;)
Monday
Jun012009
They Say The Sea Is Cold
Monday, June 1, 2009 at 12:23PM
...but the sea contains the hottest blood of all, and the wildest, and the most urgent.
*ahem*
I almost bought a bikini on Friday.
The weather has taken a turn for the fucking delightful up here in the great white north, and that of course means we spent the weekend submerged. On Saturday we went to the oh-my-god-my-head-still-hurts brand spanking new indoor pool of pure glee with waterslides and waves pools and hot tubs and baby hot tubs and spray guns that any old kid can use to take your eyes out. It was fairly epic. Except that it was fairly epic for all of 30 minutes for the 11 year old and then he was forced to go all emo, and it was total heaven for the three year old who isn't quite big enough just yet to sustain the force of a wave pool, but *just* big enough to want to do it BY MYOWNSELF MAWM so she now has a full grasp of the meaning of the word undertow, and enough chlorine in her tummy to sterilize her pee until she's 32.
The 9 year old was in pure, nothing to complain about heaven. For once in his life. So there's that.
We bought these giant blowup ridey thingies that I underestimated both the size and the blowupedyness of, and I also underestimated the amount of charge left in my portable air pump. I also have greatly underestimated the toll that 10 years of on and off smoking has had on my lungs, and halfway into blowing into a green dragon's special places I am pretty sure I saw God. But I got those things inflated, dammit. And then one popped, one kept tipping over and one was crimpin' someones style, so some little 2 year old at the pool had a hayday with our abandoned toys and I think I may need to go to church now.
I think my point was that I didn't have a swimsuit that still allowed circulation to my legs, so I had to go hunt one down. And I found three. One of which was not just a two piece but a two piece bikini. The one and only time I've even been able to get my so-white-you-can-see-through-it fat ass into a bikini was the summer that I met The Donor, and I was good and knocked up within minutes of that day at the pool, thanks to some really awesome abs and Clueless on network tv after. To each his own, yo.
I have not magically shrunken; in fact, I still have about 50 pounds of baby weight from that pregnancy to lose still and I'm thinking that after 11 years, I can stop waiting for the breastfeeding to burn off the pounds everyone told me it would. Dirty liars. What I think I have done is come to terms with these thighs and the abdomen that looks like a vagina and realized that if I can't fight it, I might as well join it. And then I found a bikini that was cut for a woman. Who's cranked out a colony of children. And has flipped the gym one choice finger. And has learned to love truffles. And I do mean love.
So I almost bought it, except that my National Geographic boobs have no interest at all in staying inside something that doesn't come with barbed-under-wire, and so I went with two tankinis. That I actually looked pretty freaking hot it. Well, maybe that's a bit extreme. I certainly thought I looked pretty hot in them.
But it turns out that I actually looked like one of those enormous mother whales who lie dreaming suckling their whale-tender young.
Which didn't matter in the least to me, because for some reason *coughmedscough* I thought I looked a bit o' alright, good enough in fact to go to the beach the next day in the other one, and actually walk around in that swimsuit, sans circus tent to cover it up with. And then I came home, edited my pictures and realized why I felt like I looked okay. Because next to this, who cares what I look like.
*ahem*
I almost bought a bikini on Friday.
The weather has taken a turn for the fucking delightful up here in the great white north, and that of course means we spent the weekend submerged. On Saturday we went to the oh-my-god-my-head-still-hurts brand spanking new indoor pool of pure glee with waterslides and waves pools and hot tubs and baby hot tubs and spray guns that any old kid can use to take your eyes out. It was fairly epic. Except that it was fairly epic for all of 30 minutes for the 11 year old and then he was forced to go all emo, and it was total heaven for the three year old who isn't quite big enough just yet to sustain the force of a wave pool, but *just* big enough to want to do it BY MYOWNSELF MAWM so she now has a full grasp of the meaning of the word undertow, and enough chlorine in her tummy to sterilize her pee until she's 32.
The 9 year old was in pure, nothing to complain about heaven. For once in his life. So there's that.
We bought these giant blowup ridey thingies that I underestimated both the size and the blowupedyness of, and I also underestimated the amount of charge left in my portable air pump. I also have greatly underestimated the toll that 10 years of on and off smoking has had on my lungs, and halfway into blowing into a green dragon's special places I am pretty sure I saw God. But I got those things inflated, dammit. And then one popped, one kept tipping over and one was crimpin' someones style, so some little 2 year old at the pool had a hayday with our abandoned toys and I think I may need to go to church now.
I think my point was that I didn't have a swimsuit that still allowed circulation to my legs, so I had to go hunt one down. And I found three. One of which was not just a two piece but a two piece bikini. The one and only time I've even been able to get my so-white-you-can-see-through-it fat ass into a bikini was the summer that I met The Donor, and I was good and knocked up within minutes of that day at the pool, thanks to some really awesome abs and Clueless on network tv after. To each his own, yo.
