Friday
Feb132009
Where Your Heart Is
Friday, February 13, 2009 at 3:30PM | Mr Lady
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
That's how that line goes, right? Little Ms. Atheist isn't as well-versed in the theologically inspirational lines as she'd like to think she is, but I'm pretty sure I've gotten that one right.
Three years ago, I sat on your porch and you told me how excited you were for me, that my move to another city and another country was going to be sunshine and rainbows and magic. You told me that I'd forge new relationships, ones that might just outshine those I was leaving behind. You told me, in so many words, that I'd find a new you.
Now, you are almost never wrong. Most of the things you say to me end up being dead-on correct, I just don't always see it right away. You seem to know things that I don't, understand things that I can't yet. I can only attribute this to you either A) being some creepy psychic sage or B) being old enough to know better. I'm going with B.
This time, though, this one time, I was right. You were wrong. For once, I knew something you didn't know.
I knew that you were not just anyone. I knew that I'd been waiting my whole life for you. I knew the measure of the empty space in my heart, and that it would take more than just a friend, more than just a mother to fill it.
For all of these years we've had together, you've stood back and let me stumble, you've watched me fall, you've stood at the edge of that hole I keep digging myself into and told me to get the fuck out of there already. You've never rescued me, but you've certainly saved me. You've never forced me, but you've guided me. You've never imposed, but you've always suggested. You've been the mother I didn't think I wanted and the friend I didn't think I needed.
I can't articulate how much I want to be at your table tonight, lighting your birthday candles. I can't tell you how much I miss being wrapped up in the middle of your family. I honestly am shocked at how badly I want to watch your grandchildren unwrap your birthday presents, how much I want to go smoke with your husband and talk about the motorcycle, to hear your son in law laugh, to hug your daughter until my arms burn, to lay my head on your son's shoulder, to see my kids run into your arms and to know that we're home.
That house, those people, the world you've created around you, the one you decided to share with me for reasons I'll never know; that's what I've looked my whole life for. It was that place, that feeling, that thing I'd seen on paper and film, but never really knew before.
Home.
You are my heart, my family, my friend and my home. And maybe you've got just enough years on me to know better about most everything else, but finally I'm old enough to know one little thing; I will never, ever let anything shut that door.
That's how that line goes, right? Little Ms. Atheist isn't as well-versed in the theologically inspirational lines as she'd like to think she is, but I'm pretty sure I've gotten that one right.
Three years ago, I sat on your porch and you told me how excited you were for me, that my move to another city and another country was going to be sunshine and rainbows and magic. You told me that I'd forge new relationships, ones that might just outshine those I was leaving behind. You told me, in so many words, that I'd find a new you.
Now, you are almost never wrong. Most of the things you say to me end up being dead-on correct, I just don't always see it right away. You seem to know things that I don't, understand things that I can't yet. I can only attribute this to you either A) being some creepy psychic sage or B) being old enough to know better. I'm going with B.
This time, though, this one time, I was right. You were wrong. For once, I knew something you didn't know.
I knew that you were not just anyone. I knew that I'd been waiting my whole life for you. I knew the measure of the empty space in my heart, and that it would take more than just a friend, more than just a mother to fill it.
For all of these years we've had together, you've stood back and let me stumble, you've watched me fall, you've stood at the edge of that hole I keep digging myself into and told me to get the fuck out of there already. You've never rescued me, but you've certainly saved me. You've never forced me, but you've guided me. You've never imposed, but you've always suggested. You've been the mother I didn't think I wanted and the friend I didn't think I needed.
I can't articulate how much I want to be at your table tonight, lighting your birthday candles. I can't tell you how much I miss being wrapped up in the middle of your family. I honestly am shocked at how badly I want to watch your grandchildren unwrap your birthday presents, how much I want to go smoke with your husband and talk about the motorcycle, to hear your son in law laugh, to hug your daughter until my arms burn, to lay my head on your son's shoulder, to see my kids run into your arms and to know that we're home.
That house, those people, the world you've created around you, the one you decided to share with me for reasons I'll never know; that's what I've looked my whole life for. It was that place, that feeling, that thing I'd seen on paper and film, but never really knew before.
Home.
You are my heart, my family, my friend and my home. And maybe you've got just enough years on me to know better about most everything else, but finally I'm old enough to know one little thing; I will never, ever let anything shut that door.
Reader Comments (46)
I can't speak for your mom, but if you were my kid, I'd be embracing you in a bear hug right now. That was just beautiful.
