;)
Thursday
Sep182008
It's Not A Sin If We're Married, Right?
Thursday, September 18, 2008 at 12:46AM
The first day with the mother in law, I have to admit, went pretty damn well. The Donor headed out to the airport to pick her up with the kids at noon, leaving me two hours to frantically clean everything I've ignored for a year take a shower, get dressed, and relax. 3of3, who hasn't seen her gramma since she was 5 months old, took all of 30 seconds to warm right up to her. We had a late lunch, a later dinner, an awesome gift exchange, Ding Dongs for dessert and then everyone headed to bed.
I'm sitting on the couch right now looking over the laptop at my husband. A shockingly large pile of Kit-Kats separates us. He's got the UFC on; I've got the blog up.
Good god, I have never wanted to jump on someone so bad in my whole life.
I remember when I was young and just starting out in the world of doing it. I was 19, engaged to a fabulous boy (who will hate me for writing this, sorry) and living at home with my parents. He was, too, but my parents were a bit more open-minded than his (understatement of the year) and so we spent most of our time at my house. We made most of our time at my house. We got really good at sneaking around, at being quiet, at hiding that shit. We never once got caught, even when we were doing things on the dining room table 20 minutes before the dear old parents came home from work that no one should be doing on one's parents dining room table, even when we were right in the middle of the living room when the dear parents were upstairs watching tv. We were stealthy, and yeah, it was totally fun. Maybe it was the whole 'it's more exciting when you don't have permission' thing, or maybe I'm just a perv. Bygones.
Either way, here I am, 14 years later with my husband's mother sleeping one wall away from us, and I have to keep eating Kit Kat after Kit Kat just to keep myself busy enough to not pounce on this poor, unsuspecting man. I really can't explain it; it's just that damn naughty factor that is always my undoing.
We really need to get that hotel room already.
I have this $50 gift certificate for Smarty Pig, which is an online, FDIC insured, short term savings account thingy that I won from Jeremy at Discovering Dad which I could totally put to use saving for a lovely weekend getaway, except the damn thing only works for Americans. Pshaw. So, whoever shares the best 'dear god we need/needed/will be in need of a hotel room story' gets it.
Do your parents live with you? Are they coming to visit? Did you lose something rather important to you on Sunday, January 16th, 1994 while your dad was right above you upstairs cooking bacon and eggs? Leave your story in the comments, and the juiciest story wins on Friday.
I'm sitting on the couch right now looking over the laptop at my husband. A shockingly large pile of Kit-Kats separates us. He's got the UFC on; I've got the blog up.
Good god, I have never wanted to jump on someone so bad in my whole life.
I remember when I was young and just starting out in the world of doing it. I was 19, engaged to a fabulous boy (who will hate me for writing this, sorry) and living at home with my parents. He was, too, but my parents were a bit more open-minded than his (understatement of the year) and so we spent most of our time at my house. We made most of our time at my house. We got really good at sneaking around, at being quiet, at hiding that shit. We never once got caught, even when we were doing things on the dining room table 20 minutes before the dear old parents came home from work that no one should be doing on one's parents dining room table, even when we were right in the middle of the living room when the dear parents were upstairs watching tv. We were stealthy, and yeah, it was totally fun. Maybe it was the whole 'it's more exciting when you don't have permission' thing, or maybe I'm just a perv. Bygones.
Either way, here I am, 14 years later with my husband's mother sleeping one wall away from us, and I have to keep eating Kit Kat after Kit Kat just to keep myself busy enough to not pounce on this poor, unsuspecting man. I really can't explain it; it's just that damn naughty factor that is always my undoing.
We really need to get that hotel room already.
I have this $50 gift certificate for Smarty Pig, which is an online, FDIC insured, short term savings account thingy that I won from Jeremy at Discovering Dad which I could totally put to use saving for a lovely weekend getaway, except the damn thing only works for Americans. Pshaw. So, whoever shares the best 'dear god we need/needed/will be in need of a hotel room story' gets it.
Do your parents live with you? Are they coming to visit? Did you lose something rather important to you on Sunday, January 16th, 1994 while your dad was right above you upstairs cooking bacon and eggs? Leave your story in the comments, and the juiciest story wins on Friday.
Reader Comments (51)
Ok - Here's my submission.
First off, I think we deserve it becuase it's been almost 10 years since we've had anything resembling a real date. Seriously. 10 years.
Ok - My story comes both before and after my wife was a serious part of my life. We dated in Jr. High, went our separate ways when my family relocated, and then brought it all back together about 15 years later and basically picked up where we left off.
