;)
Thursday
Aug282008
The Best Part Is, He Doesn't Even READ My Blog. Bygones.
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 2:19AM
Dear Chris,
The greatest thing that has ever happened to me in the 5+ year relationship we've had happens today. After all these years of waiting patiently, you turn 30. Which is FINALLY a respectable age for a mother of 3 to have a crush on someone. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.
I don't know why I can't write this post for you today. Maybe it's because I might see you tomorrow, maybe it's because you are, indeed, 30 and it's time to measure my responses to you, maybe it's because I've written you so many of these, I've used up all the words. Whatever it is, I can't seem to get this right. And you know I've been writing this for months.
I have followed you through so many transitions in your life so far, and the way you have grown and changed has amazed me, mostly because of how you haven't really changed at all. The Chris that played XBox and hung my kids art on his walls and thought about everything a little too much is still the Chris today that has The Career and The House and The Dog. You've grown, you've improved, you've gotten better, but you'll always be you. And thank god for that, because you is pretty damn alright.
I am sitting here, with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, trying to write this to you. Why? I don't know. I've never not known what to say to you. In fact, I usually say far too much. Today, it just doesn't seem enough to say I Love You or Thank You. I feel like there's a bigger way to explain what you are in my life, because I think that thing you are in my life is bigger than we ever intended it to be.
You always seemed *this* much too young for me to admit an admiration for, and today you are old enough. You always seemed *this* much too young for me to really talk about life, about my life, about the things that make me tick with, and today you are old enough. You always seemed *this* much too young for me to really need, and today you are old enough. Maybe that's what's got me rattled. Maybe now I have to really admit how much I admire you, how much I want you to know every little thing there is about me, and me you, and how much I need you in my life.
I'm not particularly good at needing things, in case you hadn't noticed. It kind of wiggs me out.
Sometimes, when you've really got my goat, as you are so very capable of doing, I wish for just a second that I hadn't been sitting on that stoop when you walked past, that you hadn't been holding that damn book, that I hadn't found the courage to say something about it. In those moments when I dream that I'd never met you, I think of all the roads we've walked these past 5ish years, and how you have grown into my family and I yours, how everything that happens in our lives from here on out includes you in some way, even when you don't know it. I imagine the roads you will most likely walk down this coming decade, and how someday I'll get to see you become a husband, and then a father, and I cannot for one second imagine missing any of that. There is no where I would rather be than right there by your side as this next chapter in your life unfolds. Because, as it does, it will be grand and beautiful and something indeed to behold.
And so, today, 30 years after the day your mother delivered you in the front seat of her car, our relationship shifts a little. We grow up today. Today I will not tell you how much I love you, because you already know that, and I will not thank you for every single thing you have done for and brought to my family, but I will say this; You sir, knowing you, having you be a part of this little life I'm trying to lead, has been a greater honor than I think I deserve. Me, my children, everyone you touch; we are all better people for having you in our lives. I hope to still be writing you these on your 40th birthday, and I know that if I do, I won't really have that much different to say. And that is the beauty of you.
All my love, all my life.
S
And yeah, if none of that came out, I was just going to post this and walk away. It's good to always have a back up.
The greatest thing that has ever happened to me in the 5+ year relationship we've had happens today. After all these years of waiting patiently, you turn 30. Which is FINALLY a respectable age for a mother of 3 to have a crush on someone. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.
I don't know why I can't write this post for you today. Maybe it's because I might see you tomorrow, maybe it's because you are, indeed, 30 and it's time to measure my responses to you, maybe it's because I've written you so many of these, I've used up all the words. Whatever it is, I can't seem to get this right. And you know I've been writing this for months.
I have followed you through so many transitions in your life so far, and the way you have grown and changed has amazed me, mostly because of how you haven't really changed at all. The Chris that played XBox and hung my kids art on his walls and thought about everything a little too much is still the Chris today that has The Career and The House and The Dog. You've grown, you've improved, you've gotten better, but you'll always be you. And thank god for that, because you is pretty damn alright.
