Wednesday
Apr292009
The Land Of Expectations
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 at 2:39PM | Mr Lady
First things first: The American Idol recap from last night is up at Mamapop. And I was up until 3 am writing it. So I wouldn't cry if you go read it.
Second things second: My son came home from school on Monday with his spelling test. Which he scored 100% on. Every week, they color in their spelling tests and hang them on display in the classroom. This week, the test was a coloring sheet that had the face of a woman on it, and he'd drawn a wart on her nose, spots on her teeth and Frankenstein scars on her neck. He used three tones of crayon and some nice shading techniques and it actually looked pretty good in the end, for a 9 year old.
Stapled to the back of it was a note that said the teacher had a discussion with my son about appropriateness and pride of work and respect and that I should continue this discussion at home, sign the sheet and return it the next day. He handed it to me and said that I HAD to sign it or he'd be in trouble. I read it, I looked at the sheet, I re-read it, I re-looked at the sheet. I had no clue what either one meant, other than that he got 10/10 on his spelling test.
Which is awesome.
So I asked him what this *talk* he had with his teacher was about and he said that is was about him having to get that paper signed or he'd be in trouble. I asked him if they talked about "appropriateness" or "pride in work" and he said no. Then I got mad. The sheet said they did, and he tends to lie, and I didn't feel like doing the '83 degrees of separation from the truth' talk I usually have to with him. And then he started to cry.
Which is not awesome.
I had him tell me everything and the long & short is that he had a substitute, and she had the students color in their spelling tests after they were graded so they could be hung in the room. There was no direction other than Color Them In. So he did. He drew what he saw and what he saw was a crazy old witch with rotten teeth and a scar on her neck.
What. The fuck. Ever.
Apparently, 10 other kids or so also took the creepy old woman route and they all got pulled aside on Monday when the teacher returned and were given these notes to bring home. Because elementary school teachers have nothing better to do than to censor the harmless scribblings of goofball 8 and 9 year old.
So my kid who has struggled all year to merely stay on one task, who has to battle with himself to complete anything in school, my kid who has come from starting the year getting looked at for ADHD and is now wrapping up the year getting 100%'s and finishing all of his work and has finally made some friends, he's crying and I'm kind of pissed because really, this is who he is and it wasn't wrong or dangerous or even disconcerting, just different and I have a very low tolerance for teachers who try to stifle my kid anyways.
So I did what any good parent would do; I told him his teacher was full of shit.
Not entirely true. We sat on the curb outside while the neighborhood kids played and he snuggled into me and I explained Expectations to him. I explained to him that so far, he's had *this* tier of expectations from his teacher, and that now he's nine, he's almost done third grade, he's maturing and now he apparently has a whole new, sub-tier of expectations to meet. Now, it's not just enough that he does the coloring he's asked to do; he needs to know that his teacher expects that coloring to be shiny and happy. Just like it's not enough now that he just washes his laundry; I now expect him to sort colors before he washes them. Just like it's not enough that I take the trash out of the car when daddy says, "Dude, clean your car out already" but that he really means "Dude, get the old milk out, vacuum it, windex the windows already and scrape the motherfucking rotten peach out of the trunk before you grow a penicillin colony back there." And that maybe I won't realize this the first time, but the next time he has to "gently remind me" he'll make sure I know what he means.
I explained to him that sometimes, people create those new sub-tiers of expectations on the fly, and that it's our job to try to recognize those as quickly as we can and work with them as well as we can. Like when 3of3 is wrestling with him and he decides he's done, but she has no idea that suddenly no actually means no. He still expects her to stop, even if it takes her a minute to figure that out.
I explained to him that sometimes it can be really confusing when people, especially people in authority like a teacher or a mom or a spouse or a boss, spring these new sub-tiers on you, but that you have two choices in life....let it get to you or realize that sometimes, people are just dumb and sometimes, the only thing you can do is to nod and smile and waaaaaay back, in the back of your brain where no one else can see it, hidden in a thought bubble, you just have to say, "Whatever, dude" and get on with your day.
And he giggled. Which is awesome.
The next morning we were packing his bag for school and I showed him what I'd written in reply to his teacher. I said, "I had a long talk with 2of3 about expectations and he assures me that he will meet yours in the future." He looked up at me, smiled and said, "You just said whatever in your thought bubble, didn't you?"
I did, indeed son. I sure did.