I have not magically shrunken; in fact, I still have about 50 pounds of baby weight from that pregnancy to lose still and I'm thinking that after 11 years, I can stop waiting for the breastfeeding to burn off the pounds everyone told me it would. Dirty liars. What I think I have done is come to terms with these thighs and the abdomen that looks like a vagina and realized that if I can't fight it, I might as well join it. And then I found a bikini that was cut for a woman. Who's cranked out a colony of children. And has flipped the gym one choice finger. And has learned to love truffles. And I do mean love.
So I almost bought it, except that my National Geographic boobs have no interest at all in staying inside something that doesn't come with barbed-under-wire, and so I went with two tankinis. That I actually looked pretty freaking hot it. Well, maybe that's a bit extreme. I certainly thought I looked pretty hot in them.
But it turns out that I actually looked like one of those enormous mother whales who lie dreaming suckling their whale-tender young.
Which didn't matter in the least to me, because for some reason *coughmedscough* I thought I looked a bit o' alright, good enough in fact to go to the beach the next day in the other one, and actually walk around in that swimsuit, sans circus tent to cover it up with. And then I came home, edited my pictures and realized why I felt like I looked okay. Because next to this, who cares what I look like.
and Venus among the fishes skips and is a she-dolphin
she is the gay, delighted porpoise sporting with love and the sea
she is the female tunny-fish, round and happy among the males
and dense with happy blood, dark rainbow bliss in the sea.
~With apologizes to DH Lawrence. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be to roll over in that grave.
The rest of the beach pictures are on FlickR. And they really don't suck.
Reader Comments (54)
If you're a whale, you're the hottest whale I've seen. Well, except Willy from Free Willy.
I think that 1st picture is all kinds of hot.
i.fucking.love.this.blog.
Amen.
p.s. you are gorgeous, rock whatever suit you decide to buy.
p.p.s. your "view" of the indoor pool activities cracks me the hell up!
happy day to you!
Butt Crack: it's not just for plumbers anymore. Oh. And? Add *the boots* and you're hotter than ever. ;-)
Dude. We SANK SO HARD. What the hell happened?! I FORGOT!!! You're supposed to be keeping me accountable! SHANNON!!
I'd kill to rock a tankini like that. Wait, do they even make such things in my size?
Oh so bet you looked hot in your wet suits! *wink*
You look great in the tankini!
Oh, Mr Lady I do love you so. And sorry, a little extra flab or no, you're one HOT Mr Lady. No wonder The Donor knocked you up. Thrice.
Thank you every so muchly for the chuckles on a grey and rainy (both without and within) day.
hot hot mamma!!
Swim naked. At least that way you are guaranteed to have a slot of your own personal space without people, you know, bugging you.
i want to know where you found that suit. because after i try on 3, i'm done shopping for days. my monkey doesn't understand it, given how much we love to shop. i tell her it's because i'm depressed. and fat. never a good combination.
I got kind of distracted by "blowupedyness." Which is actually kind of how I feel. But I'm still wearing a bikini.
Excuse me Miss. You're killing that kid.
Based on the pictures, I think you are just shamelessly asking for compliments! :) I wish I looked that hot after just one child.
blowupedyness is my new favorite word.
I think you look fantastic!!
Well. I think you look great. And I think you already know that. ;) Let´s just say you won´t be seeing pics of me in a bathing suit of ANY kind on my blog anytime soon.
I'd leave Mr. Hot for you, but I don't think The Donor would let me in your door.
What color is that tankini?
I think you look great. I would never wear a bikini for the same reasons!!
Breastfeeding totally took off my baby weight. But then I weaned and continued consuming the 700 extra calories a day and that baby weight found me again. And brought friends.
Either way, I think you look great. And I heart tankinis.
I just put on a suit that covered the illegal parts and tried to ignore the white, lumpy thighs and jiggly upper arms. I know I don't look as BAD as some of the moms. That's my goal: to not be the flabbiest at the pool. Whooot.....
Also, tankinis seem to creep up and show my worst asset: the 3 inches of wrinkled skin that my 3 children have bestowed upon my stomach.
Everytime we go to any kind of public pool or waterpark I see women 5 times your size trying to rock all kinds of way too small swimwear that shows off more rolls and cellulite than I would ever want to see in 100 lifetimes. I think you are being too hard on yourself. You look fabulous for having had three kids. It's hard losing all the baby weight. I finally lost all of mine 8 years after the birth of my youngest. Wanna know how I did it? I pretty much eat one meal and drink like 10 cups of coffee daily. Oh yeah and I smoke. I'm pretty sure that shit is going to catch up with me someday. Even after losing all the weight, my stomach still looks like it needs a good ironing. I wear the bikini and figure anyone that doesn't like what they see can look somewhere else.
