;)
Tuesday
Jun302009
Ask A Stupid Question
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 2:42AM
My sons have always been completely unable to estimate. When they'd ask what time it was, and I'd say that it was quarter after 4, they'd go look at the clock and say, "Mom! It's 4:12!" I'd explain that yes, I know it is, but that I was rounding up and they'd say, "But it's FOUR TWELVE, MAWM." Which all sounds fairly cute, until you repeat that 15 times a day, every day, and factor in pocket change, meal portions and legos.
Needless to say, I spent a good deal of their formative years banging my head against walls.
My children are just literal children. They're not one for the imaginationy games, they don't make up stories or have friends no one but they can see. They read non-fiction books for the first seven years of their lives. They are dry.
And then the girl showed up with her fake make-ups and her basket full of her brother's old halloween costumes and she brought imagination into this house. Her best friend in the whole world, the one she spends hours a day on the phone with, is Sonic The Hedgehog. Her babies all have names and favorite foods. She insists on tea parties. She lives in this world that none of us know anything about, her head in the clouds and her feet in the mud, and oh my god, it's so fucking cute I could die.
Except you know I didn't dodge the reality-bullet with this one, oh no. It just showed up somewhere else.
I've never been one for giving my children many options in life, but I do allow them to dictate their own days to a degree. For example, if they're really, really misbehaving, I'll ask them if they are going to stop or if I am going to have to stop them, and then make them chose. If they stop, great; happy fun time can continue but if they chose to make me stop them, I do exactly that. And once I have, we talk about appropriate punishments. I ask them what they'd do, if they were me, and we come to an agreement. Maybe that makes me a shitty parent, but I think it makes more of a point if they have to come up with it. I think that's part of the punishment, that it drives the point home when they're the ones making the point. It also makes the whole thing less powerless for them, which is nice because I have no desire to be a dictator. They all have to grow weird, dark moustaches and wear polyester brown pants and, ewww.
I take for granted sometimes that my old tricks are going to work on the new kid, the one who hasn't been here for a decade and doesn't know the rules of engagement, and occasionally, in her big-eyed curly -haired cute ways, she reminds me.
Like the other day when I was out front, trying to get her to come inside while my neighbor was talking to me. I told her to come inside. I asked her to come inside. I bribed her to come inside. I demanded she come inside. She totally didn't come inside. I finally looked at her and said, "Dude, am I going to have to smack your bottom or not?" and she thought about it for a full minute before she said, "Um....not" and wheeled away on her tricycle.
Because that was a dumb question, that's why. Because she doesn't know that when mom says "smack your bottom", the situation has gone from mild annoyance to DefCon 4 and it's time to run, not walk, but run in the direction mom is asking you to. My neighbor looked at her, looked at me, and Fell. Over. Laughing. I joined him. All he could say was, "At least she answered your question, eh?" and all I could do was hang my head because yeah, I've totally seen this before. We have achieved Literal Speed, and it's going to be another bumpy ride.
Funny, but bumpy.
Needless to say, I spent a good deal of their formative years banging my head against walls.
My children are just literal children. They're not one for the imaginationy games, they don't make up stories or have friends no one but they can see. They read non-fiction books for the first seven years of their lives. They are dry.
And then the girl showed up with her fake make-ups and her basket full of her brother's old halloween costumes and she brought imagination into this house. Her best friend in the whole world, the one she spends hours a day on the phone with, is Sonic The Hedgehog. Her babies all have names and favorite foods. She insists on tea parties. She lives in this world that none of us know anything about, her head in the clouds and her feet in the mud, and oh my god, it's so fucking cute I could die.
Except you know I didn't dodge the reality-bullet with this one, oh no. It just showed up somewhere else.
