I Quit. Again.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009 at 1:10AM | Mr Lady 
This post has not one thing to do with cigarettes; It just seems fitting.
Cartoon by Natalie Dee.
A long time ago, I was co-president of a PTA. I was vice president, too. I was elected to be THE president, but I moved to another country just to dodge that bullet. In my 4 years on the PTA, I've sat on every committee at least once. I've worked every fundraiser, at least once. I've presented at every open house, I've attended every meeting, I've whored myself out to the neighboring businesses, I've helped hire teachers, I've twisted and turned the school's budget with the principal and a few other numbers-savvy mothers, I've flyered every door in our school's catchment...you name it, I've done it.
My PTA's budget was never less than $45K. By K, yes, I mean thousand. The last budget I worked on was $56K, and that didn't include the PTA stuff. That was just the check we had to hand over to the school. We never came in under budget, and ours was considered a low income school, with very low attendance.
I am a godsend in the world of PTA's. I show up at your meeting, you get on your knees and that sweet little pink baby Jesus for gracing you with his divine intervention. I was trained by the best. I kick PTA ass.
The PTA here doesn't get that. Sure, maybe I laughed heartily and out loud at the very first meeting I ever attended when they freaked the fuck out over an $11K budget. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have snorted my coffee through my nose after 10 minutes of listening to them bitch about why the school district wouldn't cough up the other $5,000 they needed to buy brand new, state of the art computers for the lab. Maybe I shouldn't have said through my chuckles that I raised as much as their entire year's budget in one fundraiser alone the year before, and that fundraiser had a Grammy nominated recording artist perform at it and made the local newspapers for its sheer coolness factor.
Maybe I shouldn't have then tried again and accidentally flashed the married, to a girl and to God, president. Maybe I should have said, "No thanks!" instead of, "Oh hell no" when the ladies of the PTA finally invited me to a get-together, because it was a sex toy get together and A) they all wear Pooh Bear sweatshirts and B) they all really love Celine Dion and C) none of them still have all their teeth*. *help...me* Maybe I shouldn't have whimpered in the corner after the treasurer totally pulled her shirt up over her head and shoved her boobs in my face over coffee at her house one day because, though she didn't bother to tell me, she'd just had a reduction and was quite proud of her new funbags. I didn't even know her name at the time.
Maybe I shouldn't have been visibly pissed when I was the only person out of 10 who showed up last year for the late-night, day before the big fundraiser of the year cram prep session with three starving kids in tow, only to be told the next day what an amazing job What's Her Fuck did getting everything ready at the last minute, and with almost no help at all, bless her poor over-worked heart.
Whatever it is that has gone wrong with me and this PTA just has. They just are not my group of people. I have tried. I just don't click there, and that is okay with me. Not everyone clicks everywhere, you know? I had a hell of a lot more time and energy to devote to really melding with my old PTA, and I got lucky to find some very like-minded people in that bunch, people I will remain close friends with for the rest of my days. That doesn't happen just anywhere; I know and respect this fact.
So, why I keep quitting and unquitting this fucking organization, I will never fully understand.
Some will recall that a few weeks ago, I agreed to help police the drop-off/pick-up area at the school. It was either that or bring a 2X4 and a sawed-off shotgun to pick up my kids every day. Seriously, no parking means NOT EVEN YOU, ASSHOLE. I've been wearing a really super sexy orange reflective vest every Monday and Friday, morning and afternoon, directing traffic at school. I've done this while my 3 year old has run in and out of traffic, while my boys have shoved each other into the creek, through a huge snow storm, on a sheet of ice 3 inches deep, all by myself. It's sucked, but I said I'd do it, so I did it. Until Friday, that is.
