;)
Tuesday
Jul082008
Double Whammy
Tuesday, July 8, 2008 at 1:41PM
First:
Somewhere in the uncharted backwaters of a city in Delaware, a woman sits, most likely playing Tetris on the internet. The woman, herself, is of very little importance to this story. Inside that woman is a little pink sack, a pocket if you will, and on the wall of that sack, carved in sharpened bits of umbilical cord, reads the following words:
Mr Lady. Out. 3.20.75.
Directly above that, if you were to look, you'd also see this:
E.C. was here. Born to raise hell 7.8.73
No, Eric Clapton is not my brother. This clown is. We'll call him Gnilleps, okay?
First-born child to the nightmarish debacle that was the reproductive team of Mr Lady's parents, my brother is 20 months my senior, stands about a foot taller than I do, has red hair, play video games, has attended more college than he ever did public school, and is a big fat copy-cat.
I have 3 kids. Guess who also has 3 kids? My husband is 35. Guess who just had to go and turn 35 today? Whatever, hosehead.
Sometimes when my kids achieve ludicrous speed, The Donor will ask me, "Where do they get that from? YOU? Gnilleps?" And I honestly don't know. I don't remember much about him growing up. We kind of lived in, well, a warzone? It was every man for himself. Sibling bonds were not forged. I do remember than when we weren't pitted against each other in a battle to the death, I totally looked up to him. Even when he:
You know, normal older brother stuff. Here's the deal; my older brother is the smartest human, by far, I have ever met and he was, as a child, a lot like The Brain. Guess who was his Pinky? He was seriously less than challenged growing up and he just made the best of it.
My favorite memory of my brother, one of my only memories of him actually, is one night when he was in his room, and I mine, and we realized that the phone jack in the wall in between our rooms had never been wired, and that once we took the jack cover off we could totally talk to each other all super-secret-like through that hole in the wall. We sat up all night gabbing through it. I couldn't fathom a guess as to what we talked about, but I remember that we did it. I had never felt so special in my whole life.
That's the thing with my brother. He's a clown. He's outrageous. He dyes his hair pink occasionally. But, when he wants to, he can make you feel like One Million Bucks. He's genuine, he's unique, he is unabashedly unafraid, and he is true to who he his.
We never had that relationship where we say I love you and I miss you and stuff. We never really had any relationship, truth be told, but that wasn't our fault and now that I am all grown up and I can choose for myself? Yeah, I choose him to be my big brother. I love that guy, man. He's an amazing uncle, a bang up husband, a fabulous dad. He's smart and funny and I am so proud of him, watching him grow from a fucked up little kid into a man you'd want to will your children to. He rose above, yo. Better than I could have ever hoped to, for sure.
So, Gnilleps, happy 35th birthday, you old fuck. Your bottle of Geritol and your Bing Crosby albums are in the post. Because I love you.
Second:
Today is also the birthday of someone else quite important to me, and I'm just not going into that, but I am going to tell you a joke the kids' godfather once told me, and my willingness to repeating it , especially today, is quite possibly the reason I'm going to hell.
Somewhere in the uncharted backwaters of a city in Delaware, a woman sits, most likely playing Tetris on the internet. The woman, herself, is of very little importance to this story. Inside that woman is a little pink sack, a pocket if you will, and on the wall of that sack, carved in sharpened bits of umbilical cord, reads the following words:
Mr Lady. Out. 3.20.75.
Directly above that, if you were to look, you'd also see this:
E.C. was here. Born to raise hell 7.8.73
No, Eric Clapton is not my brother. This clown is. We'll call him Gnilleps, okay?
First-born child to the nightmarish debacle that was the reproductive team of Mr Lady's parents, my brother is 20 months my senior, stands about a foot taller than I do, has red hair, play video games, has attended more college than he ever did public school, and is a big fat copy-cat.
I have 3 kids. Guess who also has 3 kids? My husband is 35. Guess who just had to go and turn 35 today? Whatever, hosehead.
Sometimes when my kids achieve ludicrous speed, The Donor will ask me, "Where do they get that from? YOU? Gnilleps?" And I honestly don't know. I don't remember much about him growing up. We kind of lived in, well, a warzone? It was every man for himself. Sibling bonds were not forged. I do remember than when we weren't pitted against each other in a battle to the death, I totally looked up to him. Even when he:
- Duct taped us to the bed while we slept, and duct taped out mouths shut so no one would hear us scream
- Rolled us up in blankets and then shoved us down the wooden staircase
- Hid Playboys in the attic, and laced the entrance to the attic with Sudafed, knowing we'd find them and think they were Red Hot Candies and eat them all
- Tried to build a bomb practice chemistry in the kitchen
- Dropped our brother on his head so hard he had seizures for a few years after (honestly, I did the same thing to our sister. Eveies.)