Second things second: My son came home from school on Monday with his spelling test. Which he scored 100% on. Every week, they color in their spelling tests and hang them on display in the classroom. This week, the test was a coloring sheet that had the face of a woman on it, and he'd drawn a wart on her nose, spots on her teeth and Frankenstein scars on her neck. He used three tones of crayon and some nice shading techniques and it actually looked pretty good in the end, for a 9 year old.
Stapled to the back of it was a note that said the teacher had a discussion with my son about appropriateness and pride of work and respect and that I should continue this discussion at home, sign the sheet and return it the next day. He handed it to me and said that I HAD to sign it or he'd be in trouble. I read it, I looked at the sheet, I re-read it, I re-looked at the sheet. I had no clue what either one meant, other than that he got 10/10 on his spelling test.
Which is awesome.
So I asked him what this *talk* he had with his teacher was about and he said that is was about him having to get that paper signed or he'd be in trouble. I asked him if they talked about "appropriateness" or "pride in work" and he said no. Then I got mad. The sheet said they did, and he tends to lie, and I didn't feel like doing the '83 degrees of separation from the truth' talk I usually have to with him. And then he started to cry.
Which is not awesome.
I had him tell me everything and the long & short is that he had a substitute, and she had the students color in their spelling tests after they were graded so they could be hung in the room. There was no direction other than Color Them In. So he did. He drew what he saw and what he saw was a crazy old witch with rotten teeth and a scar on her neck.
What. The fuck. Ever.
Apparently, 10 other kids or so also took the creepy old woman route and they all got pulled aside on Monday when the teacher returned and were given these notes to bring home. Because elementary school teachers have nothing better to do than to censor the harmless scribblings of goofball 8 and 9 year old.
So my kid who has struggled all year to merely stay on one task, who has to battle with himself to complete anything in school, my kid who has come from starting the year getting looked at for ADHD and is now wrapping up the year getting 100%'s and finishing all of his work and has finally made some friends, he's crying and I'm kind of pissed because really, this is who he is and it wasn't wrong or dangerous or even disconcerting, just different and I have a very low tolerance for teachers who try to stifle my kid anyways.
So I did what any good parent would do; I told him his teacher was full of shit.
Not entirely true. We sat on the curb outside while the neighborhood kids played and he snuggled into me and I explained Expectations to him. I explained to him that so far, he's had *this* tier of expectations from his teacher, and that now he's nine, he's almost done third grade, he's maturing and now he apparently has a whole new, sub-tier of expectations to meet. Now, it's not just enough that he does the coloring he's asked to do; he needs to know that his teacher expects that coloring to be shiny and happy. Just like it's not enough now that he just washes his laundry; I now expect him to sort colors before he washes them. Just like it's not enough that I take the trash out of the car when daddy says, "Dude, clean your car out already" but that he really means "Dude, get the old milk out, vacuum it, windex the windows already and scrape the motherfucking rotten peach out of the trunk before you grow a penicillin colony back there." And that maybe I won't realize this the first time, but the next time he has to "gently remind me" he'll make sure I know what he means.
I explained to him that sometimes, people create those new sub-tiers of expectations on the fly, and that it's our job to try to recognize those as quickly as we can and work with them as well as we can. Like when 3of3 is wrestling with him and he decides he's done, but she has no idea that suddenly no actually means no. He still expects her to stop, even if it takes her a minute to figure that out.
I explained to him that sometimes it can be really confusing when people, especially people in authority like a teacher or a mom or a spouse or a boss, spring these new sub-tiers on you, but that you have two choices in life....let it get to you or realize that sometimes, people are just dumb and sometimes, the only thing you can do is to nod and smile and waaaaaay back, in the back of your brain where no one else can see it, hidden in a thought bubble, you just have to say, "Whatever, dude" and get on with your day.
And he giggled. Which is awesome.
The next morning we were packing his bag for school and I showed him what I'd written in reply to his teacher. I said, "I had a long talk with 2of3 about expectations and he assures me that he will meet yours in the future." He looked up at me, smiled and said, "You just said whatever in your thought bubble, didn't you?"
I did, indeed son. I sure did.
Reader Comments (82)
What an idiotic teacher. This is up there with not letting kids play tag because it's too "competitive". Thank goodness for thought bubbles to keep us sane.
I wouldn't be able to handle such idiocy on the teacher's part. It's good I don't have kids. That I know of.
I'd have been tempted to sign the test with a big happy face and note that said: "TERRIFIC! My son got 100%! I'm so proud!"
Then again, I'd have been tempted to draw a witch too, so maybe I'm not the best example-setter.
Just found you in Okay. Fine. Dammit's blogroll. I'm adding you to my reader.
That teacher has serious issues!!! You are an amazing mom!