During that 15 years - I was living with my parents - and had brought a date home. We were TOTALLY stealthy except for the part where we forgot to get out of the house before my dad woke up. (Navy man - 6am until the day he died)
After an unsuccessful attempt at sneaking my date out of the house. (He was sitting in his chair, staring right at us when we came out, and told me quite plainly that "...we'll talk when you get back."
Amazing how it took me 3 hours to make that 20-minute round-trip drive to take her home. I walk back into the house, very sheepish, and try to make directly for my room. I get stopped and put in the interrogation chair.
So my dad is yelling at me, my mom is sitting across the room smoking and drinking her coffee and at one point I tried unsuccessfully to make the argument that I was in fact 23 and even if it was their house I had rights too.
My father's reaction was priceless: "Under no circumstances will there be any sex in this house!"
My mother's reaction was more so: "You got that right, there hasn't been in years!"
I had to exit the room quickly because I'm sure I would not have survived to this day if he had caught me laughing.
Once upon a time, ShredderFeeder wrote..http://www.shredderfood.com/?p=188" rel="nofollow">Governor Palin’s Reading List
Let's see...
Dear god -
We could really use a vacation because...
The Ogre-Child is almost a year & a half. Her father & I have had a total of 3 nights away from her since her birth. At 3 months, we took a 2 night trip to a local hotel for our anniversary. This year, our anniversary amounted to dinner at home, a movie (which Prince Charming slept through), and ice cream. When we got home we were so relieved to be minus the Terrorist, that we passed out within an hour. I picked the Demon-Spawn up 15 hrs after I dropped her off.
Did I mention we work opposite shifts? That we basically exchange a quick kiss between jobs! Oh yeah, and we want to have another child next year. Though I believe for that to happen we will actually need to be physically in the same room for at least 2 minutes!
What else can I put on my resume? hmmm... I currently have a sinus infection. Will that earn me a sympathy vote? I teach! Does that get me the good citizen vote (or another sympathy vote)?
Ummmm... My future-mother-in-law sat in the delivery room uninvited through my labor. She later told my Mother that she wanted show me the video of Prince Charming's birth!!!! I've been totally traumatized by the mere thought of the idea. I could so use a magic mind eraser. That is a level of personal that I NEVER want to be at with my MIL!!
What else?
Oh yeah!! I'm the FIRST COMMENT!! I should get bonus points for that!
Thanks for your consideration,
The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess!!
P.S. Seriously... think about the MIL thing... Why? AHHHHH!! My retinas are burning at the thought!! AHHHHH!!! Why can't I stop thinking about it? *pop* Yep... that was an anurism! Oh yeah... this statement was followed by her confession that she had been so excited over the birth of her 1st grandchild... that she came into her milk! *PUKE*
Once upon a time, The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess wrote..http://onemorefairytale.blogspot.com/2008/09/abcs-of-me.html" rel="nofollow">ABC's of Me
poo... okay, so I lost the bonus points for first post... but um... the MIL thing!! C'mon!!
Once upon a time, The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess wrote..http://onemorefairytale.blogspot.com/2008/09/abcs-of-me.html" rel="nofollow">ABC's of Me
Let's hear it for insomnia. It does pay from time to time. ;-)
Once upon a time, ShredderFeeder wrote..http://www.shredderfood.com/?p=190" rel="nofollow">Palin’s email hacked…whose fault? You got it!
sigh. i cant think of a juicy story, except when your kids are older? it's TOTALLY like having your mother-in-law in the next room. all the time.
especially when one kid tells you he had to turn the tv up way loud to drown out the squeaking bedsprings.
get me OUTA here!!!!!
Once upon a time, the planet of janet wrote..http://www.fromtheplanetofjanet.com/2008/09/crazy-is-as-crazy-does-and-boy-do-we.html" rel="nofollow">Crazy is as crazy does. And boy, do we ever ...
Or there is this one:
When our eldest son was 3, and conspicuously an only child, my wife and I were enjoying a little "US" time while he was supposed to be napping.
My wife caught a glimpse of something over my shoulder and there was Disorder, at the footboard of the bed.
I could only see from the nose up and he was doing his best "Kilroy was here" impression.
Talk about a mood-crusher.
I'm not being over-competitive tonight, just the product of too much work, WAY too much caffeine, and not nearly enough sleep.
Once upon a time, ShredderFeeder wrote..http://www.shredderfood.com/?p=190" rel="nofollow">Palin’s email hacked…whose fault? You got it!
