Wednesday
Aug062008
The Post That Will Get My Ass Kicked, or Served With Divorce Papers
Wednesday, August 6, 2008 at 2:01AM | Mr Lady
My husband has been reading my blog for damn close to a year now. In fact, he's been reading many of YOUR blogs for several months as well. I am still trying to come to terms with this little arrangement.
The thing is, I used to be able to say Any. Damn. Thing. I wanted to about him, because I went to such great lengths to keep this blog, to keep our little thing, a secret. Now that it's out there, I kind of have to temper myself. Which means I omit a lot. But not today, dear readers, not today.
See, The Donor's work week is Tuesday - Saturday, and since he's been out of town for the past week, he's the slightest bit backed up at work right now. I am hoping, nigh praying, that means it'll be until this weekend before he pops in for a read. And though I am terribly witty and tragically hot, he kind of lives with me. He doesn't exactly scroll back through the posts. (I think) (I hope) (We'll see)
So, without further ado, here's a few of the conversations we've had over the past week, that he will positively murder me for posting on a public forum. Bring it:
Via text
Him: Fucking (insert friend in Portland's name here) has a Porsche.
Me: You have a huge (censored). You win.
Him: No, YOU win.
Me: I'd much rather (bleep) you in the back of the station wagon than a Porsche anyday. More wiggle room.
Him: You so nasty.
Me: Bring your suburban sell-out ass over here; I'll show you some nasty.
Him: .........
Me: Too far?
Him: .........
Via email:
Him: I love this blog thing. It's like I don't even have to talk to you anymore.
Me: ..........
On the porch:
Him: (about yesterday's post) The Mile High Club, huh? Are you a member? *glare*
Me: Nope. The only person I've ever flown with is my brother.
Him: *continued glare*
Me: SO NO.
Him: *giggle* Well, technically you are. Denver and all. *wink*
Me: I guess you're right. You know, you're the only person I've ever done it with at sea level.
Him: *shoots soda out nose* Not cool, Shan. NOT COOL.
The thing is, I used to be able to say Any. Damn. Thing. I wanted to about him, because I went to such great lengths to keep this blog, to keep our little thing, a secret. Now that it's out there, I kind of have to temper myself. Which means I omit a lot. But not today, dear readers, not today.
See, The Donor's work week is Tuesday - Saturday, and since he's been out of town for the past week, he's the slightest bit backed up at work right now. I am hoping, nigh praying, that means it'll be until this weekend before he pops in for a read. And though I am terribly witty and tragically hot, he kind of lives with me. He doesn't exactly scroll back through the posts. (I think) (I hope) (We'll see)
So, without further ado, here's a few of the conversations we've had over the past week, that he will positively murder me for posting on a public forum. Bring it:
Via text
Him: Fucking (insert friend in Portland's name here) has a Porsche.
Me: You have a huge (censored). You win.
Him: No, YOU win.
Me: I'd much rather (bleep) you in the back of the station wagon than a Porsche anyday. More wiggle room.
Him: You so nasty.
Me: Bring your suburban sell-out ass over here; I'll show you some nasty.
Him: .........
Me: Too far?
Him: .........
- Valuable Lesson Aside: Do not point out to the approaching-mid-life-crisis-suburban-sell-out that he is a suburban-sell-out, no matter what degree of nasty you attach to it.
Via email:
Him: I love this blog thing. It's like I don't even have to talk to you anymore.
Me: ..........
- Wow, He's Flexible Aside: I didn't realize he could actually get his foot all the way up to his mouth. He should do YOGA.
On the porch:
Him: (about yesterday's post) The Mile High Club, huh? Are you a member? *glare*
Me: Nope. The only person I've ever flown with is my brother.
Him: *continued glare*
Me: SO NO.
Him: *giggle* Well, technically you are. Denver and all. *wink*
Me: I guess you're right. You know, you're the only person I've ever done it with at sea level.
Him: *shoots soda out nose* Not cool, Shan. NOT COOL.
- Hello, My Name Is: Aside: Mary. My name is Mary. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Reader Comments (69)
So, do you think he'll be able to text those divorce papers?
Actually, you've now told the world about his huge (bleep). I think you can safely post whatever you damn well feel like for at least a month!
DisgruntledMoms last blog post..http://disgruntledmom.com/2008/08/06/the-real-housewives-of-middle-america/" rel="nofollow">The Real Housewives of Middle America
Greetings Mr. Lady,
A lot of us read blogs through feedreaders which only display the title of posts.
If you were hoping your husband wasn't going to scroll back, having a nice boring title like "Eco-tourism opportunities in the Northwest Territories." would be a little safer than "The Post That Will Get My Ass Kicked, or Served With Divorce Papers".
