;)
Wednesday
Aug192009
And A Pocketfull Of Kryptonite
Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 12:22AM
Tonight, I have a stomach full of saddness.
Today, my daughter and I were playing some game on the floor; race cars or choo-choo's, I'm not sure. This little game turned into the Big Hug game and the Big Hug game turned into the Eat The Baby game and a few toddler tenderloin bites later, Eat The Baby turned into Tag You're It and Tag You're It turned into You Can't Get Me and everyone knows that You Can't Get Me leads directly to TickleMania 3000, duh.
Basically, we went from DefCon 1 to DefCon 5 in the course of 30 minutes, and what comes up is going to come down with nauseating consistency.
Halfway through TickleMania 3000, the laughter turned to tears. Big, fat, green crocodile tears. The kind of tears that only come when the kid knows they've had enough, but doesn't really want to have had enough, but honestly just can't take anymore. Inner conflict = Fake Cryfest. Fake Cryfest can go one of two ways around here; I get annoyed as all fuck and huff out of the room or I try to divert from the whining to something totally different. Depends on the day, really. Today was Good Mom Day so I went with the latter.
You know, the thing with having older kids and younger kids is that in between those kids, I've found myself forgetting the really good tricks that I always kept rolled up under my t-shirt sleeve. Like the time I couldn't get 3of3 to open her mouth so I could brush her teeth, and right before my fucking head exploded 1of3 came in, took the toothbrush from me, turned her to him and started to sing, "The roof...the roof...the roof is on fire!" and she opened wide and laughed and I wondered how the hell I'd forgotten that little trick along the way. I also oozed pride from every orifice on my body because I taught my son a parenting skill, and he remembered it. Because, really, I don't get many good mom moments, and I have to hold onto them when they come.
My point is that I've forgotten a lot of things that I know for a fact I've already figured out how to do seamlessly, like deflecting a strung-out kid from a near-meltdown. I held her in my arms, watching her tears quickly turning from fake to oh-so-very-real, knowing I had less than a minute to make this better or reap the thunder, and I did the first thing that popped into my mind.
I started to eat the sad out of her.
Yes, maybe not the brightest idea, since Eating The Baby was the game that got us in this mess in the first place, but I was under pressure. I started to look for her sadness. I checked under her chin, I sniffed in her armpits, I prodded her legs, and I couldn't find it. She told me to stop it. I looked in her eyes, her ears, her nostrils, her mouth, but it wasn't there. She said I wasn't her friend anymore. I pulled up her shirt and peeked into her belly button. Maybe? She did not smile. I sniffed. I wiggled my nose in there. I FOUND IT. She stuck her fingers in my eyeball. And you know what I did? I sucked that sadness right out from her belly button while she tried so hard to whine about it.
When I got all the sadness out, I looked right at her and she got her Very Determined Face on and said, "Stahhhhhhp it, mawwwwm." And then I chewed that sadness up, took a great big fake swing of water, and gulped that sadness right down into my tummy. Yeah, she totally laughed. And then I let her peek in my belly button to make sure the sadness was trapped in there and couldn't bother her anymore today, and then we made more than a few poop jokes and we got on with our day.
And tonight I sit here with a stomach full of sadness and I don't think I've been happier about anything in a really long time.
Today, my daughter and I were playing some game on the floor; race cars or choo-choo's, I'm not sure. This little game turned into the Big Hug game and the Big Hug game turned into the Eat The Baby game and a few toddler tenderloin bites later, Eat The Baby turned into Tag You're It and Tag You're It turned into You Can't Get Me and everyone knows that You Can't Get Me leads directly to TickleMania 3000, duh.
Basically, we went from DefCon 1 to DefCon 5 in the course of 30 minutes, and what comes up is going to come down with nauseating consistency.
Halfway through TickleMania 3000, the laughter turned to tears. Big, fat, green crocodile tears. The kind of tears that only come when the kid knows they've had enough, but doesn't really want to have had enough, but honestly just can't take anymore. Inner conflict = Fake Cryfest. Fake Cryfest can go one of two ways around here; I get annoyed as all fuck and huff out of the room or I try to divert from the whining to something totally different. Depends on the day, really. Today was Good Mom Day so I went with the latter.
