Thursday
Jan152009
Handled Delicately
Thursday, January 15, 2009 at 6:13PM | Mr Lady
My sister in law and I have a deal. She handles the drug talks and I handle the sex talks with all four of our kids. Why? Because she, um, well, did the drugs and I did, um, err, everything else*.
So when the phone rang six years ago and she was dry heaving into the line because my nephew had "an accident" the night before, I was totally ready to field that call. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him, I wasn't nervous about it, I was ready. He was 11, it was time. It was my job, my part of the bargain, and I was prepared. Turns out, he wasn't, and his step-father eventually had to handle it.
But isn't it funny how when it's not your kid, it's just no big deal.
And now I have entered the dangerously deep waters of blogging, where there are things I am not at liberty to discuss anymore. All this time, my kids experiences have also been my experiences. Their stories are my stories. Our lives have been intertwined the way children's and parent's lives are supposed to be. But now I have this kid who is just about 11 years old, and his life is just that. HIS. Some things are just not mine to share anymore.
Unless, of course, it involves the laundry, which is my job. Then he's just screwed.
He was asleep on the couch when I came down the other day. When he woke, I casually asked why and he casually replied that he'd had an accident. I nonchalantly reminded him that I peed in his dad's bed once when we were dating, that it happens to the best of us, and we both had a good laugh over the whole thing. As I walked into the kitchen I mumbled over my shoulder, "Don't worry, dude; I'll have your sheets washed before you get ho...."
And that's about when I started dry heaving.
After all, he will be turning 11 soon. He is getting zits. He does smell like the bottom of a horse's foot. It's time, right? Not right. Not time for my baby, nuh uh. So, I'm grinding the coffee beans thinking, "Oh god, what do I DO here? Do I go look? Do I even know what I'm looking for? Do I ask him? Do I smell his sheets? ARGH." While the coffee got to brewing he came in the kitchen for a glass of water, and I, not brave enough to risk the mental image that would be burned into my brain for eternity, put on my therapy grin and just asked him.
"So, are you sure it was pee?"
MAWM.
"Dude, you're almost 11. It could not be pee. Your cousin thought it was pee the first time, too."
MAWWWWWWM.
"So, you're certain that it's pee?"
*crickets*
I asked his father to check things out for me, because yeah, eww. Also, no. Either I forgot to check back in with his father or his father forgot to check in the first place, but after a few hours spent in astonishingly impressive denial I had to go do some laundry downstairs. Whatever, I grab the basket and I get almost all the way down when I see sheets all over the floor.
This cannot still be happening. God save me from this, please. PLEASE.
I gave God the length of time it took me to switch loads, but little did I know that God can hold a grudge for a really long time. The sheets remained crumpled on the floor, and I was left to view the carnage. Alone.
I lifted, with a lightsaber. I poked, with a shoe. I sniffed, from a distance. I looked, through one squinted eye. Friends, the jury is still out. I just don't know what exactly I was looking for, you know? And I am more than happy to call it peepee and get on with my fake plastic life anyway. Now pass the Reader's Digest and let's get on with it.
Not entirely true. I'm kind of a prude, actually. Don't tell anyone.
So when the phone rang six years ago and she was dry heaving into the line because my nephew had "an accident" the night before, I was totally ready to field that call. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him, I wasn't nervous about it, I was ready. He was 11, it was time. It was my job, my part of the bargain, and I was prepared. Turns out, he wasn't, and his step-father eventually had to handle it.
But isn't it funny how when it's not your kid, it's just no big deal.
And now I have entered the dangerously deep waters of blogging, where there are things I am not at liberty to discuss anymore. All this time, my kids experiences have also been my experiences. Their stories are my stories. Our lives have been intertwined the way children's and parent's lives are supposed to be. But now I have this kid who is just about 11 years old, and his life is just that. HIS. Some things are just not mine to share anymore.
Unless, of course, it involves the laundry, which is my job. Then he's just screwed.
He was asleep on the couch when I came down the other day. When he woke, I casually asked why and he casually replied that he'd had an accident. I nonchalantly reminded him that I peed in his dad's bed once when we were dating, that it happens to the best of us, and we both had a good laugh over the whole thing. As I walked into the kitchen I mumbled over my shoulder, "Don't worry, dude; I'll have your sheets washed before you get ho...."
