;)
Friday
Aug212009
The Post In Which I Negate The Previous Post
Friday, August 21, 2009 at 12:47PM
My son hasn't been able to walk for a few weeks now. His heel bone has been killing him, which is only funny because I didn't know your heel bone was capable of killing you. I imagined it was much like your brain; you could fillet it and scoop it out and grill it while fully conscious and you'd never know, because for some reason god decided to make The Most Important organ in your body without any nerves at all. Also, delicious, or so I'm told. Intelligent Design, my fat white ass.
Anyway, the kid has been gimping around here with a pouty face rivaled only by 17 year old anorexic porn start wanna-bes and that's funny because he's also breaking out in epic proportions and so totally not eating anything. This from the kid that will eat anything that is incapable of eating him back. Either he's watching his figure and bored already with his newly-acquired vegan lifestyle, or he's going through a massive growth spurt.
Two weeks before school starts. Exactly when all the super good sales are going on. He hates me; he really does.
His knees have been aching, his bones are burning, his hips are making him cry. So yeah, he's going to be taller than me in 3.6 hours. Either that or he's caught the Black Death, which he'll catch anyway if I have to buy that kid another shoe wardrobe this year. Seriously, he was a size 4 junior in January. His new Crocs? Men's 6. Six. MEN'S. I don't even want to talk about the store I had to go school shirt shopping at for him, sufficed to say that I picked myself up a few tank tops while I was there and I can handle sharing Clearasil with him and I can even handle the whole "wash your own damn sheets" conversation, but this shopping at the same store as my firstborn? It's just too much reality for one girl to handle.
Yesterday, we went to visit my neighbor who just moved out a few weeks ago and over tea and, yes, one entire carrot cake later *burp*, she told me about her friend's son who is currently in hospital because he keeps having seizures which are abruptly followed with, you guessed it, aching heels, burning femurs and throbbing hips. It's moved into his arms now, and his legs are collapsing in on each other. This is not information I wanted, especially since I keep sending my son to golf camp every day, and golf camp typically involves the slightest bit of walking for fucking ever.
I came home last night fully intent on taking him to the doctor's office first thing this morning, after golf camp of course, but talked myself out of it when I sent my kids to bed. Because I've done the whole, "Dude, your kid has a mosquito bite, not the measles" thing and I've gotten the, "Seriously, three kids later and you still don't know the croup when you see it?" lecture, which comes at the lowlow price of $3,000 and I just don't have any interest in sitting in a doctor's office, scarring the fuck out of my kid, and getting told to have him drink more milk and shall we up your happy pill medication, Captain Münchhausen?
When the first scream came, it sounded like anger. Whatever; they'll work it out. The second scream sounded like pain. They better get their fucking asses in bed, I cautioned the ceiling. The third scream sounded exactly like the sound you have nightmares about your children making. The kind of scream that makes your uterus wince. I ran, 2of3 ran, hell...3of3 dropped what she was doing and ran to the hallway, where we found 1of3 drowning in tears, with a purple face and a sewing needle sticking straight up from his toenail.
Not since he was a toddler have I heard that sound come out of his mouth. I am not prone to freaking out, but I Freaked. The. Fuck. Out. He freaked out. 2of3 freaked out. 3of3 said, "Yay! I get band-aids!" She's kind of dead inside, I think, or disturbingly obsessed with band-aids. Once we ripped the needle out of the toenail and the blood did its squirt-squirt thing all over the floor and he started breathing again, we limped him downstairs and iced his toe with frozen strawberries. Because I suck at Prepared Mom, that's why. Dad defied every posted speed limit in North America and battled a crack whore doing her week's grocery shopping at the 7-11 to procure one bag of ice for us, and we all watched Family Guy until 11 while my son's toe numbed enough that he could get to sleep for golf camp in the morning.
I paid a lot of money for golf camp. And will again for therapy, just later.
And karma once again sunk her yellow pointy teeth into my ass by making damn good and sure my kid did get to the doctor's after all, and since I am so lousy at the mom thing that I won't even take my kid to the doctor when he's got alien armies harvesting his leg bone marrow to keep their hair shiny, now I get to take him for a tetanus shot, which is awesome only because, yeah, he's totally not afraid of needles now or anything.
Anyway, the kid has been gimping around here with a pouty face rivaled only by 17 year old anorexic porn start wanna-bes and that's funny because he's also breaking out in epic proportions and so totally not eating anything. This from the kid that will eat anything that is incapable of eating him back. Either he's watching his figure and bored already with his newly-acquired vegan lifestyle, or he's going through a massive growth spurt.
Two weeks before school starts. Exactly when all the super good sales are going on. He hates me; he really does.