Being Canadian I have no foot in this contest. Being competitive, I have to tell you about the time when I was oh, about one month before I moved out of my mom's house - we'll say 16ish. And my bedroom door was locked and I was with my boyrfriend, doing what teenagers do best when they think no one's home. Completely unemcumbered - blankets had even been thrown on the floor and everything. And I've always been really flexible. Anyways. My mother burst through the door, breaking the lock and said...(wait for it)
"You guys sure do [expletive deleted] a whole lot. Stand up, Rockstar Ex, I want to see what's so great about you that Zoeyjane can't think of something better to do with her time."
Being a shy, natural do gooder, he stood up. And then she said, "oh, I get it."
If that wouldn't win it, could I add add to Fairy Princess' story with my own version? My Univited (now Ex) Mother In Law in the delivery room, with MY digital camera, taken from MY home, with MY keys (I was in labour so long, she had time to go home to her house, shower, hot roller her hair, catch a nap and then go steal my camera and have a few hours to spare), without MY permission, taking pictures of my lady bits contorting all throughout the crowning/pushing/vacuuming stages? Close up. Like with ZOOM?
But since I'm Canadian, I guess I'll skip this one.
Once upon a time, Zoeyjane wrote..http://mommyismoody.com/2008/09/15/on-being-thankful/" rel="nofollow">On being thankful
I just want to say that I have the dirtiest, filthiest, steamiest, sweatiest tale of innocence lost forever, involving us, two church elders, a giraffe, and a box of popcorn you are ever likely to read.
But hey, the whole America thing. Shame eh?
Once upon a time, Xbox4NappyRash wrote..http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2008/09/is-it-normal.html" rel="nofollow">Is it normal...
You know the date you um, lost that important thingy? Day-um. I don't!
But then again I am old. Just ask my kids. So probably early onset Oldtimers.
When my MIL stayed with us I didn't want to go anywhere near MPS. Except to stab a fork into his temple.
No story here, its always been pretty blantently obvious when I'm up to something.
Just gotta say, I totally agree that naughty factor does kick it up a notch, or several. Good luck with the MIL visit, your man is in for a surprise when she goes home!
Once upon a time, calicobebop wrote..http://calicobebop.blogspot.com/2008/09/guilty-pleasures.html" rel="nofollow">Guilty Pleasures
As a Canadian, I too am unable to actually win. However...
In 2006, my in-laws had sold their home and were living at their cottage while their new one was being built. Originally, they were going to come back home every few weeks for doctor appointments and the like, and stay in a hotel. However, my FIL is too cheap for that, so they stayed with us in our moderately small 3 bedroom semi.
Back then we were trying for our second. It had been a few months without any success when they arrived. The next morning, my wife comes to me and says, "I'm ovulating."
"Are you sure? Isn't that sort of hit and miss?"
"This is probably the surest sign we've had so far."
"Shit. So what do we do?"
Fast forward to that night. With my in-laws 10 feet and 2 cheap, thin doors away, we started.
"Stop. The headboard."
"What?"
"It's hitting the wall. Go get a towel to put behind it."
So I set the towel and we resume.
"Stop."
"Fuck. What is it this time?"
"The mattress is squeaking."
"D'you want me to go get some WD40?"
"No. Can we adjust positions?"
Without getting into details better left for the Kama Sutra, we adjusted positions and resumed once again.
"Stop."
"Oh for fuck's sake!"
"Don't be like that. This is supposed to be romantic."
"Fuck romantic. We left romantic behind when we started out with 'Now, try not to gasp too loud when you cum.' What's wrong now?"
"I forgot the washcloth for you, y'know, after..."
"I'll take a shower."
Finally, mercifully, we finished. And then our 18 month old daughter started calling for Mommy from her crib.
Once upon a time, SciFi Dad wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/TalesFromTheDadSide/~3/394071998/independence.html" rel="nofollow">Independence
Oh that was funny....reminds me so much of my younger days where inappropriateness was everywhere...oh and my current days. Yeah, I´m a sucker for nautiness too. Thank GOD my in-laws don´t live with me, even if they did and it provided extra sex-drive a la sneakiness, it wouldn´t be worth the other 23 and a half hour of the day that I would have to put up with them.
Once upon a time, Bluestreak wrote..http://mybluestreak.blogspot.com/2008/09/dumb-just-dumb-and-funny.html" rel="nofollow">Dumb. Just dumb. And funny.
I tip my hat to Zoeyjane (only because she doesn't pose a threat to my victory!)...
OMFG!! I think our MIL's are RELATED!!
Once upon a time, The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess wrote..http://onemorefairytale.blogspot.com/2008/09/abcs-of-me.html" rel="nofollow">ABC's of Me
SciFi Dad -
*THAT* is priceless. Yes there is no romance when you're worried about someone hearing.
