;)
Friday
May292009
Stupid Is
Friday, May 29, 2009 at 12:29PM
If you were, say, an old Denver friend or a relative, and you were to call me, we'd probably catch up on my kids. You'd ask about 3of3 and I'd say that she was absolutely perfectly lovely and a raging lunatic. You'd inquire about 2of3 and I'd tell you that he is just as funny and charming as ever and a compulsive liar bordering on sociopath. We'd get to 1of3 eventually and all I'd really be able to say is that he wears one shoe size smaller than I do and that he's a complete jerk.
You'd probably say something like, "Way harsh, Tai."
But of COURSE he's a complete jerk. He's 11 and has inhaled steroids every day for the better part of 6 years now. Puberty has sucker-punched that boy, and hard. The only thing more disheartening about him right now than his disposition is his aroma.
The boy makes Axe body spray smell like heaven. And Axe deodorant. And Axe shampoo. And whatever Axe they come out with next. Lesser of two evils, yo.
The thing is, he's just not that into me anymore. I am no longer a deity; I am nothing more than a boss whom he occasionally has to hug. He'll still throw me a sideways glance and a coy smile if he sees me in his school, but he'll never approach me. At home he spends most of his days trying to dodge me in new and creative ways.
Just because you turn all the lights off and totally bury yourself under a throw blanket, that doesn't mean I suddenly can't hear the Super Mario Brother's theme on the DS from under there, you dumb ostrich.
I've noticed a sharp and speedy decline in both the length and quality of our conversations as of late. Where he used to talk my ears off over dinner, now he powers down his veggie burger* and runs out the front door before I can catch him. Now I know where the sudden interest in Marathon training has come from.
We don't giggle on our drive into school anymore; I giggle and he curls himself into a tight, fetal ball of over-it and prays for a quick death or the end of the torturous drive to school. Which takes 42.36 seconds. Drama Queen.
He still loves me, of this I have no doubt, but the boy has moved on. He's matured. He thinks that I am a moron.
He told me one day that he wished I'd stop wearing all that Eye Shallow (liner). Why? Because he thinks it makes me look dumb. His friend came to the door three nights about at 7:45 to ask if he could go outside to Ripstick and when I said no, he looked me dead in the eye and screamed, "Oh, COME ON." And yes, I let him live, thankyouverymuch.
I actually think this whole thing is quite endearing and almost funny. See, I wasn't allowed to so much as say Huh? to my mother without loosing my front teeth and so the fact that I've cranked out this man who isn't afraid to tell me what he thinks, who isn't afraid to be a normal teenager, well....I'm feeling pretty damn good about that whole situation. I think I win, you know?
And I am going to keep repeating that to myself when the kid comes up to me and says, "Why are you dressed like THAT?" and I say, "What?" and he says, with a little finger drawing an air circle in front of me, "That. That thing you're wearing" and I say, "You mean this dress?" and he says, "Yeah, that" and I say jokingly, "You're mom's a girl, dude. Did you forget that or something?" and he, dead serious, says, "Well, yeah" and walks away.
I'm a better parent than my mother. I'm a better parent than my mother. I'm a better parent than my mother. But I'm starting to see where she got the idea to kill us all came from. Bygones.
*That is a whole other story entirely.
You'd probably say something like, "Way harsh, Tai."
But of COURSE he's a complete jerk. He's 11 and has inhaled steroids every day for the better part of 6 years now. Puberty has sucker-punched that boy, and hard. The only thing more disheartening about him right now than his disposition is his aroma.
The boy makes Axe body spray smell like heaven. And Axe deodorant. And Axe shampoo. And whatever Axe they come out with next. Lesser of two evils, yo.
The thing is, he's just not that into me anymore. I am no longer a deity; I am nothing more than a boss whom he occasionally has to hug. He'll still throw me a sideways glance and a coy smile if he sees me in his school, but he'll never approach me. At home he spends most of his days trying to dodge me in new and creative ways.
Just because you turn all the lights off and totally bury yourself under a throw blanket, that doesn't mean I suddenly can't hear the Super Mario Brother's theme on the DS from under there, you dumb ostrich.
I've noticed a sharp and speedy decline in both the length and quality of our conversations as of late. Where he used to talk my ears off over dinner, now he powers down his veggie burger* and runs out the front door before I can catch him. Now I know where the sudden interest in Marathon training has come from.
We don't giggle on our drive into school anymore; I giggle and he curls himself into a tight, fetal ball of over-it and prays for a quick death or the end of the torturous drive to school. Which takes 42.36 seconds. Drama Queen.
He still loves me, of this I have no doubt, but the boy has moved on. He's matured. He thinks that I am a moron.