It sucks but eventually most of us learn that if you want to get ahead you have to jump through the hoops that other people set up for us. I had quite a few teachers that did this kind of thing to me. I learned quickly to keep my opinion to myself and just "yes, ma'am" my way out of the situation. Saying "what-ever" in my thought bubble would have helped me keep a little more of my sanity.
You are seriously the coolest and smartest mom ever. You totally just gave him (and me, in retelling) some serious insight into stupidity. Thanks!
Bravo...do you offer classes. I too, would have totally had an issue with that letter...YOU however handled it wonderfully with your son. Thank you for that...I'm going to file it away in the front of my brain...just in case I need it...
if I may get off topic...here's my parenting story, I promise to keep it short.
My daughter is all about the drama...go figure. Everything is SOOOOOO horrible...she's always "sick" and "never" get's anything she wants...ok, you get the picture. She is drama in the morning...NOT a morning person, never ever has been...so usually in the moring I deal with soo tire, thinks she sick, doesn't want to go to school...yadda yadda yadda...AFter school...same thing...it was horrible, this or that hurts, she thinks she is sick...yada.
Yesterday she came home complaining about her leg hurting, and a sore thoat. Ok...we had gymnastics on Monday, and the weather went from 80 to 58 overnight...Take some tylenol, and have some orange juice...This morning...drama...in spurts...she tends to get sidetracked when I don't give in completly to the act. She's crying about her throat...I looked at her square in the eyes and said "I just don't know what to believe...are you really sick? How would I know? You complain about something every day...What am I supposed to do? If you are sick, then you need to stay home so I can take care of you...which means you will be spending the day in your bed, drinking lots of fluids, and resting...How do I know if you are really sick or not? When can I tell the difference?"
She looked at me...then went upstairs and got dressed for school...I guess I got my answer.
Love you blog...if I hadn't mentioned that before!!
I used to go into the classroom the next day and lay into the teachers. That didn't do my kid any favors. I think your approach was a lot saner, as mine *would* have been had I been properly medicated at the time (post partum)... but anyway...
You're son sounds like an awesome kid. Great job to his Mom!!
That is a great way of helping him deal with it. I have gone through it with one particular teacher this year for my 12-year old. She once made him write a paragraph and have me sign a paper because he was humming in class. I would understand if he was humming disruptively after she asked him to stop, but it was basically a one strike you're out deal. There have been similar instances since and I have had to come out and tell him that while she's clearly a nutjob, sometimes we just have to deal with it and do what the nutjob wants. Your way was nicer.
Can I please burn this into my brain? I just know I'm going to need to remember the way you explained to your child how the whole game works without calling his teacher an idiot. Why is it that so many "adults" just want to squash all of the spirit out of children?
This gave me a warm fuzzy feeling like I used to get watching Brady Bunch. But your bunch is way way cooler.
But it is so very true. You have to pick your battles.
A-freaking-men.
YOU? Are the mother queen of all mothers. Truly. THAT was the best explanation of a fucked up situation that I've heard.
Thank gawd my employees ... oh, wait... they're saying, "Whatever dude" in the way back of their heads too...
shit.
Am I the only one who was thinking that the punch line would be that it was a picture of the teacher or the principal or someone's mother? And that they were offended or thought it was rude because he had drawn attention to some imperfection in that person and exaggerated it?
This just pisses me off. My mom taught art to fifth graders through high-schoolers for, like, 2000 years and I can tell you she would NEVER have even sent that spelling test home.
It sounds to me like that woman needs to take a break from substitute teaching and treat herself to a day at the dermatologist and the dentist...I'm fairly certain she would benefit more from that personally than from "teaching."
Of course, what you said to him is awesome, but if you ever want a second opinion on The Witch Piece, I'd be happy to send it to dear old mom for a proper critique.
Wow. You just gave me insight into what I am going to be facing when my kids hit the school system. It amazes me that there are such unimaginative, rigid individuals in charge of shaping the minds of tomorrow's adults. Kudos to you for turning it around. Bring on the Frankenstein pictures and true likenesses!!!
Love the blog, btw. Thanks for writing.
Hmmm... I guess sometimes teachers have bad days too (newsflash). I am sorry that she took it out on your son and 10 others. I'd be curious to hear her side of the story. I have to say that you handled that situation with way more grace than I think I would've.
And 100%? Woot! Woot!
I often took the low road and told my kid the teacher was full of shit. When she/he was.
Truly, I got so frustrated with talking to woodpiles in the school system that I decided a little education for the educators was in order. I asked my son to use debate/public speaking as an opportunity to educate the teachers and students about Asperger's Syndrome. It helped, but was for him, too little, too late.