I am sitting here, with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, trying to write this to you. Why? I don't know. I've never not known what to say to you. In fact, I usually say far too much. Today, it just doesn't seem enough to say I Love You or Thank You. I feel like there's a bigger way to explain what you are in my life, because I think that thing you are in my life is bigger than we ever intended it to be.
You always seemed *this* much too young for me to admit an admiration for, and today you are old enough. You always seemed *this* much too young for me to really talk about life, about my life, about the things that make me tick with, and today you are old enough. You always seemed *this* much too young for me to really need, and today you are old enough. Maybe that's what's got me rattled. Maybe now I have to really admit how much I admire you, how much I want you to know every little thing there is about me, and me you, and how much I need you in my life.
I'm not particularly good at needing things, in case you hadn't noticed. It kind of wiggs me out.
Sometimes, when you've really got my goat, as you are so very capable of doing, I wish for just a second that I hadn't been sitting on that stoop when you walked past, that you hadn't been holding that damn book, that I hadn't found the courage to say something about it. In those moments when I dream that I'd never met you, I think of all the roads we've walked these past 5ish years, and how you have grown into my family and I yours, how everything that happens in our lives from here on out includes you in some way, even when you don't know it. I imagine the roads you will most likely walk down this coming decade, and how someday I'll get to see you become a husband, and then a father, and I cannot for one second imagine missing any of that. There is no where I would rather be than right there by your side as this next chapter in your life unfolds. Because, as it does, it will be grand and beautiful and something indeed to behold.
And so, today, 30 years after the day your mother delivered you in the front seat of her car, our relationship shifts a little. We grow up today. Today I will not tell you how much I love you, because you already know that, and I will not thank you for every single thing you have done for and brought to my family, but I will say this; You sir, knowing you, having you be a part of this little life I'm trying to lead, has been a greater honor than I think I deserve. Me, my children, everyone you touch; we are all better people for having you in our lives. I hope to still be writing you these on your 40th birthday, and I know that if I do, I won't really have that much different to say. And that is the beauty of you.
All my love, all my life.
S
And yeah, if none of that came out, I was just going to post this and walk away. It's good to always have a back up.
Reader Comments (32)
It's posts like this that make me say "December 10th, write it down, love it, plan for it."
Or like, "wow. You can write really good."
Happy Birthday Chris
Beautifully written =)
Nancys last blog post..http://mariemillard.blogspot.com/2008/08/sistah-hillary.html" rel="nofollow">Sistah Hillary
Wonderful post. Very sweet. :o)
RobMonroes last blog post..http://rob.mdmonroes.com/2008/08/expectant-dog.html" rel="nofollow">The Expectant Dog
Wow. I wish I was Chris.
Ellies last blog post..http://meandyouandellie.blogspot.com/2008/08/little-girl-big-dog.html" rel="nofollow">Little Girl, Big Dog
Elton does always say it so well. Or Bernie Taupin, but whatver. Very sweet letter.
CarolynOnlines last blog post..http://carolynonline.blogspot.com/2008/08/train-to-weirdville-platform-2.html" rel="nofollow">Train to Weirdville: Platform 2.
Happy Birthday Chris!
Marias last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ImmoralMatriarch/~3/376786233/" rel="nofollow">Thank You, Hilary.
You are as funny as you think you are. You're one of the my favorite writers to read, which is why you're in my reader. I know when I open your window, I'll read instead of scan, and I'll smile at least a couple of times. Thanks.
:) Classic Elton...nice.
Well. I hope he reads at least this part of your blog. You amaze me to be able to have that much love for someone, and to be able to see past the problems and still just-love. I REALLY wish I were more like you. And I hope he realizes how truly lucky he is.
Koris last blog post..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/08/there-will-be-time.html" rel="nofollow">There Will Be Time...
Mr Lady, that's beautiful, if he's not all teary at this he never will be.
And FANTASTIC choice of song.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/08/losing-words-winning-battles.html" rel="nofollow">Losing words & winning battles
Lovely post!