Friday I was directing traffic and 3of3 ran to the school to get her brother (his classroom door is the first outside the school, she was safe.) Except she didn't go get her brother. She vanished. I didn't think too much of it; there are enough people in that school who know who she is and where I was that I knew she'd resurface. Except she didn't resurface. Once I realized that her brothers didn't know where she was and I couldn't see her anywhere, I started running around the building looking for her. I freaked right the fuck out. We have bears and cougars and shit around here, you know? NOT COOL. I ran up towards the front doors and the PTA president hollered over to me, "Hey! Your kid is running around the school screaming for you." Like she was annoyed or something. So, yeah, you know where she is? "Um, YES, she's by the library and she's crying. *huff*"
She. Huffed. At Me.
I went tearing into the school and found my daughter, my THREE YEAR OLD daughter, bawling her little eyes out in the hallway and the only people trying to help her were my 4 year old neighbor kid and a woman with no arms. Not kidding. To their credit, the 4 year old was trying really hard to calm my kid down and the armless woman was genuinely concerned and almost frantic.
So, the good news is that since the PTA president who totally knows me, knows my kid, and knew exactly where the fuck I was chose to leave my tiny little girl alone and screaming in the school and then had the gaul to HUFF at me about her being lost, I get to quit parking lot duty!
The bad news is that I didn't have the chance to take a picture of myself in that dead sexy reflective orange vest. Which sucks for you. However, based on my track record, I should be rocking that vest again in no less than 6 months.
*Disclaimer: I have nothing at all against people who wear Pooh Bear sweaters, listen to Celine Dion or are missing teeth. The combination thereof, with these women, well, you'd just have to meet them.
Reader Comments (91)
I have no classier way to say this other than: I would have punched the bitch.
I have an orange reflective vest WITH a yellow "X" on the front and back. Maybe we could work something out with that photo?
Gah! Some people!!! Huff. Yep, I huffed right back at her for ya!
dawn
I would join PTA if YOU were there...but those ladies freak me out...and I don't really want to have to put the smack down on anyones mom because they think THEY are more important than the kids....And I can totally see something like that happening with these "ladies"...
That's awful, poor baby girl. Who would leave a child to cry like that? Grrr.
You are waaaaaaaaay more charitable than I. I'm sorry but Pooh Bear and Celine Dion are deal breakers on their own. I'm just a bitch like that.
Are you sure that your PTA members don't do double-duty here in the Western suburbs of Chicago?
Though you definitely have been involved in your actual PTAs more than I ever was at the elementary school level, I was the room mom for both of my sons for the K-5 years and was all over the class parties, field trips, all that crap. I also didn't fit in with the other moms, even though we were "good friends" when working together at school and all live in the same little neighborhood. And our kids have stayed friends all along, the oldest kids being high school juniors.
A couple of years ago I got invited to a Pampered Chef party given by one of them. I made the mistake of going. I don't know if I've ever felt so uncomfortable in that kind of situation in my whole life.
So I left early, never looking back. ;)
GOOD FOR YOU, for quitting. That woman should have helped your daughter find you. Be-yotch.
You know, reading this makes me feel slightly less inadequate for not fitting in with our new PTA (personnel courtesy The Stepford Wives). And I think I do have something against Pooh Bear sweaters on adults. And strong work.
Who needs to go to a sex toy party when you have a sexy orange vest? Shopping done, right?
Maybe if you're lucky, a mountain lion or a bear will eat the PTA president.
You QUIT?! That's it?! You should have punched her in the throat.
Not that I've got personal issues with people who ignore crying children or anything...
What a dumbass. Ug.
Honestly, you are a very good person for working so hard for such an unappreciative organization... I don't think I could do it. (Although I did find myself volunteering at the elem school on kindergarten sign up day! But it was only b/c the principal was so damn nice to my sons.) Get the feeling I'm gonna regret that one...
OH MY GOD.
Seriously?? OH MY GOD.
I have a feeling when I left that building she would have been wearing the yellow vest.
