Tuesday
Jan272009
Eyes Wide Open
Tuesday, January 27, 2009 at 12:14AM | Mr Lady
The thing I love best about wearing glasses again after a long time off is that I acquire depth perception, which I sorely lack without glasses, and my first day or so is spent tripping up stairs, swaying into walls and almost but not quite throwing up all day. It's like riding the Tilt-A-Whirl, without all the Britney Spears and the whiplash.
Even better? Getting your eyes dilated the day before. Did you know they don't give you those superfly glasses anymore? They don't. They "suggest" you don't drive and send you out into the world with your three kids, your husband, a mall on clearance sale, and the vision of a vampire bat.
You know what you should never attempt to do while dilated? Walk around the mall. Walk period, for that matter. Oh, and trying to watch after three kids at once? Will make you barf. But the good thing is this: You can't see the price tag on your new frames, or the tears in your husband's eyes when he hands over the credit card. Don't ask, don't tell baby.
You know what else you shouldn't ever attempt whilst dilated? Talking to anyone you know at the mall, especially if that anyone happens to be the former PTA president and his whole family. Really especially if it's the same former PTA president who also happens to be the local church minister and the guy who's face you shoved your boobs into last year.
Because as hard as you've tried since your porno-table-dance night to say not two unnecessary words to that man or his family, you'll find yourself stuttering and stammering in the paper towel aisle of the drug store and then you'll inevitably say, "And, um, yeah...just got my eyes dilated. I'm totally not cracked out on drugs or anything, promise!" right in front of his two precious little children and his one saintly wife.
And then you might just die. At least hindsight is 20/20.
Even better? Getting your eyes dilated the day before. Did you know they don't give you those superfly glasses anymore? They don't. They "suggest" you don't drive and send you out into the world with your three kids, your husband, a mall on clearance sale, and the vision of a vampire bat.
You know what you should never attempt to do while dilated? Walk around the mall. Walk period, for that matter. Oh, and trying to watch after three kids at once? Will make you barf. But the good thing is this: You can't see the price tag on your new frames, or the tears in your husband's eyes when he hands over the credit card. Don't ask, don't tell baby.
You know what else you shouldn't ever attempt whilst dilated? Talking to anyone you know at the mall, especially if that anyone happens to be the former PTA president and his whole family. Really especially if it's the same former PTA president who also happens to be the local church minister and the guy who's face you shoved your boobs into last year.
Because as hard as you've tried since your porno-table-dance night to say not two unnecessary words to that man or his family, you'll find yourself stuttering and stammering in the paper towel aisle of the drug store and then you'll inevitably say, "And, um, yeah...just got my eyes dilated. I'm totally not cracked out on drugs or anything, promise!" right in front of his two precious little children and his one saintly wife.
And then you might just die. At least hindsight is 20/20.
Reader Comments (44)
"And then you might just die. At least hindsight is 20/20."
Oh holy hell ... I just nazed beer. HA!
(My friends say I suffer from "footinmouthitis".
OMG, woman, you make me laugh.
Where's that picture you promised? You *did* promise didn't you? Maybe you were too cracked out on drugs to remember.
No. You wouldn't die. That'd be too easy.
Fact: they now have fancy computer aided retinal mapping that requires NO DILATION. Surely fancy Canadian social medicine offers such finery?
It's CHANGED MY LIFE.
i've never had my eyes dialated before. well, at least not medically. is it weird that i've always wanted to? i have photosensitive eyes so that might not be a great idea anyways. too bad we don't have video of you stumblin around. :)
No, you should never do that without the ability to YouTube it, or in fact share it, which you've done wonderfully here, so no, keep up the good work. Dilation and inappropriateness, are fun, for us!
If you're talking about the mall I think you're talking about then yes, I get it. Before I went in for laser surgery, I was there, they dilated my pupils (which I usually beg and cry for them not to because, hey I DROVE HERE) and then went to the big drug store there. With the nasty overhead lights right above customer service.
Yes, I was the cool one, walking around inside the mall with my glasses on and clip on sunglass things for them.
OMG that so sounds like one of my social faux pas!
I'm not super klutzy, and some how I can manage to keep my 'sailor's vocabulary' in check but damned if I don't figure out a way to mention some part of my anatomy, drugs, liquor or my sex life.
LOL, I'm sooo not PTA material....Glad I'm in good company!
