Monday
Apr272009
This Guy
Monday, April 27, 2009 at 9:58AM | Mr Lady
About six weeks ago, I stopped biting my nails. Yes, this is the kind of hard hitting reporting you get out of me.
You care that I stopped biting my nails about as much as you care that I stopped leading with my left foot for a month, just to see if I could do it. I, however, care quite a bit that I stopped biting my nails because it's only once or twice I decade I can pull it off. I almost quit for good when I was four, the day my mother got all up in my face and told me to knock it off before she knocked it off for me. I think I could have stopped; in fact, I'm sure I would have except that I was really gullible and my big brother was really bored. He'd already tested out every other theory on me (ask him about gravity...go on) and so that fateful day, he decided to experiment with behavioral science.
"You know," he said to me in our room, just the two of us, with no one listening, "you know, those nails are your nails. They're not hers. She really can't tell you what to do with your own fingers. You shouldn't let people tell you what to do all the time."
And so I did exactly what he told me to. And I am still a nail biter. That son of a bitch was right.
Except that once or twice every half decade or so, I can suddenly just stop biting them. I don't know why and I don't argue it because it's super awesome to have fingernails. I can open soda cans and scratch my itches and get stuff out of my ears without a q-tip if push comes to shove, and I don't need a fork to do any of it. What's not super awesome is that my fingernails grow out about the same strength and consistency as parchment paper. They get holes in the middle of them, they peel off in layers, they split and snag on everything and they drive me insane until I bite them off. And then I wait five years to do it all again.
And so I have to get my nails done. I have to get them polished and buffed and reinforced with that liquid cement nail stuff that doesn't smell anywhere near as good as the liquid cement stuff in 3rd grade art class did, but it works so I'll take it. And because I am a married single mother, if I get a manicure, so does my kid.
If you're so much as thinking about telling me that your mom watches your kids for you so you can get your nails done, or that you do it over your lunch break while your kid is at daycare, or that you don't have any kids so you can get a nice, peaceful manicure whenever you want, just know that I will reach through this computer and punch you in the teeth when you do.
To be noted: Taking a three year old into a nail salon is just about exactly like taking a bull into a china shop, except that she doesn't have the ring in her nose. Yet. That, and the china shop is full of poison. Also, to be noted: Old women, surprisingly enough, don't think it's cute when adorable three year old try to splash around in their chemically-induced-blue pedicure soaking tubs.
So I took her with me last time, and she managed to walk out not only alive, but alive with very cute little pink-that-she-picked-out-herself fingernails with tragically cute little flowers painted on her thumbs. And I managed to walk out with all of my hair. Win, win. And then there was this.
And no, she doesn't know her alphabet, she barely speaks English, she can't wipe her own butt and she thinks that purple is called black. But she's got the "two thumbs" thing down pat. Yes, I am so proud.
You care that I stopped biting my nails about as much as you care that I stopped leading with my left foot for a month, just to see if I could do it. I, however, care quite a bit that I stopped biting my nails because it's only once or twice I decade I can pull it off. I almost quit for good when I was four, the day my mother got all up in my face and told me to knock it off before she knocked it off for me. I think I could have stopped; in fact, I'm sure I would have except that I was really gullible and my big brother was really bored. He'd already tested out every other theory on me (ask him about gravity...go on) and so that fateful day, he decided to experiment with behavioral science.
"You know," he said to me in our room, just the two of us, with no one listening, "you know, those nails are your nails. They're not hers. She really can't tell you what to do with your own fingers. You shouldn't let people tell you what to do all the time."
And so I did exactly what he told me to. And I am still a nail biter. That son of a bitch was right.
Except that once or twice every half decade or so, I can suddenly just stop biting them. I don't know why and I don't argue it because it's super awesome to have fingernails. I can open soda cans and scratch my itches and get stuff out of my ears without a q-tip if push comes to shove, and I don't need a fork to do any of it. What's not super awesome is that my fingernails grow out about the same strength and consistency as parchment paper. They get holes in the middle of them, they peel off in layers, they split and snag on everything and they drive me insane until I bite them off. And then I wait five years to do it all again.
