Wednesday
Jul232008
Avoidance Behavior
Wednesday, July 23, 2008 at 6:21AM | Mr Lady
See, I am supposed to be talking about my little weekend getaway still, because yeah....there's some unfinished business there, but I'm not ready just yet. As Jane the Sane so beautifully put it, I've gone all Rainbow Brite on crack for a few days. I am in love with Every. Single. Person. In. The. Whole. Wide. World. Specifically, everyone in The Grand Ballroom of the Westin St. Francis Friday last. Really, if you were there, and you are reading this, I would really like to stick my tongue down your throat and wiggle it around ever so slightly.
Unfortunately, Brainy Smurf over here packed 27 shades of eye-shadow, 15 hair products, 3 dresses, 2 hairbrushes, and 0 cameras. Did you know that there are several pictures on FlickR, and that sifting through them for ones to steal borrow is the slightest bit time consuming? Who'da thunk it? (PS: If you happen to have any that I am in, my email is heymrlady at gmail dot com and if you send them to me, I'll promise to never ever make you cry in public again. EVER.)
Long story short, we're not discussing that just yet. So, dammit, I have to find something ELSE to talk about. Let's start with my insane child, shall we?
Do any of you have two year old girls? Two going on three very soon would do. Riddle me this; are they all neurotic freaks? Here's the thing: I gave the kid her bottle back. Shut up. I gave her the bottle back, because it's her One True Love, but she doesn't just take the bottle and drink it. She has to PERFECTLY align the label on the bottle to her mouth. We toy with this, thinking it's just been a 34 month long fluke. We hand it to her with the ounces side facing one way or the other, and every single bloody time she takes it, she turns it so that Avent is right under her lips. Today I upped the ante by replacing the bottle nipple with the pop-in sippy cup nipples they make (best invention ever, btw) and they OF COURSE will not line up. That obsessive compulsive fuddy duddy spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to make it work, and then told me her bottle was Bwoken. Seriously, this cannot be either normal nor an excellent sign of things to come.
She also follows me around the house, closing cabinet doors behind me. I am 99% sure her father taught her this trick, to shame me, just as he taught his sons that 'You can give momma a wedgie in the front!' Long story, another day.
And because I am the shittiest mother to grace God's good earth, this child has no concept of Getting In Trouble and cannot handle it when it happens. On the rare occasion that I decide to play mommy, it goes a little something like this:
Me: 3of3! No! No writing on the couch with Sharpie Smearing black lipstick all over the bathroom Using an entire bottle of Windex on the houseplants Sticking that *whatever* up your hootchie cootchie Eating entire pounds of butter!
Her: Waaaaaaa! Momma, I hunry!
Me: No you're not. You have half a sandwich IN YOUR MOUTH.
Her: Momma, I too hot!
Me: It's 50 degrees out.
Her: Momma, I too cold.
Me: You are under a blanket, fool.
Her: Momma, I too small!
Me: You reached the Sharpies just fine.
Her: Momma, I meed wash my hans!
Me: You're in the bubble bath.
Her: Momma, I meed bubble baf!
Me: You're IN THE BUBBLE BATH.
Her: Momma, I sweepy.
Me: You've been awake for 35 seconds.
Her: Momma, why you hurt me?
Me: I'm calling you from San Francisco.
Her: Momma, no screaming! You HEAR me?
Me: Donor! (for the few new kids here, we call dad The Donor. It'll grow on you)
Tell me that whole song and dance isn't the slightest bit Freudian.
You know when you're cooped up for a few years months weeks with your kids and then, by the grace of god, someone lets you get away from them for a few hours, and you come home all anxious to see them and pumped and primed to be the Greatest Mother Alive! ? Yeah, that lasted for all of 12 hours. My kids were Double Grounded on my first day back. I imagine they just plum forgot that mom doesn't always take kindly to one kid smashing the other kids face into the carpet while the smashed kid whacks the smashing kid in the back of the head with a baseball bat.
Whatever. It's an easy thing to forget, I suppose.
