;)
Saturday
May022009
In The Springtime of His Voodoo
I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met him.It was winter and I was 20. It was his first day at some terrible restaurant that I'd been working at for a year or two. He was in the solarium going over new hire paperwork or something when I walked in the room. There were at least 10 other people in that room, but I can't remember even one of them. At that moment, he was the only person on the planet. I remember the shirt he was wearing, the necklace he had on and which side his hair parted to. I walked into the room, my uterus lept of of me and lunged at him, I rolled that bitch up, shoved her back in and kept walking right out of the room.
I don't know that he even saw me that day. I don't know that he knew my name for months after that, but that was the day I knew that someday, I was going to be a mother. Not kidding.
It was spring and I was 21 when I first properly met him. He was enchanting. He was smarter than anyone I'd ever met, funny, so very very drunk, and he loved his momma. He'd been an architecture major and I'd been a mechanical engineering major. In a high school. Whatever; it counts in my world. He liked punk and I liked rock. He drank Newcastle and I drank Tuaca. He was a competitive swimmer with a body like a rock and I was an anorexic with a body like a bendy straw. He had a girlfriend and I had a fiance. So that was that.
Until the day came when I didn't have a fiance anymore and he didn't have a girlfriend anymore.
Turns out, my pheromones agreed with his pheromones and I was more or less pregnant at first sight. What can I say? The man makes eggs shoot out of me. Our reproductive systems realized they were in love way before the rest of us did, and before we knew it we'd made this:
It also turned out that golf is the best fertility drug ever manufactured by The Scottish and twice following this:
We ended up with this and this.
We had many, many years when the only thing we managed to do right was make babies. We had a lot of tears and a lot of hurt and a lot of misery but in the end, we knew that we did one thing absolutely flawlessly. We didn't mean to have any of these kids, we didn't mean to get married, we didn't mean to meet, we didn't mean to live in Colorado, we didn't mean to do almost everything we've done since 1995 but we did it all and we made it work and even when it was abysmal, we had this thing, this one amazingly beautiful aspect to our lives together.
We made this. Together. Just the two of us. By accident. Those three people make me believe in fate. They make me think that maybe he chose me, and they chose us, that maybe it wasn't an accident but that we were supposed to have them, that we needed them, that they were a gift the likes of which we didn't deserve and never expected.
And today we ended the whole thing.
Today we woke up with the possibility of another perfectly beautiful surprise. We woke up with the possibility of more toes to nibble and more necks to sniff and more fingers to count. We woke up with the possibility of being parents again.
Tonight we go to sleep knowing that we will never again hold a flashlight to my stomach so a baby will grab at the light from the inside. We'll go to sleep knowing that we'll never walk our fingers across my stomach while a baby punches our fingertips. We know that we'll never crank up The Sex Pistols into a pair of headphones, wrap them around my stomach, and teach a baby that Sid Vicious means ni-night time. (Totally worked, by the way, and no one had to listen to Mozart for 3/4 of a year.) Tonight we know we'll never watch another VHS tape with a video of a needle going into my uterus and a little baby girl's hand reaching out to grab it in the darkness. Tonight we know that we will never again hold a 7 pound person covered in blood and goop who looks like a feral lizard and smells like, well, blood and goop and feral lizards and think that we're seeing pure, unadulterated, heavenly beauty. Tonight we know that there will be no more first smiles or steps or hugs or words or boo boos or spaghetti dinners. Tonight we go to bed knowing that we laid that boy, who cast a spell on me 14 years ago, out on a table, did really awful things to his brother Darrell and his other brother Darrell and forced-quit the greatest thing we've ever done, the thing that spring and chemistry and destiny made sure that we would do.
So this is how fertility dies....with frozen peas.
tagged 
The Donor, birth control | in An actual post about parenting, Biography, love and marriage | Permalink
The Donor, birth control | in An actual post about parenting, Biography, love and marriage | Permalink 
Reader Comments (80)
"forced-quit"
brilliant line.
I remember that night... :(
Tubes can be untied you know?
Mr F decided last month that four was absolutely, positively ENOUGH. And I agreed. Well, kinda. So he did it. Sigh.
He didn't cry - but I did. A lot.
I'm sobbing again, you bitch.
In The Springtime of His Voodoo: I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met him. It was winter and.. http://tinyurl.com/dz42pp
Geez, girlfriend, beautiful tribute to the end of an era.
Please accept my condolences on the passing of your husband's fertile baby batter. I know it was a hard decision for you.
I'm so, so sorry. No matter if you agreed to it or not, the reality of it is breath-stealing.
I've got that song stuck in my head now.....