And so I have to get my nails done. I have to get them polished and buffed and reinforced with that liquid cement nail stuff that doesn't smell anywhere near as good as the liquid cement stuff in 3rd grade art class did, but it works so I'll take it. And because I am a married single mother, if I get a manicure, so does my kid.
If you're so much as thinking about telling me that your mom watches your kids for you so you can get your nails done, or that you do it over your lunch break while your kid is at daycare, or that you don't have any kids so you can get a nice, peaceful manicure whenever you want, just know that I will reach through this computer and punch you in the teeth when you do.
To be noted: Taking a three year old into a nail salon is just about exactly like taking a bull into a china shop, except that she doesn't have the ring in her nose. Yet. That, and the china shop is full of poison. Also, to be noted: Old women, surprisingly enough, don't think it's cute when adorable three year old try to splash around in their chemically-induced-blue pedicure soaking tubs.
So I took her with me last time, and she managed to walk out not only alive, but alive with very cute little pink-that-she-picked-out-herself fingernails with tragically cute little flowers painted on her thumbs. And I managed to walk out with all of my hair. Win, win. And then there was this.
And no, she doesn't know her alphabet, she barely speaks English, she can't wipe her own butt and she thinks that purple is called black. But she's got the "two thumbs" thing down pat. Yes, I am so proud.
Reader Comments (62)
Be careful or you'll create a mani/pedi moster. I don't even tell my seven year old when I'm going anymore b/c she harrasses me about going until I give in.
Yes, I give in. I'm one of those moms.
Awesome video!
You are so brave to take her. Mine just turned 5 and I can barely get a haircut. And thats a quicky-no dry or style cut.
Why do they have to touch everything? Twice.
I can see him hesitate when I say his name, telling him NOT to touch...then watch as his brain overrides that (attempt at) conditioning and touch it anyway.
Nice.
Apropos of nothing: I like pancakes.
With my now legendary commute (110 miles by car, each way) I am lucky I have finger tips left (from sheer boredom), but periodically I get into funk that has me NOT biting for over 3 weeks at a time.
And then I do it again.
I need another hobby to pass the time... any suggestions?
I was watching "Prozac Nation" this weekend and the mother tells her, "stop biting your nails." I was biting my nails at the very same time.
Who are you kidding? You can't wipe your own butt either!
I'm a frequent lurker but first time commenter because OMG I can so relate! I've gotten lots of chuckles out of your posts about the sperm donor and 3 kids! While I'm not a nail biter, I'm also a married single mother AND must somehow take my own 3of3 (3 yr old daughter) to the nail salon with me. We just visited yesterday, in fact, and she was proud of her pink toes and fingers - complete with the little flowers. I think you're living my life - or I'm living yours! Thanks!
I'm cracking up!! I need to teach my kids that. They need a new party trick.
Also, I want pancakes. Thanks a lot!
Are our nails twins? I get the peely, breaky, holey nails too. Even in my current state of knocked-upedness (the only difference now is that they grow faster so there is more time for nail-biting).
You SHOULD be proud. Those are some mad skillz.
That's adorable. How did you not flip out when the rocking chair was about to hit the wall...I obviously need to take lessons.
I took my daughter with us when she was the flower girl in a wedding and she LOVED every minute of it. Not sure how I had such a girly girl.
You already know that I too took a 3-yr-old to the nail salon and got her a pedicure. I was horrified that they charged me $12 for the privilege of putting polish on those itty bitty toes. But it made her happy.
The funniest part of the video for me is the Trumpette socks. Daughter had the EXACT same ones (same color and everything) when she was six months old. Adorable. And, no, they don't quite fit any more.
For your nails: take vitamin E supplements. You're welcome. (I know how much you love a$$vice.)
I know when you see my name come up in your comment notification email, your heart skips a beat in anticipation of the humour and/or sarcasm that is coming, but with a video that cute, I cannot be snarky. Holy crap, I could eat "this guy" with a spoon. And the socks? Way to bury the lead with that one.
