;)
Wednesday
May062009
MIA
Wednesday, May 6, 2009 at 5:26AM
My mother in law is here for a week. My mother in law doesn't know about this blog. It's kind of important that it stays that way. This puts me in a tedious position.
I honestly don't know anymore why I don't want her to know about it. When I started blogging, no one that knew me knew about it, save a handful of people. About a year and a half into it, my husband found it. Right after I left him, conveniently enough. Good times, good times. Once it was outed to him, I started letting it slip to others. My best friend sent me an email one day saying that she was starting one of those self-indulgent, woe-is-me blogs and to not judge her too harshly, to which I replied that I already had one of those myself and maybe our blogs should meet. Then a mutual friend started one, and so I fessed up to her as well. My old next door neighbor and PTA bestie found me on NaBloOhYouKnow totally by accident. And then one night I got extremely trashed and sent my brother the link. I will never understand why I told my ex-boyfriend about it, but I did and he still talks to me, so I guess it's okay. Maybe. I gave the link to my best work-friend when I moved to Canada and swore him to secrecy. And I even told one and only one of my in-laws about it, which is kind of fun because now when I get busted, I'll have an accomplice. Truthfully, I guess I've told three in-laws since both of my sisters-in-law know about it, but none of them really count as in-laws because I like them.
My point is that it's coming out, this blog. But I still don't want my family to read it, I still won't tell any of my neighbors about it and dear god in heaven, I will die the day my mother in law finds it. Because I like my privacy, which is completely fucking ridiculous since I'm talking about a public website that any old joe-blow could read at any given point in space or time.
I never claimed to make any sense.
So she's here for a week on her way to Alaska for the summer and I can't exactly sit around commenting on blogs logged in as Mr Lady and I can't exactly have her reading over my shoulder when I open the heymrlady email account and I can't explain that the girl I talk to on the phone 15 hours straight a day is a blog friend and so I just can't be on the computer while she's here. Which is a whole lot like saying that Paula Abdul can't take pain medications for a week straight, and so I just have to get myself and the computer as far apart as I can. Or get really sick. Or exert myself more in one hour than I have in the past decade. Or send my husband to have surgery on his balls. Or do all of those things at the exact same time.
Which is what any totally reasonable person would do, of course.
The Donor had his snip on Friday and his mother got here on Saturday, and they had some wholly disconcerting lovely mother/son bonding time.
At 1 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning, my throat swelled shut. AGAIN. After a week on penicillin for strep. Which was awesome because A) it was 1 in the morning, B) my mother in law was here, and C) we were running in the Vancouver marathon in 8 ever-nearing hours. Which we totally did anyway.
We checked into the hotel and then checked out the town. Which is like Vail's little brother and is going to rock the fucking kasbah in 2010. We got directly to doin' it like they do on the Travel Channel.
And then I sent my 68 year old mother in law and my mutilated husband and the children I am no longer capable of replacing off to strap harnesses around their special bits and slide on wires over ravines which loom in the fathoms below.
We got home late on Monday night and woke up early on Tuesday morning for an all day track meet. In the goddamnmotherfucking Pacific Northwest rain. Because I'm totally not sick enough.
And tonight, the night I have to write the American Idol recap, the night I HAVE to be on the computer, Ms. I'm An Antique and Have To Be In Bed By Eight decided that she wasn't tired at all and would just read. On the couch. Directly behind the computer.
We were off to such a good start, too. Now's it's 3:25 in the am and I just want to bring that bitch DOWN.
I honestly don't know anymore why I don't want her to know about it. When I started blogging, no one that knew me knew about it, save a handful of people. About a year and a half into it, my husband found it. Right after I left him, conveniently enough. Good times, good times. Once it was outed to him, I started letting it slip to others. My best friend sent me an email one day saying that she was starting one of those self-indulgent, woe-is-me blogs and to not judge her too harshly, to which I replied that I already had one of those myself and maybe our blogs should meet. Then a mutual friend started one, and so I fessed up to her as well. My old next door neighbor and PTA bestie found me on NaBloOhYouKnow totally by accident. And then one night I got extremely trashed and sent my brother the link. I will never understand why I told my ex-boyfriend about it, but I did and he still talks to me, so I guess it's okay. Maybe. I gave the link to my best work-friend when I moved to Canada and swore him to secrecy. And I even told one and only one of my in-laws about it, which is kind of fun because now when I get busted, I'll have an accomplice. Truthfully, I guess I've told three in-laws since both of my sisters-in-law know about it, but none of them really count as in-laws because I like them.
