Thursday
Jun182009
Horny House-Web-Copy-Writer Just Doesn't Have Any Kind Of Ring To It. At All.
Thursday, June 18, 2009 at 3:13AM | Mr Lady
I'm attempting to become more organized, dare I say professional? in my real life. I have a Blackberry now, which has only been lost three times and has only had one near-fatal injury in the two months it's been with me.
Nothing to worry about, though. I'm pretty good at fixing broken technology.
And I can change my own oil.
So the Blackberry is clearly not making me More Professional, but iCalendar sure is. Every night, I sit down and I plug in all the shit I have to get done the next day, and that syncs to my phone and that buzzes like a gaggle of hornets in my pocket every time I forget to do something, and if Blackberry offered a small electric shock with every calendar reminder, I'd be the most effective person in the whole world, or at least have the tallest hair.
I've started working part time, from home, which is so ludicrously impossible I can't even tell you but my daughter has figured out that when momma is "doin' hers woik*" she can pretty much do whatever she wants, and whatever she wants usually ends up being testing the laws of gravity, thermodynamics and common sense with little more than all of the good toilet paper and the only clean toilet in the house. I suppose my income could go to paying for daycare, but it's so much more fun to fork it all over to the plumber, right? You hardly get to see any ass-crack at daycare these days.
Taking this job has meant that I've had to give up a few other things, and obviously this blog has been one of them, but I've also put washing (insert your choice of the dishes/our laundry/my children/the baseboards/myself/all of the above) on the backburner just until I find my feet and get into the flow of being gainfully employed again. But thank god for that iCalendar, man. That bitch is keeping me on task.
Like, how it reminded me yesterday that I actually paid good money to go to a Storytelling seminar tonight in Gastown with, um, this guy?
Yeah, that guy. And those are just the books I could find in this pigsty. And by reminding me, it reminded me to totally inconvenience my neighbor at the very last possible second by making her babysit for me. No wonder she's moving away.
I'm just about as excited for this thing as I was a few weeks ago when I went to hear Chuck Palahniuk tell a few stories and sign a few books, which was awesome because ohmygodseriously, Chuck to the Palahniuk people, and awesomely horrifying because getting the Teen Girl Squad** together is a whole lot like mixing the most ridiculously cute baking soda and the silliest vinegar together.
Which actually isn't horrifying at all to the people doing it, in fact it's kind of rad and we want to do it all the time, but it's apparently fairly traumatic for the 20-something angsty I-drink-soy-chai-and-smoke-cloves wanna-be writer who had to sit near us. Someday, woman, your uterus is going to betray you, and hard, and karma will remember us and your big steaming hot bag of scorn and I will be standing right there when it happens saying NEENER NEENER and also asking you to shut your kid the fuck up with my eyes and the better part of the left side of my body.
And since I've been all on this Going Out For The Night But Calling It Professional Development Because I've Duped The Donor Into Thinking I'm Kind Of A Big Deal On The Internet kick, when in reality the only person I'm a big deal to on the internet is the operator of of little eBay store where they sell my favorite and impossible to find elsewhere girl's dresses and I assure you, I am a very big deal to that woman, I'm thinking about going to the Chicks Who Click conference in Vancouver at the end of June. Because seriously, if going to a conference is what it takes for me to get out of this house for the day, sign me the fuck up, yo. Hell, I still have my Leia outfit, and they have Star Con up here, don't they?
But sadly enough, while I'm all busy trying to justify reading Fight Club for the purposes of writing corporate web copy, which now that I say it out loud actually makes a good deal of sense, my daughter is just about to get fired from the only job she's ever had. A job which, mind you, pays her in outfits. And she's getting fired simply because she grew, so I think I'm going to demand some workmen's comp, which I imagine will get paid out in capri's and halter tops.
But lucky for us, we have two photo shoots this month and even though I'm so busy stalking crazy gay men all over Vancouver to, oh, I don't know, read the manual that came with my camera, the first of our photo shoots turned out pretty freaking magnificently, if I do say so myself.
Nothing to worry about, though. I'm pretty good at fixing broken technology.
And I can change my own oil.
So the Blackberry is clearly not making me More Professional, but iCalendar sure is. Every night, I sit down and I plug in all the shit I have to get done the next day, and that syncs to my phone and that buzzes like a gaggle of hornets in my pocket every time I forget to do something, and if Blackberry offered a small electric shock with every calendar reminder, I'd be the most effective person in the whole world, or at least have the tallest hair.