I did come home to the World's Cleanest House. Those of you who have been reading around here for a while have heard some rather jaded (read; straight up snake venom) come out of my mouth about The Donor. Well, let me tell you something I haven't before...that man keeps a house the way Alice the Maid (aka Mr Brady's little afternoon delight, I'm betting. Minx, that one) only wishes she could have. My man? Can clean circles around me. And if you don't think that's the single hottest quality a man can possess, well, you're just deluding yourself. I have never, EVER, been so attracted to him in my whole life as I was the day I got home. In 4 days, he dug me out of a very large hole that I had worked months on getting myself into (even matched the three separate grocery bags I had full of 'unmatched' socks hidden in three separate locations) and I am currently accepting wagers on how quickly I will be undoing all the good he did. Starting bid is whatever a maid service charges for one full days work. Or a hooker. 'Cause I'm going to either have to clean or keep him so busy he won't notice.
One last thing before I go; If you're planning on being in Denver around the Democratic National Convention, well, um, we're kind of throwing you a party after Obama's speech and since we've had some technical difficulties on the Business end of the deal, David and I are starting from scratch. So, yeah, I need a head count. Who wants to come get all silly drunk either toasting Obama or drowning their sorrows? I KNOW BlogHer's coming in full effect, and I'd better see all your shining faces at our party that night.
I'll totally be there. In a black little low cut number. And a bar. With BOOZE. Just sayin'.
There. Sufficiently dodged another bullet. Whew.
Unfortunately, Brainy Smurf over here packed 27 shades of eye-shadow, 15 hair products, 3 dresses, 2 hairbrushes, and 0 cameras. Did you know that there are several pictures on FlickR, and that sifting through them for ones to steal borrow is the slightest bit time consuming? Who'da thunk it? (PS: If you happen to have any that I am in, my email is heymrlady at gmail dot com and if you send them to me, I'll promise to never ever make you cry in public again. EVER.)
Long story short, we're not discussing that just yet. So, dammit, I have to find something ELSE to talk about. Let's start with my insane child, shall we?
Do any of you have two year old girls? Two going on three very soon would do. Riddle me this; are they all neurotic freaks? Here's the thing: I gave the kid her bottle back. Shut up. I gave her the bottle back, because it's her One True Love, but she doesn't just take the bottle and drink it. She has to PERFECTLY align the label on the bottle to her mouth. We toy with this, thinking it's just been a 34 month long fluke. We hand it to her with the ounces side facing one way or the other, and every single bloody time she takes it, she turns it so that Avent is right under her lips. Today I upped the ante by replacing the bottle nipple with the pop-in sippy cup nipples they make (best invention ever, btw) and they OF COURSE will not line up. That obsessive compulsive fuddy duddy spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to make it work, and then told me her bottle was Bwoken. Seriously, this cannot be either normal nor an excellent sign of things to come.
She also follows me around the house, closing cabinet doors behind me. I am 99% sure her father taught her this trick, to shame me, just as he taught his sons that 'You can give momma a wedgie in the front!' Long story, another day.
And because I am the shittiest mother to grace God's good earth, this child has no concept of Getting In Trouble and cannot handle it when it happens. On the rare occasion that I decide to play mommy, it goes a little something like this:
Me: 3of3! No! No writing on the couch with Sharpie Smearing black lipstick all over the bathroom Using an entire bottle of Windex on the houseplants Sticking that *whatever* up your hootchie cootchie Eating entire pounds of butter!
Her: Waaaaaaa! Momma, I hunry!
Me: No you're not. You have half a sandwich IN YOUR MOUTH.
Her: Momma, I too hot!
Me: It's 50 degrees out.
Her: Momma, I too cold.
Me: You are under a blanket, fool.
Her: Momma, I too small!
Me: You reached the Sharpies just fine.
Her: Momma, I meed wash my hans!
Me: You're in the bubble bath.
Her: Momma, I meed bubble baf!
Me: You're IN THE BUBBLE BATH.
Her: Momma, I sweepy.
Me: You've been awake for 35 seconds.
Her: Momma, why you hurt me?
Me: I'm calling you from San Francisco.
Her: Momma, no screaming! You HEAR me?
Me: Donor! (for the few new kids here, we call dad The Donor. It'll grow on you)
Tell me that whole song and dance isn't the slightest bit Freudian.