My point is that it's coming out, this blog. But I still don't want my family to read it, I still won't tell any of my neighbors about it and dear god in heaven, I will die the day my mother in law finds it. Because I like my privacy, which is completely fucking ridiculous since I'm talking about a public website that any old joe-blow could read at any given point in space or time.
I never claimed to make any sense.
So she's here for a week on her way to Alaska for the summer and I can't exactly sit around commenting on blogs logged in as Mr Lady and I can't exactly have her reading over my shoulder when I open the heymrlady email account and I can't explain that the girl I talk to on the phone 15 hours straight a day is a blog friend and so I just can't be on the computer while she's here. Which is a whole lot like saying that Paula Abdul can't take pain medications for a week straight, and so I just have to get myself and the computer as far apart as I can. Or get really sick. Or exert myself more in one hour than I have in the past decade. Or send my husband to have surgery on his balls. Or do all of those things at the exact same time.
Which is what any totally reasonable person would do, of course.
The Donor had his snip on Friday and his mother got here on Saturday, and they had some wholly disconcerting lovely mother/son bonding time.
They get bigger if you click'em, and the rest are on FlickR.
Which all sounds almost but not quite naughty.
At 1 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning, my throat swelled shut. AGAIN. After a week on penicillin for strep. Which was awesome because A) it was 1 in the morning, B) my mother in law was here, and C) we were running in the Vancouver marathon in 8 ever-nearing hours. Which we totally did anyway.
And directly after that, we rented a mini-van and drove it up a mountain to Whistler for an overnight stay on a school night, because we're great parents. At one point, when 2of3 asked us to turn up the radio because Kiss was on, The Donor turned to me and whispered, "You gotta admit; it's kind of awesome that the kid knows who Kiss is" and a few minutes later 1of3 told 2of3 that the next day was (our last name) Family Ditch Day from school and 2of3 asked, "What does ditch mean?" and I leaned over to The Donor and said, "Yeah, but that's more awesome."
We drove for 2 hours and I passed out in the front seat for all of it because ohmygod I was so sick I could die, and I missed a whole lot of this.
We checked into the hotel and then checked out the town. Which is like Vail's little brother and is going to rock the fucking kasbah in 2010. We got directly to doin' it like they do on the Travel Channel.
And then I sent my 68 year old mother in law and my mutilated husband and the children I am no longer capable of replacing off to strap harnesses around their special bits and slide on wires over ravines which loom in the fathoms below.
We got home late on Monday night and woke up early on Tuesday morning for an all day track meet. In the goddamnmotherfucking Pacific Northwest rain. Because I'm totally not sick enough.
And tonight, the night I have to write the American Idol recap, the night I HAVE to be on the computer, Ms. I'm An Antique and Have To Be In Bed By Eight decided that she wasn't tired at all and would just read. On the couch. Directly behind the computer.
We were off to such a good start, too. Now's it's 3:25 in the am and I just want to bring that bitch DOWN.
Reader Comments (54)
Well shit. Will hugs help? Cos I've got plenty of them. Assvice and MIL sleeping draughts, not so much.
What an awesome reason for family ditch day! The pacific Northwest is A-mazing!
Follow up! It's all about following up. Or else you will be Mr. Lady with 3 of 3 and still counting, soon.
Yeah, I'm completely outted. My entire fucking family (save the one's who still think the internets is a fad) know about my site and repeat EVERY FUCKING WORD TO ME DAILY.
I even got a message on facebook from my sis-in-law who after reading my last post decided to announce to all the fuckers on FB that apparently I wasn't PREGNANT yet since I was discussing my need for alcohol during potty training...
fuck me.
So, I'm here to say the things I can't say ON MY OWN FUCKING SITE.
thankyouverymuchfortherantingopportunity.
I do feel a little better....
Yes - trust me - no good will come of your MIL knowing about your blog. Not that I know about these things or anything.
Sorry to hear that you're sick. Especially up there in the dreary and damp Northwest. But it looks like everybody had fun.