I have to have the awesome dilated pupils 1-2 times a year and I hate it so much! It tends to last longer in people with fair complexions (me) and if they have to put more drops in because SOME PEOPLE (me) blink a lot when they're trying to put them in and they're not sure they got enough in there. I'm lucky if I'm not still seeing through walls 24 hours later! Fun times!
Oh, he probably deserved it. I don't like the looks of him. Or his perfect little family. Not at all.
Hhhhmmmm...did he invite you to church?
They are praying for you, you know.
They don't give you those glasses anymore? Man, you know times are tough when the eye doctor has to cut his "Super Fly" glasses budget!!
The last time I got my eyes dilated they not only sent me out into the world to drive without warning, but they let me pick out my frames!
So don't ever pick out new frames while dilated. My glasses suck.
Oh, no. If you died, you wouldn't be able to share that story! And that? Is classic :)
I know MY ass can see 20/20.
You can shove my face in yer boobs any time.
*wow*
I shouldn't be allowed near a computer when I haven't had my coffee yet.
Oh imagine the discussion those good-God-fearin' folks had after you left. Well honey, crack is ...
Beautiful.
You kill me every time. I swear. Thank you so much for making me laugh.
Sometimes when I come here, I leave feeling so much better about myself. Thanks for that.
OK, before I comment, You're actually really talking about WALKING this time, right?
My eyesight has steadily gone downhill since about the fifth grade. Learning to function post-dilation is an acquired art. And yes, I do have a spare pair of those Superfly glasses, kept from back in the day.
You really should have captured that on video!
Oh don't kid yourself - that dude's been fantasizing about that boob shoving incident since it happened. Even if he is man of God.
:-)
And I don't know - maybe it's just me but that eye dilation sounds kinda fun.
:-0
The eye dilation is exactly why I have not gone back after 2 years to have my eyes checked. I know I need a stronger prescription but the lack of co ordination after that....too much embarassment.
I'd take the eye dialation over that stupid puff of air to check for glaucoma any day (I totally almost typed gonorrhea). The worst part of the whole dialation is that someday you're really gonna see like that. *shivers* Not looking forward to old lady eyes.
you need to come to our PTA meetings. i am the president who inadvertently made a joke that most of the men thought was er uh fellatio-related. i did this on stage, into a microphone, in front of hundreds of people. because when one sticks ones foot in one's mouth? might as well do it under a freakin' spotlight.
lol funny stuff.....i agree with lee too, he probably has been fantasizing since the boob incident. :) Rock on!
Wait, no more oversized glasses? I have fond memories of going back to school with those things and getting wicked headaches while trying, in vain, to read.
Lasik- one of the best things I ever did.
Well, it could have been worse. You could have had perfect vision when you said it to him, and then you would have had to see the expression on his face too.
I'm so glad you finally did this for yourself, though. YOU NEED GLASSES, woman. You should have them. I can't wait to see them now, too...
I don't know what is funnier-- your post or everyone's comments!
Dude.
Ditto on what Lee said. He wants your boobies so he didn't even hear anything else you said.
Someone got they mojo back!
And my comment sucked because after I read Matt's I wasn't even gonna try.
I learned they don't offer the oversized specs anymore after I had my two-year-old's eyes dilated. You know what sucks worse than walking outside in the sunlight with your eyes dilated? Running for your car, 17 months pregnant, with a 30-pound toddler in your arms (your hands over his eyes) who is screaming, "Bahkee!! Bahkee!!" at the top of his lungs. What is "bahkee", you ask? His made-up word for hot. Don't ask how that came to be. Suffice to say he uses it only in extreme circumstances like when his food has blistered the roof of his mouth.
You have my condolences. Score on the expensive glasses, though.
Personally, I think they dilate your eyes so you don't freak out when you see the $350 for frames, before they add the $200 for lenses price tag. Just sayin'
Hey, I've done that dance too!!! A lot of times---oh wait, is that a bad thing?
This is Vancouver. You totally could have claimed the chronic and been fine. Right?
You haven't heard of Zenni Optical? http://www.zennioptical.com/cart/home.php
You haven't heard of ZenniOptical dot com?
You forgot about the part where the doc forgets to mention that those drops are yellow. And have streamed down your face. And you won't be able to see to wipe the yellow tear tracks off your cheeks. Or maybe that only happens in the States.
Oh my, that's a bit embarrassing. But of course, you already knew that...
it's okay, we still love you :)