Somewhere uncomfortable.
what an a-hole. wouldn't you just love to drive her one?! what is sad about these so called 'volunteer' positions at schools where you work your ass off so no one will notice, are rarely recognized. it's no wonder schools, sporting teams have problems getting parents to help out.
http://momofboxer.blogspot.com/2009/02/mothers-little-helper.html
Sounds like hell to me...you're a much braver woman than I, but perhaps that's why you get crowned MR. Lady and not just HEY Lady, like me! :)
~K
PTAs are a cult born from the depths of hell. Ripped from Satan's womb and dropped to Earth in an effort eat the brains of Moms everywhere. Run away! Run away very fast!
I'm that mom that pays the dues and doesn't go to meetings. I tried. But there was the big mom. With the fupa and no bra. I had no focus. She now lives down the street from me. She likes to take walks. Fupa peeking out between her shirt and pants.
Oh, I got way off subject there.
PTA moms scare me. They're like the MOPS moms on steroids.
But THAT PTA mom? Is a real bitch. I bet your reflective vest would've fit nicely down her throat.
Adult women wearing Disney characters is one of my biggest pet peeves. I never fail to run into at least one of them at Wal-Mart. And she's usually shopping with my other pet peeve: The fat chick with EE boobs, wearing a grungy wife beater and no bra. (I love Wal-Mart, it makes me feel better about myself.)
You may not have something against people who listen to Celine Dion, but I do. Like fingernails on a chalkboard.
And what is up with Huffypants? She knew 3of3 was yours and didn't bother collecting her and bringing her to you? WTF?
I think there might be something to be said for homeschooling.
I am currently on two PTA's and I can't wait for it to end. These women are CRAZY. They scare me and I run from the school crying with my hair all wild after every meeting.
She wanted to help, but she was worried that 3of3 would wrinkle her Pooh sweatshirt and her iPod was playing the best Celine Dion song ever!
Omg, how rude.. She would have had a size 8 1/2 boot up her azz if that had been me.....
DISCLAIMER: Not all Canadians are like this! I swear, I can't stand Celine Dion and I haven't even lost any teeth playing hockey!
But that bitch? Yeah, you should've knocked her the fuck out.
You should have totally head-smacked her with a traffic cone. Or challenged her to a cage match. What a bitch!
No offense, but I have a real dislike for most PTA women. They are.... different. Well, at least, different from ME, which may not be a BAD thing, persay. I just get uneasy around women who can manage a household, part-time job, 3 kids and still find time to organize fundraisers.
Wow, the people in your PTA sound like the people in my neighborhood, its no wonder I still have no friends here. I was invited to a sex toy party too only a few weeks after I moved in and they talked about their boob jobs and the size of their husband's penises. Seriously!
I don't know where to even begin. Frightening scenario with 3of3. Hard to believe how badly your PTA stinks.
I've done nothing at the new school other than donating food for the dance and supporting the fundraisers. I haven't been to a single PTO meeting. It doesn't help that I haven't been impressed with what they are doing.
...or ripped off her head and crapped down her throat!
I commend you on your KOOL.... I would have completely lost it!
xox
Love you Totally ! ! ! !
I kick PTA ass, too. I've been on the board of one school or another for the last 14 years. Sometimes two boards at a time. OMG. No sex toy parties, though a drunk father did drop trou and one of the adult-only auctions where we were raising money.
Our preschool has something akin to a PTA and I'm staying far away from it. Then, when Rocco hits real school, I'm going to get out my White Trash Mom book and reread it so I'm prepared!
I didn't know Pooh wearing, Celine listening, partially toothless women went to sex toy parties!!!
But if I were a man...I probably wouldn't want to touch that either!
You should key that bitch's car for leaving 3of3 crying like that. Or, make an anonyms call to her and tell her one of the other Pooh wearing bitches has been screwing her husband.
I would have gone ape shit. Bloody, freakin' ape shit.
My serious potty mouth and nasty tone would have made such a scene... Wow. You show serious restraint.
I'm pretty sure I would have lost my cool with the pta bitch. they don't deserve to have you on their committee.
p.s. based on the comic strip, i thought this post was going to be about you quitting smoking. ha!
and then, just now, i got smart and read the caption under the comic. yep, i'm a dumbass.