He told me one day that he wished I'd stop wearing all that Eye Shallow (liner). Why? Because he thinks it makes me look dumb. His friend came to the door three nights about at 7:45 to ask if he could go outside to Ripstick and when I said no, he looked me dead in the eye and screamed, "Oh, COME ON." And yes, I let him live, thankyouverymuch.
I actually think this whole thing is quite endearing and almost funny. See, I wasn't allowed to so much as say Huh? to my mother without loosing my front teeth and so the fact that I've cranked out this man who isn't afraid to tell me what he thinks, who isn't afraid to be a normal teenager, well....I'm feeling pretty damn good about that whole situation. I think I win, you know?
And I am going to keep repeating that to myself when the kid comes up to me and says, "Why are you dressed like THAT?" and I say, "What?" and he says, with a little finger drawing an air circle in front of me, "That. That thing you're wearing" and I say, "You mean this dress?" and he says, "Yeah, that" and I say jokingly, "You're mom's a girl, dude. Did you forget that or something?" and he, dead serious, says, "Well, yeah" and walks away.
I'm a better parent than my mother. I'm a better parent than my mother. I'm a better parent than my mother. But I'm starting to see where she got the idea to kill us all came from. Bygones.
*That is a whole other story entirely.
Reader Comments (60)
He has yet to figure out that the coolest teenager (or pre-teen) at school is the one that looks cool, acts cool, and has cool stuff, yet is never afraid to proclaim or show his love for Mom. Even in public, in front of his friends.
Ahhh, it's so nice to know I'm not alone. My oldest is 10 and I've been noticing him pulling away from me lately, which makes me sad, but I'll give him his space cause' he's a good kid. I really enjoy your blog, don't stop writing!!
Idunno. That's the mantra of teenagedom and you better get used to it cuz it doesn't end. Idunno. Why did you give your finished project to your friend? Idunno. Why did you draw on your leg with Sharpie markers? Idunno. Idunno. Idunno. And darling? The smell? It doesn't get better for quite some time and I have a freaking girl!!!! But the best is the vacant look as you try to play Mom about forks in the trash or scraping their plates or cleaning up after themselves. It's the look that drives me the most nuts - that vacant stare as if they can see right through you into the dark abyss that must be your soulless soul, MOM.
He'll love you again at 22. So, you know, you just have to wait his entire life's worth of time and then you'll kick ass all over again.
It sucks to know that I am going to become a complete idiot in my sons eyes someday. It is only a matter of time.
You're a better parent than your mother.
I sadly, am pretty sure that my mother is a better parent than me.
Yeah, I'm a better parent than my mother as well. But, seriously, she didn't set the bar all that high, so I have my insecurities.
I am not ready for that.. my kids are the only two people in the world that think I am cool.. when they grow out of it I am screwed.
Yeah, we're moving there quickly. I'm becoming more of an idiot by the day, apparently. (I have secretly always known I am an idiot, but have hidden it from my kids.) I agree that it's kind of fun. When it's not maddening.
you are a better parent than your mother, fo' sho.
oh man... teenage boys smell like pot roast left in a car for three days in phoenix during the summer.
I have brain washed my crew to think that I know everything. The 12 year old is testing that assumption a lot lately but he only tests it using ridiculous trivia, all of which I know, so I'm still super smart in his eyes. I'm also beyond embarrassing and annoying and just plain mean, but at least I've got the brains thing going for me. ;-)
My daughter will always think I'm Prince Charming right? Wait...she already thinks of me as "the mean guy" and she's only 3 1/2. I guess I'll have to work on the whole liking me thing so she can call me a big dork in 7+ years....good times
He'll come back to you...eventually.
Although I do dread the day that my boys start drawing away from me. I fear the 7 year old is starting to already. He's MUCH rather hang out with his friends then with us lately. Which just means my good mothering has made him self confident, right?!?
Now I am totally sad. My 3 yo son loves me so much I can't pee alone and my 6 yo daughter tells me I ma her best friend....bummer
that clueless reference? THE REASON I LOVE YOU.
(well, one of them, at least)
That has to be rough to see that happen in your children, see you change your status with them suddenly.
Great post by the way. It´s strange because I feel like I´m not that far away from those feeling of annoyance with my parents, like I felt when I was a teen and then I´m like, what the hell, I´m 32. I need to get crackin on having kids or I´ll be decrepid by the time my kids start to hate me.
I have one of those too - an 11 year old man/boy. One minute he wants me to lie with him before he goes to sleep because he's scared of the dark, the next he acts like I am the biggest jerk in the world because I won't let him see "Wolverine." When does that "oh you're so lucky you have boys, girls are so much harder when they are teenagers" kick in?
I hope I can be like you and be a better parent than my mother.
