Sunday
Oct182009
Or I Could Just Do The Laundry Already
Sunday, October 18, 2009 at 2:26AM | Mr Lady
It's 12:04 in the am. I am not even close to sleep. Why? Because I didn't take a shower until 6 tonight and I'm now on my 18 millionth cup of tea and I am a moron. Someone really needs to invent a caffeinated beverage without the caffeine. Oh, wait....
So my husband walked in on me showering tonight. That's not exactly true; he walked past the bathroom while I was showering and I can't close the door to the bathroom because earlier today I decided it would be a fine idea to use the one bathroom in this house with a shower in it as a laundry basket and I haven't washed the laundry in, like, 4 days which means I have a pile of laundry taller than Everest going over here and so the bathroom door won't even come CLOSE to closing and I have a glass walk-in shower so yeah, he got a full frontal shot.
Which wouldn't be so bad, really, I mean, we've been together since I was 20 and it's not like he's never seen me in the buff before (three times, to be exact) but when a man sees me in the shower, I fully expect the shower head to be ripped out of the wall at some point. That's a fun story to explain to your landlord, by the way. What I don't expect is for that man to go wandering past the door, see that it's open, peek his head in and start talking to me while the floor is up to his knees in smelly preteen clothes, my youknowwhat's are covered in Veet and my face is slathered in Noxema.
Not hot. Not close to hot. My shower head lives to see another day.
It probably shouldn't have bothered me. It's not like he hasn't had to hold me up on the loo while I alternated puking and pooping as a person clawed his way out of what was, until mere moments before, his favorite toy in the world. It's not like I don't fart in my sleep. It's not like I haven't washed the sheets he completely destroyed during a particularly nasty bout of the roto-virus. It's not like I don't walk in on him every motherfucking morning while he takes his morning pee. In the nude. There really isn't anything we haven't seen each other do, I guess, but I just don't want him to see me THAT exposed. Noxema exposed. It's just soul-crushingly unsexy.
I never close bathroom doors when he's not home because it's usually just me and the 4 year old and she's still at that phase where she wants to hold my hands and help me squeeze the poopies out. Even when all I have to do is blow my nose. It's slightly annoying as all fuck. Wherever I go, there she is, and I accept that. 11 years of parenting has killed any hope of privacy or decency for me, and I embrace it. I don't ever bother to close the door, which only bites me square in the ass on the days when my husband is home, and I forget, because he's never home, and those are the days when I am sure to run up to the bathroom to do my thing and leave the door wide open, leaving me no choice but to jump up in the middle of certain events that don't call for jumping of any kind and try to slam the door shut before those footsteps I hear coming up the stairs reach the top and he loses the last little inkling of attraction he may or may not have left for me.
So far, so good. And when he walked in the bathroom tonight, he said whatever the hell it was that was SO FUCKING IMPORTANT it couldn't wait until I was done and then he walked out. Almost out. 90% of the way out before he turned around and said, "Oh, by the way, hot."
That bitch is totally getting Dutch Ovened tonight.
So my husband walked in on me showering tonight. That's not exactly true; he walked past the bathroom while I was showering and I can't close the door to the bathroom because earlier today I decided it would be a fine idea to use the one bathroom in this house with a shower in it as a laundry basket and I haven't washed the laundry in, like, 4 days which means I have a pile of laundry taller than Everest going over here and so the bathroom door won't even come CLOSE to closing and I have a glass walk-in shower so yeah, he got a full frontal shot.
Which wouldn't be so bad, really, I mean, we've been together since I was 20 and it's not like he's never seen me in the buff before (three times, to be exact) but when a man sees me in the shower, I fully expect the shower head to be ripped out of the wall at some point. That's a fun story to explain to your landlord, by the way. What I don't expect is for that man to go wandering past the door, see that it's open, peek his head in and start talking to me while the floor is up to his knees in smelly preteen clothes, my youknowwhat's are covered in Veet and my face is slathered in Noxema.
Not hot. Not close to hot. My shower head lives to see another day.