His knees have been aching, his bones are burning, his hips are making him cry. So yeah, he's going to be taller than me in 3.6 hours. Either that or he's caught the Black Death, which he'll catch anyway if I have to buy that kid another shoe wardrobe this year. Seriously, he was a size 4 junior in January. His new Crocs? Men's 6. Six. MEN'S. I don't even want to talk about the store I had to go school shirt shopping at for him, sufficed to say that I picked myself up a few tank tops while I was there and I can handle sharing Clearasil with him and I can even handle the whole "wash your own damn sheets" conversation, but this shopping at the same store as my firstborn? It's just too much reality for one girl to handle.
Yesterday, we went to visit my neighbor who just moved out a few weeks ago and over tea and, yes, one entire carrot cake later *burp*, she told me about her friend's son who is currently in hospital because he keeps having seizures which are abruptly followed with, you guessed it, aching heels, burning femurs and throbbing hips. It's moved into his arms now, and his legs are collapsing in on each other. This is not information I wanted, especially since I keep sending my son to golf camp every day, and golf camp typically involves the slightest bit of walking for fucking ever.
I came home last night fully intent on taking him to the doctor's office first thing this morning, after golf camp of course, but talked myself out of it when I sent my kids to bed. Because I've done the whole, "Dude, your kid has a mosquito bite, not the measles" thing and I've gotten the, "Seriously, three kids later and you still don't know the croup when you see it?" lecture, which comes at the lowlow price of $3,000 and I just don't have any interest in sitting in a doctor's office, scarring the fuck out of my kid, and getting told to have him drink more milk and shall we up your happy pill medication, Captain Münchhausen?
When the first scream came, it sounded like anger. Whatever; they'll work it out. The second scream sounded like pain. They better get their fucking asses in bed, I cautioned the ceiling. The third scream sounded exactly like the sound you have nightmares about your children making. The kind of scream that makes your uterus wince. I ran, 2of3 ran, hell...3of3 dropped what she was doing and ran to the hallway, where we found 1of3 drowning in tears, with a purple face and a sewing needle sticking straight up from his toenail.
Not since he was a toddler have I heard that sound come out of his mouth. I am not prone to freaking out, but I Freaked. The. Fuck. Out. He freaked out. 2of3 freaked out. 3of3 said, "Yay! I get band-aids!" She's kind of dead inside, I think, or disturbingly obsessed with band-aids. Once we ripped the needle out of the toenail and the blood did its squirt-squirt thing all over the floor and he started breathing again, we limped him downstairs and iced his toe with frozen strawberries. Because I suck at Prepared Mom, that's why. Dad defied every posted speed limit in North America and battled a crack whore doing her week's grocery shopping at the 7-11 to procure one bag of ice for us, and we all watched Family Guy until 11 while my son's toe numbed enough that he could get to sleep for golf camp in the morning.
I paid a lot of money for golf camp. And will again for therapy, just later.
And karma once again sunk her yellow pointy teeth into my ass by making damn good and sure my kid did get to the doctor's after all, and since I am so lousy at the mom thing that I won't even take my kid to the doctor when he's got alien armies harvesting his leg bone marrow to keep their hair shiny, now I get to take him for a tetanus shot, which is awesome only because, yeah, he's totally not afraid of needles now or anything.
Reader Comments (46)
The needle in the toenail made me barf a little into my mouth. Ew. I hope he's ok.
I think that band-aids are the little girl answer to whatever ails you. They're like a magic cure-all, or the very best stickers ever.
I hope 1 of 3 is OK. And that his crazy growth does not bankrupt you.
I've read this twice, and I still don't understand why the sewing needle was sticking out of his toenail? To negate the heel pain?
I hope your boy is alright.
Dude - mistakes you make are for your kids to hold against you later. This is the kind of thing that they will come back and use to get that embarrasing baby picture you posted taken off the internet.
A little guilt never hurt anyone... oh, wait...
I "was" going to have lunch while I read through my blog list. Now, after the sewing needle, I think I'll wait til next year. yuck.
I remember when my oldest had her growth spurt and I would not wish that hell on anyone, not even my ex-MIL...well, maybe on her :-)
I hope 1 of 3 ok. Poor kid. Poor mom, too.
I stapled my thumb once. I was five and was somehow possessed to just stick my thumb in the automatic stapler. KABLAM. THAT bled.
And I think you might be ignoring what you probably think is some sort of stalker email from me where I didn't identify myself by my bloggy name, MidLifeMama but by my REAL name (see cleverly disguised blog url) and in which I asked if by some odd chance I had managed to figure out your super secret WSJ appearance. But you have had big things on your agenda, like growing giants in your house. I will officially be too old for this shit when it happens to my kid.