- Attempted to talk me into jumping out of the 2nd story bedroom window
- Shattered my 4 year old right arm in the process
- Convinced me to take the wrap for drinking all the cherry juice, which doesn't sound like a big deal to you, but I know and he knows....
You know, normal older brother stuff. Here's the deal; my older brother is the smartest human, by far, I have ever met and he was, as a child, a lot like The Brain. Guess who was his Pinky? He was seriously less than challenged growing up and he just made the best of it.My favorite memory of my brother, one of my only memories of him actually, is one night when he was in his room, and I mine, and we realized that the phone jack in the wall in between our rooms had never been wired, and that once we took the jack cover off we could totally talk to each other all super-secret-like through that hole in the wall. We sat up all night gabbing through it. I couldn't fathom a guess as to what we talked about, but I remember that we did it. I had never felt so special in my whole life.
That's the thing with my brother. He's a clown. He's outrageous. He dyes his hair pink occasionally. But, when he wants to, he can make you feel like One Million Bucks. He's genuine, he's unique, he is unabashedly unafraid, and he is true to who he his.
We never had that relationship where we say I love you and I miss you and stuff. We never really had any relationship, truth be told, but that wasn't our fault and now that I am all grown up and I can choose for myself? Yeah, I choose him to be my big brother. I love that guy, man. He's an amazing uncle, a bang up husband, a fabulous dad. He's smart and funny and I am so proud of him, watching him grow from a fucked up little kid into a man you'd want to will your children to. He rose above, yo. Better than I could have ever hoped to, for sure.
So, Gnilleps, happy 35th birthday, you old fuck. Your bottle of Geritol and your Bing Crosby albums are in the post. Because I love you.
Second:
Today is also the birthday of someone else quite important to me, and I'm just not going into that, but I am going to tell you a joke the kids' godfather once told me, and my willingness to repeating it , especially today, is quite possibly the reason I'm going to hell.
Jethro was walking home from workin' all day in the coal-mines, and stopped into the local pub, just like he did every night on his way home. Dingy, dusty, he saddled up to the bar and ordered his drink, the same drink he ordered every day. And then he smiled a wide, dirty, toothless grin the likes of which the bartender had never seen on his face before. "My oh lordy, Jethro," Clarabell said, "you sure do have a big ol' grin on your face today! What's got you so happy?"
Jethro sighed. "Clarabell, I doesn't even know wheres to start. Last night, oh lordy, last night!" He took a deep breath and continued. "Last night I was walkin' home from here, just like I does every night, and I crossed over the train tracks, just like I does every night, 'cause you know, I live just over there, on the other side of the tracks. But when I stepped over those tracks, I looked down and lord almighty, what did I see? I saw a girl. TIED to the tracks! You know, like in those movin' pictures!"
Clarabell's eyes grew wide. "What did you do, Jethro?"
"Well, what could I do? I untied her, of course! I brought her back to my shack with me, and I poured us both a drink. I was so nervous! I tried to talk to her, but, well, I just couldn't helps myself, and...well...errr...long story short? We ended up DOING IT all night long! We did it on the couch, and on the kitchen counter, all over my shack! It was the most amazing night of my life!"
Clarabell smiled for her old friend. "Jethro," she said, "that's great! I is so happy for you! What is her name? Is she pretty?"
"I don't know," confessed Jethro, "I never did find her head."
Reader Comments (37)
I SO did not see that ending coming.
Zoeyjane's last blog post..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/07/07/stressing-so-much-my-blood-pressure-became-normal/' rel="nofollow">Stressing so much, my blood pressure became normal.
Holy crap that be a funny joke. She gone lost her head :)
Oh, an Happy Birthday to your old brother. Just remember, you're only 20-months behind.
VegasDad's last blog post..http://ivegasfamily.blogspot.com/2008/07/toddler-speak.html' rel="nofollow">toddler speak
You just made the case for my son being an only child.
Also:
YOU'REOLDERTHANIAM! YOU'REOLDERTHANIAM!
neener neener neener
Happy birthday to your hellion, I mean brother.
Natalie's last blog post..http://www.startingfromhere.com/2008/07/08/i-need-your-opinion/' rel="nofollow">I Need Your Opinion
Poit!
I have a little sister myself and vague recollections of duct tape, but she did almost scratch my eye out on Christmas.