We were lucky enough not to have to "try" for any of ours. It's been said by a very close friend of mine that all i really have to do is stand up-wind to get the job done. My wife and I were the picture of a fertile couple.
That being said, with our kids, Chaos, Panic and Disorder in the house. Sometimes all we've got is 5 minutes and if we don't hurry we might miss it.
Once upon a time, ShredderFeeder wrote..http://www.shredderfood.com/?p=190" rel="nofollow">Palin’s email hacked…whose fault? You got it!
I swore I would take this to my grave, but I could go for some money in the savings account - or a savings account at all!
My daughter is 15 months old but we began "trying" in 2003. Yeah, that'a a lot of time for one kid, but I know that we didn't have to try as long as others.
After a few months of trying on our own we found out that there were some fertility issues to deal with, so we went into the whole infertility treatment process. Before we got into the advanced treatments there was a very regimented schedule of blood tests and ultrasounds to figure out when her body (should) ovluate. When the time is right, my wife gave herself the "magic shot" that forces ovulation. Once that shot is in her leg there is a window of time that there conception can occur - even if you're at the family beach house with the whole aforementioned family about 20 feet away at the kitchen table.
Yup - we did the deed in the basement with at least four people in the dining room just up a few short stairs. We had to go to bed early because we would eventually be sharing the open basement with it's 3 futon's with three other people - so our window within a window was even shorter. There was basically no choice!
After years of trying to concieve there is very little "romance" in sex, especially the designated-for-conception sex. Oh well. I guess it's like practice for once the children are live and breathing.
Once upon a time, RobMonroe wrote..http://rob.mdmonroes.com/2008/09/wordless-wednesday_17.html" rel="nofollow">Wordless Wednesday
I can't even remember the days when I used to look at my husband and want to pounce on him. God I envy you that. I hate getting old and jaded.
Once upon a time, Candy wrote..http://imnopoodle.wordpress.com/2008/09/17/diabolical-dog/" rel="nofollow">Diabolical Dog
My husband and I met while we were in college. We were sort of set up by my roommate and his friend, they'd been dating for a year or so. Anyway, and most people know this, we started off as a one night stand that turned into, "This charming, handsome, funny and smart guy just WILL NOT go away!"
How did this happen? Let me tell you about our tryst and why we laugh about it every time we bring it up.
We'd been at a bonfire party to kick off me and one of my roommate's last year of college. Rob - my now-husband - had been brought up to the party by Jamie's (my roommate) boyfriend, Jason. We hit it off immediately, talking all evening, drinking, sitting really close to each other, getting the butterflies in my tummy, blushing, etc. All that cute shit.
It was pretty well-known that we'd be, um, "together" that night, so when we all trudged home, we paired off and went to our respective rooms. As "events" were transpiring, and we were, uh, "in the moment" when two slats under my cheap-ass college bed slipped out and clattered to the ground, making the rhythmic noise even more pronounced. We knew the bed was being noisy before so now we were certain everyone could hear us. You know how we knew?
There was applause. And laughter. And more applause after we finished up and left the room. *sigh*
When I was in college I had a fantastic love affair with a wildly hot, funny girl whose Catholic mother was in the dark or deep denial about her daughter's life.
Her mother was planning to make the 2-hour drive to visit Celeste on a Saturday to take her shopping for Christmas gifts for their family, attend Sunday mass and return that night. Celeste felt bad she was going to give up almost her entire weekend, so we planned a date for Friday night. When I got to her room to pick her up, she gave me an early Christmas present--a cheaply made, shiny, black, big-tipped, double-headed dildo.
It was partially a joke, because some of our friends had recently become very militant Clit Power about sex being patriarchal if it mimicked straight sex with penetration (hah!) --so the double dick was an awesome, provocative, hellaciously funny thing, and we didn't go out that night. Not so easy to use right out of the bag, though, and we were all over the place with that fucker, just when one would get it right it would pop out of the other, we were kicking all the sheets off the bed, loud, pushing the single bed away from the wall, making a general mess trying to get two turned-on girls to mount this slippery thing at the same time. Finally, one of us just threw it on the floor and we got busy without the eel.
And then the door opened. Celeste's mother had come early, deciding to spend one more night in town so they could enjoy all of Saturday together, and had tried to page Celeste to let her know, I learned later. I'm not entirely sure of what she saw, but she at least saw my ass and my hands all over her daughter, and I'm sure she saw the dildo because her jaw dropped and she went pale. And starred at it. According to Celeste.