Bandaids and ice can heal every ailment ever. At least from the perspective of a four year old. (Okay, my four year old, I can't speak for the entire age group, I guess.)
Jesus, Mr Lady. That made my stomach jump into my throat...I thought for sure you were going to say he was having a seizure. Not cool.
I'm with Miss Grace though. Was the sewing needle there the whole time or what? Is THAT what was causing the heel pain? Forgive me for being slow...it's Friday.
heh. 3of3 is dead inside?
i love your parenting. i'm taking notes. thanks for the sheet warning, by the way. that'll come in handy.
come in handy!! oh! that's funny :D
The needle in the toenail made me a little lightheaded. I had to lay down for a second...Oy, poor kid, poor Mom!
On the bright side, perhaps 3of3 has a bright career in the medical field ahead of her!
Hm. Sounds like you did just fine. I OTOH slammed my child's head into the roof of the car getting her out of her carseat today.
And how'd he get a needle in his toenail?
Yowwwwwwwza! That sounds so awful, and makes me very squiggly inside.
YIKES.
My mom was sewing when we were little on a sewing machine and ran over her thumbnail with the needle. It broke off in her thumb and she was pretty ninja about it. She was all "I think I might need to go to the doctor..."
I would have probably pissed myself.
I hope he's okay and his heel pain ceases. Perhaps the toe pain will take his mind off of it.
Owie owie owie owie owie!!!! I think I'm gonna throw up... Hope he's ok. Shuddering over here...
That made me squint...ouch, I hope 1of3 heals up quick.
As a side note, I have also made that "intelligent design my ass" quip to my father, the Elder, in which all I received was an icy stare and a lecture about Armageddon and really I will never do that again (at least to him) because I cannot sit through that speech one more time.
So I know, kinda.
Also, I was mildly obsessed with band-aids and I turned out okay and in the medical field. So it's all good. :)
My husband had this thing called Osgood-Schlatter, that made growing really painful. But it was in his knees, not his heel. Could 1of3's growth plates be inflamed in some way such that it would cause pain? Maybe they could give him an anti-inflammatory.
I'm not a doctor, but surely there's something they can do to help. Poor kid.
Was he doing amateur acupuncture with the needle or what? Yikes!
My mom used to make me eat 2-3 bananas a day when I was going through the "growing pains". It seemed to help quite a bit.
So how did he get the needle in his toe? Did he stick it there himself?
Growth spurts scare me. My almost-five-month-old is still wearing 0-3month clothes but she's on the tall side so I bet she's going to shoot up quicker than I can keep up. Sorry about the heel pain.
I can attest to the fact that your heel can kill you--on a bareboat vacation to the BVI a few years ago with my family, then-BF & now-BIL, I jumped off a rock on the 3rd day kinda hard, and WOW, the pain. I had to limp around the rest of the week (a sailboat is not conducive to a foot injury. Oh and when you have your beloved Lilly (Pulitzer) dresses & matching pink 4" heels, you do NOT let a foot injury get in the way.), while my family & BF & future-BIL mercilessly made fun of me for being a wuss.
The joke was on them. I went to a podiatrist when we got home and it turned out I had broken my heel. Turns out I actually have an extremely high tolerance for pain (still don't believe me? After nose surgery 4 weeks ago, I didn't want to be on heavy narcotics, so I only took Tylenol w/ coedine for a couple days & then regular Tylenol. I am a champ at pain!)...I feel for 1of3, though I hope I *NEVER* have to stick a needle into my toe nail to relieve the pressure *shudder*...
Cheer up this stuff is only going to last another 10 to 15 years. I`m an oldest of 9 father of 3 and grumpa to 10. Your life is just getting into the wow this is really interesting stage.
The heel pain is probably planta faciitis, have him write the alphabet with his foot before he gets out of bed in morning absolutely no bare feet at all!
Oy that was hard to read because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop (no pun intended). I hope he's OK. My little brother (who is 9 years younger and 6' 6") used to wake up in the night with growing pains. He'd tell my mom his bones ached. And my husband had a hairline fracture in his heel once. Took awhile to diagnose.
PS - You're an awesome mom, stop selling yourself short.
Now I'll be sleeping with my shoes on for months. Glad he's okay. Gad, that hurt me.
Ouch.
Thanks for bringing back the childhood memory of the time I stepped on a nail and it went all the way up through my heel and into my leg.
They had to pull it out with pliers it was in so deep.
Gah.
oof.
my 6 yr old suffered from growing pain horribly...then he started going to the chiropractor and has no more.
I have a heel spur and it hurts so bad it makes me want to cry sometimes,
all that to say, I hope he feels better and I'm starting to put aside money for my kids' therapy now. =)
I was a very tall child (I finished kindergarden at 5' tall) and often times growing can be very painful. I would still have it checked out esp. since he is off his feed.
