Monday
Apr132009
Fool-Proof Holiday Diet Plan
Monday, April 13, 2009 at 3:12AM | Mr Lady
At 11 pm on Sunday night, I realized that I had no clue whatsoever where 1of3's Easter basket was. Now, I'd be fooling myself if I said he actually believed in the Easter Bunny still, but I'm certainly not about to be the one to out the nail in that coffin. I've already more-or-less ruined Santa and the Tooth Fairy; I'm holding on to that damn bunny with all I've got.
So there I was, Saturday night, Easter Eve, 11 pm, and no basket for the 11-ish year old. And so I did what any normal, sane person would do...I went to Walmart. And yep, it was closed. And yep, I know you knew that already. Shut up. So then I went to Canadian Superstore, which is kind of like Target's bastard red-headed step brother, and yep. They were closed, too. Then, obviously, I went to Safeway. Because I'm a genius, that's why.
I got out of the car at about 11:30 and started walking to the door. Two drunk guys were dicking around in the crates outside the store. The one drunk guy said, "Dooooode, you're totally stuck! Do you need some help? *burb*" and the other drunk guy said, "Fuck you, dude! Fuck you, crate! Fuck you, fat chick in the white pants!" I turned to the left, I turned to my right, I looked down at My. White. Pants. Then I died.
Drunk guys still realize I'm fat. Great.
I gave up, went home, left out a wine bag full of treats for 1of3 and went to bed. And I didn't eat one single piece of Easter candy today. Yet.
So there I was, Saturday night, Easter Eve, 11 pm, and no basket for the 11-ish year old. And so I did what any normal, sane person would do...I went to Walmart. And yep, it was closed. And yep, I know you knew that already. Shut up. So then I went to Canadian Superstore, which is kind of like Target's bastard red-headed step brother, and yep. They were closed, too. Then, obviously, I went to Safeway. Because I'm a genius, that's why.
I got out of the car at about 11:30 and started walking to the door. Two drunk guys were dicking around in the crates outside the store. The one drunk guy said, "Dooooode, you're totally stuck! Do you need some help? *burb*" and the other drunk guy said, "Fuck you, dude! Fuck you, crate! Fuck you, fat chick in the white pants!" I turned to the left, I turned to my right, I looked down at My. White. Pants. Then I died.
Drunk guys still realize I'm fat. Great.
I gave up, went home, left out a wine bag full of treats for 1of3 and went to bed. And I didn't eat one single piece of Easter candy today. Yet.
The whole set's on FlickR. If you're into that sort of thing.
Reader Comments (38)
Oh fuck off. They were drunk, stuck in crates at Safeway at closing time. Obviously, they were completely mentally deficient.
I am getting on a plane RIGHT NOW.
I will buy some white pants on the way to your house.
We will show those guys what a fat chick in white pants looks like.
(and DUUUUUUUUDE! White pants? Seriously, a little part of me died right now.)
Yeah, I ALWAYS let drunk guys dictate my diet plans.
I do understand though. That would have really pissed me off. Although, honestly, it would have sucked more if they approached you...
Look at me, all 'bright side' and all. TOTALLY not my style. Guess you bring out the best in me...
White pants? Seriously?
Meh... maybe your plan was to draw an upside down bunny face on your shirt and then walk around on your hands all day so you'd look like a big bunny (hence why you were wearing white pants... to get big white bunny ears when inverted). That was probably your plan.
Who you?? Nah...they were drunk and they were probably seeing double. ;)
Happy Monday!!
~K
You are listed on the blog list of Angie at Keep Believing. You know that she lost her husband to cancer on March 17. Angie and Brian would have celebrated their 12th wedding anniversary on April 19. I am hoping that I can get everyone in her blog list to post on their blogs at 12:00 am on April 19 a post with the title “Keep Believing” so that when she opens her blog, her blog list is filled with recent posts all titled “Keep Believing”. I don’t know how else to arrange this other than commenting on blogs, so forgive my off-topic comment. I would ask that you keep the post up for 24 hours in case she doesn’t look right away, and you don’t have to publish anything with it, just the title will do. I am using the scheduled post feature provided by blogger so I don’t forget. Thanks so much. Heather.
Why is everyone hating on white pants? I saw TWO women in white pants at Easter on Sunday and they both looked FABULOUS!
see, you just couldn't hear his spelling of "fat chick in the white pants" what he said was "Fuck you, PHAT chick in the white pants," and that means something altogether better. ;-)
I think I would have yelled "Fuck you ya drunk ass hole", but then I would have ran to my car. Or maybe, I would have gotten in my car, drove by slowly and yelled at them and then taken off.
Of course, with my luck, my car would die right at that moment.
Since when do you believe what drunk guys tell you? Sounds like they were just pissed off AND drunk. Try not to give them much heed. :)
Dear Mr. Lady,
You are hott.
Consider that the word "fat" came from a guy who has just said "fuck you" to a crate that his fat ass was stuck in. Who the hell gets stuck in a crate. What an idiot.