You know when you're cooped up for a few years months weeks with your kids and then, by the grace of god, someone lets you get away from them for a few hours, and you come home all anxious to see them and pumped and primed to be the Greatest Mother Alive! ? Yeah, that lasted for all of 12 hours. My kids were Double Grounded on my first day back. I imagine they just plum forgot that mom doesn't always take kindly to one kid smashing the other kids face into the carpet while the smashed kid whacks the smashing kid in the back of the head with a baseball bat.
Whatever. It's an easy thing to forget, I suppose.
I did come home to the World's Cleanest House. Those of you who have been reading around here for a while have heard some rather jaded (read; straight up snake venom) come out of my mouth about The Donor. Well, let me tell you something I haven't before...that man keeps a house the way Alice the Maid (aka Mr Brady's little afternoon delight, I'm betting. Minx, that one) only wishes she could have. My man? Can clean circles around me. And if you don't think that's the single hottest quality a man can possess, well, you're just deluding yourself. I have never, EVER, been so attracted to him in my whole life as I was the day I got home. In 4 days, he dug me out of a very large hole that I had worked months on getting myself into (even matched the three separate grocery bags I had full of 'unmatched' socks hidden in three separate locations) and I am currently accepting wagers on how quickly I will be undoing all the good he did. Starting bid is whatever a maid service charges for one full days work. Or a hooker. 'Cause I'm going to either have to clean or keep him so busy he won't notice.
One last thing before I go; If you're planning on being in Denver around the Democratic National Convention, well, um, we're kind of throwing you a party after Obama's speech and since we've had some technical difficulties on the Business end of the deal, David and I are starting from scratch. So, yeah, I need a head count. Who wants to come get all silly drunk either toasting Obama or drowning their sorrows? I KNOW BlogHer's coming in full effect, and I'd better see all your shining faces at our party that night.
I'll totally be there. In a black little low cut number. And a bar. With BOOZE. Just sayin'.
There. Sufficiently dodged another bullet. Whew.
Reader Comments (58)
This is the exact reason that I started grounding and screaming at Isobel while she was still gestating. Obviously after more than two years of that - I started when she was minus half a year old - I don't get no arguments when I tell her to stop kidnapping neighbourhood pets and torturing them with fire and knives. She just finishes off the current one and buys the next victim from the store.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/07/23/what-do-you-people-want-from-me/" rel="nofollow">What do you people want from me?
The Donor Here,
Just to let everyone know, the kids were grounded for about an hour. After they did their penance (chores), they were let out to run free. I love Mr. Lady more than anyone will ever know, but punishment is not her strong suit.
The best thing about this? Is that he's so pussy-whipped he doesn't realize that he's been married to me (almost) every day for 13 years. Punishment isn't my strong suit? PSHAW.
My daughter is 39 months- that's a little over 3- close to 3 of 3- she's a total fucking freak- I adore her, but a freak, nonetheless! She must have the same lunch that sits on the plate the same way. She only wears crocs on the wrong feet. Everytime she goes potty, she comes out pantsless- because 'she's hot'. She must be read 'The Grinch who stole Christmas' each night. The pillows must be in the right place and in the right direction on her bed. These are just a few that come to mind at 4:30AM. I used to be concerned that she was so dependant on her routine, that maybe she was autistic- my dr. confirmed she is just a freak. As she got older though, I have noticed it getting better- believe it or not! She used to completely go apeshit when something wasn't just so- she's gotten much better!
tenakims last blog post..http://therapyfortena.blogspot.com/2008/07/sleep-is-overrated.html" rel="nofollow">Sleep is overrated
oh yeah and congrats on your sexy sock separating donor! I got pretty hot thinking about that!
Totally jealous of your time at the Westin. My husband sorted socks by buying a huge Glad bag and putting each individual person's socks in a smaller 2 gallon bag within the obnoxiously huge bag. It floats around from closet to closet. It needs to float out into the larger trash can and out to the front curb. Lining up the bottle/sippy cup? My husband and I are both engineers. That would be considered within the range of normalcy. My children line up things on a regular basis. I used to arrange my french toast pieces into a perfect circle before consumption. On the bright side, now that they are 5 & 3, they are pretty good at sorting socks, if properly motivated (which is tricky).
Ha! I do the same thing when I travel...come back home, all ready to be patient and do arts and crafts and shit, and find myself completely overwhelmed in the first eight minutes.
