Reality Checks are Awfully Hard to Cash
Friday, August 1, 2008 at 2:41AM | Mr Lady A few weeks before I left for BlogHer, I started hearing the murmur. The grumble about how it's a clique, a self-congratulatory A-Listers club, how those people think they're so much better than everyone else and how we'd never be caught dead going to that thing. Granted, this murmur comes from a small group, but they're vocal. They have anonymous hate blogs set up just for BlogHer chatter.
Really?
I'll admit that the words "I am so not cool enough for BlogHer" have come out of my mouth. The words "I am WAY too cool for prom" and "Gawd, I'd never want to be a cheerleader" also have. Why? Because I am an insecure moron, that's why. I worried for a long time that no one would like my blog, I worried that no one would ask me to the prom, and I worried that I'd never actually MAKE the cheer squad. So I just never tried.
I am so not sad about the cheer squad thing, btw.
Anyway, I was talking to my friend Loralee about BlogHer before we left, about the negativity we'd seen surface, about some nastiness she'd run into that kind of affected her personally. And then she forwarded this link (which is dead, because she closed down her blog, but still. It was awesome).
I started reading this post, written by a woman I'd never heard of before, and instantly my big, long, sharp pointy-finger started doing its big, sharp pointy-finger thing. I slowed when I read this:
I see you all the time, and you never make it in my group—or clique, as you so scathingly might prefer to call it. (For some reason, groups of friends are verboten these days, apparently.) You stagger away, stung and confused, convinced that we’re all just a big bunch of meanies who didn’t think your hair looked nice enough. Because believing that is easier than taking responsibility for the way you act. Believing that is easier than forgiving yourself for letting your feelings dictate your actions. Believing that is easier than taking a hard look around and realizing that maybe it’s your own damned fault.
I came to a screeching halt when I read this:
If you are that person or have ever even kind of resembled that person, this list is for you.
*choke*
I read that YOU, and I started over. I started from the beginning and I pointed that awful finger right back at myself, and I took a pretty decent bitch-slap. And Schnozz, thanks for that bitch-slap.
I read somewhere that the traits we hate most in others are the traits we are the most afraid to admit we possess. I, for one, will willingly admit to being guilt of that. For judging someone for doing something I do 23 1/2 hours a day. For climbing on my moral soapbox. For being an insecure bitch. Insecurity is the least attractive quality, if you ask me, and it just so happens to be one of my most predominant ones.
I took that post of Schnozz's to BlogHer with me, and I kept reading it over and over again, saying, "Dude, just this once, just let this shit go and have fun. Just go in there and know you should be in there, that you are just as good as everyone in that room, that you have nothing to worry about."
I did exactly that. Just ask Schnozz. I tackled the poor girl when I saw her. I tackled everyone when I saw them. Some, well, some I tackled PLUS.
I pushed my shoulders back, checked my insecurities at the door, and had a fucking blast. I made a ton of new friends. I concreted a ton of old friendships. I walked right up to people I admire, people I look up to, people who maybe intimidate me a little bit (my fault, not theirs.) I didn't care; I just put it out there. And I had more fun than should be legally allowed. I made a total horse's ass out of myself, I laughed until my poor bladder couldn't take it anymore, and no one snubbed me, no one looked down their nose at me, even before I read that post and they all knew who I was.
All because of one blog post that totally smacked me upside the head and said, "Um, check it, yo."
Every time I read another blog post, Tweet, whatever, about what bullshit BlogHer is, what a nasty, cliquey thing it is, I want to ball this post up and shove it down someone's throat. But, well, that's not very classy, now is it? But I do think that maybe it should be mandatory reading for, well, just about everyone. Because maybe it'll make you understand where your troll is coming from (a troll is someone who goes around bashing people on their blogs. They tend to be nasty to the n'th degree), and why it's really important to just ignore them. Maybe it'll help you understand why someone is talking shit about you on their blog, in the bathroom at work, or AT THE PTA MEETING. Or maybe, just maybe, it will make you realize something about yourself, just like it did for me.
And with that, I nominate Schnozz's post, simply entitled The Reasons, for Suburban Turmoil and Petroville's Perfect Post for July, 2008. (And I thank Schnozz, profusely, for saving me from my own damn self.)
Reader Comments (52)
I love you and Schnozz with the power of a thousand burning suns.
Wanna make out?
Loralees last blog post..http://loraleeslooneytunes.com/2008/07/31/pretty-is-as-pretty-does-unless-you-are-whoorl-then-you-can-stick-a-mcdonalds-hat-on-your-head-and-still-look-freaking-gorgeous/" rel="nofollow">Pretty is as pretty does. Unless you are Whoorl. Then you can stick a McDonalds hat on your head and STILL look freaking gorgeous.