And I think you should have fun with it- go out of your way to provoke him. He's going to be a pain anyway, might as well get some more giggles out of it, right?
"Way harsh, Tai"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Awesome. :)
The concept that I was one of those smelly boys makes me shudder violently. Ugh. I can only hope that I was as addicted to nice body wash and deodorant as I am now.
Biding my time during the cute phase, deluding myself into believing that whining and temper tantrums are the worse thing I'll have to endure. lalalalala I can't hear you
You are such a great mom. I know I say that every time I comment, but you really do amaze me.
Also, I`m kinda glad my kids are growing up in Latin America where moms are revered to the point of being 100% more important than the girlfriend/wife. Which I hate in my husband, but will probably love in my sons. :)
Reading this post I remembered my mum continuously telling me to go take a shower. I just thought she was a bitch, but I guess I did stink. On the other hand, she IS a bitch and always has been. I have a 14 months old and am pregnant with another baby. I am determined to be a better mother that my mother was. I don't think it will be that hard. But we will see...
mine is a girl, and going to be 12 this summer. i don't know that she's pulling away, but it has been the two of us for long enough that we have a bond she feels stretching before i do. though, last night i told her i wanted her home right after her after-school stuff instead of going to her bff's like usual. when she asked why, i said i wanted to hang out with her. she didn't sound happy on the phone about it, but by the time i got home, she was happy to see me. i'm not looking forward to her pulling away. i love her, of course. but more importantly, i LIKE her.
Dood, you ref'd clueless. I love you even more now ;-)
You are an amazing mom and although I'm not looking forward to these years, reading you makes it easier, because I know I'll come out on the other side and live to tell about it ;-)
XO
If he makes Axe smell good, he must be one stinky dude!!!
You are hilarious.
LOL...ahhhh puberty...My son is taking it a bit slower...and our conversations have gotten shorty for years...then one day, when I least expected it, he told me he loved me...WHA???? I almost started crying. I'm sure I'm embarassing...I'm sure that'll get worse...he wont tell me what girl he likes and he ignors just about everything I tell him, or argues every word I say...but I won't let it get to me too bad...
BTW..I repeat that same mantra to myself all the time...And, just for the record...I STILL can't get away with telling my mom how I feel...go figure...
I am a better mom too...thank the lord!
Here's my theory: when they are little, we don't kill them because they are cute. When they cease being little (and hence cute), we don't kill them simply because we can't, because they are too big and their bodies would be too hard to hide.
My 10 year old daughter has begun to suffer similar afflictions. I even had to buy her a razor to start shaving her underarms. (Oh how I wish I could shave away her PMS and tween attitude problems. Think Nair will work? Hm. Guess not.)
Eventually we'll be cool again. When they want money from us. Or to borrow the car.
I have two boys, 12 and 6. The stench of the 12-year-old, my GOD! Can they not smell themselves, or do they like the smell of fried onions????
And yeah, no more kissing or hugging in public. I can't even say good-bye to him at the bus stop.
Plus my 6-year-old said to me this morning "A lot of times, the things you say don't make sense." The nerve!
It's hard to say which I love more - your posts or the comments you get
"oh man… teenage boys smell like pot roast left in a car for three days in phoenix during the summer."
Fantastic olfactory description there.
I have one of each. They're little. Maybe I should buy stock in Axe and the girl equivalent. Fortunately, the 3 yo already likes to wear deodorant.
Not to worry. The next phase is "Mom, do you have any money? Mom, can I use the car?"
This ain't hardly over.
Then if you were anythng like mom and me our best years, when I was in high school I'd call my mom out of the clear blue and say, "Mom, let's do lunch." Those were our bestest years. And if you play it right, he'll actually marry someone you'll like.
This is hardly over.
But do you still have moments where he regresses, and then it makes it all the more frustrating when he turns back into a gloomy adolescent? That's my issue with Sylvia. I try to respect the fact that she's growing up and then she turns into a kid again, and THAT's why I want to tear my hair out!
Oh darlin. I've lived with that for nearly 7 years now. I'm kicking his ass off to college in September.
Hilarious and terrifying all at the same time. Looking forward to the same horrific treatment in a couple of years. Think if I sow some subliminal seeds now it might help? I could sit by her bedside while she's asleep and whisper, "You won't hate your mother...you won't hate your mother..."
Your scaring me. Lucky me as my son is a bit behind in the puberty department. I'm so not ready for him to turn on me. I don't think that I looked at my Mom funny until I was 14 or 15. Hang in there. Ugh..........
Long time reader, first time commenter, part time pimp.
I've no kids of my own, but my friends kids? 10.5 & 6.5? A few years ago I became old news. I walked in the door and they were both all "Oh, it's YOU". Le sigh.