I think you should have "picture time" once a week, except that your readers (like me) can ask her questions. I'll go first: what does Mommy REALLY do all day?
(So yeah, I can comment on cuteness and still be an ass.)
That could be arranged....
I LOVE that she has forced those socks on her feet. We really do have no concept of what fits when we are young. It seems like if it goes on at all, it fits.
I guess some adults are like that as well...
My name is Jen, and I'm a nail-biter. (Hi Jen.) The worst is when you've been gnawing on your nails and you don't even realize it, and all of a sudden OUCH you hit the quick, and if you're really lucky it starts to bleed. I've had acrylics in the past which were great, until eventually my oral fixation would take over (whoooowheee that'll get you some good Google hits!) and I'd gnaw on the acrylics until they broke and then I'd have to tear them off which just compounded the problem. And no, I didn't watch the video yet because I'm at the office (yes, on my lunchbreak) and I don't have my earbuds with me. But if your little girl can do the "two thumbs" bit, she's freakin' awesome in my book.
That guy is awesome.
I am the same way with my nails. I have a love/hate relationship with biting them and so I polish them and make them pretty, then they split down the middle and I end up biting them again. I have to have fake nails or no nails at all. Wait. Isn't that a Loverboy song?
Hey I figure I am forking out big bucks for school so I am going to leave things like numbers and the alphabet to the professionals. But really who else is going to teach our kids things like how to throw up the perfect rock hands, how to say Niiiice like Borat or "This Guy"? Us parents that's who!
That kid is awesome. And so ridiculously cute, it's ridiculous! And what's ALMOST as awesome as that cute kid of yours?
THOSE NAILS OF YOURS!! I can't believe you can go from full-on nail-biter to full-on french manicured nails kinda lady! That blows my mind. I have never had those nails that you have right now....I might trip over them if I ever tried....
I am very impressed. You are quite versatile.
cute, cute and cute.
I'm a nail biter, too but you have inspired me. I think.
Adorable, sure. But Casee speaks the sparkly pink truth. She'll be going in for highlights by 5 and waxing by 11. The salon experience is catnip to little girls.
omg omg omg!! SOOOOOOO cute!!!
Oh she's cute! love the yellow socks :)
Whose got two thumbs and a 2 year old saying asking for a rocking chair like 3 of 3? This guy. Man, I love scrubs.
Good for you!
I am seriously gonna quit biting my nails real, real soon.
Once again, btw.
I was a nail biter too! It took a full 10 months of artificial nails to stop. I'm lucky though, my nails grow fast & are super strong... must be all that milk I drink LOL
This guy!!
Love it.
Nice rocking chair. Verrrry classy. I have a blue chair that a neighbor boy broke (brat) that I GLUED together and pounded nails into with a shoe heel. Worked brilliantly!
I'm a nail-biter, too. That is why I had acrylics for so long. I recently decided that I couldn't afford them anymore and amazingly haven't been biting. We'll see how long that lasts, but for now, they look pretty good.
Good luck with that!
This guy says "French Manicure please."
This Guy http://bit.ly/5AvRO
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I had to take my three-year-old with me for a girls' night pedi and said child got to pick out MY nail color. White with green flowers and pink jewels if I recall correctly. And mine's a boy. That may explain his fascination with the princess sprinkles he insisted we use on the cupcakes this weekend. And it may explain why he told me he wants to be a girl when he grows up. *sigh* It could always be worse ;-)
Oh my God, she is adorable.
I am an inconsistent nail biter. I let them grow and then have a great time biting them all. Rinse, lather and repeat.
My 11 yr old daughter had her first manicure last year on holiday in Florida. We couldn't believe how little it cost to get your nails done over there. Unfortunatly it costs a small fortune over here.
This Guy http://bit.ly/gz7J4
Aw... makes me want one. A little girl, not a manicure. Well, on second thought, a manicure is a lot less commitment and easier to keep clean.
Hey, that was a nice thumb on the Mom there, too.
I was certain she was going over backwards in that chair!
