Or Die Trying

sink or swim

Time will tell.

I don't make New Year's resolutions.  I find new and creative ways to let myself down daily, and I just don't think I could handle that sort of failure.  That said, my darling Maria and I have decided that's it's time to improve ourselves, our lives, little by little, step by step, month by month this year.

Because I can do 30 days of anything.  I think. We'll sink or we'll swim but we're going to get in the water. Publically.

For the next six months, we'll update monthly with our progress and our new goal for the next month, and then in July we'll get really drunk together and undo everything we've worked so hard for.  It's the natural order of things, you know.

Maria's January goal was to stop drinking soda completely and to start drinking more water.  I almost never drink soda anyway and I started drinking a lot more water the day I started getting bladder infections every 28 days on the nose.  So, I took some liberties with her idea.  She did something that she knew needed to be done, something  that seems simple and obvious but was neither for her.  I decided to do the same.

I got glasses today.

Here's the thing: I had glasses, I loved my glasses, and I left them in San Francisco last July.  Here's the other thing: I cannot spend more than $50 without absolutely freaking the fuck out about it for months.  Every time I went to get glasses, I thought of the shoes and the milk and the tires and the diapers we needed instead, and I couldn't make myself do it.  I tried.  I've had the frames picked out for five months; I just could NOT drop the money for them.

The deal with my eyes was that I had a righteously bad astigmatism in my left eye and perfect 20/20 in my right.  My lenses were literally one very bent lens and one piece of plain old plastic.  A few months ago, I noticed that might right eye was just not keeping up as well anymore.  I thought it was me being paranoid, I thought I was just tired, blah blah blah.  I tried retraining my eyes a little, to see if maybe I could just teach my eyes to see properly without my glasses.  (It can be done sometimes.  Shut up.)

Guess who now has TWO eyes with astigmatism?  Yup, I am officially freaking blindish.  I can't ever go without glasses again, because my "I lived through the depression and hoard cash in a cigar box under my mattress" brand of frugality prevented me from getting some stupid, basic, common medical care.

I am pissed as all hell at myself.  Something as obvious as getting glasses, or as drinking water, shouldn't be so hard.  It should come naturally.  But, truth is, sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes we forget to put ourselves first.  Sometimes I forget to put myself, my health, this body, first.  That's my step this month; pulling my head out of my ass and doing what's obvious and easy and basic.  It's the oil change that's going to keep the engine from seizing on me.

Next month, we're going to attempt some serious carb-free, no cheating, no accidentally tripping and falling face first into brownies healthy eating.  Because now I can actually see the number on the scale, and it's scaring me.