Tuesday
Mar172009
Thanks, But I've Donated My Uterus To Science Fiction
Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 1:53AM | Mr Lady
A little more than a week ago, I had a few teeth ripped out of my face.
The thing is that when I was 18, I had xrays done and those xrays indicated that I had, and I quote, "plenty of room for those things to come on out on their own!" So I let them. If a dentist ever tells you that, duct tape them to their examination chair and run for it. It's a trap. They're in it with the pain killer companies building landing strips for gay martians, I swear to god*.
My gums had plentyof room for those teeth. My jaw had other ideas. My bologna has a first name, it's oh-my-god-that-hurts. I had the two on the right side removed one by one, both fully erupted, both when it became an emergency, both with nothing but local anesthetics, which isn't fun for you or your dentist or your kids in the waiting room who you have drive home and take care of after they've drilled and jack-hammered and raped and pillaged and left you with nothing more than a dry socket and a bottle of motrin.
You'll thank me later aside: Clove Oil. Best thing in the galaxy for tooth pain. Babies, idiots who let their wisdom teeth come out on their own, anyone. You can buy it anywhere like this.
None of this has anything to do with this post. Maybe I should start over.
A little more than a week ago, I had a few teeth ripped out of my face. A little more than three decades ago, I was born with two holes in my heart. What these two things have in common with each other is amoxicillin.
Because I have these errant holes laying around in my heart, I have to eat a bazillion grams of amox before a dentist can even breath on me to prevent endocarditis, which is a fancy word for Death By Dentist. The American Heart Association has recently said that some of us don't need to "premed" anymore because the big, scary, evil antibiotics are going to kill us. I had a lively chat with my dentist about this very subject and when he said that I was going to build up a resistance to antibiotics I said I hadn't yet built up a resistance to death and until he had two holes in his heart, he could refrain from judging my choices.
I got the prescription. I took it.
This is where I get to my point.
I picked up the prescription and the pharmacist says, "You know that's going to interfere with your birth control, right?" And I said, "Thank you, but I'm really a man." Then I read the little pamphlet that comes with it about the 18 thousand ways it's probably going to kill me and of course, in big yellow highlighted letters, it cautioned, "Antibiotics might decrease the effectiveness of birth control pills." And I told that pamphlet, "Thanks for the heads up, but I'm celibate." And then I got to the dentist and the receptionist asked, "Did you premed" and I said that I had and she asks, "You know that will interfere with your birth control?" and I said, "Are you hitting on me?"
I have never had anyone inquire so much about my birth control. Which actually explains a lot about where I am in life right now.
Anyway, I was called back to the Chair Of Doom and the dentist looked over my xrays, stuck the iv thingy in my arm, took a call from his wife in which I could hear her screaming at him and see him blushing from embarrassment, and as he injected whatever that totally awesome stuff that knocks you out is into my iv line, he shoved my chart in my face and pointed at the word, "PREMED." I nodded. I think I may have said, "snarfblastaschmurna" which of course means, "Dude, I so totally took it" and as the world began to grow dark and cozy, he pointed and the line below and with a quizzical look on his face, he violently shook that chart in front of my completely stoned eyes.
"MAY INTERFERE WITH BIRTH CONTROL" *stage black*
Here's the thing. I don't take birth control, and you'd have to do a hell of a lot more than hand me a bottle or come at my head with sharp instruments to get me to tell you what I do use. (Like by me shots.) This, however, is not really my issue.
This is.
Either this is a really, really cruel joke, or these people are idiots. Have they never pulled a wisdom tooth wrapped around a nerve before? Are they unaware that the one and only thing I will most certainly not be doing for several days, if not a week, will be it? I was sexier 5 minutes post-partum than I was until about a day ago.
They may as well have sent me home with a paper bag for my head, a ruffie, bottle of KY and a note for the Donor that read, "Enjoy the silence, yo!" because, really. The smell? Dear god. The pain? Sweet Baby Jesus. The swelling?
Yeah. But thanks for the warning.
*Please, someone get that.