Narf!
Bob's last blog post..http://bobsbarandgrill.blogspot.com/2008/07/xbox.html' rel="nofollow">Xbox
I only met him and his wife once, when they were pregnant with their first. That was a really long time ago. Hope they are all doing well. The kids are darn cute. Happy BDay!
Oooh, that is so sick. Ewwww! But really, how can you possibly go to hell if you don't believe in God?
I sense that there's a Cranium player in you... ;)
Fawn's last blog post..http://fawnahareo.com/2008/07/04/naked-baby/' rel="nofollow">Naked baby
dude, that is so wrong. and so damn funny.
MomBabe's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/thebinghamdiaries/EBnH/~3/328644545/l-o-v-e-f-e-s-t.html' rel="nofollow">L-O-V-E-F-E-S-T
happy birthday gnilleps.
and i really do have to remember to PUT THE DIET COKE DOWN while i'm reading your posts.
the keyboard gets too sticky otherwise.
the planet of janet's last blog post..http://fromtheplanetofjanet.blogspot.com/2008/07/she-was-born-therefore-we-celebrate.html' rel="nofollow">She was born ... therefore we celebrate
I think Lou Reed wrote a song with her in it. Well, gotta go; "Amber" our legless dog needs to be taken out for her drag.
NukeDad's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Nuclearfamilywarheadcom/~3/327869417/' rel="nofollow">Luther: The Squirrel That Thought He Could Fly
ahhhhhhhhhhh, MAN! Gross. I loved it.
matt's last blog post..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/07/03/no-were-not-mad-at-you/' rel="nofollow">No, We?re Not Mad At You.
I don't even know what to say...
Latte Mommy's last blog post..http://lattemommy.blogspot.com/2008/07/overheard-at-my-house-this-evening.html' rel="nofollow">Overheard at My House this Evening...
Aw. That Jethro is incorrigible.
i'm now sick to my stomach.
Please tell me your brother turned out "normal". Because most of those events are not normal. Seriously? Trying to kill your family over and over is normal? Where did you grow up? Were you my neighbor? ROFLMAO! ;)
Now that last joke was just, um, funny, you know, for us twisted freaks out here.
Kay's last blog post..http://specialk513.blogspot.com/2008/07/it-started-at-3-am-pt.html' rel="nofollow">He's not heavy, he's my brother
Happy birthday to your big bro! You know I have to have a beer with him now right?
BusyDad's last blog post..http://www.busydadblog.com/entries/a-little-gorilla-marketing.html' rel="nofollow">A Little "Gorilla" Marketing
Happy Birthday to your brother.
The Jethro story was hysterical. Glad my coffee cup was empty.
Diane's last blog post..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/07/sold-our-home.html' rel="nofollow">Sold our home?
Didn't see the ending to THAT story coming!. Damn you're lucky to have a big brother. I always wanted one *sigh*
Happy birthday to the Big Bro :)
Suze's last blog post..http://www.dailyfrippery.com/2008/07/08/reasons-you-wont-like-me/' rel="nofollow">Reasons You Won’t Like Me And We Might Not Be Friends
You just ain't right, Mr. Lady.
Kelliqua's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/typepad/kelliqua/prattle_inc/~3/328273544/do-yall-remember-the-old-man-in-the-underwear-that-i-see-from-the-lanai-back-deck-during-winter-guess-what-i-see-him-a.html' rel="nofollow">"The Wonder Is that We Can See These Trees and Not Wonder More" -Ralph Waldo Emerson
that was a nice tribute to your brother. made me sad and happy at the same time. good for him and good for you. i am sure you are proud. that is great to hear he is a good husband and a good father. awesome.
(why does your life story about growing up always make me feel so sad? makes me want to come over and give you a big hug. i do know people in canada, and never been there, so i can make it happen, haha.
Aww how sweet, a shout out to the elderly...I mean...older brother. Happy Birthday!!
Love the joke. Sent me into laughing spasms. I hate when I find headless bodies just lying around allover the place.
Ashley's last blog post..http://www.bosssanders.com/2008/07/08/because-i-have-faith/' rel="nofollow">Because I have faith.
I being an eldest brother to four younger siblings can vouch for the normalcy of such happenings. I don't think I ever used duct tape but I do recall convincing my sister to ride her bike down a large hill long before she had mastered the coaster brake power-slide at the end. My parents were not happy, her face looks fine now though. We all turned out ok, mostly.
Big birthday wishes to the big man . . . I'm hoping one day me and my LITTLE brother will get to that place. After all that and you still dig the guy. That's love . . .