Also, anyone who calls their kid a dumb ostrich is aces in my book. You know, in case you were wondering.
Oh can I totally relate to this. My oldest is also an 11 year old boy and smells of Abercrombie - yack! I love that they are maturing and venturing into their own interests and such, but man - come on - they're still our babies.
I could have written this verbatim. I'm glad you saved me the trouble. Thanks. I owe you one.
It will be awkward for a while and then better again. Then I think we get stupid again for a bit. Mine is 16- has finally decided that bathing is acceptable, and still spends occasional time with me. However when he was 11-13 and quite mouthy I used the following to request good behavior in public.
If he mouthed off in a public setting, I promised him that I would pull him close and kiss him loudly on the cheek. With a big hug and a smile.
It worked like a charm :)
I'm with Jill "Biding my time during the cute phase, deluding myself into believing that whining and temper tantrums are the worse thing I’ll have to endure. lalalalala I can’t hear you" when it comes to my 3 year old. Who I am teaching to wear deodorant and Daddy's cologne. And bathe EVERY day.
I know better. 13 year old step-daughter? 8-in-2-weeks stepson? My best shot at being cool with those kids is being cooler than their mom.
Teenagers? Smell like rotting Cape buffalo. Might I suggest some of those pine-tree air fresheners? Just staple them inside his back pockets, stuff them in his shoes, wherever you can hide them.
Just wait till his teenage friend start calling his mom a MILF. He'll either be completely freaked out, or pretty damn proud of it!!!!
I love the fact that my boys and my teenage daughter are able to tell me exactly what they think and then debate with me over why I should or shouldn't let/make them do something. My hubby thinks it's totaly disrepect because "what he says to his kids. No ifs, ands, or buts." I asked him how he thought they would make it in the real world if they had no clue to argue their point and how they won't cry the first time they get yelled at by a boss.
Yes we are GREAT mothers!
My son is ten and my daughter 14, I am no longer cool at all to them, I have re-ignited old friendships, and made new ones, to get me through this transition period. I know that I am just the chauffeur, maid, and roadie all-in-one right now. I know that they will come to me when they need me. It is hard to let go, and my friends will tell you how crazy overprotective I am. But I do have to have a life of my own, because lets face it, someday soon they will move out and create their own amazing lives and I will have to wait for the grandchildren.
We are WAY better mothers than our mothers. Thanks for the heads up on 11. My turn starts in December.
Shit.
It probably shouldn't have, but this one made me LOL. I remember once my 1st was 2.5 years old and going through all that crap and my youngest was 1 and going through all that crap too. I called my mom and said "Mom...I'm sorry." and hung up the phone. She told me later that she was laughing and crying at the same time for about half an hour...then she was just laughing. Oh well. I am sure I will do it again when I have one 15.5 year old and a 14 year old and I have their friends walk through a metal detector to come into the house and I pat them down for drugs and confiscate their pot and chips. But theres nothing we can do except threaten lives and be hated, mend broken hearts and scraped knees and be loved. It is a parents job to be hated and loved at the same time.
Oh. Wow. Maybe going to the grocery store with three toddlers isn't so bad? Can I send mine to you when they hit puberty? Cause that not killing them thing? That sounds hard.
I am so glad to read this post right now and know I am not alone!!! I have two older girls and an 11 year old boy. Trust me, I will take the teen girls over the boy anyday.
I miss the giggling and the cuddling too-if I ask for a kiss, I get him "giving" me the top of head to kiss. And the yelling-can we spell FRUSTRATION? But late at night, when he forgets, he may come up and hug me. I cherish those moments now!
I'm totally with Ex-Pat Mom. I was raised like a good Latin American boy and my Mommy's orders are MUCH more important than any of any of my ex-boyfriends (and yes, my Mom DOES have to approve of any boys I ever date). So, I'm sure at some point, 1of3 will come back.
Every time I call, Skype or GTalk with my Mom (she's slightly kind of a geek too) I tell her I love her. Before I moved countries faster than anybody changed their underwear, I was used to telling her I loved her EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
My Mom rocks, and you rock as a Mom. Just sayin'
OMG, you quoted Clueless. *swoon* My son is 6 1/2 going on 16 1/2 and we are fighting the attitude battle. I tell myself that his need to have the last word, the impertinent tone and tendancy to dramatize means he's destined to be a wealthy lawyer who can take care of me in style when I'm old and doddering. Plus, he stinks already. Some days he gets in the car after school and it's almost overpowering. I'm very scared for the double digit years.
Well, I have a 3 year old that tells me I'm gorgeous and a "really nice mummy"...and a 17 year old that barely looks sideways at me. I sure do hope they come back