The thing is that when I was 18, I had xrays done and those xrays indicated that I had, and I quote, "plenty of room for those things to come on out on their own!" So I let them. If a dentist ever tells you that, duct tape them to their examination chair and run for it. It's a trap. They're in it with the pain killer companies building landing strips for gay martians, I swear to god*.
My gums had plentyof room for those teeth. My jaw had other ideas. My bologna has a first name, it's oh-my-god-that-hurts. I had the two on the right side removed one by one, both fully erupted, both when it became an emergency, both with nothing but local anesthetics, which isn't fun for you or your dentist or your kids in the waiting room who you have drive home and take care of after they've drilled and jack-hammered and raped and pillaged and left you with nothing more than a dry socket and a bottle of motrin.
You'll thank me later aside: Clove Oil. Best thing in the galaxy for tooth pain. Babies, idiots who let their wisdom teeth come out on their own, anyone. You can buy it anywhere like this.
None of this has anything to do with this post. Maybe I should start over.
A little more than a week ago, I had a few teeth ripped out of my face. A little more than three decades ago, I was born with two holes in my heart. What these two things have in common with each other is amoxicillin.
Because I have these errant holes laying around in my heart, I have to eat a bazillion grams of amox before a dentist can even breath on me to prevent endocarditis, which is a fancy word for Death By Dentist. The American Heart Association has recently said that some of us don't need to "premed" anymore because the big, scary, evil antibiotics are going to kill us. I had a lively chat with my dentist about this very subject and when he said that I was going to build up a resistance to antibiotics I said I hadn't yet built up a resistance to death and until he had two holes in his heart, he could refrain from judging my choices.
I got the prescription. I took it.
This is where I get to my point.
I picked up the prescription and the pharmacist says, "You know that's going to interfere with your birth control, right?" And I said, "Thank you, but I'm really a man." Then I read the little pamphlet that comes with it about the 18 thousand ways it's probably going to kill me and of course, in big yellow highlighted letters, it cautioned, "Antibiotics might decrease the effectiveness of birth control pills." And I told that pamphlet, "Thanks for the heads up, but I'm celibate." And then I got to the dentist and the receptionist asked, "Did you premed" and I said that I had and she asks, "You know that will interfere with your birth control?" and I said, "Are you hitting on me?"
I have never had anyone inquire so much about my birth control. Which actually explains a lot about where I am in life right now.
Anyway, I was called back to the Chair Of Doom and the dentist looked over my xrays, stuck the iv thingy in my arm, took a call from his wife in which I could hear her screaming at him and see him blushing from embarrassment, and as he injected whatever that totally awesome stuff that knocks you out is into my iv line, he shoved my chart in my face and pointed at the word, "PREMED." I nodded. I think I may have said, "snarfblastaschmurna" which of course means, "Dude, I so totally took it" and as the world began to grow dark and cozy, he pointed and the line below and with a quizzical look on his face, he violently shook that chart in front of my completely stoned eyes.
"MAY INTERFERE WITH BIRTH CONTROL" *stage black*
Here's the thing. I don't take birth control, and you'd have to do a hell of a lot more than hand me a bottle or come at my head with sharp instruments to get me to tell you what I do use. (Like by me shots.) This, however, is not really my issue.
This is.
Either this is a really, really cruel joke, or these people are idiots. Have they never pulled a wisdom tooth wrapped around a nerve before? Are they unaware that the one and only thing I will most certainly not be doing for several days, if not a week, will be it? I was sexier 5 minutes post-partum than I was until about a day ago.
They may as well have sent me home with a paper bag for my head, a ruffie, bottle of KY and a note for the Donor that read, "Enjoy the silence, yo!" because, really. The smell? Dear god. The pain? Sweet Baby Jesus. The swelling?
Yeah. But thanks for the warning.
*Please, someone get that.
Reader Comments (53)
OW. OW. OW. OW. OW.
I was ridiculously lucky with my wisdom teeth (well, for the most part, until I sweartoGod I woke up towards the end and felt them goddamn pulling the last tooth out, but that's another story) and did really well - no dry socket, not much swelling...hell, I was out with my Dad, seeing Harry Potter, that same day. I should mention that apparently I am not friends with Mister Vicodin, and he and I had a tussle that day after I took a shitload of that stuff, and I ended up running balls out fast out of the movie theatre three times to go puke in the little girl's room. Anyways. Mostly, it was as good as it gets.