And my girl has only gotten MORE neurotic as she's gotten older.
I have a two-year-old girl and she's a nut job, too. I guess it comes with the territory.
I was one of the the people who cried and then stood up for you at the end of your reading last week. You've got more courage than I've ever seen in anybody, lady. I was in awe.
I can't wait to hear what you have to say about the experience once you're ready to write about it.
Both my daughters are manipulative little spawn. It starts when they're little. If they start little then you get used to it and don't want to leave them in the country and drive away when they turn ten. That's my theory.
My second eldest child who's now 7? When he was two he lined up cars. Of the same colour. All over the freaking house. Clasic autism sign, but he had no problem with eye contact and was very affectionet with lots of cuddles etc, so no worries there. Like your girl, he's just a freak.
He's not QUITE as bad now... He's jolly good at building - lego, magnetics etc though, he just sits there and works and works at. And he's very artistic and creative, so maybe he just redirected.
It's not just girls....
omg, wanting to be worlds best mom - yeah, that didn't so much last here either.
Eh, L is only 15 mos and the only things she's neurotic about is messing up everything I cleaned (or that's my excuse anyway)...that, and bananas. So, I'm absolutely NO help. That, and she's not 2. Or 3.
Sounds like a nice party. Wish it wasn't going to be across the country, otherwise I'd be there!
okay, this post was cute as your daughter sounds like you. and that makes it funny for me because that is what happens between my me and my daughter.
Butt......and It's a big butt like my butt.....
I have just cried over your post that you read at blogher. Don Diva Mills linked it. I cried and cried because right now I am on so many meds that make me happy that it is crazy. Because of the stupid hysterectomy and then the fibromylgia I have been through hell and back. And the the coming back from hell is always the hard part because I would rather hunker down and avoid life.
So, not going sappy....because I won the Picnik upgrade from Ohmommy and today I am just gonna be happy.
But I wanted to tell you how good it felt to realize that I am not alone. It's not good that you have been through this....but good because I am not alone......um.....yeah, I sound like a selfish bitch now so I'm just gonna shut the f up.
I gave up on mother of the year on the first contraction.
I miss you.
Kims last blog post..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/7/23/some-milk-a-three-year-old-nuts.html" rel="nofollow">Some Milk a Three Year Old & Nuts
And my new boyfriend thought it was weird that I went all weak-kneed after I watched him do the dishes. Pfft. Men.
Jamies last blog post..http://daliclocks.blogspot.com/2008/07/wednesday-typing-day-idea-day.html" rel="nofollow">Wednesday, Typing Day, Idea Day!
I love this post. My daughter is now five and wears lip gloss like it is her life force. And hell hath no furry like a diva whose hair won't do. Thanks for the laugh - the "playing mommy" conversation is hilarious.
PS I would kill for a house-cleaning husband. The sock basket is a dream, but I'd settle for the olive pitts to hit the TRASH CAN.
My neighbor's child is 3y, 1mo. old and she is a holy terror. She's been a holy terror for the 6 months I've known her. She shrieks if she doesn't get her way. She misbehaves on purpose, just to get a reaction. She is contrary and willful. Once, she peed on her bed on purpose, because her mother put her in time out in her room.
I hope, for my neighbor's sake, she grows out of it. And I hope to god I never have a girl.
Oh My God girl, you are so freaking funny! Have I told you about Ariana? And sharpies?? I can't get the pictures off her door she drew, and she has been known to color her freaking LIPS with red marker, or her EYE LIDS!!!!! It just has to wear the hell off. It drives me freaking crazy!
And if I came home to a clean house EVER, my husband would be hurting by the next morning. HURTING I tell ya, cause I totally understand what you're saying.
My nephew likes to point out dirty spots on the floor. I hand him the broom. He rather enjoys it though at the age of two it's a bit big for him. He'll manage.
Coming home to a clean house is awesome.
Am I MotY if your 'sick' kid watches Max & Ruby on a loop? Cause, it's kind of numbing my brain.
Yes, it is MotY to count crackers as dinner.
Neurosis, thy name is toddler. Until it becomes preschooler.
And, bring the Donor over the next time you come - he can clean my house next. It needs it.