I didn't see that because I seriously put a sheet over most of my body and head on that raw mattress and froze. Celeste told me her mother never spoke of the scene, never. And the Eel? A few days later we wrapped him in a Doritos bag and performed a ritual goodbye chanting "Clit Power, Clit Power, Clit Power."
To this day, I don't like double-headers, preferring your standard issue one dong and a harness. True story.
Once upon a time, deb on the rocks wrote..http://www.debontherocks.com/2008/09/checking-in-on-david-duchovny-in-sex.html" rel="nofollow">Checking in on David Duchovny in Sex Addiction Rehab
My husband will be taking our children to visit his parents for two weeks around Thanksgiving. I will join for one week.
My in-laws live in LA, that's Lower Alabama for all you Yanks and Canucks.
They are devout Southern Baptists. We are not.
FIL is a Preacher. He married us. It was quite possibly the worst day of my life.
My MIL is a saint. She will offer me hot tea over and over no matter how many times I say no thank you. And each time she replies, I know you don't like it.
There is no booze in their house. I am forbidden from bring booze into the house. You know, that after only one beer all men become wife beaters. So, it's for my own safety.
We will pray loudly, with hands held, before EVERY MEAL to a god we don't believe in. And there will be no booze.
We might go out to dinner. Somewhere nice. Chilis, maybe.
The guest bedroom is situated above the kitchen. The same kitchen where my MIL sits and reads her bible late into the evening and my FIL reads his at crack o'dawn. The floorboards squeek. There is no insulation between the floors. There will be no marital joy.
And there'll be no booze to dull the pain.
I don't need a hotel for the marital bliss. I need it so I can sleep off the hangover after husband and I hit the bar.
Once upon a time, Catherine wrote..http://pinkasparag.us/2008/09/18/interview-with-wreke/" rel="nofollow">Interview with Wreke
In his room while his mother was at choir practice. We loved it when she went to choir practice.
Once upon a time, Smalltown Mom wrote..http://smalltownmom.blogspot.com/2008/09/frankly-my-dear-episodes-0-6.html" rel="nofollow">Frankly, My Dear (Episodes 0-6)
I got nothing. But can't wait to read what everyone else has to say.
Once upon a time, Jill wrote..http://charmingdelightful.blogspot.com/2008/09/i-dont-feel-like-it.html" rel="nofollow">I don't feel like it
Well. Isn't that nice for everyone who gets to have sex on a regular basis. Or ever did. My second husband put out three times a year. But whatever. I am not feeling very competitive today, and really, I need a hotel room so that I don't smother one of the kids "accidentally" in the middle of the night, but that doesn't count. :)
Once upon a time, Kori wrote..http://korij.blogspot.com/2008/09/to-do-list.html" rel="nofollow">A To Do List
I can't post my story in comments b/c my sister reads this blog and I would be MORTIFIED..... can I email you instead and still qualify?
Oh, how apropos that this ad ran across my Gmail page this morning, what with all the talk of headboards and squeaky bedsprings:
Lubricant to Stop Squeaks - JigaLoo.com - Silence a Squeak With a Single Spray. Learn How from Jig-a-Loo!
Once upon a time, Jill wrote..http://charmingdelightful.blogspot.com/2008/09/i-dont-feel-like-it.html" rel="nofollow">I don't feel like it
Well, I know it's awful but I had to watch the door (from inside the room) for a freind of mine while she got it on with this guy. Apparently the night before his Step-Dad walked in on them. Now this doesn't sound too thrilling I know, but it gets better. The guy she was -with- was still sleeping off a trip, and told her to leave him alone several times. She really had to work at it to keep him -up- All of this as back ground to women's 9-ball on ESPN (yeah that's what I got stuck watching - definatly better than the alternative).
Now on to less than a year after this and I am dating this guy and thinking about moving out with him. (yeah same guy) Forward to present time, Married almost 11 years with one child. I think I should totally win because I can use it (being in America and all) also for the fact that I had to door watch while my as yet unkown husband was um... f***ed by this chick that wouldn't take -later- for an answer.
I wish I had a story to share...but, yeah. Not married yet, and all that goes along with it. Best I could tell you are stolen kisses while we're up at my parent's house, or makeout sessions with his parents in the other room. Not too juicy I don't think.
Once upon a time, Jaina wrote..http://girl-with-the-camera.blogspot.com/2008/09/interview-day.html" rel="nofollow">Interview Day
ONE of my stories...
I went out with my THEN boyfriend, who was on leave, and we went back to his house. Instead of going home, like I should have (because I was only 18, and even if we already HAD a kid, we still weren't married yet), I fell asleep.