I hope you're feeling a buttload of better now. We've missed you Shan.
XOXO.
Where were all these fools with their warnings when you got pregnant with your first while on birth control?
I don't know if I have any wisdom, but I do know that I have had 24 teeth yanked out, 16 milk and 8 proper bad-boys. Morale of the story don't think you can walk across horizontal ladders on climbing frames in foreign countries. But the worst part of it, was no one, at any time, warned it would affect my birth control, mind my birth control was having a mouthful of mess, that seemed to work.
You'll always be my punk rock girl.
Also, isn't there a standing married couple joke where the wife says something like, "I don't care what he does once I'm asleep, so long as he puts the nightgown back where he found it when he's finished?"
I've actually had that done, sans birth control.
Also? Just to be an asshole, it's landing PAD, not landing STRIP, which is actually a type of pubic hair configuration.
Hey Mr. Lady! I once had three wisdom teeth pulled at the same session.......I went back to work after. I'm sooooooooo sorry. Might I recommend the flex sigmoidoscopy? I had one yesterday................nothing like having a camera shoved up your ass. Of course I was all.............I'm ready for my close up Mr. DeMille! Peace, Mike.
does this mean i should get mine out, or not...? have been avoiding it for years. i also don't have to worry about BC - infant tiwns are all the BC i need!!
You know sugar, I really didn't need to see that pic of you. Hope you're feeling better soon.
Okay, I can't hold back anymore. Tried to let decorum rule the day on your son's b'day post, but after this I just can't.
Can't do it.
Thing is, if when it came time to wrap something, you really did suck? There'd be no 1,2 or 3 of 3.
Whew. Felt good to get that out.
And for today's post - if you're lucky, you got Versed. I had a scope done recently and had my first taste of that. Shortly after the procedure I was admitted to the hospital for attempting to fly off our home's roof while wearing my son's Superman underwear and a red blanket wrapped around my neck.
just the words 'clove oil' makes me light headed- I had very similar experience - murmurs and all. As they shoved the gauze laden in clove oil down the cavenous holes in the back of my mouth with a pic- the room started spinning and I fainted.
Fast Forward a few years- one of my best friends was going through accupuncture to stop smoking and one of her 'scents' was clove oil- and down I went.
I'm lucky that IT doesn't interfere with birth control- because I'm told that unconscious women are pretty hot.
I don't know that you could have found a more flattering photo.
Hmmm, I had all four out a month ago (three fully erupted, one was *peeking* through and trying to push my top teeth an inch forward OWWWWWWW) and I did it with novocaine and Ativan (No IV). The Ativan (muscle relaxer) did shit for me, as evidenced by the way I shook in the chair out of nerves, but the novocaine did it's job. I had very little pain afterwards (thanks Vicodin!) and no swelling.
I'm not saying this to make you jealous, I'm just sayin' this because...well, maybe I am (Also, to let anybody out there know that it's not always horrible, because believe you me, before I had it done, everyone thought it was their duty to give me their horror stories from twenty years ago!).
(It helps that my dentist is young and attractive.)
Are you feeling better now?
Ugh, I had one tooth pulled in early December, and I'm still traumatized at the experience. The pain beforehand was intense, and turned to clove oil also. After using it for a few days, it actually took my fingernail polish off, which in turn freaked me out at what it might be doing to my gums.
Hope you feel better soon!
Are you telling us you want a burrow owl for your birthday? Because everybody knows a burrow owl lives in a hole in the ground! Why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?
Crap, my dentist told me the same thing the last 2 times I went....
It's nice that they told YOU so many times because not a single prescribing doctor, pharmacist, nice lady at Planned Parenthood hypothesizing about how my birth control failed, OR stranger on the street gave me the MAY INTERFERE WITH BIRTH CONTROL news. Enter, my 3-year-old son, stage left.
Like I told you before...best thing you can do for your 14 yo son is to "forget" to tell him there was an option for IV sedation and let him get his wisdom teeth pulled with just novocaine! That'll teach the little sucker to........oh wait, I'm heading off on another subject here......