Think my family would miss me if I went to Denver at the end of August? They don't need me really, do they?
I still think you need to move to Atlanta!
Love U 2 Much!..ok maybe not 2 Much!...maybe I should love you more?...Ok, I love you MORE!
I really covet your husband. And so yeah, I know I am going to hell for it, I really, really do, but I still covet him. To have all the socks matched? Heaven. and clean? You bet. And to have it for one day look like a normal mom's house must look? i think I just had an orgasm. Please. Just a day.
Koris last blog post..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/07/no-drama-today.html" rel="nofollow">No Drama Today
Well, I've had a 2 year old daughter before, so I can say from experience that they are neurotic freaks indeed. And they NEVER outgrow it. At least not by the time they hit 5.
AmyMs last blog post..http://amysmagnumopus.wordpress.com/2008/07/24/the-downward-spiral-story-part-3/" rel="nofollow">The Downward Spiral Story, Part 3
HAHA I loved the "You're already under the blanket, fool". LMAO I have a 4 year old boy who is hyped out of his mind so I have no advice to give you. I WOULD take advice from you on how to deal with a soon to be 5 year old. LOL Yes I just said I want advice from YOU!
My oldest daughters are 10 & 11 and I am STILL waiting for them to out grow the neurotic freak stage, I am guessing it will happen when they are my age and they have their own neurotic freak kids.
If I ever came home to a clean house with mismatched socks matched, I would faint and then give my hubby the biggest baddest blow job in the world and he wouldn't be able to walk for days but I am safe in the knowledge that there is no way in hell I would ever have to do that...
Wow, that makes my little neurotic complexes seem so normal. It's probably a sign that she's brilliant or something. ;) You are very lucky to have a husband who helps out like that, I hope I have one of those someday.
You're right. A man cleaning like is totally HOT! In my house we call it foreplay, because there is no way I can keep myself from molesting him when he does that.
On another note, does the 2 year old get her OCD tendencies form him?
My two year old will be three Dec. 26th and whilst she never had a bottle (I'm almost regretting that now) she is STILL nursing and it's making me NUTS! And she's very obssessive about how she nurses - from the side to where we are. It drives me insane. Thankfully she only nurses once or twice a day. I knew I was in trouble, shortly after her birth when she would whip her head around to watch Monk. Yeah, she's got issues! So um yeah, she is most definitely a neurotic freak.
Our hubby's are similar too. All I have to do is go grocery shopping and I come home and the dishes are done and laundry swapped around. Now if I could just get him to FOLD it, it would be bliss!
So cool that you came by. You did it so fast too. I feel like a superstar!
Seriously, check out Do It Yourself Car Repairs for a good laugh (it's in July, not June, sorry).
I need to start ordering some Billy Mays products...
Speaking of frontside wedgies, Fury asked me the other day "Dad, how come girls' bums go all the way to the front?"
Hee hee, sounds like you're having fun with them :) Wait til they get to 4!!!
And I'm still getting over how impressed I am with Donor, and his cleaning abilities.
Oh my GOD! I am dying over here. I can TOTALLY Relate. I have a 3 1/2 year old boy BUT he is neurotic as well. And no I won't get on you for the bottle. Shoot we just got rid of binky 6 months ago. I have NO place to say a word.
And yeah I mis my kid like crazy when on vacation and when I walk in the door the loving ness does not last. At all.
Wonder why?
Gah! I wanna go to Denver! It won't happen though.
I have no idea about your daughter even though I (ironically) just wrote a post about obsessive compulsive behavior (which, I know, you were using it in jest and don't really think that's what it is. Or maybe you do. I don't know. I'm going to shut up right now because my last post done took all of my brain power and I sound like a dunce). I think it's really endearing, but of course, I'm not dealing with it.
My son never did anything with his bottle, but he sure did learn to flip his eyelids up at two, not neurotic, but...odd, seeing as NOBODY ELSE WE KNOW does that. He can't do it anymore. Score one for mom!
Suckiest and least useful comment ever. It's seriously supposed to sound light-hearted, but it's not coming out that way. Sorry 'bout that. Leaving now....
Ha Ha! The Donors comment cracked me up. I bet when they're REALLY in trouble, you get out the feather duster and give 'em a real whoopin'! Ow Mommy! Stop! It tickles!