The next morning: His dad busts in his room, the bf LEAPS out of bed.. the bottom bunk...I still to this day, have no idea why he had bunk beds in there, he slept in that bedroom ALONE...and his dad & him LEAVE for parts unknown. I'm stuck in the bed, freaking out because 1. This was before the days of everybody having cell phones and it wasn't like I could page him to ask WTF am I supposed to do NOW because 2. everybody ELSE in the family WAS STILL HOME.
So now I'm stranded, NAKED (I was too scared to reach over & grab my dress and it was across the room, and trapped in his bedroom.
Problem solved: my MOM figured out where I was when I didn't come home & called over there and told HIS Mom to put me on the phone. So she comes in & calls me and I pretend to be "sleeping" with the covers pulled up tight and she grabs my FOOT and tells me to 'WAKE UP YOUR MOM IS ON THE PHONE' and then she leaves the room. So then I get dressed, talk to MY mom and then have breakfast with the family while his sister & brother are giving me the HEY YOU'RE A BIG GIANT WHORE look behind their mom's back. And then HIS Mom gave me a ride home.
Thank Goodness I married into this family. LOL
Once upon a time, Lynette wrote..http://myundercoverlife.blogspot.com/2008/09/pshtmahna-mahna.html" rel="nofollow">Psht...Mahna Mahna
Oh my goodness. Look at all these married people who WANT to have sex but cant. Gawd.
My in need of a hotel stories are too bad, even for your blog my darling.
But if we are just talking sex, I once did it with my ex on the hood of my cousin's car. At her sister's wedding. Which was about 20 yards away. The parking lot wasn't exactly hidden either. Oh! When we first started doing it (both clumsy virgins) he insisted we do it on a deflated blow up pool. I still, to this day, do not understand the reasoning behind that. I can see INSIDE the pool blown up, at least for the bouncing, but this sucker was deflated. Flat on the ground. That weird noise that the plastic makes when you move it filling the air. The deflated pool also happened to be sitting in the middle of his parent's living room. It's no suprise that I said yes when he asked me to marry him. *eye roll*
Once upon a time, Miss wrote..http://justmiss.wordpress.com/2008/09/15/for-a-good-time-call/" rel="nofollow">For a good time call…
Sweet cyberporn this is madness. Jk entertaining stuff. My experiences were the standard do it while ex girlfriends parents are in the other room. One time on her living room couch while they were upstairs.
Sex? What's that?
Hubs and I have not had a weekend alone with each other in... oh... 17 years. SEVENTEEN YEARS! *sigh*
This is where I don't think about the fact that I had been having sex for 10 years before you did even though I am only 6 years older than you (walking away with the Scarlet Letter emblazoned on my chest!) :(
Once upon a time, Special K wrote..http://specialk513.blogspot.com/2008/09/sicky.html" rel="nofollow">Sicky
I'd say we need a hotel room because we're trying to get pregnant and it can be hard to keep the romance going in that situation. But, really, I shouldn't be in the competition - we're newlyweds, live alone with no pets, and the nearest set of parents is a 10 minutes drive. I have no reason to complain :)
Once upon a time, Elle Charlie wrote..http://sometimesagirlneedsablog.blogspot.com/2008/09/perfect-idea.html" rel="nofollow">The PERFECT idea!
These are some stories. I'm too dull for this and have no stories of my own to add.
Once upon a time, One Mom's Opinion wrote..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2008/09/baby-steps.html" rel="nofollow">Baby Steps
We were in Germany. The bed was big, real big, maybe it was two beds pushed together. There were three couples' pictures nailed above the beds.
A) The great- grand parents.
B) The grandparents.
C)The parents.
All had slept in the "same" bed.
Imagine how many "stains" this bed must have taken I said to her.
I know.
Then we added our own.
All that's missing...is our picture.
Once upon a time, PAPA wrote..http://www.papatv.com/2008/09/friendly-remind.html" rel="nofollow">Friendly Reminder II
ROTFLMAO!! These are great!! I still want it!!
Once upon a time, The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess wrote..http://onemorefairytale.blogspot.com/2008/09/abcs-of-me.html" rel="nofollow">ABC's of Me
Man, the first few years of my relationship (it's our ten-year-anniversary in a couple of weeks) with my husband was a constant "damn, we need a hotel room" story. Including getting a lot of $17 rooms at a motel called "The Bambi" complete with a sign with... Bambi on it. He got his first BJ from me in the back of my Honda Civic behind a seafood restaurant at like 4 am. I scored for the first time in his TRIPLE OCCUPANCY dorm room on the top bunk with the cliche sock on the door and everything. Insanity.
