;)
Thursday
Aug142008
You Must Be So Proud
Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 1:21AM
Imagine, if you will, walking up the staircase one day, rounding the corner, stepping into the hallway lit only by the 1970's tinted round bulb cover. The bronzed light bounces off the walls that are that shade of brown that is popular, classy, and really just looks like a decent poo. The light hits those walls, reflects off the honey wood floors, and glimmers against a little bubbly pile of something on the floor, about the size of a dime.
Whatever, wipe it up.
A day later, you walk into the kitchen. Maybe you trip over a stray Cheerio, perhaps your foot sticks in an errant popsicle dripping, but one thing is undeniable; there's another bubbly spot on in the kitchen floor. You check the ceiling for a leak. You look on the bottom of your shoe.
Weird, wipe it up.
Today, you walk from the dining room, around the couch, and into the living room. The sun is high in the sky, and your living room is flooded with golden light reflected off your therapy-yellow walls. You take a step, realize there's something almost but not quite gooey under your foot, and totally ass over foot slip and fall in it. BAM on the floor, you check your foot, and suddenly, as the stars swirl above your head, you figure it all out.
My child, she spits. And not this Spitz:
or even this Spitz
THIS spits.
I am the mother of two boys, and have been for over a decade now. I am no rookie in the world of spitting. My boys have spit on each other in the tub, with the hose water, out their noses at dinner; you know, boy stuff. And a long time ago when I actually gave two shits about pretending to parent them, I meticulously taught them to spit their toothpaste into the sink, to then rinse and spit, and then to swish fluoride rinse and spit that out, too. These kids have been schooled in the fine art of spitting. Not so much with numero tres, mi pequeño ángel accidental.
Apparently, I find blond pigtails, pink dresses, rats-nest hair and shit sandwich breath on a toddler endearing, because god knows she's lucky to see a brush of any form even once in a good week. Hell, she'd rather just suck on the tube of toothpaste anyway. That's fluoride, right?*
My point is that I've never exactly taught her to spit. Her brothers don't really run around spitting at each other anymore. I don't spit. Her father doesn't spit. Though we'll do it when we must**, we're just not spitters without a cause. And yet, she spits anyway.
The baby. The nasty little baby is spitting all over the house.
Can someone tell me, does spitting feel good or something? I've given it a whirl since my little discovery, and meh. It's alright. It's kinda fun when I get a good one going, get it all long and stringy, and then suck it back up right at the final second, but I think that may be a higher skill than someone who can barely wipe her own ass is capable of possessing.
Are you waiting for a point? Yeah, there isn't one. My kid likes to spit all over the damn floor. Don't think I don't know that you're pointing and laughing, either. I'd be willing to bet YOUR kids have some totally disgusting secret habit, too.
*I may be exaggerating slightly there.
**Easy, tiger. It's a family blog.
Whatever, wipe it up.
A day later, you walk into the kitchen. Maybe you trip over a stray Cheerio, perhaps your foot sticks in an errant popsicle dripping, but one thing is undeniable; there's another bubbly spot on in the kitchen floor. You check the ceiling for a leak. You look on the bottom of your shoe.
Weird, wipe it up.
Today, you walk from the dining room, around the couch, and into the living room. The sun is high in the sky, and your living room is flooded with golden light reflected off your therapy-yellow walls. You take a step, realize there's something almost but not quite gooey under your foot, and totally ass over foot slip and fall in it. BAM on the floor, you check your foot, and suddenly, as the stars swirl above your head, you figure it all out.
My child, she spits. And not this Spitz:
or even this Spitz
THIS spits.
I am the mother of two boys, and have been for over a decade now. I am no rookie in the world of spitting. My boys have spit on each other in the tub, with the hose water, out their noses at dinner; you know, boy stuff. And a long time ago when I actually gave two shits about pretending to parent them, I meticulously taught them to spit their toothpaste into the sink, to then rinse and spit, and then to swish fluoride rinse and spit that out, too. These kids have been schooled in the fine art of spitting. Not so much with numero tres, mi pequeño ángel accidental.
