;)
Monday
Jun222009
Satellite Comes And Goes
Monday, June 22, 2009 at 2:36AM
I found you in 1996 and I lost you in 2006. It was your fault, it was my fault, it was everyone's fault and no one's fault. None of it matters anymore, except that all of it matters still. Because without that, with none of it, we wouldn't have any of this.
Today you'll celebrate your 11th fathers day with your children. We're not giving you ties and we didn't make you clay mugs and we won't cook you breakfast in bed. What we're giving you is us. We're taking you away from the things of man, and we're just going to be with you. We're leaving the messages on the phone and the dishes still piled up in the sink and the sand that is all over the goddamn laundry room floor; we're running away from all of it to remember each other. To remember you. To celebrate you.
But I'm not just celebrating you, and maybe that's wrong on the day Hallmark tells us should be all about you, but you think I can write better than Hallmark so for today, we'll make our own rules. Today I'm celebrating that everything we have was torn asunder, that it was stripped down to the studs and once we could see everything under the surface, once we really knew what we were up against, we started laying new bricks, one by one, together.
It was two years ago on Father's Day that we laid that first brick. It was two years ago on Father's Day that we chose to accept it all without condition, without judgement, for all that it was and everything it wasn't, and just build it back up. We gave each other all that we knew, which turned out to be a hell of a lot less than we thought, and together we've built new walls and figured out how to make this house stand.
You're still very much this alien thing to me, and our relationship floats through the universe like a satellite in orbit, occasionally going way out there, out of our orbit, but always coming back in again. I can see that satellite every time feel a little rain and look up to realize that there are still so many holes in the roof of us yet to be patched. I think we need to be able to see it. I think we need that rain to remind us that we have to keep working. I think we need that rain to force us to look up, to remember that sometimes it goes and sometimes it comes and we don't have it all figured out and that we don't have to. That you can be an alien, and I can be an alien, and it will still be beautiful rain.
Today you'll celebrate your 11th fathers day with your children. We're not giving you ties and we didn't make you clay mugs and we won't cook you breakfast in bed. What we're giving you is us. We're taking you away from the things of man, and we're just going to be with you. We're leaving the messages on the phone and the dishes still piled up in the sink and the sand that is all over the goddamn laundry room floor; we're running away from all of it to remember each other. To remember you. To celebrate you.
But I'm not just celebrating you, and maybe that's wrong on the day Hallmark tells us should be all about you, but you think I can write better than Hallmark so for today, we'll make our own rules. Today I'm celebrating that everything we have was torn asunder, that it was stripped down to the studs and once we could see everything under the surface, once we really knew what we were up against, we started laying new bricks, one by one, together.
It was two years ago on Father's Day that we laid that first brick. It was two years ago on Father's Day that we chose to accept it all without condition, without judgement, for all that it was and everything it wasn't, and just build it back up. We gave each other all that we knew, which turned out to be a hell of a lot less than we thought, and together we've built new walls and figured out how to make this house stand.
You're still very much this alien thing to me, and our relationship floats through the universe like a satellite in orbit, occasionally going way out there, out of our orbit, but always coming back in again. I can see that satellite every time feel a little rain and look up to realize that there are still so many holes in the roof of us yet to be patched. I think we need to be able to see it. I think we need that rain to remind us that we have to keep working. I think we need that rain to force us to look up, to remember that sometimes it goes and sometimes it comes and we don't have it all figured out and that we don't have to. That you can be an alien, and I can be an alien, and it will still be beautiful rain.
Reader Comments (49)
<33 Look at you. All in love and mushified.
It is so easy to fall in love.
It is so easy to fall out of love.
It is so, so much harder to find your way back to each other as adults. It's not always mushy and romantic and the way they make it look like in the movies.
But it's better. Worth it.
Me and you, sister? We have this in common.
Right down to the timing.
Beautiful and moochy. I'm curious about 2006.....
Not many people have done what you guys have done. You guys are incredible.
What a great Father's Day present.
Regardless of the holes that need to be patched, its always great to have a wonderful partner to patch with.
awesome. you have something very special -- and the cool thing is that you know it.
In a deep southern drawl. "I like the way you talk."
The very best way to celebrate Father's Day!
Oh, S, this is gorgeous. Did he read this? Does he know you wrote this beautiful heart-in-the-throat thing for him? Your love, and a little bit of trepidation shines through. It's hard, isn't it? Molding ourselves to be the person we want to be for the other person.
I want to know the whole backstory to this...
Beautiful. I don't know what your specifics were, but I went through what I think was something similar, and oh good god you've articulated it beautifully.
I love this, it's gorgeous. I could lay on cool sheets on a summer night with it listening to the rain. You used your words to create something that has no words.
I'm in the middle of that loss you had in 2006, whatever your specific story is, and I can only hope that we can, by some miracle, accomplish what you and your husband have. This was beautiful.