We used to have a PTA similar to that for both schools in Hazzard County. We split this year and a handful of people with brains and teeth jumped on board to form the new one for the elementary. I think your president's sister must run the other PTA in my town. I so want to kick her ass.
Was that PTA bitch wearing a Pooh shirt when this happened? Because that would SO make me hate her more!
Oh, that would SO piss me off!
I've never connected with the PTA ladies throughout the girls' scholastic careers, but this year, it's working out quite well for us at Riley's new school.
How did you not knock her the F U C K out? I have little to no tolerance for people like that.
You do not need to apologize for laughing at women in Pooh Bear sweatshirts. This is wrong on so many levels.
The sooner you learn that PTA people are not your friend, the better. They are in general angry, jealous, control freaks with no life. My kids are teens now, but the day I realized I need to help my kids, school, teachers and lay under the radar from the PTA dramz, was a very happy day in ScandyLand.
Ugh, people are such bullshit. You know where people are not bullshit? Portland, OR. You should move there. I should move there. OKay, I don't want to make this about me. But all the people I like should move to Portland, OR.
That's exactly why I've stayed the hell away from PTA! :o)
Your blog rocks!
please, please, please tell us you're going back for one more meeting so you can quit in front of everybody and tell everybody what a BITCH that woman was to your child.
and like the rest of the ppl on here, i think i would have at least screamed and cussed her like a fish wife, if not punched her.
oh, and wtf is a Fupa???
Oh you must do what Nonna said. One last meeting, and please bring a secret recording device with you.
Dang, Mr. Lady. You've got some aggressive readers here. Remind me never to piss you off :).
Seriously though? I lost my daughter at Chuck E Cheese a while ago and that was a secured, closed area that should couldn't get out of alone. I know how scary that can be, and I know the scenarios that go through your mind when it happens. I'm glad she was ok, and I am glad you quit. If someone had had the gall to judge me at the moment I lost her I think I would have had to go Marcellus Wallace on them.
PS - A Pooh Bear sweatshirt is OK if its black, has a hood and is worn under a distressed blazer with relaxed fit jeans.
I beg to differ; there IS, in fact, something wrong with the pooh bear shirts once you are above, say, 10. There is also something wrong with liking Celine Dion; she is a big-nosed freak whose songs ALL.SOUND.THE.SAME. Like elevator music only not as catchy. Third, while I have nothing wrong with people without some or all of their teeth (not true, but because I don't want to sound like a TOTAL bitch), they should at least have the courtensy to not SHOW them to me; even if it means they don't talk. Ever. I am glad you quit, though I lament not seeing the vest.
I feel so bad that the two things that got a full on laugh out loud from me on this post were:
1) Women in Pooh Bear sweatshirts
and ...
2) The armless woman.
So the question is was the armless woman wearing a Pooh Bear sweatshirt?
Seriously though - you are one of those hero moms who can't help but be involved....I'm a little like that too. But the orange vest? Not quite sure I would rock it like I'm sure you did.
:-)
Glad your lil' sweetie is safe and sound now with mama....
So, how did you manage not to cuss/punch out the PTA prez for NOT bringing you your baby? I need to learn that sort of restraint.
What an ass.
Man...you may not have anything against people that wear Pooh Bear sweaters but I sure do!
nononononoNO! you do not go to those kinds of parties with women who wear pooh bear sweaters. that's where they get drunk for the first time and try making out with you. because they want you to teach them how to kiss.
huffy women are LAME.
although, i'd take a huffy woman over a pooh bear woman. wait, the huffy woman was the pooh bear woman, huh? fuzzy wuzzy was a woman?
nevermind.
If I were you, I think I'd take that 2x4 and shove it up in Pooh Bear's business.
Dude, the fact that you even BOTHER TO CARE earns you major points. And WTF PTA lady?