And since it's an ungodly hour and I am still here wide awake, I thought I would tell you my very favorite line from that post of Schnozzy's:
“You’re like a one-person gay pride parade over there, except without the fun and the Mardi Gras beads.”
God, I love that woman.
Loralees last blog post..http://loraleeslooneytunes.com/2008/07/31/pretty-is-as-pretty-does-unless-you-are-whoorl-then-you-can-stick-a-mcdonalds-hat-on-your-head-and-still-look-freaking-gorgeous/" rel="nofollow">Pretty is as pretty does. Unless you are Whoorl. Then you can stick a McDonalds hat on your head and STILL look freaking gorgeous.
Girl, I so hear you. I used to care. I used to fret what people thought of me. And sometimes I still do.
But dammit, fake it till you make it.
Great post by Schnozz. But she mentioned Crocs. AND winter crocs dammit!
That was one of the best posts I've read this year. Thanks for the link. I need to work on all of that, too - the insecurity, the compliment shoot-downs, the being crazy bit...
But just so I know for next year, exactly how much alcohol might it take til you start kissing people? I'll remember to stock up.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/08/01/youll-just-have-to-wait/" rel="nofollow">You’ll just have to wait.
Hey, I needed to hear it as much as anyone. I certainly had my moments at BlogHer where I would stumble and have to go back to the basics.
And Kelley: They're just shoes, man. :) Live and let live!
I added her to my reader after that and her about. I remember meeting her briefly @ The Newbie Mixer and thinking she had a great smile.
Great post - perfect nom.
Marias last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ImmoralMatriarch/~3/352230702/" rel="nofollow">Not so Tenderhearted.
Wish I would have read that before leaving too. Perhaps I would have had the courage to approach more people. Next time you read something that touches you, forward it to me. Will ya?
ohmommys last blog post..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/07/lies-my-mother-told-me.html" rel="nofollow">Lies my mother told me.
I've read all the blogher bash bullshit and I just shake my head. We women can be so bitchy. Good for you for taking control of your own good time. And apparently kissing it.
Carolyn...Onlines last blog post..http://carolynonline.blogspot.com/2008/08/guest-post-5.html" rel="nofollow">Guest Post #5
What a great post. But I honestly think we never TRULY get over high school. I feel like I am a confident, smart, funny, fairly attractive woman but I'm going to a party tonight because I love the hostess and her husband but I don't think I will know anyone else. I will probably stick like glue to my husband's side and not really talk much to anyone else. I am a very good friend. Seriously. I do lunch and have a regular dinner out each month with a group of very good friends, I send cards and flowers, I email, I call, I stay in touch, I vacation with them and I am very open to making new friends. Which I do often. It's just usually though another friend, work, or something else we have in common. I have a very hard time talking to strangers, even though they are potential friends!
Now, having said all that, I am planning to go to BlogHer sometime in the future because I would like to eventually make blogging pay (I know, yeah, right!) and I would also love to meet some of the interesting, funny and fabulous women I read about every day. And I will force myself to walk up to them, introduce myself and possibly make a new friend.
But it's hard.
Mrs. Whos last blog post..http://iknowwhereyoucanfindit.blogspot.com/2008/08/for-fun-friday-august-1-2008.html" rel="nofollow">For Fun Friday August 1, 2008
Right on - I had a great time in SF - probably bc I decided fuck it - if it went bad for me (or um if I made it go bad for myself) then I'd just go shop Union Square and enjoy not being home for a couple of days. Lucky for me I had VDog who will start a conversation with everyone, saving me the gut wrench of doing it myself and just letting me join on in.
Your right. If you read that post differently it has a whole new meaning.
Awesome post. I would have loved to go to BlogHer.
Oh and those makeout pics are hot!!
Once upon six months ago I was new in the blog scene (still am) and I somehow got this impression that Blogher was kinda snobby and just a way for the popular girls to love on each other and drive traffic to each other. Looking back I really don't know what made me think that. But for a short while I carried this impression around with me and believed I'd never be interested in that sort of thing.
Then I started finding out more about it and reading more of the people who supported it and their reasons. THEN my idol announced she was going to be reading. Afterward I read a million wonderful accounts of the personal growth and commeradery (not cliquishness) and, well, how could I think it was a bad thing? I would hazzard a guess that those bashers out there are suffering a fear of the unknown and a little insecurity of their own.
I still don't want to be a cheerleader (ew), but if you buy me the ticket you can bet your bippy I'll be at Blogher next year.
