Yes, This IS The Best I Can Do, Thank You Very Much.

This weekend, I was blessed with a houseguest. And we did almost nothing. It was quite epic. But after the kids were put down for the night, after we'd drank The Donor under the table and he was good and passed out on the couch, we staggered upstairs to my bedroom, turned the lights down low; she in her little, faded wife beater and me in my short-shorts. We laid together in the darkness, doing what any two, youngish, reasonably attractive, identical woman would do when given a dark house, a king sized bed, with red sheets, and a lot of wine....we stayed up awwwl night long.

Talking about cleaning products.

Now, I'm as much a hippie tree-hugging earth momma as the next girl, and since I'm also quite lazy and have three children who like money, I try very hard to stick to organic, bio-degradable, won't - burn - their - fingers - I - can't - replace - off cleaning products. I swear by my Bissell steam mop and my jumbo Heinz vinegar bottle, and yes it has to be the jumbo Heinz bottle because I grew up with a girl who was loosely related to the Heinz's and she had this, well, obsession with underwears. She collected them, like people collect spoons or feet or teddy bears. I, of course, was barely able to afford my brother's hand me down underwears, and I honestly had no idea their were so many options as far as undergarments went. It was quite an eye-opening friendship. And slightly intimidating. Which may be why it took me until I was 33 and threatened within inches of my life by someone to start wearing chonies at all. Either way, I only buy the Heinz vinegar now.

Of course, sometimes I have to bring my B game to the housekeeping, and that's when I'll bust out the Mr Clean with mountain and rain scented Febreeze stuff in it. Because that shit kicks ass. And is probably eating my pipes out from the inside, and may be responsible for melting one of the polar ice caps. I try not to bring my B game too often. When it starts to get dire, out comes the Tide and the hairspray. You can clean anything with a box of powdered Tide and some Big Sexy Hairspray. But when it's at critical, when my mother in law is coming, it's A game time.

Enter the lemon fresh Comet with bleach. $0.99. CANADIAN. Nothing in the world cleans anything better than lemon fresh comet with bleach ever. I clean everything with it; my counters, my walls, my floors, all of it. Sometimes right after I clean all of that with the Mr Clean stuff. And maybe the chemical fumes will kill me before I can pull my underwear that I'm now forced to wear down to go pee, but at least I'll be found dead on a 25 year old tile floor with grout as white at Michael Steele's heart.