I've never been one for giving my children many options in life, but I do allow them to dictate their own days to a degree. For example, if they're really, really misbehaving, I'll ask them if they are going to stop or if I am going to have to stop them, and then make them chose. If they stop, great; happy fun time can continue but if they chose to make me stop them, I do exactly that. And once I have, we talk about appropriate punishments. I ask them what they'd do, if they were me, and we come to an agreement. Maybe that makes me a shitty parent, but I think it makes more of a point if they have to come up with it. I think that's part of the punishment, that it drives the point home when they're the ones making the point. It also makes the whole thing less powerless for them, which is nice because I have no desire to be a dictator. They all have to grow weird, dark moustaches and wear polyester brown pants and, ewww.
I take for granted sometimes that my old tricks are going to work on the new kid, the one who hasn't been here for a decade and doesn't know the rules of engagement, and occasionally, in her big-eyed curly -haired cute ways, she reminds me.
Like the other day when I was out front, trying to get her to come inside while my neighbor was talking to me. I told her to come inside. I asked her to come inside. I bribed her to come inside. I demanded she come inside. She totally didn't come inside. I finally looked at her and said, "Dude, am I going to have to smack your bottom or not?" and she thought about it for a full minute before she said, "Um....not" and wheeled away on her tricycle.
Because that was a dumb question, that's why. Because she doesn't know that when mom says "smack your bottom", the situation has gone from mild annoyance to DefCon 4 and it's time to run, not walk, but run in the direction mom is asking you to. My neighbor looked at her, looked at me, and Fell. Over. Laughing. I joined him. All he could say was, "At least she answered your question, eh?" and all I could do was hang my head because yeah, I've totally seen this before. We have achieved Literal Speed, and it's going to be another bumpy ride.
Funny, but bumpy.
Reader Comments (44)
Good luck with her.
You are so right "Funny, but bumpy."
That's some funny stuff LOL! And the time thing kills me - my son does the same thing - everything is so literal with him (12 going on 25). We get into such arguments because of how things are worded sometimes - makes me NUTS!!
Bwahahahahhaa, a run for your money, eh?
I like the way she thinks!
My almost-three-year-old told me that I am not the boss. HE'S the boss. And he meant it. Sounds like our kids would get along swimmingly.
Yup, I've got one of those at home too! In fact, I have a couple, and you describe them perfectly. My son is Mr. Literal and my daughter is kooky and quirky and imaginative and hysterically funny (may she never change!).
I had a similar encounter with my son a few years ago. One hard and fast rule we have is that hands must be held when crossing a parking lot. My son, who was probably not quite 3 at the time and very aware of this rule, insisted that he didn't have to hold my hand because he could hold his own and then proceeded to march out into the parking lot hands clasped firmly in front of him...it is so hard to discipline a child when you are falling down laughing! :)
"Funny, but bumpy" says it all with us too. Love it. :)
And yes, down with brown polyester pants!
You been smacking a lot lately. Does Discovering Dad ring any clues? You want me to come through this computer screen or not?
My son is SO literal.
He used to have an imaginary friend - which was a surprise - but when someone would ask questions about him or try to talk to him, he'd look at you like you were a moron and say "uh.. you know he's not REAL, right?"
Wow. Those kids are even more literal than me, and I am so literal I never get puns. I just look at the person who is laughing at their ever so witty verbal reparte stupidly trying to understand what the freak was so funny. And I love your daughter for that answer.
This is my daughter. To a TEE.
When I was little I too was a little literal (how's that for alliteration?) There's one instance that my mother loooves to retell. I think I was 2 or 3, maybe 4? We were getting ready to cross the street to get ice cream and I refused to hold my mother's hand. She said "You have to hold someone's hand. You can't cross the street without holding someone's hand." So, apparently, I looked up at her, clasped my hands together in front of me, looked both ways and proceeded to cross the street yelling behind me, "I hold my OWN hand," while my mother stood with her mouth open & my grandmother practically fell over laughing.
The phrasing of questions is oh so important for us literal types.
*snort*
she's got you ...
Ah. Welcome to the world of girls. Smart, imaginative, in-charge girls.