And that's about when I started dry heaving.
After all, he will be turning 11 soon. He is getting zits. He does smell like the bottom of a horse's foot. It's time, right? Not right. Not time for my baby, nuh uh. So, I'm grinding the coffee beans thinking, "Oh god, what do I DO here? Do I go look? Do I even know what I'm looking for? Do I ask him? Do I smell his sheets? ARGH." While the coffee got to brewing he came in the kitchen for a glass of water, and I, not brave enough to risk the mental image that would be burned into my brain for eternity, put on my therapy grin and just asked him.
"So, are you sure it was pee?"
MAWM.
"Dude, you're almost 11. It could not be pee. Your cousin thought it was pee the first time, too."
MAWWWWWWM.
"So, you're certain that it's pee?"
*crickets*
I asked his father to check things out for me, because yeah, eww. Also, no. Either I forgot to check back in with his father or his father forgot to check in the first place, but after a few hours spent in astonishingly impressive denial I had to go do some laundry downstairs. Whatever, I grab the basket and I get almost all the way down when I see sheets all over the floor.
This cannot still be happening. God save me from this, please. PLEASE.
I gave God the length of time it took me to switch loads, but little did I know that God can hold a grudge for a really long time. The sheets remained crumpled on the floor, and I was left to view the carnage. Alone.
I lifted, with a lightsaber. I poked, with a shoe. I sniffed, from a distance. I looked, through one squinted eye. Friends, the jury is still out. I just don't know what exactly I was looking for, you know? And I am more than happy to call it peepee and get on with my fake plastic life anyway. Now pass the Reader's Digest and let's get on with it.
Not entirely true. I'm kind of a prude, actually. Don't tell anyone.
Reader Comments (83)
I'm glad I don't have any boys. Just sayin'.
Diane wrote..http://dianesaddledramblings.blogspot.com/2009/01/post-in-which-i-say-absolutely-nothing.html" rel="nofollow">The Post In Which I Say Absolutely Nothing...
And that? Is why I'm glad the poptart is a girl. Although Darren claims that "Boys are fun!"
This does not sound fun.
Nicole wrote..http://resolvingtimelineissues.wordpress.com/2009/01/10/today/" rel="nofollow">Today
ROFL! My son is five and now I am dreading the onset of puberty! I hope I capture it as eloquently as you do!
perpstu wrote..http://poppingbubbles.wordpress.com/2009/01/15/say-cheese/" rel="nofollow">Say Cheese!
oh. my. gawd. the stories i could tell.
but even *I* have my boundaries.
the planet of janet wrote..http://www.fromtheplanetofjanet.com/2009/01/stupid-is-as-stupid-does.html" rel="nofollow">Stupid is as stupid does
I have a boy, 6, and a girl, 2. I'm not looking forward to either of those puberty moments at all. Until this post, I was more worried about that morning my little girl came to me with "that thing". Now my anxiety level has just been increased. Arghhh!
Super Mega Dad wrote..http://www.supermegadad.com/Blog/post/2009/01/14/Such-Passion-in-One-So-Small!.aspx" rel="nofollow">Such Passion in One So Small!
Oh, I'm so freaking glad I had a girl. I think I would be forever oblivious.
Indigo wrote..http://deafscreams.blogspot.com/2009/01/to-fill-my-daughters-boots.html" rel="nofollow">To Fill My Daughters Boots...
I have a 13 year old. This time with him has come and gone. BUT. I have to do this 3 more fucking times with 3 more boys, because they won't talk to THEIR FATHER about these things, OH HELL NO.
Ugh.
Honeybell wrote..http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/blogspot/girS/~3/vSw42bESPh8/one-when-i-curse-lot.html" rel="nofollow">The One When I Curse A Lot
We're in sync w/ penile excretions today! So. cool.
I'm handling the puberty thing with my daughter, she's 12 and has at least 24 different personalities and can switch from sweetheart to uber bitch faster than you can blink. From what I hear, girls be way, way more terrifying. I feel like a little "peepee" in the sheets would be a walk in the park, but my son's only 2 so I'll have to get back to you on that.
Or, since your little girl is approaching that age a little sooner, so you can get back to me :)
I'm the sex talker in my family, and boy are my kids sorry about that.
