;)
Wednesday
Feb182009
Karmic Retribution
Wednesday, February 18, 2009 at 2:55AM
My husband has told me numerous times that the best part of my blog is the comments, and I really can't argue him that fact. You people? You're funny. You're clever. You're vindictive as all get-out. Sci Fi Dad will almost always leave a comment that is funnier that anything I've ever hoped to say, and that's just one example. The Donor and I both love reading the comments and even though I am the suckiest blog comment responder in the whole entire world, don't think I don't read them all with my husband every night when he comes home. It's sort of our thing.
That Valentine's Day post? The comments were not his favorite. He says I have to vindicate him. He pays for the internet connection, and so I oblidge. Also, I only folded half the laundry today. Penance is a bitch.
(I will add, in my defense, that since I totally threw him under this bus on this post, he's teased me incessantly with the threat of a Valentine's Day bouquet of broccoli. If I was especially good, maybe he'd throw some asparagus in there for good measure. And I've secretly hoped for that, because really? Hilarious. So worth it. All I wanted was some damn BROCCOLI.)
Three hours after the idiot email, he emailed again and said, "Oh, and you looked really hot." Many, many hours later he came home from his 14 hour day at work and collapsed. Several hours later I awoke and totally taunted him with the fact that I'd taken a weed-whacker to the more delicate areas of my body after, oh, months of neglect, and then left him high and dry. He actually sat up in bed and mustered a "What. The. Fuck?" before he passed back out.
I came downstairs, feeling quite smug, to this:
Yes, he'd managed to squeeze 5 minutes in his very busy fourteen hour workday to go get me something. I am a jerk.
Inside that bag were all the candies I shouldn't have because I'm trying to be on a diet, because he loves me just the way I am, all squishy and floppy. I am an asshole. And when I looked deep into the bag, I found this, way at the bottom, under everything else.
Twizzlers. My all-time favorite candy. Raise your hands if you're already laughing.
The rest of you can take one guess as to what my kryptonite is, the one substance that will knock my on my ass with migranes so bad I go blind and my whole body twitches like I'm having a seizure and the nails, they get hammered into my skull through both eye sockets, all the temples and in the back of my neck. That's right, red food coloring. Twizzlers are my favorite candy in the whole world, and I can have them about as much as I can drink a nice, tall glass of bleach.
I laughed so hard, I cried a little. He got his little dig in. Either he was an asshole because he forgot, or he was just an asshole. It was comic GOLD. And that was the best Valentine's Day present I ever could have asked for.
That Valentine's Day post? The comments were not his favorite. He says I have to vindicate him. He pays for the internet connection, and so I oblidge. Also, I only folded half the laundry today. Penance is a bitch.
(I will add, in my defense, that since I totally threw him under this bus on this post, he's teased me incessantly with the threat of a Valentine's Day bouquet of broccoli. If I was especially good, maybe he'd throw some asparagus in there for good measure. And I've secretly hoped for that, because really? Hilarious. So worth it. All I wanted was some damn BROCCOLI.)
Three hours after the idiot email, he emailed again and said, "Oh, and you looked really hot." Many, many hours later he came home from his 14 hour day at work and collapsed. Several hours later I awoke and totally taunted him with the fact that I'd taken a weed-whacker to the more delicate areas of my body after, oh, months of neglect, and then left him high and dry. He actually sat up in bed and mustered a "What. The. Fuck?" before he passed back out.
I came downstairs, feeling quite smug, to this:
Yes, he'd managed to squeeze 5 minutes in his very busy fourteen hour workday to go get me something. I am a jerk.
Inside that bag were all the candies I shouldn't have because I'm trying to be on a diet, because he loves me just the way I am, all squishy and floppy. I am an asshole. And when I looked deep into the bag, I found this, way at the bottom, under everything else.
Twizzlers. My all-time favorite candy. Raise your hands if you're already laughing.
The rest of you can take one guess as to what my kryptonite is, the one substance that will knock my on my ass with migranes so bad I go blind and my whole body twitches like I'm having a seizure and the nails, they get hammered into my skull through both eye sockets, all the temples and in the back of my neck. That's right, red food coloring. Twizzlers are my favorite candy in the whole world, and I can have them about as much as I can drink a nice, tall glass of bleach.
I laughed so hard, I cried a little. He got his little dig in. Either he was an asshole because he forgot, or he was just an asshole. It was comic GOLD. And that was the best Valentine's Day present I ever could have asked for.
Reader Comments (40)
Ok. He is now redeemed.
Very good story too. Knew it'd be worth it.
So what you're saying is - HE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU???
Awwwww.
some thoughts while reading this post:
1. Buying candy for someone on a diet isn't mean, it's a kind gesture?
2. Were the twizzlers eaten when you opened them, or did you eat them before even thinking to take a photo? Furthermore, were all the other candies eaten before you opened the bag?
3. Perhaps using an instrument less abrasive (and maybe not as gas powered) as a weed whacker would allow you to perform that maintenance more frequently?
4. Weed whacker, broccoli, asparagus... why do I feel like the next post is about Mr. Lady finds a gardener?
But the most important question is, WHO IS THE DONOR'S FAVOURITE COMMENTER?
That's awesome. Mine gave in after surviving his obligatory "day-o-guilt" and brought me a rose. Yeah, I don't like roses, but he tried. Right? Heh.
Nice job, Donor! But I recommend you institute 'When the car gets an oil change, she gets flowers' .
(Hell, it's easier to remember than dentist appointments, right?)
Sweet, S!
Send me them there Twizzlers, I wouldn't want our delicate flower to get a headache or anything!
