Tuesday
Apr072009
Party
Tuesday, April 7, 2009 at 12:40AM | Mr Lady
You know what happens when you have 14 boys and 4 girls over for an overnight birthday party? Yes, yes you do. Exactly what you think happens, happens.
The popular boy in school, the one with the right hair and the athletic abilities? He spends the whole night beating your three year old girl off of him with a stick. You spend the whole night weeping for your future. The chubby boy eats himself sick. Literally. You spend the entire night in the bathroom with him and his parents on speed-dial. The shy boy sits on the edge of the corner of the couch silently all night until you go to put I Robot on and he starts crying because, it turns out, he's pretty sure he's not allowed to watch it but everyone else wants to and he quite honestly wants to and he just doesn't know what to do. You spend the whole night rallying the other boys into a "protect the quiet kid and pick a new movie!" war cry. (Which succeeds brilliantly, by the way.) The two class clowns put on the toddler's size 4 foam jousting outfits, grab her foam jousting swords, and duel to the death. You spend the whole night screaming, "Above the belt! Below the nose!" The rest of the boys spend the entire night practicing up on their Greco-Roman Wrestling and you spend the entire night waiting for the scream.
The scream comes. And I quote:
"My crystals! My precious crystals!"
That's one less boy you're going to have to worry about your daughter going out on a date with.
The four girls, the sisters of the guests, they sit on your couch and play Webkinz.com and then puppy-dog eye you into renting Twilight for them on demand, even though you refuse to go there, and so you order it but it fails in every way to play. You spend the rest of the night thanking god for small favours. Your lose your camera but find your video camera, so you record the 20-some tweens singing happy birthday and then hand the camera off to your 11 year old who then video-tapes all of his friends. He interviews them, he tapes you, he giggles and squees and you smile because GOD this is going to be cute on film. The whole group spontaneously bursts into a hearty rendition of O Canada, which is kind of weird, but whatever, and you thank god you thought to bring that video camera out.
And then you watch your video later.
And realize neither you nor your son had remembered to hit un-pause.
So you're left with no pictures, a basement that smells like dear lord in heaven, ears that are ringing because it was very in all caps with a period after each letter loud, a Dorito-filled carpet and two boys who have declared the day the Best Birthday Ever.
The End.
The popular boy in school, the one with the right hair and the athletic abilities? He spends the whole night beating your three year old girl off of him with a stick. You spend the whole night weeping for your future. The chubby boy eats himself sick. Literally. You spend the entire night in the bathroom with him and his parents on speed-dial. The shy boy sits on the edge of the corner of the couch silently all night until you go to put I Robot on and he starts crying because, it turns out, he's pretty sure he's not allowed to watch it but everyone else wants to and he quite honestly wants to and he just doesn't know what to do. You spend the whole night rallying the other boys into a "protect the quiet kid and pick a new movie!" war cry. (Which succeeds brilliantly, by the way.) The two class clowns put on the toddler's size 4 foam jousting outfits, grab her foam jousting swords, and duel to the death. You spend the whole night screaming, "Above the belt! Below the nose!" The rest of the boys spend the entire night practicing up on their Greco-Roman Wrestling and you spend the entire night waiting for the scream.
The scream comes. And I quote:
"My crystals! My precious crystals!"
That's one less boy you're going to have to worry about your daughter going out on a date with.
The four girls, the sisters of the guests, they sit on your couch and play Webkinz.com and then puppy-dog eye you into renting Twilight for them on demand, even though you refuse to go there, and so you order it but it fails in every way to play. You spend the rest of the night thanking god for small favours. Your lose your camera but find your video camera, so you record the 20-some tweens singing happy birthday and then hand the camera off to your 11 year old who then video-tapes all of his friends. He interviews them, he tapes you, he giggles and squees and you smile because GOD this is going to be cute on film. The whole group spontaneously bursts into a hearty rendition of O Canada, which is kind of weird, but whatever, and you thank god you thought to bring that video camera out.
And then you watch your video later.
And realize neither you nor your son had remembered to hit un-pause.
So you're left with no pictures, a basement that smells like dear lord in heaven, ears that are ringing because it was very in all caps with a period after each letter loud, a Dorito-filled carpet and two boys who have declared the day the Best Birthday Ever.
The End.
Reader Comments (60)
I heard Dear Lord in Heaven smells like popcorn.
Does it?
(yay to an awesome party and double yay for Twillight not working!)
Awwww, despite any evidence it sounds like it was a really great birthday party. I swear, I can't have boys, I don't think I could handle a mostly all-boy slumber party.
Sounds like a roaring sucess.
Ugh, *success.
And no, apparently I cannot leave my typos alone.
[and then just made an approximately one typo per word in this comment. heh]
When this showed up in my Reader, it only showed the first few lines, as usual.