I had a dry socket when I had mine pulled...I went to get it checked out and when I went into the exam room I was thinking, damn, they didn't even clean up in here...there is dirty gause on the table...nope, it was clove oil on gause just for me! I was convinced I stunk all day!
But did you know that it could interfere with your birth control pills?
Wow dude - that whole story just brought me back to my wisdom teeth extraction nightmare and I was on birth control and even though I looked like absolute hell and FELT even worse, I have a drugged up memory of my kinda ex-boyfriend coming over and wanting to - you know - do it.
Now that you're making me relive this fiasco, I'm wondering if he had some swollen face fetish that he never told me about.....weird.
I'm so sorry you feel like you look like that....ouuccchhhh.
Hmmm maybe they saw you toting around the three kids, AT THE DENTIST, and just wanted to be sure to warn you?? Like this lady NEEDS any more kids.
Really, all that warning about the birth control? If ONLY someone even mentioned that I wouldn't have found myself pregnant at 18 after religiously taking said birth control and wondering how in the hell this happened to me. (Clearly I was taking the antibiotics for an infected wound that didn't interfere with "it".)
Though I have had the wisdom teeth pulled. On 2 different occasions. Top ones first, bottom ones about a year later. Both times I was only given a local because both times I had wee ones in the waiting room. I can TOTALLY sympathize with the pain and the horror and the wanting to throw one's self off the roof in an attempt to temporarily forget about the pain inside my mouth.
She *was* hitting on you. :)
I have to say, you make the dentist sound like so much fun. I'm making my next appointment right now.
Long time since I've been around but glad things are still moving along nicely and your adventures contineu.
I had my wisdom teeth pulled also but I got very lucky. No real swelling not much pain and my birth control pills worked quite well. Bwaaa haaa haaa!!!
I had to add the birth control pills bit in....you know.....
Okay, 1) I am apologizing because I don't get the gay Martian reference, but 2) I am exulting because when my husband got his wisdom teeth out 14 years ago or so, I greeted him with "dude, you look like that kid from Mask" and he didn't talk to me for days (something about being unsympathetic?), and 3) I am sad, because I referenced this very movie/conversation among fellow medical students who are all at least 8 years younger than me recently and all I received was BLANK STARES. To sum up, I am an old meanie who doesn't know a thing about gay Martians.
I had my wisdom teeth removed a year or two after I got out of the Air Force. The expense is what I remember the most. Had I had them removed while I was in it would have been free. I remember it being painful, but not as bad as yours.
Sounds terrible. Hope your better and back to normal.
Dental work stuff makes me pass out. It's not even funny. I freak.
Note from from your Friendly Aromatherapist:
Pure Clove essential oil should be used with caution, big time. A lot of Aromatherapists don't recommend it to be used neat, and especially not on babies. If someone is going to use it neat (like directly on a sore gum) it should always be therapeutic grade--not something from a natural food store, for example. Those are usually cut with chemicals or otherwise adulterated.
God, how awful. My husband had three taken out at once, and I had to wash them out with a syringe each day. It was disgusting! Especially as they ended up getting infected. I swear, I still have nightmares about it. Thank God, mine have never had to come out - yet!
I hate dental work. I blame the fact that I have really strong enamel. Which, on the one hand means after 32 years of life I have no cavities. On the other hand it means that my baby teeth wouldn't come loose, so at about age 8, I had 8 baby teeth removed. Under local. It was the cracking sounds as he had to break some of the teeth because they were bound into my jaw so strongly.
And then a couple of years ago I started having wisdom teeth taken out. First the one side, then the next year, the other (because I had insurance, the dentist said they'd have to come out eventually, etc, not because they were really bugging me). And yes, I had the stuff that knocks you out because I have experienced tooth removal with local and it is unpleasant.
Turns out I had a total of 5 wisdom teeth.
All on top. None on the bottom.
Don't hate me dude but guess what?
I don't HAVE any wisdom teeth.
Some people say this means I have no wisdom. I believe it means that I am more fully evolved. Thank GOD I'm passing on these genes...
I know, right? Dried-Blood Breath = not bringing sexy back.
