;)
Friday
May152009
It's Almost Like Being A Girl
Friday, May 15, 2009 at 5:07AM
I wore boxers until I was 21. My top secret hair styling technique was to shower before bed, sleep on it, then pull it up in the morning. I wore men's Levi's. And suspenders. And wife beaters. Still do that one, actually. I only drink beer I can't see through. I didn't own more than two pairs of panties until someone forced me to buy some a year ago. I only own 5 pairs of shoes. I like the hair on my forearms.
"Girl" has never been my strong suit.
Now, everyone has their thing that they do that is tragically stereotypical, like me with my secret purse obsession and the metric shit-ton of stuff I need to get ready in the afternoon morning. Seriously, I jsut went to LA last month, for two days, and the stuff I had to pack into clear Ziplocks so security guards could gauge my levels of testosterone and vanity included, but was not limited to,
For two days. Besides that, though, I'm really lousy at the girl thing. I bite my nails until they're unrecognizable, I sleep in whatever I was wearing after 7 pm, I brush my hair at best every third day, I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs and at home, I don't actually use 1/3 of the stuff in that list up there.
All of my clothes are denim or black. My underwear doesn't come close to matching. I have one pair of heels, I don't own a skirt, I have no nail polish and I carry a men's wallet. And I like it. I like things that are practical. I drive my husband insane.
He's been up my ass for years to be more feminine. He's sent me to the mall and just said, "Spend whatever you need to make it happen." I usually grab a hoodie and come home. He's shoved me into the MAC store even though I don't like hot blue eyeshadow anymore and I weigh significantly more than 80 pounds. He buys me gorgeous sweaters every Christmas that I shrink in the dryer and he's started forcing me to buy tailored coats that he thinks I'll get dry cleaned some year. Every year at Christmas, I ask for a vacuum or a new grill or a sewing machine and the poor guy buys those things and feels like utter shit because he just bought his wife an appliance for Christmas. It doesn't matter how much I like it; he just wanted to give me some bubble bath stuff and maybe a gift certificate for a manicure. Because he was pretty sure that 11 years ago, that person he stood in black patent leather shoes in the blistering heat for and signed over his life to contained estrogen.
And then a few years ago, someone gave me a pink shirt. And I didn't totally hate it. And then someone took me to work with her and taught me everything I needed to know about makeup. And then a short while after, someone gave me a daughter. And I gave her a pink shirt, too. And then she discovered my makeup And now my life is a pepto-bismal covered glitter bomb, and I don't totally hate it.
I even bought pink Crocs. Fuzzy pink Crocs. Mmmmm.
I am totally turning into a chick. I have different shades of eyeshadow for different occasions and dresses and three different coats for the winter and everything. I still don't brush my hair ever, but whatever. A few months ago, I started having rolling panic attacks and by rolling I mean, 'every ten minutes, lasting 9 minutes and 15 seconds each' and after a few days of that, I swallowed a few of those anti-anxiety pills and within 10 minutes, the panic attacks were over and within 2 days, so was the nail biting. My nails actually grew out so long that they started to break, and so I had to go Get. Them. Done.
The Donor did a little happy dance of joy that day, yes he did.
This girl thing is carrying over into other parts of my life as well. You should see my garden right now. As in, I planted a shitload of flowers and plants and coordinated what and where to ensure perpetual bloomage all year long. There are cut flowers on my desk. I have lemongrass candles going in my room right now. I found a women's wallet that ohmygod I want so bad. Yes, it's still my standard brown leather, but it's made for girls, with spots for all the credit cards I don't have and the check book I don't own. It's $90, so there's no way in hell I'm buying it, but still. I liked it.
And I just discovered Zappos, so it was nice knowing you.
And then there are these.
But these fall into the category of things people sent me that I didn't pay for and so I don't talk about them on this blog. I do, however, talk about them at great length on this blog. Because dear lord, talk about your awesomely chic.
"Girl" has never been my strong suit.
