Thursday
Jun112009
This Is Going To Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 12:42PM | Mr Lady
When my boys were little, pre video games, pre going to the park with friends, when it was just them and me and a lifetime of time, we used to play this little game my mother played with us when we were little. I'd take my shirt off, lay on the floor, and have them write letters on my back with their fingers. I'd try to guess the letters, and even when I knew I always guessed wrong because there is no greater feeling in the world than outsmarting your mom.
Not only did they learn to write the alphabet really fast, but I got a little baby massage out of the deal. Win tothefucking win, yo.
When they started to bore with that game, we upped the ante. I'd get down to my chonies, lay on the floor and give them ball point pens or sharpies. They'd give me tattoos. They'd usually start with my fish and "finish" them, and then they'd go out from there. By the end, I had a full body tattoo, I'd blown at least an hour, if not two, and my kids had sugarplum wishes and ice cream dreams of being tattoo artists when they grow up. Because there is no greater feeling than having your kids understand that there's something more to art than painting or sculpting, that it comes in all shapes and sizes and needle gauges.
And damn it, that shit felt awesome. And it annoyed the holy fuck out of my husband. Win tothemotherfucking win, yo.
Downside? Kind of hard to explain at work the next day.
So when I asked them last night to come mark and measure my back for my tattoo at BlogHer, I thought nothing at all of it. Seems par for the course, right? Funny how you forget that what seems like exactly just yesterday with your kids can actually be fairly close to a decade ago and they've got Pokemon cheat codes and Green Day lyrics and french grocery lists to store in their brains...they can't be bothered to remember some totally endearing childhood moments or anything. They about died when I told them what I needed them to do. I reminded them that they used to do this all the time with me and they both looked at me like I was an insane person.
Like they're the first or something. Pshaw.
So I bribed them. They accepted my terms and I started to take my shirt off. My 11 years old's eyeballs turned and began to claw their way back into his skull. My 9 year old lept, LEPT backwards. I said look, dudes. You see my in my chonies all the time and they said ohmygod ewwwww mom! and I said you know what? It's the exact same thing as a swimsuit exactly and the 11 year old said okay, I'll keep telling myself that.
{Note for Future 1of3 and 2of3: The reason it is so frightening to see me in a swimsuit or my chonies is that YOU DID THIS TO ME. I looked like a blond Megan Fox before I opted to give you life, and you made me gain 105 pounds and they you made me gain 80 pounds, and it was totally worth it, so shut up. Momma loves you.}
Once the measuring tapes and the ink pens and the schematics came out, they were fine. They got right down to business and did a fantastic job making and marking all the right measurements, and then I made them take pictures of said back to send to my designer. They have never been so happy in their whole lives, partly because they got to use the big, new camera and partly because there is no greater way to humiliate their mother than taking photographs of her almost totally naked. Because you know she's just going to plaster them all over the freaking internet.
Trying to lose some weight for summer, but don't have the right motivation? Have my boys come take pictures of you in all your saggy-backed glory under halogen track lights. You'll go throw up right that second and start the hardest diet and exercise routine of your life the next morning. Or drown your sorrows in cheesecake. Either way, win tothe win, yo.
PS: if you need a tattoo designer say, oh, for a tattoo you want to get at BlogHer, leave a comment and I'll send you his email. You wouldn't believe how good he is.
PPS: If even one of you tells me I look hot, or you'd kill for a back like that, I will punch you square in the teeth. I am 5'4". And I cropped the ass out.
PPPS: Grab the badge. Just sayin'.
Not only did they learn to write the alphabet really fast, but I got a little baby massage out of the deal. Win tothefucking win, yo.
When they started to bore with that game, we upped the ante. I'd get down to my chonies, lay on the floor and give them ball point pens or sharpies. They'd give me tattoos. They'd usually start with my fish and "finish" them, and then they'd go out from there. By the end, I had a full body tattoo, I'd blown at least an hour, if not two, and my kids had sugarplum wishes and ice cream dreams of being tattoo artists when they grow up. Because there is no greater feeling than having your kids understand that there's something more to art than painting or sculpting, that it comes in all shapes and sizes and needle gauges.
And damn it, that shit felt awesome. And it annoyed the holy fuck out of my husband. Win tothemotherfucking win, yo.
Downside? Kind of hard to explain at work the next day.
