women that will be there!
amys last blog post..http://amysbratpack.blogspot.com/2008/07/pyromania-must-run-in-blood.html" rel="nofollow">Pyromania must run in the blood
Ha ha...virgin on the Disney Channel. Have a great conference!
Colleen - Mommy Always Winss last blog post..http://mommyalwayswins.blogspot.com/2008/07/my-baby-taint-baby-no-more.html" rel="nofollow">My baby t'ain't a baby no more
Thank you for thinking of me. But you know, I think I could overlook the crocs because you don't like to wear... shoes.
HAVE A BLAST!
BusyDads last blog post..http://www.busydadblog.com/entries/sniff.html" rel="nofollow">*Sniff*
Please have fun for me! You deserve it!
Good luck, Mr Lady. I'm sure you will steal the show!
BTW, Its only another 5 hour drive to Los Angeles from San Fran. I was thinking I could give you, like, 10 bucks or something to drive down and potty train my kid. ;)
Have a good time.
matts last blog post..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/07/13/my-husband-is-famous/" rel="nofollow">My Husband Is Famous!
She was your next door neighbor? Is that why I keep saying she and her kid seem so familiar? Maybe I met her once in passing? I've been lurking there a while and want to talk to her but I think I'm not cool enoguh for her. :)
Hey good luck! Not into the Blogher thing much but wish I could be there jsut to watch you in action.
I just want to know, do you ever combine those bad habits?
Like chewing on your unshaven ankle hair?
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/07/wwxvi.html" rel="nofollow">WWXVI
Did you remember to pack your SpongeBob bubble gum flavored toothpaste and your Looney Tunes mulit-vitamins? Maybe next time you could challenge Joeprah to an ankle hair braid off. Just let it grow, is all. If it gets too long you could always buy a pair of Crocs and tuck it in there.
Have Fun!
Have an awesome time and be safe!
Ashleys last blog post..http://www.bosssanders.com/2008/07/17/proof-of-her-necklace-fetish-at-15-months/" rel="nofollow">Proof of her necklace fetish (at 15 months)
See you on Sunday, babe!
Leslie Dillingers last blog post..http://thehipolounge.blogspot.com/2008/04/reunion-of-known-and-unknown-that-there.html" rel="nofollow">
I SO wish I were going...can't wait to hear all about it!
Tammys last blog post..http://thopgood-mylife.blogspot.com/2008/07/typical-day.html" rel="nofollow">A typical day....
I'm so sorry I'll miss you speaking!! You're going to kill. Please don't wear the Crocs on stage.
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)s last blog post..http://missivesfromsuburbia.blogspot.com/2008/07/sometimes-im-here-sometimes-im-there.html" rel="nofollow">Sometimes I'm Here, Sometimes I'm There
Duuuuuuude. I'm missing you so much already that I'm leaving you little presents on my blog. Just to be sure you come back to me, you know. After rubbing shoulders with all the big-timers at BlogHer and all... ;)
Latte Mommys last blog post..http://lattemommy.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-blush.html" rel="nofollow">I Blush
After the mushroom cloud comes the avalanche of saggy boobs hitting the top o' ya pants.
(Or so I hear.....gulp.)
Have fun, MrLady!
christys last blog post..http://thesouloneverypath.blogspot.com/2008/07/thats-lot-of-nerve-you-have-there-for.html" rel="nofollow">That's a lot of nerve you have there for someone with no feelings
Do you know what I would do to be bunking in that room?!! Please dream of me.
Momo Falis last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Momo-Fali/~3/338965249/whats-in-name.html" rel="nofollow">What's In A Name?
You will be missed! Can't wait to hear after stories!
tenakims last blog post..http://therapyfortena.blogspot.com/2008/07/bondage-and-spreading-love.html" rel="nofollow">Bondage and spreading love!
I shouldn't have read this. Now I'm combination bawling in my head (because I can't come see you be awesome in public at BH) and also laughing my ass off at how hilarious you really, truly are. Maybe, just maybe, if I met you in person, some of your funnyazzness would rub off on me. I mean, that's a longshot, but seriously...
Good luck. Not like you need it. The Dooce is in for a surprise when she sees you up on stage. Fo reals. You're her ultimate rival. (And ultimate conquerer in the blog hilarity battle.) Well, in my head, aiight?
Have a blast. I know you will.
And next year...I'll be seein' ya!
flickrlovrs last blog post..http://idblogthaton.blogspot.com/2008/07/what-plurk-man.html" rel="nofollow">What The Plurk, Man?
I forgot to tell you...I gave you an award over at my place: http://idblogthaton.blogspot.com/2008/07/first-annual-ibt-awards.html
Head on over to pick it up when you get back!
flickrlovrs last blog post..http://idblogthaton.blogspot.com/2008/07/first-annual-ibt-awards.html" rel="nofollow">The First Annual IBT Awards
Good luck and "wow" all 999 of them. And Dooce. Flying not so bad. I just flew my 11th flight in 20 days yesterday. I was only terrified once.
VegasDads last blog post..http://ivegasfamily.blogspot.com/2008/07/fill-er-up-friday-71808.html" rel="nofollow">fill 'er up friday: 7.18.08
I'm listening to you speak right now. And crying along with you. You are a very brave and strong woman.
I was lucky enough to hear you speak at the keynote tonight. Thank you. You are brave, and beautiful, and I look forward to reading more from you.
BipolarLawyerCooks last blog post..http://bipolarlawyercook.com/2008/07/18/romper-room/" rel="nofollow">Romper Room
Just wanted to say that your reading in the keynote today was truly touching and amazing. I'm so glad you were willing to share such a personal story.
Debbie
Debbies last blog post..http://feeds.deliciousbaby.com/~r/DeliciousBaby/~3/337820396/" rel="nofollow">How Do You Remember Your Trips?
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your keynote last night was fabulous. My favorite kind of blogging is people who share so authentically from their life -- people who touch my heart. You are an inspiration to me, especially as I work my way towards seeing that asking for help and support is a sign of strength and not weakness.
yertles last blog post..http://yertle.blogspot.com/2008/07/gratitude-6365.html" rel="nofollow">Gratitude (6/365)
You are too funny. I am so glad that we had a chance to meet at BlogHer08.
We'll have to hang out tonight at the Macy's gig.
Shannanb aka Mommy Bitss last blog post..http://mommybits.blogspot.com/2008/07/tasty-treat-at-blogher.html" rel="nofollow">A Tasty Treat at BlogHer
I miss you.
I miss your toothbrush that you are so generous with.
I miss your crocs.
I miss your "ya know"
I miss you.
giggle giggle.
Kims last blog post..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/7/19/blogher-part-one.html" rel="nofollow">BlogHer - Part One
You are hilarious! Glad to hear (and see) what a wonderful time you all had.
Love it!
I'm not a mom...I'm a dad, but who gives a damn when your posts are so good.
It's nice to actually hear (see?/read?) a woman who says she picks her nose!
Great blog.