If you REALLY wanted to keep things safe, go with "Feelings - part 3/23" or "If the tampon fits". These would keep any self respecting owner of Y-chromosones FAR away.
With your title, you've all but ensured that your husband will click through. So you better hope he doesn't use a feedreader like me. If he's reading multiple sites, though...
Oh, and I agree with DisgruntledMom. He may be pissed about your post, but if you don't watch out, he's going to be famous - think of the crowds he'd pull at BlogHer! After all, they're a community that wants to "... create opportunities for women who blog to pursue exposure..." (from their website).
Hmmm, what should we classify as huge?
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/08/end-is-nigh.html" rel="nofollow">The end is nigh
MPS has just started reading my blog. Well he has just started ADMITTING that he does. And he gets rather questioning about the men that read.
Not that any men read this blog and ogle her or anything Mr Mr Lady...
Do you think I fooled him?
Kelleys last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MagnetoBoldToo/~3/357014797/" rel="nofollow">Don’t breathe on me.
I love you. That's all.
Veronicas last blog post..http://somedaywewillsleep.com/?p=882" rel="nofollow">Coffee
HA! See, this is the reason why I haven't told my family about my blog yet. There's something very liberating about posting whatever the f*ck you please!
calicobebops last blog post..http://calicobebop.blogspot.com/2008/08/stupid-fitted-sheet.html" rel="nofollow">Stupid Fitted Sheet
*snigger*
You funny.
Hope you don't get caught.
tiffs last blog post..http://www.mythreeringcircus.com/2008/08/doctorland-and-other-stuff/" rel="nofollow">Doctorland and other stuff.
Oh dear God woman, this was hysterical.
ohmommys last blog post..http://www.classychaos.com/2008/08/anniversary-bit-of-tmi.html" rel="nofollow">The Anniversary: a bit of TMI
If you and your husband are still sending each other sexy texts, I wouldn't worry about divorce.
I actually wish my husband read my blog more. His attitude is, "I already know everything that happened."
Zellmers last blog post..http://zlikezebra.blogspot.com/2008/08/grass-is-always-colder.html" rel="nofollow">The grass is always colder
Quick now post three new entries with pictures of small children to hide this one and you're golden.
CarolynOnlines last blog post..http://carolynonline.blogspot.com/2008/08/57-channels-and-nothings-on.html" rel="nofollow">57 Channels and Nothing's On
First, I love the questions in this form. "Pink, no blue, ahhhhhhhhh" Second, what the heck is to get all bent out of shape about in this post? You told the world he has a big (censored) and you'd do nasty wiggly things with him in the back of a station wagon. Not only is that true love, that's pretty hot!
Hockeymans last blog post..http://hockeyman.wordpress.com/2008/08/04/where-is-that-off-switch/" rel="nofollow">Where is that off switch?
Since I mostly post about my husband and his illness, I always watch what I say about him anyway. His family reads my blog. My family reads my blog. I'm thinking I am of the age where any degree of nastiness between us is just not a pretty picture to anyone but us anymore.
KEEP BELEIVING
Angie @ KEEP BELIEVINGs last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/KeepBelieving/~3/357013963/prayer-request.html" rel="nofollow">A prayer request...
So I shouldn't mention that time we....
Or maybe I should. Everyone likes hot fiction
Jennifers last blog post..http://injennifershead.com/?p=227" rel="nofollow">#dontGo movement
Oh, I'm so glad you're risking your marriage to put this on the internet for all of us! You just made my morning. Thankfully, my boyfriend has a million other things to do than read my blog, so I'm totally off the hook!
Kitchen Vixens last blog post..http://vixeninthekitchen.blogspot.com/2008/07/lessons-learned.html" rel="nofollow">Lessons Learned
I keep telling you, between the cleaning and the huge...I want your hubby for a day-suburban sell-out or not. And yeah, you are SO right about the station wagon thing-better than a porsche any day for that. Not that I would know. In fact, I don't even know what you are talking about, you nasty woman you! :)
Koris last blog post..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/08/criminals-on-loose.html" rel="nofollow">Criminals on the Loose
There's something about Mary.
(franks n beans!)
Marges last blog post..http://wheremytruthlives.wordpress.com/2008/08/04/magnum-opus/" rel="nofollow">Magnum Opus
Just be grateful that all of your husband's office doesn't read your blog. Because THAT is awkward. And I should know.
hahahaha
He can't be too mad, can he? I mean you broadcast to the whole world what a huge, er, Porsche, he has. He's the man!
