Monday
May252009
Big Fish, Little Fish
Monday, May 25, 2009 at 2:44AM | Mr Lady
There is something to be said for protecting your children. When my cousin was a little girl, she was getting beat up by some neighborhood kids and when she ran home to ask her mother for help, my aunt shoved her back out the door and told her to grow a pair. She grabbed the first weapon she saw, which ended up being an empty 40, smashed the end of it off on the sidewalk, and did exactly what her mother told her to.
You can guess how that girl's entire life ended up.
This generation, the one of our children, seems to be fairing better, perhaps to the extreme in the other direction. My kids' world is bacteria free whether I like it or not (and hello swine flu), their heads are helmeted and their knees padded, they get graded in numbers on three different scales, and after every meal they get a reward. You know what my reward for eating my dinner was? NOT getting my ass kicked. My children think dessert is a god-given right.
Now, as much as I think the man who invented the Happy Meal should be strung up by his toenails and plucked from head to toe with 50 year old tweezers for creating a generation of children who think they should get something for everything, the fact of the matter is that I bought the damn happy meal. And it took me 8 years to figure out I could just say, "Oh, and hold the toy."
I'm slow, but I get there.
And I do love the knee pads and the elbow pads because god knows I don't want to see my kids bleed but the problem with that is that they never bleed. And then they never have to learn to get up after. They never have to learn to shake it off and keep playing. They never learn.
Unless, of course, they're at the skate park.
The rules of conventional society do not apply at the skate park. The older kids have dominion, and the younger kids have to learn damn fast what that means exactly. There is a hierarchy at the skate park that is not to be ignored, and so long as you respect that they will take you in under their wing and help you along. You fuck with them, however? Your day sucks. And if you even think about having your mom come rescue you? Yeah, good luck with that. Skaters can be some of the kindest, most gracious kids you'll ever meet until some helicopter mom comes swooping in telling them how to behave around her child on their turf. It's kind of a funny thing to watch, actually, mostly because that mom never wins.
I started taking my boys to the skate park when they were 3 and 5, and we started out going when the older kids were all in school, just so they could get the feel of it. When they got older, we'd try it on the occasional weekend, and by the time they were 5 and 7, they were brave enough to go mid-day, over summer break. Right when I was 80 months pregnant with 3of3. Which means I couldn't help them at all.
And I swear, you've never seen a sweeter group of 17 year olds helping my boys every time they got stuck, pulling them to their feet if they fell down, helping them get helmets on tight enough and showing them where the good spots for littler ones to play were.
And that smae group of kids, those ones I wanted to bake cookies for, would eat alive the errant child who came in thinking they owned the place, zooming around any which way they chose, tripping everyone up and being inconsiderate. Because you don't fuck with a skater at a skate park. It's sacred territory.
And it's a great exercise, as a parent, in letting them swin with big fishes all by themselves. It's hard, because my instinct is to bubble wrap them in rainbows, but now that my boys are the older boys, and I see them being the ones taking the younger kids under their wings and enforcing the rules of engagement when need be, I see that me squirming a little when they were young has paid off in a big way for them now.
Now, they are fairly accomplished skaters, because they've been taught how to do it by older kids they admire.
Now they know that even though mom says it's rude and tacky, sometimes it's just art.
Now, they aren't afraid to try new things, they aren't shy or self conscious, because they've watched the older kids and seen how they try until they get it.
And now when they fail, they're starting to get right back up, shake it off, and try again.
Which is something I've been trying to teach them their whole lives, but was really something they just had to learn by watching this guy damn near kill himself.
And thank god for that, because now they'll actually wear the fucking helmets.
Loads more on FlickR, as always.
You can guess how that girl's entire life ended up.
This generation, the one of our children, seems to be fairing better, perhaps to the extreme in the other direction. My kids' world is bacteria free whether I like it or not (and hello swine flu), their heads are helmeted and their knees padded, they get graded in numbers on three different scales, and after every meal they get a reward. You know what my reward for eating my dinner was? NOT getting my ass kicked. My children think dessert is a god-given right.
Now, as much as I think the man who invented the Happy Meal should be strung up by his toenails and plucked from head to toe with 50 year old tweezers for creating a generation of children who think they should get something for everything, the fact of the matter is that I bought the damn happy meal. And it took me 8 years to figure out I could just say, "Oh, and hold the toy."