Finding the migraine-inducing Twizzlers at the bottom of an otherwise harmless bag of candy is like discovering a razor blade in a candied apple. He's provided you with your own "urban myth"...only not at Halloween. I wonder what's in Twizzlers that causes the headache.
Aw! These are the best v-day presents, real. No fake bs diamonds and what-not, that's all just superficial. This gift is love.
hey, no fair, i didn't badmouth him (i think, better go back and read said comments since I didn't know he was part of the evening reading) - where's my bag of candy?
although it really sucks that you got the one candy you can't have. that is soooo not cool man. banish him from the bedroom i say.
Now, now. You fucked with his mind, it's only fair he fucked with yours.
You rubbed it in his face (or actually, didn't ... ha ha) so kudos to him for scoring a point or two back on the judges' scorecards.
God knows us guys don't win one very often.
(and shouldn't working a 14-hour day on a Saturday result in a courtesy screw regardless of it being Feb. 14?)
yeah so thanks for giving me flippin stage fright now when i comment. asshole. (heh.) also? totally vindictive and i think i love the donor all the more now. my husband would do the same thing. (and has. asshole.) my question......... what did you get him??? i mean i assume the 'lets play bedtime naughty' was the gift but since that didn't happen... ?
I was still chuckling to myself this morning when I thought of his e-mail about cleaning. THAT is golden!
Oh, my. I think I've found a couple that enjoys the mind f*ck almost as much as we do!
Score one for the Donor. Hate to say it, but he SO won this battle.
Very Nice - And here I was all dee-lited with my Cracker Barrell breakfast for Valentine's Day. But, I just wanted to say - I love the new glasses.
the kiss arse
I promise I read the entire post, but I'm fixated on this red food coloring/migraine trigger thing. I get em bad and I'm wondering if that's it!?
Peed in my pants a little...Thanx!
ok, i don't know. call me crazy but, how does attempted murder get him outta the dog house?? i think i woulda taken a pic of your "freshly mown um yard" and given him that. and nothing else. :)
@ captain - now you know they can't play favorites! it would hurt everybody else's feelings when they picked me over y'all ;)
Oh you guys got something good going on over there...love it. Love the story. Love the Twizzlers and now I'm so curious to watch you eat them. Not in a cruel way, just kind of in a "I've never known anyone to have such a reaction to red food coloring and wouldn't it be interesting to observe in a medical observance kind of fashion."
Okay that sounded totally weird - but when I read posts there is always one thing that sticks. And now this red food coloring catastrophe is gonna stick with me and I'm not sure I'll look at a bag of Twizzlers the same way ever again.
For the record, my dude did jack. Not even a cute bag filled with things that give me migraines. I take that back. He did one thing. He finally wrote something on the card he bought me LAST YEAR for Valentine's Day that somehow sat untouched somewhere for a year without me finding it. I actually loved it.
We got something good going on over here too.
Wow - what a ramble. I'm not commenting anywhere else today. Yikes.
The Hubster once bought a pint of my fave ice cream, ate it nearly to the bottom and carved in the paltry remainder, "I love you," before placing it in the freezer. The post/discussion reminds me about the many other "funny" things he did and I'm wondering, why am I still here? Of course, he stayed with me even after I watched him slip in the scabied dog's water and fall flat on his face while I laughed out loud (we weren't loling back then).
Donor, congrats on the revenge/redemption.
Weedwhacker, chainsaw, whatever it takes. not that even know what you were talking about.
Biker Boy got me a Charlie Brown Valentine card, and I got him one with a hamster on the front. Doesn't exactly fit with Harley and the tats, but it works for us. Makes us laugh.
Sounds like that's what you guys have.
Good work, Donor. First, you give her something to complain about, creating a funny post. But then you also gave her something else to write about later in order to take the first post back. And she got a present, to boot. You have a black-belt in keeping Mr Lady on her heels.
Thanks. Now i had to open the twizzlers that were sitting in a bag minding their own business. dammit.
ps...love the monty python reference :)
OMG I"m in tears....thank you for the laugh...
this was hee-lay-ree-uss!!! He got his, that's for sure... whether or not he intended to!
"There is no gift more sincere or heartfelt than that which is meant to cause great pain and suffering to someone who deserves it."
Good one, Donor. :)
Since I became an example of red-neckness I will have to leave the weed whacker comments alone...you ugly whore! (Odd, I don't feel the relieved of my red-neck badge of shame... I will have to keep it up. Make clean all that is hill billy) ^_~ Anyway...
You had to know Donor would come through. He's a man's man.
Now that I think about it, I claim your man is sexy WAY (more often than I should) more often than I claim you are...
love ya guys!
**don't feel relieved**
I like the way he thinks...all twisted like.
nice :) Anytime your man brings you home twizzzlers...well he totally needs you to follow through with the picture gesture! lol :) enjoy your sugar buzz!
Ok so what this means is I still won the sucky Valentine's Day contest.
:-)
First off, I agree with you, SciFi Dad has to be one of the best all time commenters ever.
Secondly, remember how I told your husband I loved him the other day, on the phone?
I totally stand by it.
Sperm Donor, I'm yours.
Too funny. Don't you HATE it when they one-up us?
As for nether regions - on Valentine's Day mine didn't even notice a weedwacker is DEFINITELY in order. WOW! TMI!
I honestly thought you were going to say that while he was passed out you took a weed whacker to his unattended to nether regions.
If it makes you feel any better, I got my wife a ton of chocolates on Valentine's Day knowing that she would eat the entire box in like 2 minutes...and I'm a personal trainer.
That's beyond perfect!
I've never seen these twizzler things in England. I want some. Now! (are they nice?)
Be thankful (or maybe not, haha) that it didn't come in a cute box with a homemade duct tape bow! (like mine did)
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