My niece is going to be 3 in October. And you just kind of described her perfectly. Well, minus the OCD bottle thing. (That is so something I would do, though.)
My niece is just the funniest, cutest thing and then she throws a TAN. TRUM. And I'm all "what can we do to make her shut her face? Cookies? Popsicles? RUM? WHAT?!?!?"
Kristabellas last blog post..http://fullofsnark.com/2008/07/24/insignificant/" rel="nofollow">Insignificant
I so wish my hubby were the slightest bit of a cleaner - he'd get more nooky that way.
And it could be worse (re: your daughter). You could have a 3 1/2 yo boy who insists on touching his penis CONSTANTLY. But wait - sounds like you might have had two of those. (What's with that?!?)
Colleen - Mommy Always Winss last blog post..http://mommyalwayswins.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-think-im-turning-into-girl.html" rel="nofollow">I think I'm turning into a GIRL.
Hey Mr. Lady, it was good to meet you after you humped several of the ladies I was rollin' with. Will you give me some eyeshadow lessons because your makeup was so lovely.
Assertagirls last blog post..http://www.assertagirl.com/?p=886" rel="nofollow">The swirling.
LMAO. I have a 2 year old boy, The Boy. Not the same, but says the same things. You'll get through it. :)
And, you'll probably be flipping me off. Which I do not approve of.
Rhis last blog post..http://rhiinpink.com/blog/?p=335" rel="nofollow">This post is not about BlogHer, but rather my kidneys
Just stop listening to her!
I will be drinking and celebrating as well come Obama's speech. Oh, and there's another party in 180 days when W leaves office...no matter WHO wins in November!!
Aprils last blog post..http://formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com/2008/07/199th-post.html" rel="nofollow">199th Post
My three-and-a-half year old sorts Barbie shoes. And markers. And has been known to slap offending mis-matched outfits out of her fathers hand, all the while glaring and saying things like 'Daddy! I don't wear THAT!'
It's scary.
So, you know, this is going to take a while for her to grow out of.......
I want to come get all silly drunk. Stupid nation in between here and there though.
Momo Falis last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Momo-Fali/~3/344686622/stuck-in-middle.html" rel="nofollow">Stuck In The Middle
Wow your coming to Denver. Count me in at the bar. Do you have a when and where yet for that? Are you doing another road trip or flying?
Are you saying you are going to BE here? In person?
I am so not a donkey (or an elephant) but I'm wiping off drool at the thought of you in a little black dress. I may just have to pretend that I have a clue about social graces and networking just to see you. Email me the scoop, k?
When was the last time you saw someone at high school graduation with a bottle in their mouth? A baby bottle, I mean, not me with the Jack Daniels...
I love that she's OCD enough to drive you crazy. Cuz then I get to read about it!
Susans last blog post..http://stopcallingmethat.blogspot.com/2008/07/and-gay-time-was-had-by-all.html" rel="nofollow">And A Gay Time Was Had By All
The longer you go without discussing BlogHer means the longer I can get away with totally forgetting any awkward things I might have said while drunk. By the way, you are like the friendliest person ever. I mean every time I saw you I just wanted to go up and talk to you or smile at you from across the room. Which I totally did. You are so lovely.
Heather B.s last blog post..http://nopasanada.org/2008/07/24/just-in-time-for-vacation/" rel="nofollow">Just in time for vacation!
I wanna go. :(
My lil munchkin will be turning 2 on the 11th. Her current favorite word is "No!". If you tell her no, she screams and hides under her bed. And I know it's just the beginning. Everything is hers (she has the book, "Mine-o-Saur"...she likes the "mine! mine! mine!" part) I just hope I survive this stage!
beautifulmesss last blog post..http://beautifulmess04.blogspot.com/2008/07/yummy-goodness.html" rel="nofollow">yummy goodness!!
Bink will be two in a few weeks, and yeh, she may be mildly OCD. To be fair, her father IS mildly autistic and more than mildly OCD, so she may just be mimicking some of his oddities.
But yeah... there's nothing sexier than a man who smells like good old Lysol.
And if you're really going to be in Denver next month, PUT ME ON YOUR LIST!