Jills last blog post..http://charmingdelightful.blogspot.com/2008/08/wtf-wednesday.html" rel="nofollow">WTF? Wednesday
He should be flattered and stuff that you post about him at all...So there. Oh and A Porche is a cover for a small penis. Just sayin'.
KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..http://abitsquirrelly.blogspot.com/2008/08/can-you-have-six-pack-with-stretch.html" rel="nofollow">Can You Have A Six-Pack With Stretch Marks?
I lulz. Don't make me be falling in love with your husband too, because if that happens I will have to move into your house and become ya'lls housecat or something. And unless HBO has done a series on that kind of thing? Well then it is just too weird for me to be comfortable with.
anne nahms last blog post..http://annenahm.com/?p=491" rel="nofollow">Finding the Center
I just have nothing witty to say that can even come close to this post. I am out of the funny. Though I suppose the whole foot in mouth penchant was nullified by him not saying that you have a huge (censored). God, that would be some sucky words to hear.
I recall that airplane trip differently.... LOL Yuck
Gnillepss last blog post..http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2008/08/06/this-may-backfire/" rel="nofollow">The Post That Will Get My Ass Kicked, or Served With Divorce Papers
LMAO! I hope you don't get caught! But talking about his wang should keep you in the clear.
You can't possibly get your ass kicked for that post. You just told the whole internet world that he has a huge d*$!
Kathryns last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/SeekingSanity/~3/357331723/ww-fishing-buddies.html" rel="nofollow">WW- Fishing Buddies
You two are so funny! And I don't really see any reason why he shouldn't read this post. But then again, I don't know him, AT ALL, so who am I to say?
Robinas last blog post..http://justanotherday-bina.blogspot.com/2008/08/mummies-and-mirrors.html" rel="nofollow">Mummies and Mirrors
Suburban sell-outs are the nastiest, hiding behind all that Tupperware and Avon, short lawns and golf buddies. I once was almost defeated by a Sara Lee junky. She threatened me with berry pie and a warm house. Surely there was poison in the pie and bear traps in the bed... ninja vanish ***
Sleep Deprivation Ninjas last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/SleepDeprivationNinja/~3/357287657/fits-of-laughter.html" rel="nofollow">Fits of Laughter
You're so funny.
So does a airplane hand job count for the Mile High Club? Just wondering.
The "huge" comment alone gives you your get out of jail free card. Until he starts smoking a pipe and wearing bermuda shorts with black socks, sandals and sock garters, he's not a sell out. There, I just wrote his Christmas list for him.
NukeDads last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Nuclearfamilywarheadcom/~3/355045514/" rel="nofollow">Tax Free Weekend Death Shopapalooza
LushMan reads my blog too and yesterday, after he read it, the only thing he said to me was "Fuck you." Nice, huh? It wasn't *my* fault he dropped the concrete on his foot.
nottryingforaboys last blog post..http://nottryingforaboy.com/2008/08/06/crashed/" rel="nofollow">Crashed
Freaking hysterical. I find it ironic and funny that you used to be so secretive about your blog with nearly everyone that personally knew you and now your hubby is reading.
Dianes last blog post..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/08/technical-issues.html" rel="nofollow">Technical issues
In the future, you should name these posts something like "a Shopping Guide" - then he'd be less tempted to read them!
Hilarious!
I try to keep hubs off the blog now, since he's started reading. Bummer. He's good fodder. Not to mention the sex stories I can't post. But to him - not so funny.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MilkBreathAndMargaritas/~3/356792742/white-space.html" rel="nofollow">White Space
Love it! Hope you get away with it. ;)
Jainas last blog post..http://girl-with-the-camera.blogspot.com/2008/08/miracle-monday-subtle-ways.html" rel="nofollow">Miracle Monday: Subtle Ways
I'm laughing. Just laughing.
Hubs doesn't read my blog, which is good and bad :-)
You are too funny.
Note to myself Whynot will never read my blog. Maybe your husband will take you up on your offer to BLEEP in the back of the station wagon and it will distract him from your post.
Megryansmoms last blog post..http://lookitsmegryansmom.blogspot.com/2008/08/hump-day.html" rel="nofollow">Hump Day
His, "I don't even have to talk to you anymore." reminds me of my own hubby. LOL - you guys crack me up.
"Skinny Ass" and I have similar text msgs, and if I'm particularly... specific (lol) - it's even brought him running home.
MammaDawgs last blog post..http://www.mammadawg.com/2008/08/denver-relocation-tidbits.html" rel="nofollow">Denver Relocation Tidbits
I absolutly LOVE trading txt and email filled with sex. Too much fun.