It probably shouldn't have bothered me. It's not like he hasn't had to hold me up on the loo while I alternated puking and pooping as a person clawed his way out of what was, until mere moments before, his favorite toy in the world. It's not like I don't fart in my sleep. It's not like I haven't washed the sheets he completely destroyed during a particularly nasty bout of the roto-virus. It's not like I don't walk in on him every motherfucking morning while he takes his morning pee. In the nude. There really isn't anything we haven't seen each other do, I guess, but I just don't want him to see me THAT exposed. Noxema exposed. It's just soul-crushingly unsexy.
I never close bathroom doors when he's not home because it's usually just me and the 4 year old and she's still at that phase where she wants to hold my hands and help me squeeze the poopies out. Even when all I have to do is blow my nose. It's slightly annoying as all fuck. Wherever I go, there she is, and I accept that. 11 years of parenting has killed any hope of privacy or decency for me, and I embrace it. I don't ever bother to close the door, which only bites me square in the ass on the days when my husband is home, and I forget, because he's never home, and those are the days when I am sure to run up to the bathroom to do my thing and leave the door wide open, leaving me no choice but to jump up in the middle of certain events that don't call for jumping of any kind and try to slam the door shut before those footsteps I hear coming up the stairs reach the top and he loses the last little inkling of attraction he may or may not have left for me.
So far, so good. And when he walked in the bathroom tonight, he said whatever the hell it was that was SO FUCKING IMPORTANT it couldn't wait until I was done and then he walked out. Almost out. 90% of the way out before he turned around and said, "Oh, by the way, hot."
That bitch is totally getting Dutch Ovened tonight.
Reader Comments (30)
You should go sit on his head and fart while he's sleeping.
Except then he'd really think you're hot.
My husband and I are very open with each other in regards to bodily functions but both he and I absolutely can NOT have audience while we poop. Oh, and I don't let him into the bathroom if I'm doing something like changing my tampon. I know what you mean about feeling overexposed. It's like yeah, this is me, sorry? But of course he thinks you're hot. He's smart.
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Be sure and eat some eggs or some chili before that Dutch Oven. For effect of course. Just saying. :)
Your post made me laugh!
We leave the door open in the bathroom for everything but pewping and tampon changing.
I hope the dutch oven went over well!
I think that if a man finds a woman to be beautiful and sexy, watching her do almost anything is just as gratifying, even if it's just watching you in the midst of your beauty regimen.
I have the same bizarre modesty rules as you.
Yes, he's seen me naked. And give birth. And pee on the bathroom floor because I'm huddling the toilet in the nude throwing up from way down at my TOES.
But I will not let him near me when I poop. And I'd really rather he just thought my girly parts NATURALLY looked that pretty.
(By the way - hi. It's been, like, forever.)
Awwww, Adam made me tear up.
THAT'S never happened.
Seriously, I think that 'unconditional love' thing transcends all feminine hygiene practices. (And mine usually tries to get in the shower with me when I'm in there.) ;)
What is this Dutch Oven of which you speak? I feel sheltered.
@schmutzie, google it, love. Your whole world is about to change. Also, send my sincere apologies to Palinode. ;-)
My husband and I are so over the modesty thing after 14 years together, 10 of them living together. I think once someone sees you puking you guts out, changing a tampon, ripping out pubic hair, getting your nipples pierced or delivering a baby, there isn't a point. And usually when my husband and I shower together, the kids are usually coming in the bathroom and pulling back the cutain to ask why are we showering together and couldn' daddy wait until mommy was done.
hilarious.
love (as well as attraction and downright lust) has/have reasons that reason knows not.
but really good writing.
your words are worth a thousand words.
I was watching CSI once and one of them said "But people always close the bathroom door - even when they are alone." and I thought HELLO? Not all of us! I have to shout at my husband if he starts walking up the stairs and I sitting a-thone, since I always forget to close it. But I don't forget to close it because I don't care about privacy, I am just scatty.
Dignity may have gone out the window when I gave birth to number 2 underwater and the midwife brings out little nets for hooking out unmentionables, but when it comes down to it I still don't want him seeing me sitting on the loo playing my iphone.
@Avitable, who are you, and what have you done with Avitable?
A) Had to look up "dutch oven" too, and found out my husband has done this very thing to me and I didn't even know it, and B) I have finally gotten over my peeing shyness with the arrival of my son (he is not yet 3) but still have privacy rules for the husband. Bathroom business is private business. That is the rule.
Aaaaaa.... nothin' like a good dutch oven.