Oh my gosh. I haven't read your blog before, but you are amazing. My stomach hurts because I've been reading your blog all morning and have laughed so much. You are pretty much a rockstar.
I am sorry about the Vasectomy. That can't be easy!
We did that to my husband, and while I agreed to it, encouraged it, I hate that the result is so final. We'll never have an oops that will be the best surprise of our lives, and as you so eloquently put it, no more baby firsts.
I'm doing my best to look forward, to all the big kid firsts, all the family firsts we're going to have.
In The Springtime of His Voodoo http://bit.ly/c16rC
Sometimes I think I might accidentally have four kids. I'm still in the headspace where the idea of permanent birth control makes my chest seize up a little. WHICH IS BIZARRE cause my husband sure as hell doesn't want any more kids.
But I totally don't want to be one of those ladies who's all "tee hee DS doesn't know but we're gonna have seventeen more."
Life is weird.
In The Springtime of His Voodoo http://bit.ly/FTzdy
In The Springtime of His Voodoo http://bit.ly/pXEGm
Beautiful post.
And major props for the Tori reference in the title.
Holy shit, I thought for a minute you had filed for divorce. Whew. Vasectomy seems pretty tame after that. My husband was still working for the IRS when he had his done. He told the doctor, "You finally got an IRS guy right where you want him." It's probably not a good idea to make the doctor laugh in the middle of a snip-job.
Baby~ In The Springtime of His Voodoo http://bit.ly/pRW7i
yep, we ended it with one...one precious miracle that we never thought we would have but do...great post. Now opens new paths to new oppertunities and things you two can do "right", and not to scare you, but just when you have real regrets they say graendchildren come along, and well you don't have to be the bad guy there! :)
i don't think i have ever read anything quite so moving about a surgical procedure.
i am speechless.
I read your blog, I actually have it in my favorites and click on it daily to see if you post anything new. (I know kinda stalker-ish) I LOVE your take on life and the way you just expressed your love for your husband and children made my heart melt.
My husband and I have 2 boys and I hope that one day I will be able to vocalize my love for them as wonderfully as you just did.
Hmm, that was lovely but you know what?
It's playtime!! You know it's like someone will be saying olly-olly oxenfree to you both...no more calendar checking/condom anxiety/IUDs/or post coital anxiety. WooHoo!
Recess has begun!
Daver's getting a vasectomy soon and yeah, it hurts me. It will flay me when it happens, so I'll have to mask my pain with lots of whiskey and a Happy Vasectomy party. It's only fair, after all.
That was, by far, the BEST ode to a vasectomy I've ever read!
I hope you're truly at peace with the decision. I won't pretend that I know how hard it would be because I am still REALLYnot ready to go down that path yet.
*hugs*
Bye bye, little sailors. How it all goes swimmingly.
Wow. Your writing continues to inspire.
@FiveStarFriday http://tinyurl.com/d8ndxu
Aw, but you did it so well those three times! Nothing can take that away from you! (Oh... and just remember to throw out that bag of frozen peas when he's, um, done with them.)
Our fertility died with a very sore right shoulder and a scar in my belly button. It's sad and exhilarating all at the same time.
I'm sorry. I think I understand, maybe a bit. We became parents by accident. And we got married. And somehow, with this man and with that baby (now: babies) and through this motherhood, I found myself. It's hard to keep moving past that. Anyway. I'm sorry.
You do know that an oops could still happen, right? I heard it takes about a year before things are....final. Wouldn't that be rich?? (please do not punch me.)
Beautiful post, Mr. Lady. I will be mourning that day too.
Truly, very inspiring "The Vasectomy" story. My uterus almost leapt up to stop him! Sympathy uterine yearnings . . . wow, did I just type "uterine yearnings"?
I had that, what you described, in a person of the opposite sex. I was 17, and he was 18, and it was absolutely stupendous, this yearning. The desire. I almost couldn't function, day to day, with the wanting of this person. But, despite all the uterine yearnings for this guy, his sperm did not meet my egg. We even had sex for 4 straight days in a row, sometimes 2-3 times per day, that last week we were together, before we separated in June of 1982, for what seems like now, forever. I will NEVER FORGET THIS FEELING.
That's why I can relate to your post.
But . . . I ended up not married to this guy, and to the one I"m with, I knew when I had my first son, that if we were to have another kid, it would be *my* last. And to that knowledge, I went to my ob/gyn at the time, scheduling my C-Section for #2 baby, and signed the paperwork to have myself "fixed" while cut open on the table delivering #2 (and last). I knew that I probably wouldn't want more kids with anyone at that point (baby #1 was a toughie for me) and I could not ask my husband to say "no more kids forever". So, I closed the book on my having anymore kids. I felt it was fair. BECAUSE I KNEW. And I didn't know if my husband knew. He could always find himself at mid-life, throwing me out with the bathwater, finding that lady half his life younger than him and starting all over.