Ha, that's cute. Not about what the teacher did, the story that accompanied it. I hated teachers throughout grade school. They're all just preparing you for the 'adult world'.
Whatever the hell that is.
~Cal
Fucking awesome. Love it.
That was totally awesome. I need to print this for my daughter who has an 8 year old son. Damn you're smart. I would have said something like .... he was being creative and how can that be wrong..
I often struggle with how to approach my and my kid's teachers (conflicting) expectations. I think you did a beautiful job! You can't completely undermine the teacher even if you want to, but you have to let your kid have their own artistic expression.
Way to navigate the waters!
See, now while you were all busy holding hands and singing kumbaya and saying "I'm OK, you're OK", you wasted an opportunity.
Everywhere, in every facet of his life, people are going to put expectations on him. When he meets them, that tells the expector (is so a word... fuck you Firefox spellcheck) that their expectations weren't high enough, so they make it harder next time. It's a vicious cycle where only once he feels inadequate will they stop upping the ante.
Instead, teach him to know the answers, meet the expectations in himself, but let everyone think you failed. Then life is easy, and nobody busts your balls for shit like getting the fucking date wrong on a 200 question math test in the twelfth grade and taking off one mark because "nobody's perfect" so that you feel completely insane because you did the 200 questions inside of an hour and nailed it but you forgot that it was the 15th because really, who fucking knows the date in highschool? I mean, I was lucky to remember to go to class for fuck's sake! And then become paranoid about getting the date right ON EVERYTHING for the rest of his natural born life.
So yeah... good job. Thanks for the anxiety, MOM.
Wait a second. I think you just taught me something.
I am totally going to print this out and study it. My stepson is 11, and has been up against these same issues. He struggles to understand expectations, and his 4th/5th grade teacher (sigh, same guy for two years) is inconsistent and unclear regarding his expectations. Seriously, this discussion you had rocked, and I intend to borrow heavily. Thanks.
Next time I have an infuriating teacher moment I'm e-mailing you. Cause I don't think I handle it quite so well.
That's awesome. Not the teacher, she wasn't awesome at all. My son got in trouble for clapping at school. Several of the kids were clapping their hands in line to go somewhere. The teacher told them to put their hands behind their backs. My son did the only logical thing, he clapped his hands behind his back. I see 'creative problem solving,' the school saw 'subversive behavior.' I have no idea where he could have gotten a subversive streak.
Your thought bubble and written response are way more understanding and tactful than mine have been. Of course that's probably for the better as the atty for the school district here threatened the feds on me for resisting standardized testing. Also, my manifestos on the evils of homework and team tryouts for elementary schools and the benefits of orthopedics for geeky kids didn't go over so well.
FWIW, a kid in my kid's 3rd grade class drew a well-articulated decapitated teacher as a symbol for the classroom's seal - and I doubt that was the most frightening of his behaviors. I'd say an elaborated witchipoo on an infantile color page is worth celebrating as much as the 100% spelling accomplishment. In fact, it's better because anyone can use a dictionary or spell check, but it takes a bright kid to color outside the lines.
Ooooh you are dealing with the same stuff I am...cept FURTHER along..>I will be picking your brain...but really have said the same thing to my 1st grader too.
We are already teaching about factory schooling and 'humouring' teachers to get by...
What a great relationship you have with your son. That is exactly what I strive for with my daughters.
...well, that an a kick-ass thought bubble.
You are awesome. I would have been flummoxed and muttering. Your way was much better. I am going to keep this in mind and call you if I have problems once Son starts kindergarten in the fall (where, apparently, they can expect to start bringing home homework!)
Just wow. That was a damn fine talk you had with your son. He's a lucky guy to have you and that teacher is lucky you didn't kick her in the crotch.
I found your blog on the Blog Roll over at Scary Mom. Awesome! I'm adding you!
SO HELP ME GOD! If EVER a teacher tries to stiffle on of MY sons artistic vision ther WILL be hell to pay. I am very sorry Mr. Lady but What with the incident with the pres of the PTA and the teachers at that school, I would send my kids to another. It seems to me that they have a very ridged way looking at education and as teachers must understand that not everyone thinks the same way or learns the same way or acts the same way. Jerks...
When I was in Kindergarten, we were given a coloring sheet with the goddamn General Lee on it. General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard. The car. The instructions: Color it.
I colored it purple and my teacher held it up and made fun of it in front of the class saying, "Cars aren't purple, are they?" (They weren't in 1981.)