Apparently, I find blond pigtails, pink dresses, rats-nest hair and shit sandwich breath on a toddler endearing, because god knows she's lucky to see a brush of any form even once in a good week. Hell, she'd rather just suck on the tube of toothpaste anyway. That's fluoride, right?*
My point is that I've never exactly taught her to spit. Her brothers don't really run around spitting at each other anymore. I don't spit. Her father doesn't spit. Though we'll do it when we must**, we're just not spitters without a cause. And yet, she spits anyway.
The baby. The nasty little baby is spitting all over the house.
Can someone tell me, does spitting feel good or something? I've given it a whirl since my little discovery, and meh. It's alright. It's kinda fun when I get a good one going, get it all long and stringy, and then suck it back up right at the final second, but I think that may be a higher skill than someone who can barely wipe her own ass is capable of possessing.
Are you waiting for a point? Yeah, there isn't one. My kid likes to spit all over the damn floor. Don't think I don't know that you're pointing and laughing, either. I'd be willing to bet YOUR kids have some totally disgusting secret habit, too.
*I may be exaggerating slightly there.
**Easy, tiger. It's a family blog.
Reader Comments (53)
oh, my, no. my child is perfect.
PERFECT.
for instance, he never picks his nose and eats it, despite my repeated admonitions that eating boogers will make monkey hair grow on your fingers and inside your nostrils. or, at least, *almost* never. in fact, i'm a little wonderish that maybe it's inciting the whole thing to higher, more intense levels of disgusting? oh, shit.
so anyway, close enough, was what i was basically saying.
wait. was that what you were getting at in the first place? because, i really *don't* enjoy being taught lessons, or, you know, learning, or really even thinking much at all.
now i'm exhausted.
lildbs last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/IObsess/~3/361637301/beach-0-flu-1.html" rel="nofollow">beach: 0, flu: 1
Dude, mine totally spits too. I never spit. Never have. That's probably one thing she got from her father, then.
Nose picking, disgusting belches in restaurants, farts like crazy. Boy stuff. He spits too but not in the house. What kind of parent are you?
Misss last blog post..http://ruraandmiss.wordpress.com/2008/08/13/awake/" rel="nofollow">Awake
Children are delightful.
My little treasure adds great weight and velocity to his spitting by taking a good mouthful of water first. Proud? There aren't any words.
SingleParentDads last blog post..http://singleparentdad.blogspot.com/2008/08/you-know-me-so-well.html" rel="nofollow">You Know Me So Well
LM spits and its gross - he spit on my landlords porch - mortified I tell you - he also picks his nose and says look mommy I'm eating it...I know lovely...the damn things they learn in daycare and now in 15 days school...EEK...
Darlas last blog post..http://dmmos.blogspot.com/2008/07/middle-age-for-better-for-worse.html" rel="nofollow">Middle Age - For Better For Worse
Dear, dear Mr. Lady. Being the only infertile in the room this morning, I envy all of you with your spitting, farting, booger eating, bundles of joy. I long for the days when I too will have the pleasure, nay the privilege, of cleaning loogies off the ceiling and washing little fingers that have spent hours picking stray pieces of toilet paper from little inexpertly wiped butts. Alas, until that blessed day, I must settle for indoor pets. Five large dogs and 6 hairless cats. I don't want to turn this into a "my dog is grosser than your kid" kind of thing, but I feel compelled to say I would be thrilled to wake up to something as mundane as toddler spit on the kitchen floor.
I did once babysit a friend's child who took a shit in the bath tub. No one told me children could do that. And this is how we learn.
Much love to you and the kids. Screw Mr. Rogers, I wish I was YOUR neighbor.
This is what happens when you bring a nice kid into a house full of boys. Boys are gross - the 8 year old girls have got it totally right.
Being a father of two lovely princesses, I can tell you that girls can take disgusting to a new level. My lovely daughters will pick their noses, stick their fingers in all orifices (dresses permit open access to the really good parts), spit, belch, fart, etc. They will happily shove their noses directly up to one-anothers butts immediately after an expulsion and giggle with glee.
You have my sympathy, Mr. Lady.
Joes last blog post..http://dribblycastles.blogspot.com/2008/08/thats-birching.html" rel="nofollow">That's Birching!
Mine likes to carry a real screwdriver around the house (the tool, not the drink). Lord knows what he thinks he's going to do with it, but I'm pretty sure he could kneecap an intruder if it came to it.
moos last blog post..http://moosmoo.wordpress.com/2008/08/14/pregnancy-gems/" rel="nofollow">pregnancy gems
She's got the spitting thing. Go with it. Stick a rag out of her back pocket and teach her to wipe it up. It'll be like random mopping. Little clean spots on the floors.