I'm totally with you on having the blog shared only with certain people. When I started a year ago (after being a frequent commenter on many blogs), I just wanted to air my thoughts out in a medium where people could get to know me but nobody really knew me. That meant immediate friends and family were out. I consider this a journal of my thoughts which come out the way they come out and I won't have those close to me misunderstanding them. To be fair, I do keep things semi-anonymous (family and friends, at least, but my full name isn't too hard to figure out), and there are certain personal subjects that aren't brought up on my blog. Marital issues, for example. I believe in keeping the details of such close to home, and I'm not going to be one of those guys that constantly bitch and air out dirty laundry between them and the wife on a public forum. And my wife doesn't know, so far as I know, about my blog. Not that I'm terrified she will find it someday, because there isn't anything really damaging there, but I do need a medium to air my personal thoughts without being questioned about them. Maybe that'll change someday, but for now that's how I roll.
And we all need a family ditch day from time to time.
Oh, yeah, I know from writing in the middle of the night. Fun times.
Cracked me up big time with your comments about imagining yourself as a very private preson, despite having a public blog on which you say whatever you want. I feel exactly the same way. No, it doesn't really make sense, but I don't really care. If I want to live in an imaginary world, then that's my own business.
Best of luck to you enduring the moratorium. I am picturing you with sunglasses and a hat pulled way down over your face, peeking out from corners and dashing to the next one to remain hidden, kind of like a cartoon superhero running really fast from behind one rock to the next, imagining they're not being seen at all. Good luck to you with that!
Love the picture of Donor with that bag on his balls! Poor guy though.
I don't even know where to start. You are so freaking funny. Okay, you ran a marathon? Sick? How did you do?
The picture of the roads going to those mountains are just stunning. And it sounds like you guys had such a great time! And I sure hope you feel better soon. Having your throat swollen shut doesn't really sound like something I'd want to experience!
Like the idiot that I am, I told everybody about my blog. I really wish I hadn't because I have to censor myself. My biggest critic is not my MIL, though, it's my husband. I should have never told him, so at least there would be one place I'd be free to express myself.
I would never read over anyone's shoulder and I'd be seriously annoyed with anyone who would do that. Then again, I just hide in my office.
My own parents do not know,
My inlaws have some inkling but really have no idea what a blog is.
I have nothing else to say because 5:55am is way too early to be up when you're on maternity leave.
My best friend from back home just called me last week to tell me that my mother-in-law reads my blog.
On the plus side, I probably don't have to worry about going to family get togethers anymore.
Weren't you totally sick the last time your MIL visited? Kind of a thing. Do we need some more premium couch time? Tell me again about your childhood.
My MIL doesn't know about my blog either. I'm sure she'll find out about it some day as my family knows all about it. But I'm trying to keep it from her because once she finds it she's going to comment all the effing time and she won't shut the eff up and she annoys me so much in real life, I don't want to give her the opportunity to bug me online (well other than msn and facebook), too. Gah! Hang in there!
My aunt, with waaaayyy too much time on her hands, managed to find mine. And outed me to my entire family. Then my oh-so-dear husband outed me to his. I'm thinking about starting another that I don't tell anyone about. Just so I can say words like fuck. Wow, feels like I'm in high school all over again.
Best of luck keeping it in the closet. I wish I had been able to.
Yeah, my MIL found my blog and I sorta wanted to die. You know, after I went back and made sure that anything incriminating was sent back to draft status.
I definitely understand your not wanting your family to know about your blog. I have a blog and I can't imagine my family knowing about it and reading it. I think theres a certain level of privacy we all need in our lives...even if thats just on the internet. You need a place to openly vent about family members and the grief they cause you. if your whole family reads your blog, your more apt to not write as much because you are afraid they will see it and such....I totally know how you feel.
Even on facebook, my whole family decided to friend me and it was a nightmare. I friended my dad and brother, but I most definitely blocked them from seeing photos, wall posts and status updates, cause a girl has to have some privacy! Then my grandparents decided they wanted a facebook, but they were just going to put 2 pieces of information on their profile and no picture...I think it was more of a "nosey" plan, so I definitely ignored their friend requests...and I'm glad I did.