I just learned the term "fart sack" and I use it every chance I get. The other night I got to tell the husband, "Uhm, yeeeaaah," yawn, stretch provocatively, "I'm gonna hit the fart sack. Wanna join me?" wink, wink. Why, no. He did not. Whatever. I had a headache anyway.
And I'd just like to wish herpes and genital warts on the guy who invented the whole 'no door on the master bathroom' thing. You know what that means for parents everywhere? Do. You. Know? No fucking privacy EVER. I haven't taken a shower without a baby/6 year old/husband face pressed against the glass since we moved into this house 3 years ago.
I don't think that various lotions slathered here and there are at all a problem. It's those Birkenstocks he was probably referring to.
I don't know what privacy is. I don't even remember having privacy. It doesn't matter though because I've been married since the days of the dinosaurs and I'm quite convinced my husband doesn't even SEE me anymore.
I have exactly the same issue with forgetting to close the bathroom door. I don't want to be doing my bidness in front of my husband, but the two kids scream like I'm poking them if I even think of closing the door. So, it gets forgotten. I may or may not yell at him to NOT EVEN THINK about taking another step. It is highly sexy, I tell you.
Bodily functions tend to be sacred in our family. Well, I wish they would stay that way. I mean, can't my wife at least close the damn bathroom door when she's going #2? Talk about sounds I REALLY don't want to hear... then she wonders why I'm not in the mood. Besides, I'd travel to another dimension if I could for some privacy during the Big Two. Yes, I'm pretty poop shy. But it looks like we're going to be raising a grandson and somebody (me) will have to toilet train him someday, so the rules may have to be relaxed whether I want them to or not. But once he learns to wipe his own butt, that's it. He will learn the true purpose of a bathroom door.
Hahahahahaha!! I love potty talk! Since we seem to have a census going here, we are door wide open people. Just turn your back when the wiping starts or get an eye full...or nostril full...I mean, I wash the stains out of his chonies, why pretend I don't know where they come from. We even have discussion on why men wipe so funny and I really want to know why they don't just hold their junk up out of the way instead of smearing it up their ass crack? The only time he will avoid being in there is when I'm changing the girl stuff because he 'eats at that restaurant'
Finding a really hot, sexy moment in the shower these days is like trying to find Santa Claus in the chimney, isn't it? LOVE the honesty and trust me, you just echo what every other HONEST chick deals with on a daily basis. Oh, and if you find that decaf, let me know!
you veet your bikini line? doesn't that sting like a muthafucka? ooh GIRL, you need to get you some Andrea Oucheeze Lidocaine spray so's you can wax that shit.
hubby and me? no boundaries. none. our 60 year old farmhouse has a toilet, sink, and tub in our master bedroom. it's not an ensuite. it's right fucking there. in the open. you can lay in bed and practically read the book the person on the crapper is reading. also, i have calved 3 kids in 4 years. i don't have time to shave, shower, or shit. he's used to walking in at 6pm and seeing me still in my PJ's, stinking of BO and various child-caused stains on my clothes. leg shaving/personal care didn't make the Important Things List.
only recently have i stopped feeling completely fucking overwhelmed, hence the waxing of the jungle bush and discovery of lidocaine spray (it's my new best friend.)
I didn't know oyu could use that stuff on your youknowhats? Hm.
and what the hell is Dutch Over? What am I missong NOW?
I'm with you on the stuff on the face. But I think that being seen using a breast pump is way worse. How don't they equal us to a cow after that, is beyond me.
I taught Boo how to give his sisters a Dutch Oven and then tweeted it. Then I spent the next hour explaining what it was.
People are sheltered.
Tonight, while MPS is asleeep with his mouth open, I am totally giving him one. And I will think of you and smile, and tell him to blame Canada.
shit- everybody (even you Mr. Lady) is getting all caught up and hung up on the wrong thing here. This isn't about bodily functions at all. Sperm Donor loves you. He sees the sexiness in you that can not be hidden by a Mt. Everest of dirty pre-teen laundry and let you know it. Good for him.
Wait wait wait!
You go ahead and Veet your 'bits' for him?
Dude *better* think that's hot!
Comments totally scared me. I'm going to sit here and sing to myself and not go Google dutch oven...don't think I want to know.