Now, everyone has their thing that they do that is tragically stereotypical, like me with my secret purse obsession and the metric shit-ton of stuff I need to get ready in the afternoon morning. Seriously, I jsut went to LA last month, for two days, and the stuff I had to pack into clear Ziplocks so security guards could gauge my levels of testosterone and vanity included, but was not limited to,
- Eye serum: wrinkle serum; oil free moisturizer; foundation; eye and cheek makeup; 6 different brushes to apply said makeup; q tips; noxema; color-saver shampoo; color-saver conditioner (I woke up grey one morning, shut up); hair silk; hair paste; cocoa butter; hand lotion; chap stick; lip gloss; lip stick; deodorant; super strong deodorant; perfume.
For two days. Besides that, though, I'm really lousy at the girl thing. I bite my nails until they're unrecognizable, I sleep in whatever I was wearing after 7 pm, I brush my hair at best every third day, I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs and at home, I don't actually use 1/3 of the stuff in that list up there.
All of my clothes are denim or black. My underwear doesn't come close to matching. I have one pair of heels, I don't own a skirt, I have no nail polish and I carry a men's wallet. And I like it. I like things that are practical. I drive my husband insane.
He's been up my ass for years to be more feminine. He's sent me to the mall and just said, "Spend whatever you need to make it happen." I usually grab a hoodie and come home. He's shoved me into the MAC store even though I don't like hot blue eyeshadow anymore and I weigh significantly more than 80 pounds. He buys me gorgeous sweaters every Christmas that I shrink in the dryer and he's started forcing me to buy tailored coats that he thinks I'll get dry cleaned some year. Every year at Christmas, I ask for a vacuum or a new grill or a sewing machine and the poor guy buys those things and feels like utter shit because he just bought his wife an appliance for Christmas. It doesn't matter how much I like it; he just wanted to give me some bubble bath stuff and maybe a gift certificate for a manicure. Because he was pretty sure that 11 years ago, that person he stood in black patent leather shoes in the blistering heat for and signed over his life to contained estrogen.
And then a few years ago, someone gave me a pink shirt. And I didn't totally hate it. And then someone took me to work with her and taught me everything I needed to know about makeup. And then a short while after, someone gave me a daughter. And I gave her a pink shirt, too. And then she discovered my makeup And now my life is a pepto-bismal covered glitter bomb, and I don't totally hate it.
I even bought pink Crocs. Fuzzy pink Crocs. Mmmmm.
I am totally turning into a chick. I have different shades of eyeshadow for different occasions and dresses and three different coats for the winter and everything. I still don't brush my hair ever, but whatever. A few months ago, I started having rolling panic attacks and by rolling I mean, 'every ten minutes, lasting 9 minutes and 15 seconds each' and after a few days of that, I swallowed a few of those anti-anxiety pills and within 10 minutes, the panic attacks were over and within 2 days, so was the nail biting. My nails actually grew out so long that they started to break, and so I had to go Get. Them. Done.
The Donor did a little happy dance of joy that day, yes he did.
This girl thing is carrying over into other parts of my life as well. You should see my garden right now. As in, I planted a shitload of flowers and plants and coordinated what and where to ensure perpetual bloomage all year long. There are cut flowers on my desk. I have lemongrass candles going in my room right now. I found a women's wallet that ohmygod I want so bad. Yes, it's still my standard brown leather, but it's made for girls, with spots for all the credit cards I don't have and the check book I don't own. It's $90, so there's no way in hell I'm buying it, but still. I liked it.
And I just discovered Zappos, so it was nice knowing you.
And then there are these.
But these fall into the category of things people sent me that I didn't pay for and so I don't talk about them on this blog. I do, however, talk about them at great length on this blog. Because dear lord, talk about your awesomely chic.
Reader Comments (52)
Wait, you're not meant to like the hair on your forearms?
I almost like you being a girl too.
I totally didn't think you were literally talking about a garden with that sentence!
I like how you've evolved.
Except for the Crocs.
I mean, really: crocs?
C:
I think I'm still being laughed at for having a girl. I knew everything about everything when it came to sports and nothing about being a girl. Now - I wear pink, I even buy tennis shoes to play sports which have pink accents. What. the. hell. happened to me?!?!?