I'm slow, but I get there.
And I do love the knee pads and the elbow pads because god knows I don't want to see my kids bleed but the problem with that is that they never bleed. And then they never have to learn to get up after. They never have to learn to shake it off and keep playing. They never learn.
Unless, of course, they're at the skate park.
The rules of conventional society do not apply at the skate park. The older kids have dominion, and the younger kids have to learn damn fast what that means exactly. There is a hierarchy at the skate park that is not to be ignored, and so long as you respect that they will take you in under their wing and help you along. You fuck with them, however? Your day sucks. And if you even think about having your mom come rescue you? Yeah, good luck with that. Skaters can be some of the kindest, most gracious kids you'll ever meet until some helicopter mom comes swooping in telling them how to behave around her child on their turf. It's kind of a funny thing to watch, actually, mostly because that mom never wins.
I started taking my boys to the skate park when they were 3 and 5, and we started out going when the older kids were all in school, just so they could get the feel of it. When they got older, we'd try it on the occasional weekend, and by the time they were 5 and 7, they were brave enough to go mid-day, over summer break. Right when I was 80 months pregnant with 3of3. Which means I couldn't help them at all.
And I swear, you've never seen a sweeter group of 17 year olds helping my boys every time they got stuck, pulling them to their feet if they fell down, helping them get helmets on tight enough and showing them where the good spots for littler ones to play were.
And that smae group of kids, those ones I wanted to bake cookies for, would eat alive the errant child who came in thinking they owned the place, zooming around any which way they chose, tripping everyone up and being inconsiderate. Because you don't fuck with a skater at a skate park. It's sacred territory.
And it's a great exercise, as a parent, in letting them swin with big fishes all by themselves. It's hard, because my instinct is to bubble wrap them in rainbows, but now that my boys are the older boys, and I see them being the ones taking the younger kids under their wings and enforcing the rules of engagement when need be, I see that me squirming a little when they were young has paid off in a big way for them now.
Now, they are fairly accomplished skaters, because they've been taught how to do it by older kids they admire.
Now they know that even though mom says it's rude and tacky, sometimes it's just art.
Now, they aren't afraid to try new things, they aren't shy or self conscious, because they've watched the older kids and seen how they try until they get it.
And now when they fail, they're starting to get right back up, shake it off, and try again.
Which is something I've been trying to teach them their whole lives, but was really something they just had to learn by watching this guy damn near kill himself.
And thank god for that, because now they'll actually wear the fucking helmets.
Loads more on FlickR, as always.
Reader Comments (60)
Thanks for letting your kids be kids. Hopefully there are more normal people like you around who are prepared to (whether it was planned or not) let their kids learn by getting out there, having a go and taking risks. It gives me hope that there will be some decent kids around.
and one day they'll be a superstar, slammin' on their guitars.
(Also: what spooked you to pull back to partial feeds?)
You can "hold" the toy from a Happy Meal?
Dude. I hope a parenting book is one that you are planning on writing.
I tried to skate as a kid and was woefully pathetic. I decided to stick to the Tony Hawk Pro Skater games instead. But now, when I get calluses on my thumbs, I shake it off and keep going!
Thank you for this great post. I hate helicopter moms no matter where they are.
I have always thought skaters were the nicest kids. My kids will play organized hockey over my dead body (don't take away my Canadian passport, please) but if someone here wants to be a skateboarder, I don't have a problem.
A little blood every once in a while is not so bad.
This is great. Real life lessons, they're good for our kids. Really good.
I also wanted to tell you I read about your cousin too. Very tragic. I'm sorry about that.
The bubble wrap just makes it harder for their clothes to fit anyway.. :)
The post was awesome..but guess what I loved more?? :) wonderful job on the photos MR.. wonderful.
I stood back while the moosh threw down with the neighborhood bully. It ended in tears but the little kid got some good words in edgewise. And then I secretly made a voodoo doll of the little nasty kid.
Because yes, I'm 10.
And you're doing a good job.
A damn fine job.
I couldn't agree more about skater kids. The change in confidence in my own son was amazing. They are great kids and I have no problem letting my boy go to the park and stay for hours.