So when I asked them last night to come mark and measure my back for my tattoo at BlogHer, I thought nothing at all of it. Seems par for the course, right? Funny how you forget that what seems like exactly just yesterday with your kids can actually be fairly close to a decade ago and they've got Pokemon cheat codes and Green Day lyrics and french grocery lists to store in their brains...they can't be bothered to remember some totally endearing childhood moments or anything. They about died when I told them what I needed them to do. I reminded them that they used to do this all the time with me and they both looked at me like I was an insane person.
Like they're the first or something. Pshaw.
So I bribed them. They accepted my terms and I started to take my shirt off. My 11 years old's eyeballs turned and began to claw their way back into his skull. My 9 year old lept, LEPT backwards. I said look, dudes. You see my in my chonies all the time and they said ohmygod ewwwww mom! and I said you know what? It's the exact same thing as a swimsuit exactly and the 11 year old said okay, I'll keep telling myself that.
{Note for Future 1of3 and 2of3: The reason it is so frightening to see me in a swimsuit or my chonies is that YOU DID THIS TO ME. I looked like a blond Megan Fox before I opted to give you life, and you made me gain 105 pounds and they you made me gain 80 pounds, and it was totally worth it, so shut up. Momma loves you.}
Once the measuring tapes and the ink pens and the schematics came out, they were fine. They got right down to business and did a fantastic job making and marking all the right measurements, and then I made them take pictures of said back to send to my designer. They have never been so happy in their whole lives, partly because they got to use the big, new camera and partly because there is no greater way to humiliate their mother than taking photographs of her almost totally naked. Because you know she's just going to plaster them all over the freaking internet.
Trying to lose some weight for summer, but don't have the right motivation? Have my boys come take pictures of you in all your saggy-backed glory under halogen track lights. You'll go throw up right that second and start the hardest diet and exercise routine of your life the next morning. Or drown your sorrows in cheesecake. Either way, win tothe win, yo.
PS: if you need a tattoo designer say, oh, for a tattoo you want to get at BlogHer, leave a comment and I'll send you his email. You wouldn't believe how good he is.
PPS: If even one of you tells me I look hot, or you'd kill for a back like that, I will punch you square in the teeth. I am 5'4". And I cropped the ass out.
PPPS: Grab the badge. Just sayin'.
Reader Comments (111)
If I say you're hot and let you hold the baby on Saturday will that let me keep my teeth?
:)
If anything, I see a couple good tenderloins and ribeyes there. Where are my fava beans?
You do make the tat invite tempting. Tempting... when is the inking scheduled?
@Nicole, No, but it will help.
@Tara R., it's all weekend long, whenever you book.
@BusyDad, FUCK YOU.
@Mr Lady, So saying you're hot and letting you hold the baby will still make me lose my teeth, but HE can call you a couple of pieces of meat (and mention fava beans - ew) and just get a "Fuck you" out of it?
Pffft.
How big of a reakin' tattoo are you getting?!?!?
I got a ticket to Blogher today, so I'm official, FYI!
@Mr Lady,
OMG keyboard in mouth. Was referring to skillful butchershop diagram. Cow reference? that was just unintended and oh so Curb Your Enthusiasm-esque.
@Nicole, he's a mixed martial arts fighter. I try to punch him in the teeth, he breaks my nose.
I'm holding that baby regardless, just so you know. Perhaps the entire time
Okay, you finally did it. I got NOTHING to say.
@Jill, THAT big. Squee.
@Audubon Ron, I never thought I'd see the day. :)
@BusyDad, sure you were. :)
@Mr Lady, The Donor is going to have one hell of a surprise on his hands when you get back, isn't he?
So, you are covering your WHOLE back with a tatoo? What about the little fishie?? Any hint for us at all???
The trick is to wear your bra lower across the middle of your back - the back boobs will totally disappear!
@Jill, he's already having the divorce papers drawn up. :)
@robina, sorta kinda. And nope, not telling. It's a secret.
@April, but then my knees will disappear too, behind my front boobs. I'll take the back boobs.
i want to see your ass at blogher!! alas, i am not going.
stomp of foot. flip of hair.
Do you ever watch Miami Ink or LA Ink? Full back tattooes take for freakin' EVER. You won't even be able to attend any Blogher events. It might be easier if it is all one color, but still YIKES. And I don't even want to know what my back would look like in a similar picture. I too am 5'4" and freakishly short waisted. And I tragically cannot attend Blogher because I will be torturing myself the week before in Texas, in JULY at a work conference. BAH.