:)
Maybe he meant "phat."
Fuckers. And hey, I ate enough candy/dessert/ etc...to make up for your lack of, take heart. I made two fruit pizzas that nobody-NOBODY-ate, so my feeling were hurt and I made up for it.
Wine bag as Easter basket? Why didn't I think of that?!?! Would have save my FIL from the heart attack he almost had watching Spike play with the giant basket bag I bought to "wrap" the boys' baskets. A wine bag wouldn't even fit over his head, so there would have been no cause for concern at all!!
HOLY SHIT!! IF you're fat- what the hell does that make me??!! Moby f'n Dick???!!!
Omg- I will never leave my house again!!
It was just the pants. And the the lighting. Wearing white pants at night adds an extra 5 pounds, everyone knows that. Even Celine Dion can't pull off white pants in a poorly lit area.
And, BTW? We're talking about two drunk douchebags hanging out in front of a Safeway on a Saturday night. Not exactly a reliable source.
You are hot. And I know this from when I staked out your house and watched through my high powered binoculars.
I know your not fat.
the end.
xox
Isn't it amazing that something muttered by total idiots can hit you so hard?
On my five year anniversary, my son was one. My mom graciously agreed to take him for four days (this is a miracle in itself.) My husband and I went to San Diego. I still had ALL of my baby weight, but still wasn't so big. As we were walking down the sidewalk some dude in a car said, "That chick would be hot if she didn't have such a gut."
Thanks a lot. Take away my sexiness on my DAMN anniversary! Ass.
I'm sure you're not even close to fat though. Maybe they were seeing double!
Do you want me to beat the shit out of them for you?
I think we should form a gang of white pants wearing ninjas (do ninjas work in gangs? Pods? Clans? Covens?) and go kick some drunk dood ass. In red wedge boots by Crocs. Then we all go to a bar and get snockered on cosmos.
Drunk Guy is obviously an idiot. Fuck 'em. You're a totally hot MILF and you know it! ;)
You and Kelley can stay in the car, and I will march up to those dudes, lean over, and show a clip from Kill Bill on the surroundaround screen created by my ass in a pair of white pants purchased at the Walmart on my way over. I suspect that by the time I turn back around in my white pants, they'll have pissed theirs.
Jessica's comment exactly. I couldn't say it any better.
But me? Never ever again in white pants. Unless I lose some serious ass weight. :-)
Pffffft, as if drunk guys know anything. They couldn't find their way out of a bunch of crates! I bet you looked stunning.
I can't wear white pants ever since I got a nose bleed all over mine in middle school, but you rock 'em.
I would have said, "but at least I'm going to get laid tonight while you are thinking your drunk friend isn't looking too bad for a dude, you asshat."
BASTARDS. Never let a drunk guy stand between you and your peeps.
I kinda said something like "since you already know about the Easter Bunny, can you watch your brother and sister while I run out at the last minute to buy whatever candy I can find left at the store?" That sealed the deal so that there wasn't any confusion in his mind.
And his dad was asleep upstairs, so don't be calling any protective services on me...
Oh, honey!
But there are some great comments here from the Sister-sphere. I want to party with you people.
I just admire you for being able to wear white pants. I haven't worn white pants since the unfortunate, "who built that snow-man in the window" incident of 1988. It was a mirror which I realized when I saw that the big-ass snowman had my purse.
Uh, and I've been drunk, AND in a shopping cart, so...yeah, I'm cool like that. (not SAFEWAY cool though, we were behind the KMart!)
Yikes, if they thought YOU were fat, they would've called me a giant whale in a pink tarp. Some people are such assholes. You know what you should've done? Told HIM to fuck off and die in that crate. People need to be confrontational to rude mother f'ers.
I find it slightly funny that people are hating on the white pants. White jeans are hard to pull off, but white pants are pretty cool, unless they're see thru.
Well, having kids also gained you a lot of humor. And who knows what those bastards really meant? I don't know too many women who would look thin in white pants at nighttime -- as a drunken shout, I would interpret their words to mean you stood out, filled the night with light, whatever. You're not fat. :-)
Jerks.
ok 1st I have a couple questions...Is a "crate" a shopping cart? What wine comes in bags unless you buy it from a wine store and if you can do that cudoos because those places are F'ing expensive here? Kori...dood...fruit pizza?...really? And the most important question, If they where drunk assholes in shopping carts calling you fat why didn't you just tip over the carts? Thats just me though. Oh and it wasn't white denim was it?
Bastages!
Can we talk about how in love with you I am? And how freaking sad I am that I haven't met you sooner?
Can we be friends?
Mr. Lady, you are not even on the same CONTINENT as fat.
And I agree with everyone else, some dumbass who's so drunk he gets stuck
in a crate is not a reliable judge of anything...
That is so not nice. I agree with Island Mummy's assessment of that jerk's judgment.
hilarious! found you on blogher and so glad i did!
http://chroniclesofmomnia.blogspot.com