Oh dear - this could be my future (eeeek). Now that I have a little girl Geekling, I am a bit terrified of the girly, I admit. I am not a girly girl by any stretch and quite vehemently rejected pink at about age 8 (being a freckly red head - it's not my colour anyway). I wear no makeup, don't have a regular hairdresser, shave only when absolutely necessary, haven't worn high heels since trying on my mom's when I was little, own very few skirts and have one or two formal dresses that no longer fit. I reluctantly donned a wedding gown (as opposed to a simpler dress) as hubby TWN was eager to wear tails and I couldn't be shown up could I?
I'm going to have to call in professional help (i.e. the shoe loving fashionista sister-in-law) should Geekling turn out to be a girly girl.
I consider myself to be not so girly but damn girl! I'm glad your daughter brought some pink to your life!
I can't relate, GIRL, but I love those earrings!
I own around 50 pairs of shoes. I go to Payless so I can afford my habit (sort of), but still, it's kind of crazy.
I'm a dude, but I think soft pink's my favorite color (don't tell).
Tell the Donor to not be so sad about the appliances....a short story for you...
Every year for holidays (mother's day, x-mas etc..) my dad and his bestie go shopping for their wives...bestie buys girlie stuff...my dad's recent purchase include: wheel-barrow, rake, rototiller...yep my mom got a rototiller for mother's day...and was totally stoked.
Hey in that photo of your hand with the gems on it... I notices a little nail showing... perhaps even a french-manicured thumb nail????
You show us YOURS and we will show your OURS...
great. thanks, hon. i am SO a charm girl - you've not seen my livingroom ... there's, at last count.... 5 jade ones scattered throughout the house, and that doesn't count the crystals, of which there are 8 all over the place.
now i have something ELSE to go lookit. and buy.
You trying to say that men are crappy gardeners?
That's all fine and dandy. Just don't ever get rid of your "Bad Motherfucker" wallet.
I would've thought your husband would be thrilled about your low level of maintenance, no? Those necklaces are pretty...
It's Almost Like Being A Girl http://bit.ly/18lmZM
And here until halfway through I was going to nominate you for "What not to wear"
:)
seriously. for reals. jeans and a t-shirt. flip flops. i have like 9 pairs of flip flops. different keen shoes, simple. a pair of high, chunky sandals that hurt my feet. i hear ya, sistah.
Zappos totally rocks. Look what my latest and greatest breakup has forced me to acquire. They should be waiting for me when I get home. It's fun here on the dark, er, girl side.
http://www.zappos.com/n/p/p/7550254/c/3.html
LOL I would never have said that about you... glad you're becoming a girl... finally :)
Out of desperation, I threw on a pair of my husband's boxer briefs under a skirt last year. Now I love it. It helps my thighs not rub together.
It's funny how that whole girly thing just sneaks up on you in adulthood, huh? I had an "ABSOLUTELY NO PINK CLOTHES" rule once upon a time. And it kind of somewhat included most red and purple, too, just b/c they are sneaky and are such close friends of pink.
And you know what? I look fuckin good in those shades. I was such a dumbass.
;-)
Oh geez dude. Now you got me feeling all like shit or something with how ungirly I AM! If I meet you in July and you are wearing heels and a dress, I might just have to turn and walk away. The only thing that will save our meeting is if your hair isn't brushed. I'm warning you.
:-)
I'm getting more girly in my old age, too. In high school, I would not be caught DEAD in pink. But now, I think I look rather hot in it. Not as hot as you, I'm sure. Sweet free stuff, too!
OMG this is so me. I was a tomboy all my life until I had a daughter. Then she dragged me, kicking and screaming into "girly hood".
She's even making me wear a DRESS to her grad.
GAD.
Suspenders and wifebeaters on ladies are a huge, huge turnon. Just sayin.
Happy Blog Hopping!
Sigh ... I've never been a girly girl. I'm in my forties and I've yet to wear eye shadow although I do wear mascara. If I get a chance to meet you at BlogHer maybe you can give me a chick lesson. Do we have to wear girl clothes for BlogHer?
Ooooooooooo shiney pretties!!
I just may have to get me on to dangle from my rear view mirror!
Sigh. Like I wasn't in love before.