My Name is Cat wrote..http://mynameiscat.blogspot.com/2009/01/punch-drunk-in-peachtree-city.html" rel="nofollow">Punch Drunk in Peachtree City
Coincidentally, my wife just descended the stairs following a diaper change and announced, "Well, now I know for certain that his erection points to the right!"
This is the kind of shit that terrifies me about having two boys.
Maria wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/MommyMelee/~3/511870602/wordless-daddy-and-cow.html" rel="nofollow">wordless - daddy and cow
ok. i don't (thank goodness) have to deal with any of this, i assume, since i am after all only the step-grandmother. so haha nana nana boo boo.
now. that being said. what the #$%$ do you mean you don't know what you're looking for??? do you not have sex? i know you do or you wouldn't have a kid! do you not have to try to wipe that slimey, stick in your freaking hair, goop off yourself?? LOL how can you not know what you're looking for??
just sayin'....i think you know what it looks like :)
now go back to your, how did you put it, plastic life of denial? lol
nonna wrote..http://nonnasnonsense.blogspot.com/2009/01/wanted-woody-woodpecker-preferably-dead.html" rel="nofollow">wanted: woody woodpecker, preferably dead, wednesday
So was it pee? I don't get it. What was it if it wasn't pee? Did he spill a soda or something? Is he not supposed to have sodas in bed?
Matt wrote..http://redsparks.com/playpen/2009/01/08/open-casting-call/" rel="nofollow">Open Casting Call
My 13yo has never had an accident like this. I don't think he would tell me. I think he would try and wash the sheets himself and pretend it didn't happen. Maybe he'd tell his stepdad.
I reckon you woulda been able to smell pretty easily if it was wee though. I think there can't be much doubt. Sorry. ;)
Ali wrote..http://callapippertree.com/index.php/2009/01/16/the-perils-of-modern-technology/" rel="nofollow">Sex begins with ‘A’
God...I am not looking forward to this at ALL...
kd@abitsquirrelly wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ABitSquirrelly/~3/511322959/oh-tom-you-smooth-talker-you.html" rel="nofollow">Oh Tom! You smooth talker, You!
I have come to realize that I will probably be the one doing this talk too...sooner rather than later I'm afraid. My boy IS 11 and he has had the class...and he gets the whole boys have a penis girls have a vagina...and all...he knows it takes the two to make a baby...but last I heard...that was a year ago, he just didn't understand HOW it got from one place to another...and he didn't really want to talk to me about it.
So...we talked about "making out" the other day..and I just don't think he's going to want to talk...and I don't know if I"m going to know HOW to get in. Ugh...sigh....
It was probably pee. Yeh, most definitely pee. That's all.
Ashley wrote..http://www.bosssanders.com/2009/01/13/24-weeks-pregnant-and-loreleis-21-month-updates/" rel="nofollow">24 Weeks Pregnant and Lorelei’s 21 Month Updates
When I told the spouse about this post he said he was glad we didn't have boys. Yeah right, I told him, it'll be so much better when we find their first few pairs of adolescent underwear.
St wrote..http://playamind.blogspot.com/2009/01/official-apology.html" rel="nofollow">Official Apology
When my kid got to this point, I taught him how to do laundry.
Jenna wrote..http://jennaesis.wordpress.com/2009/01/15/animal-odd-couple/" rel="nofollow">Animal Odd Couple
Thank you Jeebus & Oprah for my girls.
Thank you Jeebus & Oprah for my girls.
Thank you Jeebus & Oprah for my girls.
Thank you Jeebus & Oprah for my girls.
repeat.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] wrote..http://awholelotofnothing.net/wordless-1149-nommalicious-food/" rel="nofollow">Wordless 1.14.9: Nommalicious Food
well I agree with nonna, for the most part...lol :) You totally have to know what you are looking for, but I think I would be in the same denial too. It is hard to watch your kids grow up, did you know mine walks and talks now....geez o petes. Anyway, good luck on your quest, and don't embaress the lil dude....it will haunt him for life, trust me. On that note, look at the positive side...he can babysit for free soon, drive the others to school, and go run boring errands for you. On the sad note, it goes by way too fast. Take lots of Pictures and write lots of "personal" stories for yourself latter in life so you can have this time with you always....peace out!
super mama wrote..http://naturelovinsupermama.blogspot.com/2009/01/pink-and-purple-camo-duct-tape.html" rel="nofollow">Pink and Purple Camo Duct Tape.....