But the best was trying to have sex in the back seat of his Volvo on a shitty beach on the approach to some bridge in Miami only to look out the window and see a skeezy older man just standing there watching us. Also, that same week getting approached by a cop while making out in the front seat of said Volvo. (I had to drive four hours to see him during the summers and his parents were way-less-than-okay with the idea of us having sex despite the fact that we were 18-20 for the duration of our difficulty-finding-privacy era.)
Once upon a time, Maria wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MommyMelee/~3/395139249/do-you-know-muffin-man.html" rel="nofollow">Do you know the muffin man?
I was all set to add my story to the litany of mortification, when I saw my sister's comment and thought -- "Holy Crap! she is smarter than me." I totally would have written mine down and blown my cover as the "good girl" of the family. I think you should take email submissions too, or allow anonymous comments with accompanying emails to admit who goes with what story. Then we'll all tell stories that will curl your hair, and make your ads all turn to porn sites. Which, of course, is exactly what you want. :)
Once upon a time, MommyTime wrote..http://mommysmartini.blogspot.com/2008/09/top-ten-reasons-i-love-my-kids-daycare.html" rel="nofollow">Top Ten Reasons I Love My Kids' Daycare
Sweet baby jesus thank god neither sets of parents live with us. I'd lose my sanity even faster than it's already draining from my body.
Once upon a time, Chris wrote..http://www.rudecactus.com/2008/09/the_giantheaded_lived_happily.html" rel="nofollow">The Giant-Headed Lived Happily Ever After
I have no stories about my own house. Oh wait, there was the time that the Practice Husband and I had sex after his best friend's wedding (where he was the Best Man). I stayed home and went to sleep. He went back to the reception - with his pants on inside out and his suspenders from his tux wrapped around his legs - backwards or some shit.
;-)
Gramma was downstairs at the time.
Once upon a time, Ree wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/hotfessional/KKFw/~3/396528380/" rel="nofollow">Letter to My Husband
I thought I was reading my own story!
My boyfriend and I both live with our parents - but although is parents are more open to me coming over - he feels uncomfortable (has parent issues) having me come over for the nasty. At my house - totally impossible to do!!
This weekend was the perfect thing because his parents are out of town but he still is uncomfortable - which I understand since his dad is a PASTOR.
*sigh*
Once upon a time, Kathy wrote..http://andsolifebegins.wordpress.com/2008/09/17/remember-what-i-said/" rel="nofollow">Remember what I said?
Um, I don't need a hotel room...my inlaws are staying with us this weekend...heh heh!!! Party time!!!
Can't share. Hubby would be mortified. But I had to tell you that you're making me crave Ding Dongs.
Once upon a time, Missives From Suburbia wrote..http://missivesfromsuburbia.blogspot.com/2008/09/sixth-time-is-charm.html" rel="nofollow">The Sixth Time Is the Charm
I too must respectfully bow out. For the greater good. That being my reputation.
Once upon a time, BusyDad wrote..http://www.busydadblog.com/entries/they-should-slap-a-warning-label-on-this-band.html" rel="nofollow">They Should Slap a Warning Label on this Band
Since I don't have a story to share that I can, in good conscience, share with the thought that one of several key people in my life might come across it and disown me for good...I have to submit a vote:
While I LOVE Zoeyjane's recount of her mother's response to her then-boyfriends...um...form...but I vote for ShredderFeeder...I can't imagine having to sit in the "Interrogation Chair" and then, on top of that, keep from laughing when his mother declares the drought of her own sexual relationship with her husband! Egads! That was a great story...
Once upon a time, Kimmelin wrote..http://kimmelin.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/sisterly-sibling-rivalry/" rel="nofollow">Sisterly Sibling Rivalry
We still aren't teachnically married - yet (coming up on six years together). The first time for me and Homer I thought we were being quiet until my roommate made a point of letting me know the next morning that she couldn't turn her earphones up loud enough. Once my brother was staying over and said the noises we were making were a bit of a turnon (eeew). Once, my grandmother was over and sleeping in the bedroom upstairs - we managed a really quiet session on a blanket on the basement floor. Once his parents offered us the guest room so we didn't have to drive home so late. Once we managed in a tent NEXT to his parents' campsite. We have done a lot of daring things.