I agree! Good job on toughing it out. It's so hard, isn't it? My boys don't have helmets and knee pads (and I'm sure now that I'm writing this out proudly I'll regret it) because my hubby and I are a bit concerned that if our kid doesn't learn how to put his hand out to stop the fall and protect his own dern head, then perhaps...just perhaps he needs that lesson. It's the same with bullying....kids have got to learn to deal with it on their own. Cry all you want, kid, but I am not crossing the sreet to tell the neighbor kid that he hurt your feelings by calling you a crybaby (which duh, kid, you are crying so knock it off)....sheesh, I'm sure this will also come back to haunt me later when the boys invite Mom to group therapy.
:)
How's that book coming. I'm saving any spare change I can from car consoles to the bottom of washing machines and let's not forget under couch pillows to buy the first copy.
R
The misery of others are often our best tutors.
Great post. I hope my son is able to learn in the same way. Not that I have a clue where a skate park even is.
Pop up ads? Gotta say, I'm not a fan of those.
I love this post.
No, seriously, I LOVE this post.
(So sorry about your cousin.)
We don`t have a skate park here, but we do have futbol, which is similar when played on a concrete "field". I love that your boys have learned so much from skating and that you let them!
Also, I must not be bubble wrapping well enough because my kids bleed all the time. They`re only 3 and 2 but they have enough scars to have lived a lifetime already!
Thank you for the beautifully written reminder that we all learn from our mistakes and to refuse our children that chance is inexcusable. I will freak out a lot less when the neighbourhood kids start jumping their bikes in the street, and set up a smaller 'ramp' for the little kids on training wheels to 'jump'. In fact, I'm a bit ashamed now that I did haul my kid in, even if he did have abandoned chores to take care of. Thanks for making me think! :)
Hmmm...I think a skateboard might make a great present for my soon-to-be 7 year old.
Few things are more satisfying as a parent than to see your kids take younger, weaker ones in under their wing to teach and stand up for them. That's when, no matter how many doubts about your parenting skills you may have, you know you did something right.
And I couldn't skate board or roller skate to save my life. Weak ankles and poor balance on unstable surfaces were my issues. And I cringe in terror just thinking about today's roller blades. Or, worse yet, ripsticks.
you are so correct in that one. hard to hold back. i am pretty good at keeping my boundaries bc a) my son will let me know, he's 7. and b) it's just not cool to jump in when they're trying to figure things out.
i'm all for saving kids from bullies and i think you are right on: as long as they know they can always talk to you and figure things out and home is a happy safe place to be, it's good.
but it's so hard to keep one's mouth shut and not want to jump in, aiee.
I don't usually comment, but I just had to say that I love this post. LOVE IT!
When my son wiped out at the skate park it took me a few minutes to get there after the walkie talkie call from his brother. An older kid had already gotten a "ShamWow" cloth (yet another use for them) out of his car to soak up all the blood and all the kids were gathered around to make sure he was okay. It is a real fraternity over there but I could do without some of the new words they come home with.
I think I'm going to have to take my boy to the skate park.
I really wish we had skate parks here! What an awesome place to learn.
Glad they wear helmets on their own accord now.
totally. thanks for not raising wussies.
(did you go partial feed on me?)
what a great post.
It is so true, especially with boys that they learn so much better watching the big boys.
In a single parent family it is good to have male role models. And that doesn't have to be grown men.
I am so proud now to see my own son as the role model to so many young men.
I wore a helmet just reading this post.
Kids are kids, and they are going to get hurt. It's great when they have the willingness to learn from others (even when it's not us parents, 'cuz face it, we're old and stuff). Hubs would like to wrap the little one in bubble wrap for a few years, but seriously? What would that accomplish? If you don't learn to fall down the right way and then get up and go again when you are a kid, what happens when that big bitchy Brahma called life bucks you off at 16 or 23 or 45. Coping skills and the ability to laugh at your own mistakes while you are learning from them are critical to a happy life, and they have to be learned. Usually the hard way.
Great post. My kid is still at the 'eating dirt' phase, but I tend to let him eat it. Because, how else is he going to figure out it tastes like dirt?
Hubby, whose parents did an EXCELLENT job of keeping him in a bubble, does not always agree.
Hello there! I've been reading your blog for a few months now, and love it. This post finally outed me from lurker status, because YES...to all of it. We put them in helmets and kneepads so they won't ever bleed, but then...they never bleed. Or learn to get back up. So well put. I'm the mom letting my kids climb too high or try that stunt on their bike that has all the other parents frowning, and I wouldn't change a thing. They're confident kids because of it, and they know they can fail, and that it's ok if they do.