CarolynOnlines last blog post..http://carolynonline.blogspot.com/2008/08/internet-assignment.html" rel="nofollow">An internet assignment.
I have no idea what you are talking about.....My 6 yr old son isn't obsessed with touching his privates or picking his nose and absolutely never eats what comes out of his nose. My 4yr old daughter doesn't pick hers either. NEVER, EVER.
funny that you used that image of a camel.
When Miss Priss thought spitting was funny, I pulled up an image of a camel and showed it to her, and then she didn't think it was so funny anymore.
But really, our kids would never do anything nasty... would they?
Spitting, check. Nose picking, check. Wiping said booger on the seat of my brand new automobile a week after I bought it? CHECK. Farting and giggling like a mofo, check. Belching louder than her father can, check. I can't decide or remember if it's normal or if kids these days (whipper snappers) are just gross.
whensheworeponytailss last blog post..http://ponytaildiaries.com/?p=167" rel="nofollow">Rob 7of365
My kids make fart noises with their mouth. But I taught them that and it's funny to them. Is that wrong? ;)
You must be so proud. All that talent and not even one lesson.
I just realized as I typed this my two year old just used my bare leg as a tissue. Nice. Toddler snot. Is it moisturizing?
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvanas last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/JuneCleaverNirvana/~3/363856145/and-then-he-sold-his-birthright-for.html" rel="nofollow">And then he sold his birthright for some soup...
they grow up to make nasty jokes about corn. be afraid, be VERY afraid.
the planet of janets last blog post..http://fromtheplanetofjanet.blogspot.com/2008/08/perhaps-spunk-needed-more-explanation.html" rel="nofollow">Perhaps "spunk" needed more explanation than that
I personally don't spit, in reference to your comment about this being a family blog. Just saying. But the kids? Well. Hannah had best NOT be doing anything where it would also reference that little blurb, come to think of it. But the rest? She can out fart, out spit, and completely out-bad-breath the boys, hands down. And it makes me proud-we women have to show them we are better in ALL arenas, right? Because really, the testosterone surging through our house-especially is Steve is there as well-is very nearly unbearable. My sweet toddler, on the other hand, does not pick his nose and eat it; he graciously get half a roll of toilet paper and wipes. He also will place said booger delicately on the arm of the couch. Or on the bottom of the shoes. Or the hem of my pants. I would almost rather he ate it, truth be known. But I have prevailed in one area: he burps. Loudly, Then he very sweetly places his hand over his mouth and says, "Cue me." However-when he farts? He looks just like a puppy who lets one off and can't figure out where it came from; he will look around at his butt with wonder and amazement. And then try again.
Koris last blog post..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/08/some-bling-word-that-makes-me-laugh-out.html" rel="nofollow">Some Bling (a word that makes me laugh out loud)
At least it is the floor. My youngest daughter has taken to spitting in her sister's hair. No where else. Just her hair. But perhaps that is just because she REALLY finds it funny when her sister starts flapping around the room, screaming about how gross it is.
Tricias last blog post..http://iamtrishmarie.blogspot.com/2008/08/treats.html" rel="nofollow">Treats.
I have a spitter, too. He loves to spit his drink out on the carpet...on the floor....on the towel by the door....
I just keeping repeating that this too shall pass.
Mommy Crackeds last blog post..http://www.mommycracked.net/2008/08/there-he-goes.html" rel="nofollow">There He Goes
OMG the sucking it back up made me sick. That shit is gross. And my son is just now starting to spit. I saw him spit on the floor a while back and bitched at him. I think he might do it every now and again when he's pissed at me. I'm still trying to get him to wipe his own ass so spitting isn't a main priority right now.
Tiffanys last blog post..http://stuck-in-the-sticks.blogspot.com/2008/08/what-fk-is-going-on-around-here.html" rel="nofollow">What the F*#k is Going on Around Here?
That photo of the llama is possibly the best thing I'll see all day. I'm calling it at 9:33 am so that means it's either pretty dang funny or it's going to be a long, dull day. Although it did make me laugh out loud so I think that means it's funny.