Then last year we went to visit my parents (you know, the preacher and the sunday school teacher?). Remember, we aren't technically married (recite from memory all those scriptures I know you know about carnal knowledge and living in sin). It's a tiny little house and we get there fully expecting that one of us will sleep on the sofa and one will share the guest room with my kid. But no, my parents have it all figured out. My mom will sleep on the sofa, Bart in a sleeping bag on the floor near her, my dad will take the guest room, and where will WE sleep? In my father's room. Presumably, TOGETHER. In. His. Bed.
Do you think I could even manage a little foreplay that night? HELL NO.
Once upon a time, Marge wrote..http://wheremytruthlives.wordpress.com/2008/09/17/tulip/" rel="nofollow">Tulip
Let me know if you can supply the man, too. Otherwise, pick someone else. I'm woefully celibate these days.
Not juicy but freakin hilarious:
Dating my then-23 year old ex-husband who was at the time living at the time in his parents basement, I had came over to watch "Pulp Fiction" late one night after a long day at work. Needless to say, nothing happened (I think I fell asleep before Vincent met Mia for the first time). I repeat Nothing Happened that night. I was out like a light on his bed until the next morning and snuck out of the house, not as quietlyas I hoped because I ran into his mom in the living room. We had a brief conversation (about what, I don't know it was a decade ago?!?) and I left.
This is the funny part. Bob came up shortly after I left and his mom decided to have the birth control/do you need condoms conversation this particular day.
1) We did nothing the night before. I wonder what it sounded like when we were busy?
2) He is 23! You gotta be kidding me?!?
God Bless my ex-mother-in-law!
Once upon a time, Kristin wrote..http://klhusby.spaces.live.com/Blog/cns!6565A526319143BC!656.entry" rel="nofollow">If elephants can miss members of their pack, why can't dogs?
Wow, Zoeyjane, so glad you are Canadian, because your story is so damn funny. Your Mom is a piece of work, yo.
I could use a hotel room, but do I have to share it with my husband? I could use some alone time from ALL the cling-ons.
And speaking of alone-time, I have two favorite stories. The first started like this:
"Mommy? Are you ok in there?"
"Yes. Yes. Yes! Um, yes honey. Mommy's fine. Go back to bed."
"I was just wondering. 'Cause you sound like your tummy hurts. Do you need to use the potty?"
"NO HONEY. GO BACK TO BED PLEASE!"
(Oh for the love of GOD....so hard to focus when my babies are trying to comfort me due to my obvious sounds of, er, distress. And I really don't want to think about tummy pain or pooping when I'm that close to heaven! Come on! Work with me, people!)
This next one is a little racier...brace yourselves.
Once while the kids were at school, I had a little "me time" with BOB (my battery operated boyfriend.) Well, I lost track of time, (oh yeah baby), and then I heard the school bus coming and had to throw BOB into the bathroom sink and run to the bus stop. I totally forgot BOB was in the sink. Wouldn't you know it, we had a little friend over for a play date that day and the kids went into my room to look for the cat. Yep. Not easy to explain why Mommy's flashlight is:
1.) neon pink
2.) shaped like a "wiener with a thumb"
3.) tickles when you turn it on, and
4.) doesn't actually light up.
Yeah, I'm thinking that little boy won't be allowed to play at our house ever again. Ooops.
Once upon a time, Iris wrote..http://beardediris.wordpress.com/2008/09/20/clock-punchin/" rel="nofollow">Clock Punchin’
Am I really about to tell the internet how I lost my virginity? Really? Yes, it appears so.
I was 15, had been dating (or whatever we called it back then) this boy for 3 months and was IN LOVE. He lived over 30 minutes away, we went to different schools, neither of us could drive and therefore we rarely got to see each other. We talked on the phone for hours and hours every day though. Most nights I fell asleep on the phone with him. (Puke!)
One weekend I had convinced my parent's to let him come over and we were hanging out. We'd been talking about "doing it" for a few weeks and planned on sealing the deal that day. The only problem was that my parent's were home. My bedroom was upstairs, and my dad didn't like me and Mike to hang out in my bedroom alone, a whole floor away from them. (He's a smart man, my dad.) We kept convincing my parent's to let us go upstairs for just a couple of minutes to look at something or listen to a song or whatever, and each time they would say "Be back down in ten minutes!" and each time we'd go up and make out. Except for when we went up, set the alarm on my clock, took our pants off and did it.
Needless to say, the sex was over before the alarm went off. Those virgin high school boys are not nearly as good at the sex as one would hope.
Oh, and did I mention that all this happened on my parent's wedding anniversary? HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MOM AND DAD! I'm a teenage whore!
Once upon a time, Karly wrote..http://wipingupsnot.com/2008/09/20/were-off-to-see-the-wizard/" rel="nofollow">We’re Off To See The Wizard