I am so glad the oldest is a girl. But I'm not looking forward to they boy.
Changed his diaper the other morning and got a one man salute. HOW do you put a diaper over that thing, every way I pressed it he groaned 'owwwiiieeee momma'
So I let him run nekkid for about 30 minutes ;-)
Let's call it pee.
The sheets weren't stuck together or stiff? right? Then it's pee.
Rachel wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/FromTheLandOfMonkeysAndPrincessesASouthernFairytale/~3/511962970/" rel="nofollow">Wake Up! Mommy
Now see, if you're a guy, this is pretty funny. I'll be handling that talk in the future at my house, but now I know how much more enjoyable poking fun at my wife will be.
*chuckle*
Jim wrote..http://h31n0us.blogspot.com/2009/01/ride.html" rel="nofollow">The Ride
No. No. No. No. No. No. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. I will never have to deal with this issue with my two boys. OH CRAP! I never even thought about this. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jill wrote..http://charmingdelightful.blogspot.com/2009/01/make-new-friends-but-keep-old.html" rel="nofollow">Make new friends, but keep the old...
Am I blind? Because the boy who is now 18....I swear...I never found any of that "stuff" on his sheets.
Smalltown Mom wrote..http://smalltownmom.blogspot.com/2009/01/bus-to-guinness.html" rel="nofollow">The Bus to Guinness
Can I hire you to give the 'talk' to my kids too? I mean I have girls, so its not exactly the same, but I start to hyperventilate just thinking about it now...oh god, why can't it be easier?
~K
right now I'm sooooooooooo glad I have all girls but ask me again in 11 years when they are 13, 15, and17.
Didn't Bill Cosby do a skit on just this thing. His son had a sudden urge to do his own laundry. Maybe that will happen to you.
Here's hoping!
Kellie wrote..http://momranoutscreaming.com/2009/01/14/shhhthe-s-e-x-talk/" rel="nofollow">Shhh…the S-E-X talk
I found out just today that that teen boy morning affliction is the reason my son always says to me "I'll get up in a minute," and doesn't want me in the room when he gets out of bed. Who knew?
Tara R. wrote..http://ifmomsaysok.wordpress.com/2009/01/15/tying-up-loose-ends/" rel="nofollow">Tying up loose ends…
I taught all my kids at 10 how to do their own laundry so I wouldn't have to deal with this. I did have the "sex" talk with all three of them. Then at 17 my son had the "talk" with me, that he is gay. I figured I better have a new "sex" talk with him because this wasn't quite what we had covered originally. He just rolled his eyes and said that he was okay, that we didn't need to talk about it. So I gave the mini lecture about being safe.
You just never know what life is going to throw at you next.
Chris O wrote..http://mycatatemybrain.blogspot.com/2009/01/bar-scene.html" rel="nofollow">The Bar Scene
Another reason Mr. Hot does the laundry.
Ree wrote..http://hotfessional.com/2009/01/15/its-933-pm-do-you-know-where-your-hotfessional-is/" rel="nofollow">It’s 9:33 pm - do you know where your Hotfessional is?
Oh man....so not ready to be dealing with that. I already got the privacy hand in the bathtub the other day. What does a 5 yo have that's private?
Sticky wrote..http://www.nottoosticky.com/2009/01/through-my-scanner-darkly.html" rel="nofollow">through my scanner, darkly
My oldest is six. I only have FIVE YEARS until I deal with this? Sigh.
Angella wrote..http://www.dutchblitz.net/on-friends/" rel="nofollow">On Friends
I am...sort of...conflicted about laughing.
Maria wrote..http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ImmoralMatriarch/~3/qFb5iRGxUzw/" rel="nofollow">Heh. Told you I didn’t care.
DENIAL. It ain't just a river in Egypt.
Embrace it and appreciate it while you can. That's MY plan, anyway.
bejewell wrote..http://themusicalfruit.net/?p=1712" rel="nofollow">It’s All About the Lighting… and the Pretty Fairies (Obviously)
I am so not ready for that.