I didn't feel truly assimilated into society until I learned the ways of the skater. Except back in my day, there weren't skate parks. Just loading docks and office parks in and around town. Ironic how back then, fitting into skate society meant shunning "assimilation into society." Circle A! Circle A! heh. kids...
Sweeeeet skate action pics, btw. I would have killed for someone to take some of me when I was a kid.
Holy holy - great post and all and I totally love your line about bubble wrapping them in rainbows - friggin' great - and I'd like to think I'm not a hover mom but maybe I swoop more often than I need to or ever ever should....but my girls aren't doing too many dangerous things....
...my almost two year old dude however? He's already hanging off the big kid monkey bars in our yard and wanting to let go to land on the mini-trampoline below. And I think if I showed him a skate park, he would insist on going there. So basically he's giving me a friggin' heart attack already and this post of yours is scaring the shit out of me cause I don't want him doing that thing where that guy nearly killed himself.....geez.
Big Fish, Little Fish http://bit.ly/11mYwL
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Because of the treatment you gave the shots, it looks like you're hiding in the bushes to take the photos! Very cool.
I usually push the helmet for a week or so. Then I forget and say oops and hope they don't get any brain injuries...
My sons wear helmets to go pee. Not because I hover, but because their father did WAY too much research on head injuries back in college for his thesis and now is super freaked out. You would be surprised how many children end up paralyzed from a simple bike wreck when they weren't even going that fast! It's truly tragic. There is one thing to be said for 'being overly protective' but helmet use is completely different. Good job on your 'wrapping job' mom!
*and now I'm off my soapbox*
Your story of your cousin touched me. That is how I found my mom. That is truly something no 10-year-old should ever experience. That poor kid.
I'm totally going to suck at the skate park.
I'm so sorry about your cousin. We have a skate park near us. I'm sure I'll be there a lot this summer since it seems the family vacation is a no-go. We put our son in martial arts and I hope that helps a lot with keeping him on the opposite side of wuss.
Those photos really brought back memories. I used to take pictures of my brother while he skated and I really admire the way the body contorts while skating.
That said, your post was fantastic. I think you're absolutely right. Kids needs to learn lessons and sometimes the only way to do that is fall on their ass or be embarrassed by an older kid. Not everything can be taught and we can't keep them from getting into everything. That's why I teach my kids to be respectful and independent and to learn their own damn lessons.
I guess I don't get that, either. WE never have bandaids in the house not because my kids never bleed, but because bandaids are for pussies. You get up and you wipe off the blood and you keep going. All of mine have thus far learned that-physcially, emotionally, mentally-the only way you can truly be beaten- by life, by people, by a task or event, is if you give up. Period. And along the way there are ways you can learn to protect yourself-helmets, kneepads, a killer wit or dripping sarcasm, and there are people who will help and guide and lead, and the smart ones? They LET those people wipe of the blood and help them back up. You kick ass as a aprent, but only because you are so much like me. HA HA HA :)
parent. that last bit was supposed to say PARENT. sheesh.
I've got three skater brothers, showing their three would-be skater nephews the ropes.
I love the picture you've painted about the older kids taking the little ones under their wings. And, for the record, I cannot stand helicopter parents. I have to deal with them on a fairly regular basis around admissions and move-in time here for the freshmen. Good. Grief. Sometimes I just wanted to smack them and tell them what's what.
So very true. And you are right, the sooner and more often they are exposed to "real life, "the better off they will be, in my opinion.
Its kind of like only allowing someone to read a partial feed, and forcing them to click through to your actual blog so you know how long ridiculously it took them to think up an intelligent comment. It forces readers to "put themselves out there" and not be coddled or allowed to hide behind technology.
I love that I switched the words "ridiculously" and "long" , then immediately followed it with the phrase "intelligent comment". What an idiot.
It took me two days to quit overparenting and read this, but I am so glad I did. Strong work.
I just found your website tonight, and although this is the first and only post I have read (so far) I felt I had to say thanks. This was exactally what I needed today. I am learning to think out of the box as a first time parent of a now 1 year old girl.
Thank you great blog
Terri
1. Your pictures rule.
2. You have adorable boys.
3. My son is 18 months old and I don't want him to get boo-boos.