And sometimes two satellites have orbits that cross, and in some of THOSE times, the satellites collide with each other, and some of THOSE times, people go up in space ships to blast one of the satellites into smithereens so that the other one survives.
I hope no one blasts either of you to smithereens, because that would make a really big mess, and then who would teach your kids about Weezer?
I envy your abilty to build "from the studs"- I would love to learn how you did it! Good for you both and very sweet tribute!
I feel this on so many levels, you don't even know.
dood. I have read hints of what you went through, and I'm in awe of your amazing ability to put words to where you are now. The writer in me is jealous, that you can do this so lyrically. The reader in me weeps, knowing I will not have what you have now, with my own husband.
Having stripped it all down 2 years ago and finding ourselves on a new level of oh, damn near everything, I totally feel in love with this post. Beautifully written.
It is truly an amazing thing...a marriage that works after being broken.
My husband told my stepson the other day after stepson announced that he and his boyfriend had broken up..."I've only had one decent relationship in my entire life, and I'm still figuring that one out." I think THAT says it all about marriage and love. The willingness to look at it from the inside out, yucky shit and all, and figure out how to make it - together. And apart.
(Damn, I THINK he was talking about his relationship with me...I should probably ask him... Fuck. Now I'm wondering.)
Amen, sistah.
Better than Hallmark indeed. So much so that just saying "Happy Fathers Day!" to the Donor would seem kind of stupid. So I won't.
Satellite Comes And Goes http://bit.ly/7Vwof
So much better than Hallmark. And so much beauty in reality.
Freaking fantastic.
You say so much with the power of your words and the beauty and strength of the raw open truth behind them.
damn woman. I hope the donor read this or that you read it to him.
Y'all deserve to celebrate.
Beautiful. And powerful. Thank you for letting 'us' read it.
You always get me.......either it's your powerful writing or my hormones...
Mr Lady,
This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing your words with us. I hope you all had a great day.
i heart how you write.
♥
I lived a similar story on a different path... you are not alone. Like a broken bone, sometimes what gets fixed heals a lot stronger than the origonal ever was. Fuckin hurts to break that bone though.
I understand that path and sentiment exactly. Congrats on making it through and being able to spend another Father's Day with the man who makes your heart ache in the good ways (too!)
So wonderful. Did you already cast the movie?
google has no results for "alien rain storm". just thought you might be interested in that. Happy fathers day Donor.
Isn't the internet a strange place?
That a post as lovely & lyrical and alien-inhabited as this should have so many fewer comments than others about basically nothing, truly mystifies me.
Congratulations on building your beautiful new home of brick and rain.
Oh my...I don't quite know the specifics of your story, but I judging from how your words are making me feel, I think I'm in the same place. Thanks for sharing.
I think you guys rock.
wow. this was intensely beautiful.
So let me get this straight. You're funny, you're gorgeous AND you're a beautiful writer.
I bet i could kick your ass at Wii bowling...
I'm glad that things are working.
spill it sister. aiyeee yai aiyeee. just kidding, i am not a nosy person. you know, relationships are hard period. i dont know why we do them. marriage esp. i know why we do them but i also don't know how and why it's so much work. but one has to find a nice guy period. and that is v. hard to come by yo.
You're effing brilliant. How did I not fully realize this before?
Also, martinis, when?
Le sigh.
I consider it a gift to break open a marriage to the raw core and get the chance to build it up again more real than ever. I had that chance with my dude - maybe not in quite the same dramatic way that you guys did but it was dramatic to me. To us. Down to the studs, inside out, upside down, unfamiliar and all that good stuff. I think more couples should know the good that is possible after all the really tough impossible stuff happens...
Beautiful writing as always lady...and Happy Father's Day to all of you...
beautiful. everything. it's hard. and beautiful.
Wow, I have been away too long. Please forgive me, I have just been caught up in, well ugh, hmmm... polishing floors? Ya, that's it...
How are your floors?
Chalk up another fine post from the bottom of the Sippy Cup!
Okay, I've browsed through all I can get out of this site (hmm, I think there's more somewhere, but my skills are lacking) and I'm pretty certain now I know what you're saying.
And I can tell you from personal experience that the forgiveness is HARD. Awful. And just getting through is hard. But it gets better.
The brick building is a good thing. I like the reference to the holes in the ceiling that need patching. Because it always is work.
These days, we're going through just a roller coaster slump that in my heart and head I know will move forward and upward but oh, some days are just flat out hard. Some days you just want to throw the towel at them and yell "I quit."
But nothing was ever gained by that, was it?
I SO love you.
I admire you for doing what most people can't. Forgiving, and moving on... together.
Such a sweet and heartfelt post. I absolutely love it. I always, always love reading your well written posts, I really learn from it. I admire you for being strong, not just for yourself, but for your husband, and your family as well.
That was beautiful.