As for me, I've spent a lifetime in early childhood education, so I had more than a few tricks up my sleeve. I thought I was a step ahead. Not a damn one of them worked with her. They all still work well with other people's kids. Go figure.
"Would you like to walk to the car or jump to the car?": "I'm not going to the car"
"You can have broccoli or you can have carrots. Which one would you like?": "Avocado"
"I'm going to set this timer for ten minutes and when it rings, it's going to be time to clean up, and I will come and remind you and help you": Timer Rings. Exceedingly sensory sensitive child who can flinch at the sound of a pin drop and who constantly tells me to turn the music down just keeps playing, no notice of horribly abrasive timer ringing. "Okay, time to clean up" "But the timer didn't ring!"
I have found myself WAY more than once in serious reminder mode, in which my mantra is "I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent". Because she sure as shit would never reinforce that notion.
Mine is 9 now. It doesn't get better. :)
I totally would have been on the ground with you. Especially since she just up and rode away.
It's a relief (I think?) to hear that someone with as much experience as you have still runs up against it sometimes. Because I feel like such a frickin' NOOB all the time with my kidlets. You'd think with my oldest being a total mini-me (which means, OMG, I am in such trouble) that I'd know how to handle it all, but no.
And my youngest is turning out to be EVEN MORE STUBBORN under all that golden-haired cherubic sweetness.
I'm doomed.
All the way out here, in my head, I can hear you say, "smack your bottom."
Seriously, coming from a smart willful child myself, I guess, it is all about being herself and true to that person inside. However, she does need you to set the limits and be the mom.
It will be a long road ahead for both of you filled with stories like these...
I've been there. I have this bad habit of talking to my kids in the form of yes or no questions. "It's bedtime. Should we go pick out some stories?" "It's time to go. Can you go get your shoes?" "It's dinner time. Can you go wash your hands?" And when my 4yo figured out that he can actually say no to all of the above questions (and more), it suddenly became very frustrating to be his mom. It was like a lightbulb went off in his head. He's totally playing me! Little jerk!
p.s. My oldest sounds like 3of3. He has an imaginary big brother named Alex, is married to a stuffed horse with whom he has many stuffed animal children and invents the most outrageous games for himself (mostly focused around museums these days). It's fun to watch, but a little tiring to endure all day long, isn't it?
LOL
Stella is like that too. It's interesting, isn't it? How you can have more than one kid and still be clueless sometimes because they are nothing like each other. Truth is, we are all first-time moms :-)
This cracks me up. I so wish your kid and my kid could get together every day. They would have great tea parties and enjoy many hours of telling each other the rules.
Oh, dude. You are in Trouble with that one :)
(says a former child who was equally strong-willed and independent :))
Oh that one. tsk, tsk, tsk. You may just want to send her to my house now. (mostly because I need a little girl now that my boy is grown and going away)
That's like when I say, "Do you want it on your chest or in your eye?"
Hee hee! She is too funny! Does she remind you of anybody? I can totally see you with the blond hair at 3 years old saying exactly the same thing. Maybe you should call your parents for some pointers...
According to my mum, I was one of those kids too, and it already looks like my 15-months old son is gonna be the same. So please keep on writing about your kids, I need all the help/ideas/pointers I can get!!!! ;)
I have one like that...if it's 4:29 and I say it's 4:30, she's all, "no, it's four TWENTY-NINE! Not even close to 4:30." Drives me ballistic, but you know, I love her anyway.
I think that's a brilliant thing you've got going by including your kids in the punishment process...I'm totally stealing that one. :)
Did 3of3 have a twin that you gave up? If so, I think I got her. Seriously, the same little blonde curls and impish grin are in my house. And the same attitude.
Lord help us...
She's a sharp one there.
First time commenting... you are freakin' hilarious...and I don't know of too many freakin' hilarious Canadian bloggers out there. Awesome.
I love that girl.
Also. I think that she and Emily would either be the best of friends...or mortal enemies.