My wisdom teeth were removed under general anthesia when I was 21. Three impacted, the fourth tooth could not make up its mind if it was coming in or going to impact.
And I'm amazed how many things interfere with birth control pills; anti depressants, anti biotics, forgetting to take them. And so on.
Yea, I had less pain from childbirth and having my tubes tied. The oral surgeon made me leave by the BACK DOOR so that his other patients wouldn't see me.
I'm so glad you're back. I needed my Mr. Lady fix and BAD. I promise I'll use a condom.
Mine came out a few days ago, too. Well, the right side anyway. I so feel your pain and I got the lectures on the amoxicillin messing with my birth control, too. Yeah, so no feeling like doing the hanky panky right now. Right now I'm just dying to EAT SOMETHING.
Totally feel your pain. I have had like, 20 permanent teeth pulled including the wisdom teeth. (Yes, I do brush, result of an accident). Under sedation is the way to go.
The discomfort should take up the slack from the birth control/antibiotic cocktail.
Ow ow ow. My mouth hurts from reading this post!
When we first started dating, David got an infection from an impacted wisdom teeth. The pain was so bad he was banging his head on the window of the car going to the emerg.
Those puppies came out. And he was pretty whiny about the whole recovery thing.
But I have to say, I'm really glad that wasn't me. And so sorry it was you a couple weeks ago.
You know the dentist totally feels you up while you are under. Don't be surprised if you end up pregnant.
Oh and girl, I had a stroke. I fucking WIN!
MWAH.
I guess this should have made me feel pain, but mostly, it made me laugh. I have no wisdom teeth. I can afford to laugh.
Hope you're healing quickly.
Oh my God. You poor thing. I can't even imagine what they must have been like, but i LOVE the part where you asked the nurse if she was hitting on you! LOL
I have all my teeth. I'm 44. The doctor told me only 5% of all people my age still have their wisdom teeth. I hope that's not a bad thing, like, the older you get, the worse it is when you have to have them pulled!!!!!!!!!
I had mine pulled at 14 and I ALWAYS use the Eric Stoltz/Mask reference when I retell the horrors of what I looked like. It was like my face elongated and my freckles stretched like the design on a balloon. (A really sh*tty balloon, but whatev.)
My mother assured me for the entire week it took my face to unswell that I looked fine. And then years later she said, "Do you know how hard it was for me not to laugh at you? Every time I looked at your face I had to think about what I was making for dinner to keep from breaking down."
Hope you feel better soon!
Ugh. My mouth is the highest point of pain tolerance in my body and you had ME cringing! ::hugs:: I hope you're feeling better.
Hilarious! Really you are so funny! AND that kid from Mask gives me the creeps and makes my heart ache at the same time.
Did you have the distinct pleasure of waking up from the IV while they were still yanking crap out of your face? That's fun too.
You know what, Shannon? I like you. You're not like the other people, here, in the trailer park.
You're scaring me. I get mine out Saturday.
Ouch!
Heal well, and quickly!
Want to hear my awesome wisdom tooth extraction story? I had them taken out my sophomore year of college and ate pork chops for dinner that very day. I still took the drugs and skipped classes for a few days, though. Because if you can't milk minor surgery to get high and miss economics lectures, what good are you?
First wanted to say - Welcome Back! - You were missed. (I was going to say sorely, but then I thought that might be a poor choice of words).
Second - Martians - Dead Milkmen?
Third - I'm really sorry for your horrific experience, but at least you didn't get pregnant right? Cause I have heard that antibiotics can interfere with your birth control. I mean - if you are taking birth control and all.
I had all four of my wisdom teeth out at the same time. Two had to be dug for and part of my jaw bone removed because of some medical thingy I did not quite understand. It all sucks and I agree that is the one time I found ppl to be so concerned about my method of birth control. Never been quizzed that much about it since. BTW love love love the site!!!!!
I still, to this day almost 2 full years later, maintain that I didn't need to have my wisdom teeth out. It hurt like hell, and my semi-dental-phobias became full blown.
Also, I'm apparently allergic to every pill form of antibiotic in the universe, so I got hives after mine! Yippeee!!
Hope you feel better soon!