I think everyone should have a blog where they can go and vent about family members. Its like therapy...only free....and you can sit in your pajamas in bed for your sessions!
I was anonymous for the first few months before I was outed on a guest post at CopyBlogger that used my real name. I'd never said anything incriminating, but it did all of a sudden make me more mindful. I don't have a mother in law, but there are plenty of things about my own mother I need to keep in check. : > )
Wait, what? You left your husband? I'm so confused. First, I have to keep reminding myself that you are in fact a lady, not a Mr. Then you throw out crazy facts like that. Are you trying to make my head explode?
Hope you feel better and that your MIL's stay is relatively painless.
p.s. I know what you mean about maintaining your privacy on a very public blog. It doesn't make sense, but it does at the same time. And there I go trying to make my head explode. I think I need more coffee....
I wondered where you were because I figured you'd be all over my post on Sleestacks and Space Giants. But then you weren't. (If you don't know what those things are, please don't remind me that I'm older than you are. You and I both love coulottes, so we can't be THAT culturally far apart, right?)
Whistler looks awesome, and I want to see it someday. Preferably with you. And without strep as a ride-along.
Good luck hiding your computer in your closet for the duration, and then explaining that you're trying to fix the cable tv yourself....
Holy shit. That rundown was damn impressive. If you can do all that Mr. Lady, you can do anything! Strep throat feeling, mother-in-law dealing, marathon running (WHAAA????), Whistler trip going, American Idol recap writing, vasectomy supporting, track-meet in rain sitting, WHO ARE YOU???
Geeeeeeez....
Congrats or uh, good luck, or uh, take a friggin' NAP for like a month.
Yeah, I've done the all-day-sick-as-a-dog track meet thing. Not fun. Congrats on surviving.
My entire family, all of my inlaws, everyone at church, parents from Graham's school, MY PASTOR...all read my blog.
Big. Fat. Sigh.
I totally get the whole I-Don't-Want-People-To-KNOW-About-This-Even-Though-It-Is-Public-Thing. Because I am so there. And if I want to rock and roll all night and party E-Ver-Y Day, I don't want my people to know about it. Not that I rock, roll, OR party, of course, but I thought you might like the KISS reference. Feel better soon.
Get well soon.
Love the picture of donor/mom. how wholesome yet disturbing.
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl/boy was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2 She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair.. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Don’t forget your mom on Sunday... and give her a kiss from me....
Hold the phone...you run? Granted, I've only been reading you for a couple of months now and this is offically only my second comment (I'm blog-shy!) but tell me more about running, yo. I'm a runner and you know how crazy us running-people get around other running-people. Do share!
Like woa.
I made the mistake of telling my mom. Now I can't bitch about her. Or her little precious baby, my brother. Or anyone really.
OH how I would like to bitch about my mom on my blog.
My cousins found it on Facebook and one straight up bitch cousin decided to write comments blasting Obama (because she knows I love me some Obama.) And now I hate her, but I already did... so whatever. My family is the complete opposite of supportive.
Anyway, I understand.
Ah. So you're getting lots of sleep and are well rested I see.
Hope life's back to normal soon!
Bah, you call THAT outed?
youre awesome. hang in there!
Oooh! That first pic IS disconcerting... Love the peas.
That picture of your MIL and husband on the couch is both sweet and disturbing. Also hilarioous.
I was really quite miffed at the American Idol judges last night. And when I say miffed? I mean fiery inferno death furious.
I made the mistake of having a very open blog with family. Now I find that every. single. day. I have to edit what i really would love to shout to the world.
Fuck me.
BWAh.
Dood, you're awesome and that's outed, but still in ;-) LOL
That sucks, dood. Obviously, everything doesn't revolve around my world, but it should, and I wanted to get you drunk.
Yeah... my MIL knows about my blog, and sometimes that totally bums me out. I still don't know how it happened. I have a rule, though. She is never allowed to talk to me or ask me any questions about anything I write on the blog. She wants to be my friend on Facebook, and I won't do it. She's still pissed about it, but I don't care. :)
Wait. You lost me after the word mara-fucking-thon. No seriously.
Strep throat sucks.rotten.eggs. but I still want an open mouthed birthday kiss. It's only 9:25 pm here, so I figure it's what? 5:25 there? You have until midnight. Or whenever you get this. And I'm pimping your favorite etsy site. Just thought you'd want to know.