Oh my Shannon. It might be the PMS talking, but I'm tearing up. That is a beautiful post for someone who seems like a very special person. You are lucky to have her, just as she is lucky to have her.
Now enough with this and get back to making me laugh!! My hormones are in overdrive over here!!
*sniff.* beautiful beautiful post. could you not post this kind of stuff around this week every month?? that would be nice. thank you.
beautiful post.
How blessed we are. those of us who get to choose our family; thank you so much.
All right now. Stop making me CRY.
Beautiful post. Now write something funny damnit, I am sick of being all teary.
I lost Paul's mom a year ago this past Dec. I felt the same way about her and I still achingly miss her. She was the mother I never had. 5 years was nowhere enough time for us. These words were beautiful and they resound in my heart loud and clear. (Hugs)Indigo
Okay, just lost my mom in October and while she really sucked at the whole mommy-thing, she did teach me how to be a good mom. (Through her mistakes.)
Even though it hurts, it is still wonderful to hear others who love theirs and haven't been burned. To see a woman who was shaped by her mother rather than instead of.
Thank you. I hope my children love me as much.
Everyone should have someone like this in their life. I'm glad you do. :)
what a great birthday tribute! I am tearing up over here.
That makes if official...I want to be you.
A very heartfelt post...
My tears taste salty. Just so you know.
Very very sweet. Family is great, blood or otherwise.
I hope my friends feel that way about me.
You are such a beautiful writer.
Stand-in moms rock. I'm certain they get extra heaven,
As a man...who does not cry....I will say that was a very sweet post.
very nice shannon. very nice post. effin emotional now! thanks for that....
happy valentines day too
http://momofboxer.blogspot.com/2009/02/bathtub-licking.html
My favorite kind of Mr. Lady post. Why I'm addicted to your writing - when your heart just pours out all over the page so effortlessly. It's a gift.
And this woman - this other mom/friend of yours - wow. What a picture you've painted. I think we all want to hang out in that home now.
At least I know it's the kind of home I want to create for my family....thanks for reminding me of that.
And oh yeah, I'm teary eyed too - like all the rest.
This is wonderfully done!
Off topic - as I opened this in Reader my son, who is learning to read, came up behind me and slowly sounded out the name of your blog. He then collapsed in a fit of giggles and now can't stop saying it over and over again.
So thanks for the laugh too!
Happy Birthday! I will always love you for loving my girl!
I want someone to feel like this about me some day.
This is beautiful.
Where was the devotchka fundraiser? Seeing them tonight!
Mm. I need a mom like this.
Do you think that every mother/friend strives to find the right person for this kidn of connection to form? Or is it that some people are just incapable of providing a home like this because they don't want it??
I'm blessed with a mom like this and I hope to God that I give it to my children. I'm glad you found her.
She sounds like a beautiful amazing woman and you're lucky to have her just as I'm sure that she is blessed to have you!
I guess I can hardly blame the PMS, that was beautiful.
I think you know how much I get this.
(((hug)))
Awww. I love it when you spill your heart all over the place...makes the funny that much more so. Beautiful.
Now THAT is a proper birthday letter. May her day be as special as she is to you.
Well, that beats a silly old birthday card any day! Well done, Mr. Lady.
OMG - I really had no idea this existed in real life. The relationship or the ability to articulate so powerfully within it. I am awed. Thank you!!
I am wrapping you in the biggest bear hug.
Oh honey.
You don't need my words, because you know that you have my love, right? right.
Hugs and comfort to you darlin'.
your honesty never fails to astound me, change me and humble me. you are one hilarious woman but i think it's these rare glimpses into what your soul is made of that make me silence myself and remember that for all of the bad things in this world, you can choose good.
you done did good, girl. thank you for this.
Very nicely done!
Beautiful, love.
Where do you come up with this stuff... your emotional reservoir has GOT to run out some day. I can see you sitting behind your keyboard... "watch this, this will getum... muwahahahah!" (Just joking, I know this is all str8 from your heart.)
Who was this about...
Beautiful!
Very nice post ... I will never let the door shut ... I promise :-D
... what ... that wasn't about ME?
I wish I was as articulate as you
This is usually my daily dose of funny, but since I am a crybaby sap, I enjoyed this too! It was truly beautiful. *wipes tears*
i didn't cry, but that's just cuz i'm practicing bein' a cold-hearted bitch :)
beautifully written.
Now this post is just damn amazing. Amazing.
How, exactly, do you expect me to read when I am sobbing? Seriously. I have to go call my mom now. That was so beautiful.
Very beautiful post, but I don't think this is about your mother, is it?