You know, the thing with having older kids and younger kids is that in between those kids, I've found myself forgetting the really good tricks that I always kept rolled up under my t-shirt sleeve. Like the time I couldn't get 3of3 to open her mouth so I could brush her teeth, and right before my fucking head exploded 1of3 came in, took the toothbrush from me, turned her to him and started to sing, "The roof...the roof...the roof is on fire!" and she opened wide and laughed and I wondered how the hell I'd forgotten that little trick along the way. I also oozed pride from every orifice on my body because I taught my son a parenting skill, and he remembered it. Because, really, I don't get many good mom moments, and I have to hold onto them when they come.
My point is that I've forgotten a lot of things that I know for a fact I've already figured out how to do seamlessly, like deflecting a strung-out kid from a near-meltdown. I held her in my arms, watching her tears quickly turning from fake to oh-so-very-real, knowing I had less than a minute to make this better or reap the thunder, and I did the first thing that popped into my mind.
I started to eat the sad out of her.
Yes, maybe not the brightest idea, since Eating The Baby was the game that got us in this mess in the first place, but I was under pressure. I started to look for her sadness. I checked under her chin, I sniffed in her armpits, I prodded her legs, and I couldn't find it. She told me to stop it. I looked in her eyes, her ears, her nostrils, her mouth, but it wasn't there. She said I wasn't her friend anymore. I pulled up her shirt and peeked into her belly button. Maybe? She did not smile. I sniffed. I wiggled my nose in there. I FOUND IT. She stuck her fingers in my eyeball. And you know what I did? I sucked that sadness right out from her belly button while she tried so hard to whine about it.
When I got all the sadness out, I looked right at her and she got her Very Determined Face on and said, "Stahhhhhhp it, mawwwwm." And then I chewed that sadness up, took a great big fake swing of water, and gulped that sadness right down into my tummy. Yeah, she totally laughed. And then I let her peek in my belly button to make sure the sadness was trapped in there and couldn't bother her anymore today, and then we made more than a few poop jokes and we got on with our day.
And tonight I sit here with a stomach full of sadness and I don't think I've been happier about anything in a really long time.
Reader Comments (61)
Maybe the Donor can find a way to remove that sadness...
And be the happiest he has been in a long time?
That post made me well up.
Must be hormonal... ;)
I only have one baby right now and he's only 7 months...This might come in handy later. :)
And A Pocketfull Of Kryptonite http://bit.ly/k3tus
And A Pocketfull Of Kryptonite http://bit.ly/qYJSY
Going to have to remember this. I have many similar games in my collection, but am always looking to add a few. Given I just found out yesterday that I have another grandson, looks like I'm going to need all I can get my hands on.
Oh man, you pulled me right in there. I started composing a sympathetic response in my mind as soon as I read that first sentence. I'm very glad it had a happy ending...
I certainly do not like it when my kids get all upset, but it's really fun to figure our which button to push that will make them laugh and get better in spite of themselves.
Aww. I might have to send this link to my parents, who are wondering how they'll get used to helping out with my brother's newborn twin daughters. After all, it's been over a decade since my sister's kids were born and three decades since they had a baby of their own.
Yeah, definitely.
Eating the sadness? Brilliant.
However, I think I'll pass on the toothbrushing one, as I have no interest in a phone call from her teacher asking me why she keeps screaming "we don't need no water let the motherfucker burn" at the firefighter storybook they're reading at school.
I'm pretty sure I've had a stomach full of many things, but never sadness. Maybe one day. Great taste? Less filling? ROCK ON.
Reminds me of the time I needed bus fare home and to make a long story short I ended up with a belly full of something but at least I had money for the bus.
That's awesome. I'm going to have to use that one. Thanks!!
At least it wasn't the eating kittens game. I tried the belly button thing once and it turned into the eating kittens game because they thought I had a kitten in my belly button. Turns out it was just lint.
Kudos to 1 of 3 for the smile trick, I use it all the time when 2 of 2 wants to be stubborn about opening up. High five to him! Enjoy that belly full of sadness, nothing is more satisfying.