(and, nothing personal, but after I typed "Lovely" I laughed a little bit, because though you are a lovely person, most of the time your posts are snarky, hilarious, honest, right-on, smart, well-written, and thoughtful...but I don't often think of them as "lovely". Bygones?)
Melisas last blog post..http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com/2008/08/better-late-than-never.html" rel="nofollow">Better Late Than Never
I hope he reads this. It was a perfect birthday tribute.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..http://playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren.com/2008/08/28/gonads/" rel="nofollow">GoNads
Happy birthday to Chris! Hope he reads this.
Happy Birthday to Chris. Your post is a great tribute.
Happy Birthday Chris!
Natalies last blog post..http://www.startingfromhere.com/?p=139" rel="nofollow">The Little Pink Lines
That, that really makes me want to know Chris.
WOW, that was a beautiful post, you made me tear up. Happy Birthday to Chris!
Mimis last blog post..http://mimxymimiunplugged.blogspot.com/2008/08/gay-marriagecivil-unions-why-do-we.html" rel="nofollow">Gay Marriage/Civil Unions Why do we (Heterosexual) Care?
What a nice tribute. Now I feel even shittier that I got my husband a Shoebox greetings card for his birthday, AND it's still sitting on my desk, three days after his birthday.
manager moms last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/blogspot/BwvF/~3/376200178/ill-take-manhattan.html" rel="nofollow">I'll Take Manhattan
Beautifully written. Must be a beautiful man.
Shannon.. this was beautiful. and the song. perfection, like you.
Kims last blog post..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2008/8/28/nie-nie-day-is-here.html" rel="nofollow">Nie Nie Day is Here.
What did you write for your HUSBAND on his B-Day? =p
Wow. I need to meet this Chris guy. ;)
Wow. Really, Shan? You never cease to amaze me. And everyone else, it seems.
You've got a knack. I've said before, I'll say it again-you gather up the essence of the person you're writing about and then gently, carefully, perfectly, release it into written form and post it for the world. We need more honest, beautiful people like you.
By the way, Gnilleps: you'll get your turn. Don't worry. I'm sure she's got something up her tricky sleeve!
flickrlovrs last blog post..http://idblogthaton.blogspot.com/2008/08/hows-about-little-q.html" rel="nofollow">How's About A Little Q&A?
Happy birthday to Chris; he sounds like a very special guy.
And I love this Elton.
Chris: Take good care of our girl. (Yes, our girl) she's touched our lives in a very special way...and yours too as it appears. Happy Bday dude.
Hey Lady! Elton John sucks cock............literally. Who the fuck is Chris? Sounds like a decent guy..................wish him a Happy B-Day. Peace, Mike.
Best Godfather ever. I'm so glad you're getting to see him this weekend. Maybe you should let him read this post?
Latte Mommys last blog post..http://lattemommy.blogspot.com/2008/08/abc-easy-as-1-2-3.html" rel="nofollow">ABC, Easy as 1-2-3...
Wait, I have so many questions! You should have a FAQ section for us newbies. Who is this guy? A boyfriend? A crush? A friend? I need to know!
Happy Hour Sues last blog post..http://happymealsandhappyhour.blogspot.com/2008/08/fear-of-flying.html" rel="nofollow">Fear of Flying
@manager mom OMG that had me laughing harder than I could have imagined after getting all weepy and looking over at my normal average husband and thinking about how awesome he is. Thanks for bringing me back to laughterland :)
jennydeckis last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/beyondmom/~3/377407938/562" rel="nofollow">Different Directions – No Map
that was nicely written.
Remember to hire you to write a birthday card for me.
Love your guts, woman.
Loralees last blog post..http://loraleeslooneytunes.com/2008/08/29/maybe-this-isnt-the-best-way-to-escape-my-pain-and-disappointment/" rel="nofollow">I’m not sure this is the best way to deal with my disappointment…
Happy Birthday Chris!
Beautiful post!