Sorry about the spitter in the household. I have one too, if it makes you feel better.
HeatherPrides last blog post..http://viewfromtheshortbus.blogspot.com/2008/08/quiktrip-is-not-grocery-store.html" rel="nofollow">QuikTrip is Not a Grocery Store
My three year old cannot resist reaching around to check out his bum after he has pooped... and before I get a chance to wipe. It's a compulsion and as many times as I've told him to keep hands front, he cannot help himself. Ewwwwwwwww
Jills last blog post..http://charmingdelightful.blogspot.com/2008/08/wound-too-tight.html" rel="nofollow">Wound too tight
Have you seen Spitz circa 2008? Hubba hubba! He's aged very well indeed.
someone, a grandmother lady in fact, once told me that raising children is like civilizing wild animals. since my girls were tiny babies at the time, strapped into car seats, i had no idea what she could mean. spit, poop, pee and loads of other disgusting stuff on the floor later, i realize that woman was a genius.
ms picket to yous last blog post..http://postpicket.blogspot.com/2008/08/glass-house.html" rel="nofollow">Glass House
That's gross. Not the part about your child spitting, but the part about where you tried it. Eeeeew, grody to the max.
And my kid? He farts rainbows.
Natalies last blog post..http://fromheretothereaz.blogspot.com/2008/08/network-solutions-my-as.html" rel="nofollow">Network SOLUTIONS, My A$s
Code Name Alice likes to bring in dead dragons. She rips their heads off and leaves them scattered around the floor. Once, she brought in a live on and just batted it around a bit. It made the most god-awful racket, destroyed our living room.
Spitting is a sign of respect in some cultures. Perhaps your little one is just a budding diplomat :)
Sleep Deprivation Ninjas last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/SleepDeprivationNinja/~3/364672600/cleanliness-is-next-to-vomitous.html" rel="nofollow">Cleanliness is Next to Vomitous
I walked into my daughter's room yesterday morning and she had pulled her diaper off from under her onesie and proceeded to arrange her feces in her crib. It was gross.
My son does the typical pick your nose and taste it routine.
I think they're perfect. Occasionally perfectly gross. But perfect.
At least it's not poo smearing, right?
Oh my goodness, I needed that laugh this morning. Thank you!
Huckdolls last blog post..http://huckdoll.blogspot.com/2008/08/huckdolls-illy-picks-august.html" rel="nofollow">Huckdoll's Illy Picks - August
I guess it's the risk you take when the baby is a girl. She's got some catching up to do if she wants to keep up with the boys...Next on her list of things to do: light her farts!
lynettes last blog post..http://myundercoverlife.blogspot.com/2008/08/tag-im-it.html" rel="nofollow">Tag! I'M it
Our son doesn't spit, but he peed on the bathroom floor last night.
Girls spit now, dude. Its a new thing...started with extreme sports or something. Its totally dope. I've been giving my daughter Skoal Bandits since one, and she can really let em fly...the boys love it.
BTW, if you're able to work up some long gooey ones, try letting it fly towards the ceiling or a chain ling fence. Beautiful.
Matts last blog post..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/08/12/calling-all-preemies/" rel="nofollow">Calling All Preemies!
I've only had the spitting thing with my sons, not the girl. Two of three is quite enough.
Saw your comment over at The Bloggess and let me just say - OH MY GOD. Un-freaking-believable.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MilkBreathAndMargaritas/~3/364084361/your-olympic-dream-phelps-losing-his.html" rel="nofollow">Your Olympic Dream & Phelps Losing His Drawers
The only time I tried it, I didn't get enough oomph behind it and it dribbled on my chin. So no, I don't get the whole thing about spitting. However, I think it's hysterical that your little girl is the spitter in the family now. I'd love to know where she learned - is this something they're teaching on Sesame Street now?
What a timely post--my youngest, age 3, has just recently become a spitter. He does it when he's frustrated. A big ole spray of spittle. Endearing, no?
In the Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..http://sarahviz.blogspot.com/2008/08/ask-and-ye-shall-receive.html" rel="nofollow">Ask and Ye Shall Receive
Yes, I am laughing and pointing. How did you know? But I can do that now because my youngest is almost 20 and the trauma of raising young ones along with mid-life hormones and heavy drinking have erased my memories of the kids' disgusting habits. Hang in there - things will be better in 20 years or so.