Marges last blog post..http://wheremytruthlives.wordpress.com/2008/07/31/victory/" rel="nofollow">Victory
That post of Schnozz's is one of my favourites. I was bummed when she and Amber missed out on getting the cocktail party passes, but I still managed to get some quality time in with them (LOVE THEM).
I went to BlogHer with the same attitude as you did. Had I not, I would have missed out on meeting some of my writing heroes, or been too scared to approach you at Macy's. If I hadn't done so, I would not have known you were also from BC! And also quite lovely :)
Angellas last blog post..http://www.dutchblitz.net/summer-is-as-summer-does/" rel="nofollow">Summer Is As Summer Does
Never heard of blogHer. =/ But I am sure it is evil and wrong... and those kissy pictures of you are HAWT! LOL ^_^ I hear the the "How does she know ...." song from Enchanted playin gin the backgroud.
Great post, Mr. Lady. Great post.
By the way, I was a cheerleader and I can tell you I was probably just as insecure and subconsiously intimidated as you were.
KEEP BELIEVING
Angies last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/KeepBelieving/~3/351537176/i-wrote-this-post-in-december-during.html" rel="nofollow">Same situation, different month, test day.
Delurking to say thank you.
Lauras last blog post..http://laurastravelblog.blogspot.com/2008/07/whats-your-personality-type.html" rel="nofollow">What's Your Personality Type?
That is an awesome post. I don't know if you have heard of five start friday, but I think it should be nominated for next weeks five star friday if it hasn't already been nominated.
Perksofbeingmes last blog post..http://perksofbeingme.blogspot.com/2008/07/getting-it-together.html" rel="nofollow">Getting it together.
I wish people would quit it already with the bashing of BlogHer. Whatever. They didn't go. I didn't go. You don't see me crying about it. Or being jealous. I just read through your posts and live vicariously through you for a moment. And, of course, you know people who talk crap about things speak from insecurity. They won't admit it, but we all do it. That petty, catty, gossipy talk. We all have our moments of insecurity.
Tricias last blog post..http://iamtrishmarie.blogspot.com/2008/07/text-and-skate.html" rel="nofollow">Text and skate.
I think I've got you beat in the insecurity department, I actually teared up when I got sent home from a focus group because they overbooked. I took that shit personally! GAH!
What I'm saying is that you are spot on, I can't speak for Schnozz's post because I didn't go to Blogher, but I realize that my own insecurities can and do really hold me back from having a good time.
I haven't seen any of the blogher hate sites, but I can imagine they have their insecurities as well. And good for you for overcoming your own. That is very admirable.
I need to throw my shoulders back and check my insecurities at the door- when it comes to leaving comments!
BlogHer, to me, was a bunch of untouchably talented ladies gathering (and apparently getting wasted) and more power to them and you! Your comment sections are as close as I'll ever get to you guys and I'm constantly second guessing what a fuckhead I sound like while leaving comments- like, now, are you totally pissed that I cussed in your comments?
tenakims last blog post..http://therapyfortena.blogspot.com/2008/07/encore-presentation.html" rel="nofollow">Encore Presentation
Absolutely fabulous!
I am often terribly insecure and I am so proud of you for stepping out of yourself and having fun. Will you tackle me at BlogHer 09?
Help me too not feel like a great big doofus?
SMooches!!
rachels last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/FromTheLandOfMonkeysAndPrincesses/~3/352190910/they-slide-they-bounce-and-she-speaks.html" rel="nofollow">They Slide, They Bounce and She Speaks: Haiku Friday
So glad you had such an awesome time, and that you ALLOWED yourself to have an awesome. And man oh man, that person who wrote that list deserves some type of award! I wish I could write half that well and say the things I want to!
By the way, I was just looking at the posts I've missed and HOLYFUCKINGCOW your son had a doozy of a black eye! Good God!!!!!!
Robinas last blog post..http://justanotherday-bina.blogspot.com/2008/07/for-better-or-worse.html" rel="nofollow">For better or worse, that's what I do!
Hey, sorry for commenting here about this, but I'm lame and probably can't read. I can't seem to find where to RSVP for the DNC blogger bash thing, and I can't figure out when it's going to be. Durrr. Can you help me?
Lauras last blog post..http://lalagirl.org/?p=1435" rel="nofollow">Stroller Contest WINNER!
This is where I should say something motivational and talk about how great the post is...just can't get past the photos. Uhhh-huh-huh---huhuh-huh<---(Beavis and Butthead laugh).
matts last blog post..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/07/29/earthquake/" rel="nofollow">Earthquake!
Spot on.
Having never attended (nor bashed) the BlogHer conferences, I can tell you that the only way I'd get through it would be to take the attitude that you did, and just let it all go.