I've started working part time, from home, which is so ludicrously impossible I can't even tell you but my daughter has figured out that when momma is "doin' hers woik*" she can pretty much do whatever she wants, and whatever she wants usually ends up being testing the laws of gravity, thermodynamics and common sense with little more than all of the good toilet paper and the only clean toilet in the house. I suppose my income could go to paying for daycare, but it's so much more fun to fork it all over to the plumber, right? You hardly get to see any ass-crack at daycare these days.
Taking this job has meant that I've had to give up a few other things, and obviously this blog has been one of them, but I've also put washing (insert your choice of the dishes/our laundry/my children/the baseboards/myself/all of the above) on the backburner just until I find my feet and get into the flow of being gainfully employed again. But thank god for that iCalendar, man. That bitch is keeping me on task.
Like, how it reminded me yesterday that I actually paid good money to go to a Storytelling seminar tonight in Gastown with, um, this guy?
Yeah, that guy. And those are just the books I could find in this pigsty. And by reminding me, it reminded me to totally inconvenience my neighbor at the very last possible second by making her babysit for me. No wonder she's moving away.
I'm just about as excited for this thing as I was a few weeks ago when I went to hear Chuck Palahniuk tell a few stories and sign a few books, which was awesome because ohmygodseriously, Chuck to the Palahniuk people, and awesomely horrifying because getting the Teen Girl Squad** together is a whole lot like mixing the most ridiculously cute baking soda and the silliest vinegar together.
Which actually isn't horrifying at all to the people doing it, in fact it's kind of rad and we want to do it all the time, but it's apparently fairly traumatic for the 20-something angsty I-drink-soy-chai-and-smoke-cloves wanna-be writer who had to sit near us. Someday, woman, your uterus is going to betray you, and hard, and karma will remember us and your big steaming hot bag of scorn and I will be standing right there when it happens saying NEENER NEENER and also asking you to shut your kid the fuck up with my eyes and the better part of the left side of my body.
And since I've been all on this Going Out For The Night But Calling It Professional Development Because I've Duped The Donor Into Thinking I'm Kind Of A Big Deal On The Internet kick, when in reality the only person I'm a big deal to on the internet is the operator of of little eBay store where they sell my favorite and impossible to find elsewhere girl's dresses and I assure you, I am a very big deal to that woman, I'm thinking about going to the Chicks Who Click conference in Vancouver at the end of June. Because seriously, if going to a conference is what it takes for me to get out of this house for the day, sign me the fuck up, yo. Hell, I still have my Leia outfit, and they have Star Con up here, don't they?
But sadly enough, while I'm all busy trying to justify reading Fight Club for the purposes of writing corporate web copy, which now that I say it out loud actually makes a good deal of sense, my daughter is just about to get fired from the only job she's ever had. A job which, mind you, pays her in outfits. And she's getting fired simply because she grew, so I think I'm going to demand some workmen's comp, which I imagine will get paid out in capri's and halter tops.
But lucky for us, we have two photo shoots this month and even though I'm so busy stalking crazy gay men all over Vancouver to, oh, I don't know, read the manual that came with my camera, the first of our photo shoots turned out pretty freaking magnificently, if I do say so myself.
And I got to skip out on an entire afternoon of work to take them. I love living in a different country than either of our bosses.
*And yes, she says "woik" because she is clearly a little old woman who lived in Brooklyn until she was 11 and then moved to Philadelphia until she was 18 and then went to college in Boston and then moved back to Brooklyn to live out the rest of her days.
**If you're cussing me out right now for killing your eardrums, well, I tell you guys all the time to hover over links and pictures first, but you never listen.
Reader Comments (101)
TGS is one of my favorite things those guys do. That and the Strong Bad Emails. I love that you know what that stuff is!
I just fell in love with you all over again.
Teen Girl Squad FTW!
Now I must go and dig out my baby doll Teen Girl Squad shirt. I don't think Moo's boyfriend has seen me in that... *snort*
My children like to remove mattresses from their beds when I'm working. I'm not even kidding.
Does this mean that if I ever want to BE someone (on the internet OR in real life), I need a Blackberry? Shit. I don't even have a CELL phone yet. I am so fucked.
My teen daughter had a blackberry before I did. And she's also broken it - this is her 5th phone.
Enjoy reading your blog! BTW - Vancouver is beautiful!!! I used to go there for conferences and I loved every minute of it. So jealous!!
Oh, I miss her. And the cute way she says her words.
There's a conference in Vancouver? I may have to head down again...
Ahhh, the clit. Client Level Interface Tool.
I always knew the Blackberry was a girl.
Congrats on the woik!