You are an awesome mother.
The end.
And A Pocketfull Of Kryptonite http://bit.ly/2qfbpX
This is too sweet. I've been the bad mom lately doing too much huffing and puffing out of a room. I really needed to read this. Thanks.
I love that smugly satisfied happy feeling when you did the parenting thing exactly right.
I loved this, my friend. Words. You rock them.
I probably would have given up at the finger in the eyeball.
I just hope for your sake that your kid doesn't demand "Eat me" while you are in public.
I read your stuff and remember that I am both a shitty writer and a bad parent. Thanks for the reality check, my friend!
There you go with you all too sweet posts. This made me smile!
Dude. Sadness has, like, 3500 calories per serving and something like 45 grams of saturated fat. Next time maybe consider eating 4-5 smaller servings of sadness per day instead of all of it in one lump. By doing this you will convince your body that there is another small serving of sadness right around the corner, and it will burn the sadness immediately, rather than storing it because it thinks its starving.
Also, you might want to consider feeding her a lot of whole grains and vegetables, so that the nutrients will pass through the belly button to you. You'll have more energy, require less sleep and your skin will develop a healthy, radiant glow.
RT@ Kidsgoape Read an inspired parenting moment - http://bit.ly/30bAle
RT @ Kidsgoape Read an inspired parenting moment - http://bit.ly/30bAle
Damn, you're good. Very, very good.
innovation, persistence and patience are the keystones to good parenting. check, check, check.
[...] a ruler since the damn 45 cent ones were all sold out, and I think I am scarring my kids. I read another post this morning about something a mom did to stave off a major melt-down, and I realized that my [...]
There are only 3 1/2 years between mine, but I've forgotten pretty much everything in that time. It's amazing how it flies out your ears as soon as you're on to the next thing. Poof, gone, along with all the minutia I used to remember about which teeth came up when and whether she liked peaches or not.
And the fake crying, it drives me up a wall. I try to be fun and cool about it, but I'm rarely successful.
And the tears are falling in 3...2...1
Wonderful.
come over and raise my babies.
Sometimes sadness gives me heartburn or maybe that's bell pepper.
(I am so saving this one, great thinking.)
Also, I used to sing "Uptown, downtown, eastside, westside..." to get Zoe to brush.
Lauren and Matt's comments made me forget what I was going to say....
You sniffed her armpits... THAT is true love.
We shake off the grumpies around here. Must try eating sadness soon.
Hmm...wonder how that would wash it down with a margarita...will report back;)
Awesome trick! I'm not a parent yet, but I'll definitely have to remember this one for later....
A trick my older brothers used to use when they would bang me around was after I would hit the ground they would point at the spot that I landed and yell, "Look dude! You dented the ground!" I'm not sure exactly what it was, but something about the absurdity of the ground fairing worse than me would make me laugh soooo hard.
Nicely done. We always grab the nearest cup and try to catch the tears. It never fails to suddenly make them non-existent.
wonderful time, wonderful read, my daughter is too much.
That was really sweet. Glad it worked. I wish I had that little mommy tidbit back when my kids were younger.
I was already in love with you, y'know. You really didn't have to make my love grow bigger.
Aww, what a great idea. I will have to try this on my 4yr old boy, who also throws out the zingers like "I don't love you" and "you're not my friend anymore". During this most recent post-partum period (uterus has now been closed indefinitely....) he had me in tears daily....better now, though.
Oh my goodness! I just found your blog and it's beautiful. This post was amazing. I'll be back!
Surely Cory at the top of the comments here gets points for best comment eva? *applauds*
And applauds your post. I'll store this idea up MY parenting sleeve for next time.
Excellent. Inspired by kids. IT happens!
When we giggled too much, our mom always told us one of us would end up crying before it was over. She was usually right!
Best entry I've read in Internet-land for a long time. You are a rockin' mother.
My favorite moment is when they are trying SOOO hard not to smile. And the laughter starts again even though there are still tear tracks.
I started to eat the sad out of her.
That line is just dying for commentary.
You are an awesome mom, you know that! Very clever, love it :)