I don't think my Mother in Law knows my name...
My husband is following me on Twitter. Does this freak me the hell out? Yes. Because now I can't bitch about him OR the Diva.
Why yes, I am on swine flu medication. I mean cold medication. And I am drinking vodka. Because I turned 46 today.
AND my car got bashed in the high school parking lot. BASHED. And the asshole ran. No note. Which means my first insurance claim ever. On my fucking birthday.
Now I'm going to have a cigarette.
Sigh.
My parents know I have a blog, but since neither had Internet, I'm safe. My MIL and both SILS know and that's cool. My brother doesn't know and I want to keep it that way since he would be the one to give me untold grief over it.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
[quote] And then I sent my 68 year old mother in law and my mutilated husband and the children I am no longer capable of replacing off to strap harnesses around their special bits and slide on wires over ravines which loom in the fathoms below. [/quote]
This made me laugh, very hard. I hope you enjoy her visit because I know you ultimately do enjoy them. Ugh. I miss you palpably, sister.
I am not anti clorophiling old ladies to keep this blog running regularly. just so you know. Besides you could always "visit" seattle and "forget" her in belltown. Yay I'm a problem solver. I am also not entirely sober whilst writing this.
That scenery shot was awesome. When I started my Blog my first mistake was telling my Husband. He put my link on FACEBOOK....beat that!..Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to write now? I have NO idea how many people I actually know read it. Which REALLY pisses me off cos I like to BITCH about people,dammit. If I could bear it I'd shut it down and start again, but its taken ages to get as little comments as I do now! lol.
You are totally hardcore.
And The Donor is a pussy. MPS went grocery shopping straight after his snip, AFTER he assisted the doc after the nurse fainted. He says it is because the enormity of his member but I think he probably farted.
And now I know why you don't call me anymore, it is cause you are Tanis' bitch now.
Think my last comment got eaten. Anyway, I'm with you on not sharing the blog with family. I've never disrespected anyone close to me, but I still prefer to keep my blog separate from close friends and family. Kinda regard it as my private thought repository. The blogosphere is someplace where people can get to know me without really knowing me. And yet I don't live in fear of someone discovering it.
So I finally did let my Outlaws and Babymomma know about my blog. Big step, you know. Lots of friends follow and write (without leaving comments on the blog- friggin lurkers) about how it shows sensitivity and all that other horseshit.
None of them have read it. Not even once. One of them even has her own blog and is a big time celebrity here.
It's kind of cool in a way. I threw the cards down on the table- a mere 2 of a kind, but in my book a winning hand. Everone else seems to have folded. I think a worry may be that it is so anti climactic.
Cheers
Peter
petercrizzoiv.blogspot.com
My brother knew I had a blog and asked me for the name. I told him I didnt want to give it to him since it was private. The other day, he sends me an aim message in which he cut and paste my blog name to the message. I asked him what he was trying to prove. He googled my name and kids names and got my blog. Great. now thinking that i may have to remove my kids names. urgh. i dont get why people just want to ivade privacy sometimes.
Family ditch day sounds awesome! I'm totally going to do that...
Anyways, it sounds to me like you need a stiff drink and some time away from monster in law. Take your computer to the nearest wifi cafe (too bad they don't have bar wifi, huh?) and let it all out, sweetie!
YOU are beautiful... just checked out your tweeters... (whatever the heck THAT is).. and you are incredible!
Today we had midterms at school (I'm a culinary school student) and I thought my day / week was tough.
It get's better. Truly!
Cheers.
I'm just so impressed that you have strep, went to a marathon, on a trip and to a track meet. When I get strep, nobody better even ruffle my bed covers or I'll come unhinged.
Do me a favor, if I ever threaten to kick your ass--you know, even in jest--remind me of what a tough bitch you really are. And of the fact that you can TOTALLY outrun me if I try to get away!
It feels like a person a day finds my blog lately ... a person a day that I never wanted to find it I should say. My MIL was just here for a week. I put my laptop in a suitcase along w/my bloggy business cards and every sex toy we own and stored all of it in the garage. As far as I know she never found any of it. In that case she A) Still doesn't know about Twenty Four At Heart and B) Still believes her son is a virgin.