I cried hot tears and still remember it to this day. I probably could have been the next Picasso or something, but she made me feel terrible about myself and my coloring.
That teacher died when I was in my early twenties. I never forgot her. RIP Mrs. Johnson, you creativity supressor you. And yes bitch, cars ARE purple.
Excellent parenting, seriously. I am going to print this out and refer to it when need be.
I used to LOVE those coloring/spelling assignments. How rotten that this teacher ruined it for your son. Like so many of your other commenters, I will try my best to remember your wise lesson in the future, because I know I am the type to go into school and chew out the teacher.
holy crap are you ever calm- I'd have ripped the teacher's face off.
Like you said, there was no harm in his picture- there IS harm in disciplining a child who just got 100% on a spelling test. Maybe I'm gonna come across pretty granola here, but one: I think that the teacher is stifling creativity- there was nothing vulgar, or innappropriate about the picture- and your son wasn't the only one who was sent a note home for the picture. TWO: your son got 100% on a spelling test- shouldn't the focus be on THAT??!!
It just kills me, that we seem to expect so much of our kids, but adults can't seem to wrap their heads around a little bit of positive reinforcement and how beneficial it is!!
Kudos to you, for being able to explain to your son about expectations, while still making it known that you are proud of him.
When The Boy was in 2nd grade his teacher told us she felt he was delayed in his fine motor skills because he could not color inside the lines. She neglected to point out that he had drawn a very detailed race car on the back of the coloring sheet. When questioned, something she NEGLECTED to do, he admitted that he had scribbled on the front so he could draw on the back. The class had been told they could draw whatever they wanted on the back when they finished with their coloring assignment. He colored quickly so he could do what he wanted.
Sometimes teachers need to think outside the box or bright kids will become afraid to use their own imagination. You keep cheering on 2of3 and saying 'whatever' in your thought bubble!
I'll have to remember the bubble thought analogy for Captain Underpants. He's kind of sensitive and lets things get to him. That idea might help him out. Thanks!
Also, congrats to 2of3 on his perfect spelling test. Totally hype that one!
http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2009/04/29/wench/ You HAVE to read this. It is awesome....
Okay, I just read this at 9PM and LOVED it. I totally identified with your story, only I wish I was as good as you at getting the point across to my kids. My third-grade son is supposed to be in bed sleeping, but when he got up I had to share it with him. I want him to get your message too, because he is also just recently very improved in his schoolwork but very sensitive to the slightest negative feedback. I live in fear that we may tumble back into the abyss of incompleted assignments and looming behavioral labels at any moment. And I want to help him build the kind of foundation that will let him grow and find the resources within himself to take all of the shit that life can throw at him and still keep climbing to the top.
You are one of the coolest and best moms I have ever seen. I wanna be like you someday.
That was awesome, dood. I would have had a hard time not just leaving it at "she's trying to stifle you and fit you in a box. Nay! Nay! Shout uproariously to the other students that artistic merit is more important than social niceties!" or something like that.
you're my favorite.
That was something mighty special and powerful. You clued in your son, told him that the teacher was off-base and handled the situation without a confrontation. Kudos....
You are an awesome mom. I probably would have just told his teacher to bite it. I`m pretty sure my sons would have colored something like that, too and really, shouldn`t we be MORE concerned about the kids who do pretty faces only? Where`s the imagination in that?
Reminds me of the story of my friend who went to Catholic school and colored Jesus purple (because she thought it was pretty that way) and got an F on it and was so traumatized she buried her picture in the backyard.
You handled this brilliantly.
You rock as a mom.
I've had this conversation but not nearly as good as you did. He's a lucky boy, that 2of3.
Geez, sounds like Ms. Substitute is a bit paranoid at how she's perceived. To me, she obviously thought the kids were making fun of HER personally with their coloring choices.
And it saddens me to think of all the other kids who got notes home. Did they have a mom who sat them down and set them straight about Ms. Dumbass Substitute and her obvious insecurities? Or were their creative and unique spirits just squashed a little?
You got it right. Good for you. And 2of3.
Again with the parallels! I'm so angry at something my son said came from his teacher I was ready to march into the principal's office and let fly. I'm more calm now and hoping to talk with a few other moms to see if their kids heard it the same way mine did. If so, the principal is getting an earful.
You are a wise and awesome mommy.
I bet that teacher thought that the kids colored pictures of her likeness and was insulted. And then flew off her broom handle.
I think you set the bar for parenting here....and what a great example for your son on how to deal with situations like that. Thanks for posting!