Foot in mouth disease is serious. He should see someone about that.
Misss last blog post..http://ruraandmiss.wordpress.com/2008/08/03/its-what-we-deserve/" rel="nofollow">It’s What We Deserve…
hmm. the sexiest text i have gotten so far discussed his angle. then i figured out that cuz he's dyslexic, he really meant angel.
sigh.
the planet of janets last blog post..http://fromtheplanetofjanet.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-never-do-this-but-theres-first-for.html" rel="nofollow">I never do this ... but there's a first for everything
um, i think we might be twins.
i'm just saying...
:)
alis last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/alimartell/mzqi/~3/357358011/" rel="nofollow">a summer bonus. and i don’t know how to be single.
Email was a novelty when I first met my husband. We flirted heavily via email while getting to know each other. Even found out that it had been 2 1/2 years since he had *ahem* been with anyone.
We're just starting to play around with texting...
OK, since men can't see beyond the penis, saying that his is HUGE on this post should buy you an i-will-not-threaten-divorce card. Just sayin'.
MommyCosms last blog post..http://www.mommycosm.com/journal/2008/8/6/wordless-wednesday-how-i-feel-today.html" rel="nofollow">Wordless Wednesday: How I feel today
Oh fuck, I hope Mr. Hot doesn't read mine. If he does, though, he's kept pretty freakin' quiet about it - I'll give him that much.
Rees last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/hotfessional/KKFw/~3/357462586/" rel="nofollow">WW - Frankenmuth Michigan
Having sex in Denver does NOT qualify you for the mile-hi club. Sorry.
Yep, needed this dose of laughter today. Thank you very much.
My husband reads my blog too and that's when I chew his ass. That way he can call himself a idiot and save me the time and save my valuable breath.
Just don't do the same mistake I did on texting. Sent a very personal picture that involved a very large boob (mine) and sent it to the wrong number. Never got a response, so I figure I probably killed the poor sap that looked at the huge nipple or they don't get pix messages. Either way I don't care because when I'm drunk I show my boobs all the time anyway. Just another boob day.
Thanks for the chuckle. And I'm happy that you didn't join the mile high club with your brother, because I would have to never come back. To crack for me!
krissys last blog post..http://firecrackermomma.blogspot.com/2008/08/just-saying.html" rel="nofollow">Just Saying...
Hehehe. The texting thing reminded me that my DH and I have a whole backlog of chat conversations from when we were dating long distance that will never see the light of day--or shouldn't!
*low whistle* Suburban sell-out? That almost made ME feel bad.
Everyone else is right though. He won't remember any of that stuff and will zero in on the part about his, uh...you know. He may even print it out.
Matts last blog post..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2008/08/06/roll-with-the-changes/" rel="nofollow">Roll With The Changes
Girl, you are so flipping funny...I just snorted soda! Hehe...I love ya...you rock! I mean that in the most non-stalker weirdo way.
Kats last blog post..http://kackalacka.com/2008/08/05/doing-the-ipod-shuffleclose-to-the-waffle-house-shuffle-but-notsomuch/" rel="nofollow">doing the ipod shuffle…close to the waffle house shuffle, but then notsomuch
What you should have said, in reference to the Porsche/station wagon debate, is "Size doesn't matter." Then you should have offered to give him something more befitting his size, e.g. a Hummer. Guys who get Hummers can forgive anything.
stpaulslims last blog post..http://www.gomom.com/forum/grownups/love-life/sex-advice-for-the-marrieds" rel="nofollow">Sex Advice For The Marrieds
LMAO. LMMFAO. ROFLMMFBAO.
Marias last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ImmoralMatriarch/~3/357026741/" rel="nofollow">“…and this is my partner, Ovaltine Jenkins.”
Wait. Let me get this straight. If our families read our blogs, we are supposed to be nice when we talk about them? DOOOOD. Hmph.
I loved ya'lls conversations tho. Hilarious. I'd post some of ours, but I can never remember them when I actually sit down to write. Imagine that.
Ashleys last blog post..http://www.bosssanders.com/2008/08/04/laundry-is-for-losers/" rel="nofollow">Laundry Is For Losers
The Husband does not read my blog - apparently it's boring. However, the entire rest of my family has been known to check in with alarming regularity, including my aging grandparents and my MOTHER-IN-LAW. No freedom whatsoever. Also, it's in the rules: he has to forgive you if you announce publicly that he has a huge (censored). Or if you say he can (bleep) like a god.
Karelles last blog post..http://happyhippyraindancer.blogspot.com/2008/06/i-moved.html" rel="nofollow">I moved!