I will live in my plastic world for as long as possible.
I am praying the next seven years or so go slowly.
so not ready for it.
Kim wrote..http://www.joggingincircles.com/journal/2009/1/13/maybe-we-should-rethink-the-529-college-savings.html" rel="nofollow">Maybe we should rethink the 529 College Savings?
Oh dear lord...mine are almost-14 and 16 1/2. This has to have happened (not the pee thing) but I have been lucky enough to not see any evidence. Shew.
I work with a bunch of nail technicians who think it's funny to tell me "Just wait until you start seeing single socks go through the wash."
I hope I don't have to explain that to anybody.
Melisa wrote..http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com/2009/01/going-green-is-one-thing-but-this-is.html" rel="nofollow">"Going Green" Is One Thing, But This Is Ridiculous.
I'm sorry, but I'm actually not sorry that I am full-on belly laughing. That being said, I've had to say for about 1.5 years now, 'that doesn't go in there!' and now, the privacy speeches are starting and she goes in the bedroom and shuts the door. Who knew?
Zoeyjane wrote..http://mommyismoody.com/2009/01/15/on-being-too-naked/" rel="nofollow">On Being Too Naked
I REALLY feel for you, but I couldn't stop laughing.
One Mom's Opinion wrote..http://onemomsopinion.blogspot.com/2009/01/my-goal-new-ass.html" rel="nofollow">My goal is a new ass
Believe me, if he knew for sure that it wasn't pee, those sheets would have been washed before you got out of bed in the morning. Even if he had to Google instructions for the washing machine.
Or burned ...
1sttimedad wrote..http://1sttimedad.wordpress.com/2009/01/16/gettin-creative-here/" rel="nofollow">Gettin� creative here
Dude. I am not having any more children. One girl is plenty.
Courtney wrote..http://fiveseconddanceparty.com/?p=540" rel="nofollow">Doormat
As usual, it's a toss up between you and SciFi Dad as to who wins the punch line game. This one goes on the list of posts to read when I need not only you, but the comments too in order to get through my day.
Ms. Maxwell wrote..http://www.schaererville.com/2009/01/this-is-not-good-not-good-at-all.html" rel="nofollow">This is not good. Not good AT ALL.
I have a five year old that can rock the minivan with her masturbation in the back, and you're worried about some sticky sheets? You've got it easy, lady (uh, Mr. Lady).
andy wrote..http://www.worldwiderant.com/2008/11/04/it-is-finished/" rel="nofollow">It Is Finished
I got to have the talk with our son when the time came. He was much more interested in the idea of deodorant than by the happenings in the night. O if only that were true now.
Dan wrote..http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/google/wTLl/~3/j_2iO9fVhMU/meeting-up-road.html" rel="nofollow">A Meeting Up the Road
I knew something was up when all of a sudden my oldest son started taking really long showers about four times a day.
He didn't seem overly willing to discuss it so I just made sure the bathroom always had plenty of lotion :)
divacowgirl wrote..http://divacowgirl.blogspot.com/2009/01/thursday-ten-science-edition.html" rel="nofollow">Thursday Ten, The Science Edition
Well. I just added "can handle mysterious sheet stains and coinciding talk" to my list of qualities I want in a man. Now I only have 3 years to find him.
Also. Where's the pic? This didnt make the 365??
Miss wrote..http://justmiss.wordpress.com/2009/01/14/how-to-save-a-life/" rel="nofollow">How to Save a Life
I'm really not looking forward to that part of having boys.
OH dear god, my son turns 11 next Friday and that whole post just opened doors I'd rather not EVER walk through...perhaps I can convince myself the first time will be a spray of glitter and unicorn tears, I will be able to make it through..if not, I will just die. DIE!
Anissa@hope4peyton wrote..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/Hope4peyton/~3/511759109/" rel="nofollow">Should I cut her ear off NOW?
7 years. That's how long you've got before I beg you to move in and deal with all this shit for me.
Oh man - I have a boy and a girl and that means I will be spared NOTHING in this parenting game. Good job, mom!
badness jones wrote..http://badnessjones.blogspot.com/2009/01/and-it-only-took-me-3-12-years.html" rel="nofollow">And it only took me 3 1/2 years!