Wait, this is you neglecting your blog?? Cuz I'm thinking no.
It clearly states in our handbook that "should employee develop physical limitations that inhibit her from performing her duties in accordance with the job description on file in the Human Resources department, management reserves the right to redefine said description immediately or terminate employee at will."
You will lose.
You can still have some free halters though. The photos are awesome. :)
I wanna come to that Conference with you, and then drink 3 or 4 martinis afterward. You in?
Title Alone. Don't be too sure.
@Kristin, Please say you're not kidding. You're not kidding, are you? OH my god, we are so there.
@Angella, Please see Kristen's comment below. Menage a' conference? Yeah, I think so.
@Chris, That you have a title for it is the most attractive thing I've ever come to know about you.
waaa-aaaaa. Does this mean we won't be seeing a post from you as often? Please say no.
Goddammit. Your blackberry has a clit? I think my razr is pre-pubescent.
And Chuck Palahniuk?? Jealousy abounds!
I want a job that pays me in outfits. I can really wear an outfit, something fierce and serious.
douglas coupland! i read nostradamus... i'll have to check out his other books. and re-read nostradamus.
@Mr Lady, I would have to pull some serious "favors" in order to convince Matthew it's a good idea. Let me get on that. *Ahem*
You seriously make my day. Like, all the time.
My iphone seems to be asexual.
I think I read Life After God years ago, along with Shampoo Planet ( I think that is the book) Hubby hates him as an author. Unless it involves the mob, he doesn't want to read it.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Back to woik! Enough chit chat.
I totally know where you used to live but not in a weird stalkerish way. I grew up about four blocks to the south and still only live 5-10 minutes away from 80206.
Filed under Holy Blonde: My last post? BIG FAT LIE. It helps to put the right date in the calendar you live by. http://tinyurl.com/ll9rxs
I love Coupland. I started with Microserfs and have read everything since. Well, all the fiction anyway. Love, love, love him. All families are psychotic is a personal fave. You Canadians have all the cool stuff. Except Target.
@BusyDad, whatcha gonna do, send me home early? Huh? HUH?
(Please don't fire me)
@Sarah, because you're awesome!
@Catherine, MINE TOO!
@Jaina, my kids say that to me all the time. Except take out one word and replace it with RUIN. I bet you can't guess which word!
ok. honestly... i stopped reading after i saw your link to teen girl squad. because really, with that link, you spoke VOLUMES to your coolness. yes, i'm crushing now. more than before. *blush*
@Honeybell, he was totally awesome, I have to say. :)
@Audubon Ron, ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?
oh. my. god.
freaking douglas coupland????? now i have to go dig out my copy of microserfs and read it for the nine millionth time.
One of my best friend's cousins are the creators of Homestar Runner. TGS is one of my favorites.
Also, those sandy toes? LOVE.
All I can say is those Chicks Who Click will love you long time by proxy for me.
Have you discovered blackberry messenger? Because *that* is what makes the blackberry so freakin' amazing. It's like text messages on crack.
Also TGS is a big big win.
Okay, you're awesome...I would LOVE to go to that seminar! BTW--I thought you could only synch iCalendar to the iPhone. I have a Blackberry too & would love to use it w/iCalendar--do tell (because I'm a computer idiot.)
@Avitable, ye of little faith. http://www.flickr.com/photos/heymrlady/3474129287/in/set-72157607402929853/" rel="nofollow">Bask in the light, my friend. BASK IN IT.
@Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo, you do NOT have one! Marry me?
@Miss Britt, do they duct tape each other's arms and legs together, roll each other up in the mattresses, duct tape the mattress roll closed and then shove each other down the stairs? Or was that just my brother and me?
@Kori, no, but it sure is fun to have something expensive to lose again. :)
@Mr Lady, oh God I love you.
@Jessica, STOP BUYING HER PHONES. I lost one, broke one, and ran over one. My husband hasn't bought me another once since, and I cook his dinners.
And yes, you are so right. It's beautiful when it stops raining. So, like, never. :)
@Angella, PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT. Of your liver, but still. *wink*
@Karen MEG, durh. Of course it is!
@maggie, dammit, this is me SO neglecting my blog. And it's going to get worse, I fear.
@Matt, I would never let my little girl wear halters! What kind of a mother do you think I am? What's next....string bikinis?
Oh, wait....
@Julie, no, this is pretty infrequently for me as it is. But fear not; I have 4 1/2 years of mind-numblingly awful archives you can read if you suddenly decide to punish your brain. :)
@Miss Grace, I've seen your boob blog. I know you can also NOT wear an outfit. Which, rawr.