Maybe she could be the first Olympic spitter?
Jennifers last blog post..http://injennifershead.com/?p=231" rel="nofollow">Comrade Obama
Don't feel bad, it took more than a month to figure out what was happening to my conditioner. Hint: It WAS related to the fact that my kid's hair was always greasy even after a shower.
Jennifers last blog post..http://injennifershead.com/?p=231" rel="nofollow">Comrade Obama
My littlest is a drooler not a spitter. He'll stand there with a mouth full of milk, laughing as it drools down his chin. Classy act this one.
Nells last blog post..http://mamaguse.blogspot.com/2008/08/triplets.html" rel="nofollow">Triplets
I have 2 older boys, and a little girl.
I know nothing about this behavior you're speaking of . . .
*runs away laughing.
Carries last blog post..http://www.stopscreamingimdriving.com/2008/08/epiphony.html" rel="nofollow">An Epiphany
mi pequeño ángel accidental. hahaha hi-larious
punk rock moms last blog post..http://joeyelissasophia.blogspot.com/2008/08/rose-by-any-other-name.html" rel="nofollow">A Rose by any other Name
It is things like this that make me really question my desire to re-spawn.
I do not miss the spitting. Not one little bit.
Loralees last blog post..http://loraleeslooneytunes.com/2008/08/14/sideblog-great-diet-friendly-food-finds/" rel="nofollow">Sideblog: Great diet-friendly food finds!
That spitting thing never really goes away. They get bigger and learn how to spit farther and with greater volume.
Jacks last blog post..http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/2008/08/heart-breaker-or-heart-broken.html" rel="nofollow">Heart Breaker or Heart Broken
OMG LMAO!!!
Spitting totally icks me out.....it's the one bodily function I can not deal with.
Qweenies last blog post..http://qweeniescourt.blogspot.com/2008/08/crap-i-meant-to-get-done-before-labor.html" rel="nofollow">Crap I meant to get done before Labor Day....(Thursday Thirteen)
Your little one has a mind all of her own. I can't understand how you manage to do anything when your constantly cleaning up after your brood.
One Moms Opinions last blog post..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/08/john-edwards.html" rel="nofollow">John Edwards
There ARE worse habits than that! She'll grow out of it, I'm sure . . . :)
Mozi Esme's Mommys last blog post..http://moziesme.blogspot.com/2008/08/meet-mavinga.html" rel="nofollow">Meet Mavinga
Ok, true confession here. I like spitting. My sister and I used to have spitting contests. For years I would spit into any running water I was near or crossed. I don't know why. I admit I don't spit much anymore. I guess I've grown out of it. So, I am sure the Baby will too. It will probably only take another 30 years or so. She will probably be cleaning up her own spit by then and if you are lucky living on her own.
janethesanes last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/YouSeeWhatYouWantToSee/~3/365318707/true-that.html" rel="nofollow">True That
I like to spit watermelon seeds...but most of ours are seedless these days, so no spitting here.
My boys? Spit ALL THE TIME if there is water involved, but have trouble spitting toothpaste.
And the "easy, tiger" line? cracked my stuff up!
pgoodnesss last blog post..http://pgoodness.com/2008/08/14/super-goodness/" rel="nofollow">Super Goodness!
Just curious, what would be worse: her spitting, or if she loved asparagus?
Aprils last blog post..http://formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com/2008/08/little-things.html" rel="nofollow">The Little Things
You ever wonder what say a few different food chewed up and spit back out look like? I was just hoping for simple normal eating disorder... at least she'd look good? No, fill the mouth, chew for 5 minutes, deposit new chewed substance... on a pillow... on a dog... IN MY HAND.
Then I love the walking down the hall, knuckle deep lobotomy. This is not the disgusting part cause I have 3 kids and can pick their noses myself. It's when 2of3 sees his been str8 busted; he quickly removes his hand and declares "I want a hug!" and runs up to me, wraps his arms around me and proceeds to wipe his bowgie on my butt...
10f3 is a bit different as a kid... not really anything weird, cept for the OCD washing of the hands... somethings not right with that one...
Gnillepss last blog post..http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2008/08/15/meet-the-fuckers-pt-1/" rel="nofollow">Of All My Demon Spirits, I Need You The Most