Carries last blog post..http://www.stopscreamingimdriving.com/2008/08/trust.html" rel="nofollow">Trust
Ignorance is a wonderful thing. The fact that I don't even KNOW who the cool kids are means that I will drink and stumble around with anybody who isn't too embarrassed to be seen with me.
BusyDads last blog post..http://www.busydadblog.com/entries/that-blogger-convention-no-not-that-one.html" rel="nofollow">That Blogger Convention… No Not THAT One!
Let's see...
I went to prom.
I was a cheerleader.
I was also in a sorority.
Guess I need to go to BlogHer now to make my life complete!
Ha ha. I am so kidding. (Although, I really did all those things. I guess you can say that big groups of chicks don't scare me.)
Yup, it seems to me that the attitude about BlogHer is all in the eyes of the bad-attitude holder. It's also just a bunch of old fashioned idolatry. People need to step back and realize that these are just NORMAL women - normal, everyday women with normal, everyday problems who also happen to have web sites. Once you put someone (Dooce for example) on a pedestal like that, then right there you've constructed the hierarchy yourself.
rosaliciouss last blog post..http://rosalicious.com/2008/07/30/please-send-tequila/" rel="nofollow">Please send tequila.
You were incredible on stage, and it's so good to see you had a blast the rest of the time.
She Likes Purples last blog post..http://www.shelikespurple.com/shelikespurple/2008/07/i-remember-read.html" rel="nofollow">Reaching Out
It kinda looks like you may have been blushing a little in that first photo...You? Blushing? LOL!
I'm so not an "it" girl but don't give a rats ass...I'm goin next year damn it!
Great post!
Tammys last blog post..http://thopgood-mylife.blogspot.com/2008/08/stress-fractures-shack-and-penis.html" rel="nofollow">Stress fractures, The Shack, and penis requests.
Thank you SO much for linking to that post. I just read the whole thing, and it's just, I think it should be required reading for all women. Seriously.
Also, I love your Monty Python references in the comment lines...they make me chuckle every time I go to leave you a comment.
Jainas last blog post..http://girl-with-the-camera.blogspot.com/2008/08/photostory-friday-intro-to-cor-racing.html" rel="nofollow">PhotoStory Friday: Intro to COR Racing
BRAVO.
Couldn't have said it better, myself.
As someone who has been to every BlogHer, I could have written this post many a time myself. This may come back and bite me on the ass, but there is still a lot of truth in the a-list cliquey shit. It is there. This is not to say you can't meet fabulous people and get to know incredible new bloggers, but there are still those who prefer to watch and puff out their chests on the periphery. I met some great new people ad renewed other friendships, but the glow had faded a bit for me.
Ok, I apologize for this comment, I should just post instead of hijacking your blog. You, and Schnozz and Yvonne and others you mentioned are awesome. I am thrilled you had a good time and your reading KICKED ASS!
love
jenB
xoxoxoxoxo
Thanks for linking to Schnozz. No matter what she may say, I will never live up to her writing abilities and will always compare my measly words to hers.
But the other stuff - yeah, brilliant.
And next year, I'm tackling you for a girlie mouth kiss.
Dood, u rok.
moosh in indy.s last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/mooshInIndy/~3/353194991/" rel="nofollow">Hot: Day 1-Feed the Burn
I am all about the faking it til you make it. The people who bitch are the ones who are afradi to try...
Don Mills Divas last blog post..http://donmillsdiva.blogspot.com/2008/08/melancholy-summer.html" rel="nofollow">Melancholy summer
bravo. Bravo. BRAVO!!!!!
Kimmelins last blog post..http://kimmelin.wordpress.com/2008/07/30/business-week-working-parents-article/" rel="nofollow">Business Week Working Parents article
And, THAT is why I read blogs.
Momo Falis last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Momo-Fali/~3/353288712/bosom-buddies.html" rel="nofollow">Bosom Buddies
I'm so glad you went to BlogHer because I've been meaning to comment to tell you that I watched you read your post on YouTube and it was gorgeous and made me think about my own life/issues/meds in a completely new (and positive) way. So, thank you for going.
Binkytowns last blog post..http://amywojo.typepad.com/binkytown/2008/07/i-dont-know-how-they-do-it.html" rel="nofollow">FUN! EASY!
Hey Mr Lady - what a great post, you write so well! I loved the link about "getting over yourself and why no one likes you" was so perfect for BlogHer'08!
So to out myself, I did go to prom(s), was not a cheerleader but was in a sorrority. I love big events, love people, have friends - and yet at BlogHer I had no idea who the popular kids were, though I did know they exisited. Guess I was too busy guzzling free drinks....(as you know).