3 of 3 has what it takes to be an assassin. May I train her?
Yeah, I'm sort of confused too. He stuck the needle in there himself because of his heel?? Or he stepped on it and it somehow went through his toe? I mean, either way OWEE, but I totally can't get a mental picture of what actually happened. And if he did that to himself, dayum. I've stuck needles into the pads of my fingers on purpose (don't ask, I was a weird teenager) but through the nail? Shit.
Ok that just sounds freaking painful. Did it go all the way through the toe?? Yeah I think I would have screamed too.
One sort of possibility about the heel pain (other than growing pain sort of things which is probably more likely) would be plantar fascitis. It's an inflammation of the tendons and muscles in the bottom of the foot that can cause pretty bad heel pain, especially when first standing up. I've had it before (and do now) and my crocs are irritating the hell out of it. Hope the tetanus shot isn't too bad.
all i can say is thank goodness MY kids have grown up and we/they all survived. it's a minefield. you have my sympathies. and admiration! :-)
Ouch! How did the needle get in the toe nail? Glad he is ok. Hope the heel pain eases up.
Wow. My littliest one just got a full-leg cast off from slipping on a toy car and fracturing his growth plate in his ankle.
But he's still limping.
And now we have to go get ANOTHER OPINION since the first two x-rays were "it might be broken".
Oh, and those cast saws that "can't cut your skin"... CAN.
ok.
i have 5 kids, and there are very few things that make me queasy anymore.
congratulations. you found one.
How. Did. The. Needle. Get. In. His. Toe.
I remember my brother stepping on a needle and it broke off in his foot and my grandma was all...whatever, it'll get pussy and come out on it's own. And then a couple days later he woke up and there was this angry purple line that went from his heel all the way up his leg. Then I was standing outside a Drs office listening to my brother scream like he was being dragged into hell as they were digging the piece of infected needle out. Or maybe it was the shot that made him scream. I quite enjoyed the whole show. Maybe I'm dead inside like #3of3. I blame my grandma.
you sound like a pretty good momma to me. i hope your son is well and nothing to worry about. us momma's are made strong, built to last, ok, that's a ford commercial...i'm making a point here. you are strong. breathe easy and do go to the doctor bc seriously, that's what they are there for!
Remember me telling you that my eldest was leaving for college 'soon'? Well, 'soon' has become TO-fucking-MORROW. That's right. I can't sleep cuz I'm dreading the whole sobbing-in-the-driveway goodbye scene that will happening in about 7 hours or so.
I think I'm going to go into his room and try to stick a needle through his toe. Maybe that'll delay the process a few more days.
I'm sure it's wrong to laugh at your kid's pain, but dude, that was hilarious.
I ripped my toenail off on a desk chair mat the other day. I've had brain and boob surgery without narcotics. My toe? Worst. pain. ever. Seriously wondered if I was dying.
I too will be at a doctor soon. Because none of my immunizations took (immune system fail), so tell your son know that shots are for winners. And that they hurt much less *not* under your toenail.
Why? How?
Oh mah holy hell.
GAH!!!!!!!!! I'm a bit squidgie now.
Thank goodness I do not sew, and the only sewing needle I had (which came from an ancient hotel sewing kit) broke in half last week while I was trying to sew up a toy duck...yes, a duck. My daughter thinks its hilarious fun to rip it, and take the stuffing out.
When we do the mommy thing well, wow its rewarding. When we miss a step, wow is it humbling. But we are in there doing it and that should count for something!
Maybe others have asked this, but isn't a sewing needle like huge? Or am I thinking of a knitting needle? Because that's a completely different story!
So did you ever figure out what the heel/knee/hip thing was all about?
I've stepped on a needle and had it break in the process and required my buddy, a pair of needle nosed pliers, and me locking my arms through a chair to remove it.
Tell your kid it could be worse.
Poor kid! Maybe now would be a good time to slip in some mommy TLC with a preteen that pretends he wishes he had no parents, but likely needs them more than ever.
Wow! My kid is 9, yep 9 and he is in a mens 6. So, I totally am hating the whole shoe shopping thing.
Also, at least you saw the needle. My friend did not and 6 weeks later, surgery was performed to get that sucker out.
Oh, ouch. My own personal 1 of 3 had his big toenail ripped off when his younger brother shut a door on it, and I still have nightmares about it. It was the grossest, nastiest, most horrific looking thing. They had to finish removing it, surgically, at the hospital, because it was sticking straight up and... enough, I can't go on. Thanks for letting me relive that little parenting nightmare.
Wait.
How in the HELL did he get a sewing needle in his toe?!?!?!?