And that joke. Sometimes I hate that I'm such a visual person with an overactive imagination. Ick.
LaskiGal's last blog post..http://laskigal.blogspot.com/2008/07/single-and-loving-it.html' rel="nofollow">Single and Loving It . . .
The joke: Man, I am totally telling that at work. And will take the credit. AND say that it happened to my neighbour.
I take my hat off to you and your brother, after your history becoming wonderful parents and people. Yeah, I don't know your brother, but what I know of you babe, you are all kinds of awesome despite everything.
Tell your bro happy birthday from me K? Like he will care, but meh.
Kelley's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MagnetoBoldToo/~3/330138065/' rel="nofollow">Mosh!
Lovely. Just lovely. Will you call me soon? I'm coming to see you very shortly. Lurve you.
I missed so many things, being an only child. And having read your post, I think I'm glad.
manager mom's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/blogspot/BwvF/~3/330185615/time-to-get-over-myself.html' rel="nofollow">Time To Get Over Myself
Reactive Attachment Disorder comes to mind.
Audubon Ron's last blog post..http://ducksmahal.blogspot.com/2008/07/duck-recipe.html' rel="nofollow">Duck Recipe
What is your name? Lancelot of Camelot.
What is your quest? I seek the Holy Grail.
What is your favorite color? Green.......no Blue........Auuuugghghghhhhhhh!
Sorry I just could not resist.
Happy B-day to your bro!
Oh and you two are not old yet..............but you're getting there.
Peace, Mike.
Ohmigawd the joke. If we can even call it that. I must admit, I did chuckle [in my head]. SO BAD. You have a way of capturing a person's essence (no, I'm not on acid) and then conveying it through words. I'm not just buttering you up this time either. I feel like I really got who your brother was, just in that short post. Nice one.
flickrlovr's last blog post..http://idblogthaton.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-much-is-too-much.html' rel="nofollow">How Much Is TOO Much?
Tears. I have tears. Hi-freaking-larious.
Happy birthday to Mr. Cranium.
Momo Fali's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Momo-Fali/~3/330836026/cheetah-girls-must-be-antiques-by-now.html' rel="nofollow">The Cheetah Girls Must Be Antiques By Now
Your brother sounds ideal for you. (Is that a compliment? Yes....)
Happy B-day bro!
christy's last blog post..http://thesouloneverypath.blogspot.com/2008/07/unable-to-play-dead-long-enough.html' rel="nofollow">Unable to play dead long enough
Awesome tribute to your bros birthday! Mr Lady's Brother is a Hottie! Just sayin'.
Secret Agent Mama's last blog post..http://secretagentmama.com/blog/2008/07/09/wordless-wednesday-the-train/' rel="nofollow">Wordless Wednesday: The Train
I will be repeating that joke and claiming it as my own... freakin' hilarious.
Happy B-day to your bro - 'are you thinking what I'm thinking?'
Tara R.'s last blog post..http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com/2008/07/09/random-wednesday-guardians/' rel="nofollow">Random Wednesday - guardians
I have three kids under 4 and am fast approaching my 35th birthday, that lil train track ditty made me forget the hysteria and the aging, then I peed myself a little bit and it all came hurtling back.
Amanda's last blog post..http://toddlywinks.blogspot.com/2008/07/csi-barbie.html' rel="nofollow">CSI Barbie
wait! I had so many coments to make on your amazing, funny brother and the way you describe him is hillarious and heartfelt...
and then I forgot them all with the last line of your post!
katie's last blog post..http://alanosfamily.blogspot.com/2008/07/another-crime-punishment-for-you.html' rel="nofollow">Another Crime & Punishment for you
That joke is hilarious, but more important, that tribute to your brother was flawless. With the exception of the pink hair and the kids of his own, our brothers are the same person. Thanks for reminding me to call him today.
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)'s last blog post..http://missivesfromsuburbia.blogspot.com/2008/07/its-all-in-eyes.html' rel="nofollow">It's All In the Eyes
Wow you just brought back so many bad memories of your childhood for me. HAHA. If anyone is wondering, the stories.. all true.
In case anyone is still reading comments here, Alisha was like, my sister growing up. Like, more than my actual sister was. She knows more about my childhood than I do.
That's hysterical. I think women w/ big bros have sharper, quicker wits. I, of course, do not have a big bro. (See, we can always blame everything on our folks!)
Aprils last blog post..http://formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com/2008/07/weekend-wrap-up.html" rel="nofollow">Weekend Wrap-Up