I LOVE ZAPPOS! Mt Man and I bought our best lady and man sandles from there for the wedding....got to love cheap shoes...i am a tom boy at heart, but I have this seceret accessory fetish....go on be girly!:)
I've never been a frou-frou either, but on occasion I will go all girly and scare everyone.
Bloghoppers!
i loves ya more now ;-=)
I was super ungirly. flops. jeans. tanks etc.. hair in pony.
then, I had a girl.
ooooooooo. pink and makeup and bras (underwear blah)
I still own 2 pairs of heels ;-)
and I love ya more.
Ms. Cellaneous
You haz been sober blawg hopped and I miss ya.
LOVE Charlie on PA's comment bout the crocs - HA HA! (Did you hear Nelson Munce just then? I did.)
I have a written post that I've never published about how I'm not "that kind of girl". Haven't hit publish simply cuz I've become so damn SAPPY lately. WTF is happening to me?!?!?
Happy blog hopping!
i just think its awesome you let your husband get up your ass and you don't complain too much. But hey thats just me.
Way to beat down those cannibals. Wrap 'em in pink, roll 'em in glitter and it gets them every time.
I was swathed in pink as a kid in the eighties. I rejected it whole-heartedly as a teen. I tried a little bit in my twenties, but it didn't fly. Now . . . I have a baby girl-after-boy who wears her brother's hand-me-downs, but sometimes people buy her new things. And they are pink. And I like them. For her.
But I draw the line at giant pink plastic Disney princess crap.
I had something legitimately related to this post originally, but then your blog went on vacation, and now I'm drunk.
But I'm glad your blog crawled home. Hope it's not pregnant!
Welcome back, blog. How was your night on the town? How many times do we have to have this conversation. Your curfew is 10pm. Is that so difficult to understand? That's it, no more bloghopping for you.
Whoop, so nice to meet someone else who doesn't care about all the latest girly fashions! I have some pink, but it's probably the wrong shade of pink, ya know?
:)
I've always been "girly girly". I DO LOVE ME SOME MAC makeup. But maybe it's cause my BFF works there and scores me FREE MAKEUP all the time!
It's nice to match a face with a name!
Happy Bloghoppin' :)
I used to own a pair of heels but after a little trip and fall in Vancouver last year, I decided that they would be going so now the only 'heels' i own are my boots. Though I do have a shocking three(3!) little black dresses. Though in reality I'm pretty convinced that its the same dress just with 3 different sleeve styles....
I can do 'girly' if I have to...but prefer not.
THAT is why God gave me boys. (Although one has 'froggy-colored' nail polish on and the other has 'ducky colored'. Heh.)
Now watch me have a girl...dammit.
I love you in any capacity. I just love YOU!
I hate gender-identification. You should like what you like, and no one, not even the donor, should question you for that.
You are who you are (and you were mostly that person when you were married) and that's that.
Love your blog, it's one of my NEVER MISS blogs. ;-)
r u serious bout the anti anxiety pills getting you to stop chewing your nails??? i need some of THAT!
I get it. I'm feelin' ya on the boy gear; my purse is an old army satchel...
But dear god, wtf is up with the charms? No. Don't do it.
3of3 can rock that shit.
i KNEW the amber alert for the blog would work!
anyhow, i saved last nite's comment for when the blog finally came wandering home:
dude. boxer briefs FTW!
#bloghoppers
p.s. i still violently dislike pink but am glad to know that other folks eventually get to like/tolerate it.
Good grief, I totally could have written this post. I still feel like I am struggling at feminity like an awkward pre-pubescent girl but at least I'm trying. I have no idea *how* to do it, but I'm feeling a strange urge to at least try. I even have gone so far as to take Hair,Skin,Nail vitamins and holy crap, I have paintable nails! Still no clue about makeup and the last time I saw a hairdresser was November when I chopped off 10" to donate to Locks of Love.
I had one of those girl children too who doused my life in pink so I figure it might be worth trying. Maybe we can learn together, her and I.
LOVE those charms!
I have no idea why I didn't know you had that other blog!!!!! But I commented over there instead of here. Sorry!
Where can I find a gal like u used 2b? Minus the cigarettes.