Whale my freaking *insert ass here. Please. *
I also have greatly underestimated the toll that 10 years of on and off smoking has had on my lungs, and halfway into blowing into a green dragon’s special places I am pretty sure I saw God.
Annnnd I just laughed so hard my husband walked into the room to see what I was reading. Now he's laughing. We're officially fans.
Oh, and it totally helps to get a boob job. Then when you complain about your stomach looking like it needs ironed, people reply with "What??? I didn't even realize you had a stomach." It pretty much makes the bottom two thirds of your body invisible.
I'm 5 years postpartum and still holding onto 50 pounds of baby weight. You looks f*cking awesome.
as a fellow smoker I say WTF were you thinking? I couldn't blow myself out if I were on fire. You're lucky your eye didn't pop.
And, bitch, you look hot. so SHUT IT!
you look gorgeous!!!
Oh, and Sugarpants? We say fuck here, oh yes we do. Consider this your fuck sanctuary. For saying it, not doing it. You'll have to see Avitable for that.
you look so great. Seriously, the nosering matches the tankini beautifully. ;oD
Great to see the emo-almost-teen smiling!
T.
DOOD. I freaking love you and your hot bikini/tankini body.
Even if you do smoke. *squinty eyes to you and Anissa*
Come visit me. I LIVE at the beach. And I live near Heather. Bring Tanis. We'll have a four way love fest. Take that HOWEVER you wish.
xoxo
you look fabulous. I wish I looked as good as you!!
Look at you prancing around in your fucking bathing suit.
Damn you for being so hawt.
DAMN YOUUUUUU!
Man, too bad I can't get into Canada anymore cuz I wanna go to the beach too! I got myself a sassy little tankini too. That I actually wore in public. *gasp*
Awesome pictures....love 3of3 on the beach. So sweet. My little one does the ol' one cheek sneak too.
The first picture is about 27 shades of hot.
50 lbs? only if you drop the kid you're holding.
You're hot. period.
I WISH!
Man, my offer to make out with you still stands. Hott, dude. And the kids, of course, are adorable.
You look great. And I love the tankini top. It's all I wear now that my stomach has flaps on it thanks to all the extra skin. Pregnancy, you're a mo'fo on the body.
Your blog is a "fuck sanctuary" ?? hahahaha! Best thing I ever read. I was going to make a comment on the post itself but fuck that. I'm gonna say fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Ok, now I can go to bed.
You are nowhere near whale proportions my dear! You look sexy in that tank top, trust me! :) It's all about the attitude. If you feel good wearing it, it will definitely be projected. A wonderful outlook, a healthy attitude of positivity will do more wonders that any sexy, tummy flattening, boob-containing swimsuit ever will.
Glad to know I'm not the only one sporting an extra 50! Whatever. It is what it is. You're rockin the tankini. I must look into one of those for my trip to the beach this summer. I'm working up the nerve to lose the no-elastic, faded tank-with-a-dress-on-top that I've been sporting the last two years. Hubs won't love it (he wants me to lose 30 pounds), but if he wants to *hit that* he'll keep his yap shutuntil I do, now won't he!
way to go gorgous. Oh and all my friends love the quote.
Holy crap! Can I just say Hot!?! Also enjoy the kids while they let you. Sweet.
You're pretty fucking hot.
Everyone else said how HOTT you are (with an extra T), so I'll just add that my son has a inflatable drive-through car wash that I could seriously use some help with.
(Although, I hear a certain Redneck Mommy is good at blowing things. Maybe she could help us both?) ;)
Do I need to add my lil' ol' comment to join in the chorus of " you look hots"?
Oh yes I do!!!!
You look HOT!!
:-)
Thank you so much for daily doses of smothering my screaming tear-inducing laughter with my hand so the baby doesn't wake up. I look forward to reading you all the time. Also, thank you for blogging exactly the way you talk. It's nice to know that mommies still use the word fuck.
OK SISTA Thanks a lot. Now I have to squeeze my mamafat into a kini and tell the troop the beach is actually open. Show my 30 something ass off to the public? hmmmmmm.... THEN I will actually pretend that im having fun. Because you pulled it off so fucking well. My kids should thank you.
yo, it's all good. what you want. there are moments when i truly enjoy being at peace with my body and being a little on the flab side and feeling comfortable...like this is what i am supposed to be at this age.
but then i realize i'd love to see myself a bit more toned, more shapely.
not like the best looking apple. and yes, my kids want me to be slim and strong, so that's what i'm hoping to be. plus it would take all the wt. off my poor knees.
and my blood pressure would go down.
and i'd feel like i can walk a long trail when they are teenagers and not pass out.
that's what i am working toward - BETTER HEALTH!
beach looks good, you look good.
I love the pictures! And girl, you are so pretty you make those suits ROCK! You could NEVER make a suit look bad, and you could never look bad in a suit.