This happens to be where it cut off:
"He spends the whole night beating your three year old"
My eyes bugged out and I got this mental image of some 11-year-old Fonzie whaling on your toddler for hours at a time.
Result.
They say smell is the sense with the strongest tie to memory. Therefore, you don't need photos or videos.
Best Birthday Ever. I will not stop the festivities until someone utters that phrase. I'm relentless like that.
Well, the camera thing sucks, but I guess that's how they used to do it in the olden days...Glad it was fun!
You should really go into the pre-teen party planning business. Sounds like a total success (with the video FAIL exception).
That sounds WAY too familiar! At least there's no broken bones, right? All windows and doors are intact?
A successful party. Glad they all had fun!
I found myself reading this faster and faster...got a little stressed out myself there.
And then, the most important part, which you forgot, is that YOU win a trophy. Granted it's a trophy built of one lonely slightly dirty unclaimed sock and a bucket of Dorito crumbs, glued together with melted puddles of ice cream. But, DAMN! it looks just like the birthday boys' smiling faces!
I shot coffee at the nose at "My Crystals".. bhahaha
HUGE success.. :)
I really want you to see the Twilight movie. with me, in pajamas, while drinking tequila, someday. It's so bad, you would laugh your ass off.
Um, and also? HAPPY BIRTHDAY Boys!!!! I yud them.
The birthday party sounds like it was a smashing success, save the no pictures part and a basement that reeks LOL! At least nobody got PREGNANT and hey, isn't that what every parent strives for? I'm being weird today, you have to excuse me. I have preggers on the brain and no I'm not, and none of my kids are, so where that came from I don't know. That always seems to happen at parties I used to go to as a teen. Somebody ended up preggers.
Anywho...you have got to watch Twilight. I've seen it 63 times so far. I watch it daily. I'm obsessed. You and Molly G can come hang at my place and bring the tequila. I'll supply the chocolate and a couch to sink into and we can get drunk and eat chocolate and wish our mates would just sparkle too...
I've been to that party! Tween boys are fantastic.
Congratulations on surviving the melee.
What a great time! You so have to be a hero for that one!
I'm exhausted just reading that. Talk about weeping for my future...
You are an awesome mom of the highest order!!
You are a goddess among party hostesses.
And the best part? It's over. Now you just have to move...
We had one slumber party when my daughter was in 2nd grade. You are a braver (or much more insane) mom that I, because that one party? Was enough.
Hoy! The energy! You just reminded me of the days when my brother and his ragtag group of friends would pile into the basement, don capes, a play recklessly for hours. I miss the sound of that.
O, Canada? What the hell?
I could have been that boy, I had the hair.
Damn these flat feet.
Country-Fried Daddy and I are currently battling over plans for Miss D.'s third birthday. He thinks it is getting out of control. He has no idea how out of control it's going to get as the girls get older. This? This is the easy part.
And I love that they sang O, Canada.
Ugh. The camera. Such an awful feeling. Luckily it sounds like the party itself will supply lasting memories.
(scent is powerful like that)
Great job, consensus coolest Mom in the neighborhood; maybe even the whole town.
My precious crystals? Was that the rich kid?
I am sad I missed that! Sounds like .......................................fun hehehehehe
That fucking rocks. Minus the part about the video not recording.
ahahahaha! best birthday ever and Im sure best mom ever. Congratulations!
Aww. That sounds like it was great.
Sounds like a way excellent party.
Way to go!! You are definitely the winner and deserve a weekday nap!
Crystals. My youngest calls them his tenders. Now I can't order a kids chicken meal without snickering.
You have officially lost your ever-loving mind. I could barely handle 16 ten year olds who were here for 2.365 hours. Not that I was counting.
Seriously dying over here! SERIOUSLY (from all the laughter)
The O Canada?
Made me really glad I was JUST about to start sipping my coffee, so I could let the 1/2 teaspoon go back in the cup, rather than ending up with a bunch of coffee on my computer.
For reals. :P
I'm sorry, I didn't catch one very important bit of information. You invited 14 boys and 4 girls? To an enclosed space? That you're hoping to keep and continue to live in? And you were neither drunk or being treated for a serious psychiatric disorder at the time?
Interesting.
hehehe ok i am so going to slow time down so i dont have to have those. it will work. right. she is only 7. (Ha and 7yr old was asking me to rent twilight ondemand. yeah that'll happen.. at your dads haha)
woo hoo...rally cries....and I'm exhausted for ya!! Truly!
And no one woke you up to call Mommy to come pick him up? You win!
"dear lord in heaven" = candy + butt
Or so I'm told.
Oh God. You actually kinda made me want to be there.
How did you do that??
Oh yeah I know how....it's that Mr. Lady thing you got going on.
What a mama.
I feel your pain.
You are a better woman than I am!
you? are a very brave woman.
I cannot wait untill my kids are that age. It sounds so fun.