Keep up the great posts - I love goofing off and not working, cleaning the house or disiplining my children - and reading your blog posts instead!
Take care.
Jamie R Lentzners last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JpdMom/~3/351199087/what-really-goe.html" rel="nofollow">Lessoned Learned at BlogHer
Stupid cheerleaders and their silly justifications... LOL.
Great post on both ends (yours and hers) and a lovely nomination. :)
Judith Shakespeares last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/TheOnlyThing/~3/353747932/the-free-judith-campaign" rel="nofollow">The Free Judith Campaign
I wish I would have read this before blogher. I might have spent a little less time hiding like a scared mouse in the bathroom. But otherwise I might not have gotten to really spend time with you. So maybe a little terror is good.
PS. How on earth could anyone be intimidated of me? You must still be drunk.
PPS. Picture of you, me and lildb:
http://flickr.com/photos/16968197@N02/2725583233/
Jenny, Bloggesss last blog post..http://thebloggess.com/?p=609" rel="nofollow">UPDATED: This is a whole post explaining why this post is not funny at all
Yeah, ouch. I resembled some of that post, too.
I wuv you.
Christines last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/WatchMeNoWatchMe/~3/353908494/open-letter-to-kathy-griffin.html" rel="nofollow">An open letter to Kathy Griffin
I prefer to save all my hate for people I deal with in real life.
Aprils last blog post..http://formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com/2008/08/at-last-my-internet-is-up-again.html" rel="nofollow">At Last, My Internet is Up Again!!
that's a good post. interesting read.
(unlike the other commenter - big groups of all girls really scare me! ha) seriously.
by the way, how are you doing?
this was a perfect post. I've been checking my shizz lately in just the same fashion. I'm inviting my damn self to the prom. When my back gets up and I want to roll eyes, blame or think I'm better than, I have to examine further to see what is really missing going on inside of me. Check my ego at the front door of life!
Rockin' post. Thanks.
Candaces last blog post..http://notthatidontlovemykids.blogspot.com/2008/07/and-then-there-is-this-moment.html" rel="nofollow">and then there is this moment
Just another comment from a blogger who needs to go read that post. I'm not in the hatin' camp, but in the "Am I really cool enough to GO" camp. Thanks for the link.
And, uh, at BlogHer next year? I'm so totally buyin' you a drink.
I too wish I would have read this before I left.. more courage for next year for sure.. though I still had a great flipping time..
Kims last blog post..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/8/3/weekly-winners.html" rel="nofollow">Weekly Winners
if and when I go, i am tackling everyone and anyone.
ms picket to yous last blog post..http://postpicket.blogspot.com/2008/08/boxed-in.html" rel="nofollow">Boxed In
EXACTLY.
Word.
I'm going to reread THAT post and THIS post again before BlogHer next year, just a little reminder.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..http://playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren.com/2008/08/06/hump-day/" rel="nofollow">Hump Day
I think the insecurities I felt at BlogHer were mine to own to a certain extent. It is hard as one person to walk into a group of happy FRIENDS that know each other.
That is true of most social situations. It is scary. Nothing really to do with the conference..it is just how the world really is.
There is not much you can do about that.
BlogHer WAS a hard place to connect. I couldn't read people's tags and didn't recognize names and faces so well.
It was also made harder by the fact that I was bereft of any electronica. I couldn't email or twitter people and that seemed to be the way the majority of meet ups were being arranged.
Fine...lesson learned. Be prepared.
That said.....
There is always a HUGE wave or rage and high gumption that ANYONE, any bloggers gets called clique.
But who is yelling the loudest? Usually the one's who MIGHT show clique tendencies. And why is it such a bad thing? Is it a bad thing?
Communities are built, friendships are formed. We visit our fave blogs, we comment there more than any others and they do so in return.
However....I have noticed this with just a FEW bloggers that indeed no matter if you have linked to them, or comment on their posts...they will never ever visit you.
Ever.
Or if they do...they will never ever link or comment on your site. Ever.
And you are left wondering if you smell bad. Or if your blog just plain sucks.
You see this on twitter too.
For the most part it is due to these bloggers being popular. They have a LOT of commenters. Lots more than you might do.
So they are pretty happy with their little group and the one's they have time to visit.
Unless you are some super fracking funny or cuttingly insightful blogger...you ain't gonna cut it.
Do you take it personally???
No, you shouldn't. But you will. Because it hurts a teeny tiny bit.
And bringing it back to BlogHer....THIS did cause me pause when I stood there deciding if I wanted to go say hi to one of 'those' bloggers. Does that make ME bad? I don't know..human for sure.