Quit complaining. I'm sure you deserve it.
You're a brave soul. If I let my kids pick their punishments, they would try things like I need to make them eat ice cream and buy them new toys.
So I pick them. I need to add in, roll the compost can, since we don't have a pile to make them flip like my parents did to me. Or a pitchfork
Sounds a bit like my brother as a child, although he was not nearly so smart about it. When asked if he needed a spanking, he would often answer "yes" and obediently bend over for the incoming spank.
...Dumbass.
I have something in common with your daughter though! When I was, oh, 6 or 7 I was direly in love with Tails, Sonic's little two-tailed fox buddy. I was gonna marry that boy...
I adore my own literal child. So very funny. In hindsight. Nearly always in hindsight. (Or looking at the rearview mirror on the tricycle.)
Literal? Never! I'd probably end up driving your kids crazy. I tend to joke around, laugh, play mind games (the nice ones) and poke fun in so many ways (usually at myself) that they'd probably lock me in a closet and run. They'd learn the phrase "close enough for government work" from me. I'd either have them passed out from laughing too hard or be forever written off as hopelessly weird. At least, that's what my kids think.
And as far as punishments go, my preference tends to be to make it a problem solving opportunity. I encourage my kids to learn how to solve the "problem" (whatever it may be) by making the right choice. If I (as the parent) have to step in and solve the problem for them, then the choice gets made for them and they probably won't like the result.
It seems you've met your match. Good luck with your girl, she's a smart one... :)
Let's hope that Fury never meets your kids. Or rather, let's hope that when they do, neither of us is in charge of them. I'm the dad who has to recite everything twice in my head before I scold him with something for fear of slipping or stumbling on one word. Because the kid will call me on it. Every time. On the bright side, I have him to thank for my eloquence when it comes to speaking. And 3 of 3 is too cute for words. Literally.
Being the baby and the lone daughter, I expect trouble, but she's little yet. But, I'm guessing she's smart enough to know that Mom wasn't serious about smacking her bottom.
I yell and screech, but it doesn't always work. I run the house to be organized and we follow a routine, but Harley is too much like me. He has spunk and attitude and can't seem to do much of anything without his mother reminding him what his responsibilities are.
I'm thinking it is going to be a long summer. My mother would just look at me and I'd fall in line.
oh sweet baby jesus, i started crying I was laughing so hard.
That kid is going to steam-roll soooo many men some day...
I can totally picture her, at 18, convincing the Learjet pilot to stop in Prague for a truffle on her way from New York to Paris for a fashion show. The key part being that Prague is not on the way from New York to Paris.
Your boys are my oldest son and your daughter is my youngest. TO THE LETTER. I swear, I do the exact same 'pick your poison' thing on the punishments and he swears that eating ice cream is a good punishment because it hurts his teeth.
It's going to be a looooong life with these two.
I can SO imagine that coming out of her adorable little mouth! She's gonna be a live wire indeed!
It's all about the options presented. You offered her smack or no smack: what did you think she would choose? What would you choose? (Wait, don't answer that.)
Next time, make one of these offers:
Do you want to come in the house, or should I tie you to the tree in the front yard so I know you're safe?
Do you want to come in the house, or do you want to go get a needle from the doctor?
Do you want to come in the house now, or do you want to watch me dismember your dolls one appendage every minute until you decide it's time?
It's all about the options presented.
Dude. It's Picket.
Been having some weird times but man, I lurve you.
Chicago. Cheap beer. Nuff said.
WOW, this was great. I have 3 boys (13, 11 and 4) and your post articulates what I've been feeling but unable to put my finger on.
And BTW, I am from near Penna. Dutch country too. But I got out. :-)
LMAO. You gotta give her humor points, right? I like the idea of making them come up with it, and your reasoning makes total sense. Good luck ;)
Haha~ That story is epic win!
And at least she answered your question. :)
You have a very different way of raising kids. And I like it.