Because men seem to do that these days.
I'm relieved you won't have an "oops" baby, because you really don't want to be 65 and having your youngest just get out of high school (or close to it) really you don't.
Love,
Julie
I never wanted kids, but the Handsome Hubster did. My priest wouldn't marry us until one or the other of us bent. We agreed on two. Then we discovered we were infertile and the game changed. In the infertility community there is sometimes talk that couples who fight to conceive and maintain a pregnancy treasure their offspring more than those who don't. This belief is born in pain and in rational moments isn't necessarily entertained (so no flaming, tyvm). Because this post has the same tenor of those posts, I'm wondering if when you wrote this, the finality and reality of no more children made you a little more desperate to cleave to the children you have? Is your longing for additional children more pronounced? Did your game change?
As an aside, for us the infertility benefit is that while it cost thou$and$ to have kids, we haven't spent a dime on birth control in more than a decade. Also, as one of your commentators pointed out, there is no remembering, hormone altering, or mornings after - just sex on demand.
That was so increadibly beautifly put...I think my uterus just jumped out!
Oh man. My hubs and I are on our way to this but we haven't done it yet and this post isn't helping matters. But it's over. It really is. So it's time....
....someone needs to call the doctor.
Will you do it?
:-)
It's hard, isn't it? Even when your rational mind knows that you don't want any more kids, to give up the option completely. We were getting to the point of lining my husband up for the ole sniparoo when two lines showed up on the stick, and this one is definitely our last, but it still hurts. I'm also kind of peeved that my husband will never have to go through that tiny bit of pain and humiliation that vasectomy brings, since my OB will take care of it when he's elbow deep in my reproductive cavity this fall. I figure it's the least he can do since I get to do all the birthing. Oh well.
Beautiful post! Hugs to you!
Very sweet hubby, very sweet babies. You done good.
How did you turn this into an entry about you and your kids?
Godspeed to your balls Donor!!!
The babies are beautiful
The balls probably not so much right now.
Now enter the days of care free sex wherever you want.
Lucky
My husband couldn't be sold on the idea
Speedy recovery to yours though
Hard day, I know.
You know that it's reversible, for a ton of money but it's reversible. Just in case. In the meantime, you can enjoy totally unprotected sex whenever, which is a hell of a lot of fun.
I can't think of another that could weave such a touching post about love, kids and family surrounding getting snipped. Hugs and a speeding recovery.
"We had many, many years when the only thing we managed to do right was make babies." http://is.gd/wfr2
I love the way you write. My crazy sister told her Husband to get a vasectomy. So he did. Then she changed her mind. So he had it reversed. Now she's given up trying so guess what?...Ohhh her poor poor Husband.
I really can't say anyhitng to this. I don't know what it will feel like when I cannot have anymore youngin's. I am really writing this to send a message to Jessica.
Jessica, This blog is the single most addictive thing on the internet. Mr. Lady here, has lived one hell of a life and has graced us with her domcumentery in semi regular enstalments. Her story makes me laugh and sometimes come very close to crying. (It's not crying if they don't spill over the lids, and thats final) Since, I have read this blog, I have tried others. Even the ones she recomends. But, to me, none of them hold a candle to the this weird connection I feel toward this particular story.
Mr. Lady, If it is ok with you and Jessica, please forward this to her, I think it would be good for her to know what a close following you have.
Good night.
Damn you. I was so sure that our family was full, that the hubby could go and be snipped and now I am not sure. All of those firsts that I can't say definitely say goodbye to... yet.
so very well written... again... you have a gift with words!
I wouldn't mind getting my dh to have the snip, but then again, it seems so final... especially the way you've written it
The possibility isn't entirely gone...make sure you're careful until hubby gets the post-surgical check. We know several couples who didn't bother and were quite surprised to become parents again...10 months later!
What an amazing love story ... your kids come by their gorgeousness quite honestly.
We've broached the issue of the "snip" several times (coincidentally, usually when someone we know is celebrating it quite openly, good-bye toasts to the boys and all that ... perhaps the man's aversion to it comes from that...). And despite the fact that we know we're done (as in the thought of another diaper in this house that doesn't belong to a toy, makes my bones ache) and we can barely handle the two that we have, the finality of it just seems so counter to everything that's been ingrained in us for over 10 years. The infertility thing can make you illogical at best, crazy at worst.
So here's to other uses for frozen peas (they are amazing for unexplained back fails as well).
Hope the donor heals well...
i'm sorry mr. lady but i guess it has to be done eh? wish him well.
beautiful post.
happy humping?