I do my own fingernails after my kids have gone to bed and no one is left to talk to me and I stay up way to late waiting for them to dry and then I'm grumpy the next day. But I WILL HAVE FINGERNAILS IF IT KILLS ME DAMMIT.
First comes the manicure, then comes the Dolly Parton dresses, then comes the Miss Cutie Canadian pageant, then comes the lunatic stage mom, then Jr Miss Canada, then Miss Canada, and it goes on and on until one day she asks you to attend therapy with her. And it all comes back to the nails.
Sigh. Girls are dangerous creatures. At least with the boys, you throw some Wolverine claws at them and it really doesn't move past that. Much.
If your blog were SNL, everyone would be saying "this guy" around the water cooler tomorrow. Genius.
too cute...you have a lil card on your hands! :)
Funny, my boobs are "flat like pancakes".
This Guy! That made my day. So freaking cute.
oh. my. god.
she's a GIRL now. she's tall. and, she's funny. omg dude, when did THAT happen??
MY sweet husband looks after our 3 year old critter every fortnight so I can go get my nails done. What an awesome man...I really should be nicer to him ;-)
Growing up I had a friend who ate her hair...I would have much rather been friends with you.
I'm just jealous of the manicure. Period.
I love your blog so much, I had to Tweet on it at Twitter! Loved the video! Peace out!
so, then it was a girls day out!? nice. gotta same i'm disappointed though. i was hoping that you'd go into all the tips and tecqniques that you used to quit biting. i so need that - my nails are hideous.
I've taken my little girl with me the few times I have gone as well.
But, do you read Buy Her Things.com?? I started using the nail stuff that Brittt recommended, and so far, I LOVE it! To be honest, I never got holes in my nails, but these suckers will not grow, and I don't even bite them!
The stuff is called;
Nail Tek II, intensive therapy. Try it. You may like it and it doesn't cost that much at all! I ordered mine from Amazon, but my friend got her at the local Sally Beauty Supply store.
Well, I'm a lifelong, 46 yr old nailbiter.
Where do you think all those bits of nails go in the body? In our intestines, like my mom used to scare me into thinking whenever she'd think she could get me to stop biting them?
I've no idea, really. But ewwww.
I have grown my nails out normal, long even. It was hell. I always went back to biting, as if I were a smoker, giving up my fags, only to have a stressful situation come along, and bammo, back to biting . . .but I never made anyone stink with my habit! And I doubt it causes lung cancer . . .
Lately, I have been using that bitter stuff you paint on your nails, forget the name, but it's in my local grocery store . . .it's clear nailpolish that has a "bite" to it, lol. Works, until I stop using it.
This last time (yes, they're normal looking now, I've stopped biting for 3 months now) I thought, hell, I"m old enough, I'll just use some shopping psychology here. I went to QVC and found the prettiest, fake, "Diamonique" rings. And I bought about 6 of them! They're all diamond solitaire styles, because since I kinda gave up on my expanding belly (peri-menopause sucks) my fingers also got fat, and my newly remodeled wedding bands-made-into-one rockin'-platinum diamond solitaire with channel set smaller diamonds from my anniversary band-- IS TOO SMALL. And can't be sized (of course) due to the channel set small diamonds in the band.
So, being a fixer, yo. I thought, I'll just buy me a new one. But, in a bigger size. And can't wear these pretty little glittery rings if my nails LOOK LIKE HELL. See, there's the psychology for you. So, I bought them, and only started to wear them when my nails grew out.
See, I solved this for you. Buy some pretty rings that you'll never have enough money to buy "real" ones of, and stash them until you grow out your nailies. OH wait, you've got fake nails, right? I did watch the video . . . oh well, then go buy those rings now! I've had so many compliments on the ones I chose, I swear you can't even tell they're cubic zircs.
Love,
Julie
http://tinyurl.com/cy4wcu I love this woman's blog! She just cracks me up!
No fair!!! I want a manicure! Actually, I really need a pedicure. Never had one, but I know I need one. Maybe I'll get one sometime.
Her nails are SO super cute. (as is she)