Holy crap I want a tattoo so badly. I'm going to have to live vicariously though you since I am A. not going to BlogHer and B. Have a blog that has been updated like twice yo and C. I'm 20 and the last time I called home and asked if my parents would still love me if I got a tattoo my dad said no. and D. I'm a Jew. and apparently tattoos are a big no no.
But holy crap I want one. SO BADLY. I want 12. All over. Starting with the one I have planned for my left wrist. and right foot. Damnit. just post pictures of everyone's tattoos ok?
Wait. Does that tattoo say something about swinging asses?
(duck)(run)(fast)(I have longer legs)
I won't see you at BlogHer so....you look hot!
Aha! We really ARE twins! I have those EXACT same stretch marks AND back boobs. Life is so sweet right now!
Dude I'm not gonna be at blogher, but I am totally going to the people's party. Also Back tat's take for-ever! Mine is vines all over and it took 11 hours.
And I won't say you're hot (you are) but I will say Holly Shit Yo! Your back waist is only 11.5 inches?!? You suck! But in a good way.
How far is the ink shop from Chicago X? I might have to stop in and get something small just to commemorate the occasion.
Your totally awesome back boobs are nicer than my not-awesome-at-all chest boobs.
Haha, I love this story. Can't wait to see the finished product after the conference ;)
@Mr Lady, Well, I guess if he broke your nose, you wouldn't be as hot anymore.
And if you want to hold her the entire time, you'rre on diaper duty. And she may insist that you lactate.
I find it hard to believe your boys are so worried about seeing you half naked. Mine doesn't think anything of it unless he's in his underwear.
Have fun with the tat. I don't get it the appeal, but enjoy.
Obligitory Justin Timberlake reference...
Oh do I love you and your tat back. :)
@Mr Lady, If I say you are hot and let you hold ME, will that help? :P
Me, me, me! I want his email address.
Also, if I take pictures of MY back and send them to him will he design the tattoo with my back rolls in mind? Like they design book pages so as not to lose part of the picture in the binding? Just sayin'. That would rock.
You've given me some ideas ;-) I remember when Princess was about 14 months old, we left her with her godfather, who has full sleeves and more... when we came to get her, she was in her diaper covered in sharpie tats: "just like unca daden" she told us.
I LOVED it!!
I can't wait to see your completed tat and hope I'll be able to go along for the ride, even if I can't get one of my own.
Now running off to have someone take a pic of me in my bra so that I'll be motivated to quit eating, put down the beer and start workin' out.
Thanks.
<3
i love your crazy life.
and your realness.
can't wait to see your ink.
wish i was goin' to BlogHer!
LMAO! This is the shizzle.
I have a feeling you're going to have a GREAT time at blogger. :D
I can't wait to hug you on Saturday. That is all.
Hey! Those are some swingin' sexy hips. I'd totally switch teams for a feel.
I love that they freaked out.
i had my pictures taken by my kids without much on. they were game.
but trust me, your back looks so much hotter than my back.
PS, not sure if i like the new feature of your replies posted with comments. bc it's kinda hard to scroll through. i've always enjoyed reading what other people wrote back to back, just saying. your blog tho, i'm just a humble reader.
Funny, in that picture it doesn't look like back boobs, it looks like your ribs. Awesome hourglass you've got going on there.
As a mother who's gone up through the ranks in bra sizes over the years, I can tell you with 100% assurance that IF you do move up to a 38, your boobies will thank you! And, if you go with an underwire that has wider back wing things, your back fat will magically *disappear*. Wa-la!
And, if you've had back pain at all from the weight of the magical boobies, if you go up a size, it will make such a difference in any back pain you might/may have had. Better than a Flexeril with a Cosmo chaser.
I speak from the voice of experience. Now that I'm at that wondrous size of 40, it's no longer any fun. I loved being in the 30's. Even 38 doesn't look that much different on the bra tag than 36, which to me, is PERFECT. You can always do what I do, and snip the size tag off the item. No one needs to know, sshhhhh.
Bring the punches chika because I always thought you where hot. RAAWR.
My sister's back boobs were bigger than her front boobs...in her WEDDING DRESS!!!!! I have the picture to blackmail...I mean prove it!
divorce, steak, whole back tattoo's, chicago, man I want to go! Can't wait to see the finished photo, or photo's :P...have a rockin' time at blogher!
Damn it, I wish I were going this year. I got my tattoo anyway, but it would have been way more fun with a crowd. I can't wait to see yours.
You waist-to-ass ratio is phenomenal, dood. I wish I had a curve going like that. Something to make the young ones say 'ba-BOW!' or something like so.