;)
Monday
Aug032009
In The Land Of Milk And Oprah
Monday, August 3, 2009 at 4:46AMA cautionary tale of love in the time of methadone
You can make a bomb out of any old thing you’ve got lying around the house, really, so long as you’re bored enough and have the right teachers in school. Like my ½ of 11th grade chemistry teacher, who was my older brother’s full-year grade 11 chemistry teacher, who actually was such an brilliant fucking genius that he was compelled to teach a depressed, bored, impoverished and abused adolescent how to make exactly such a kitchen-sink bomb, and that adolescent went on, ironically enough, to just about blow the entire damn kitchen up one day with a dollar bill, a splash of rubbing alcohol and some ovaltine.
That very teacher also supplied my brother with an impressive stash of contemporary art magazines, highlighting the wonders of the female form and calling into question everything we know about physics and the elasticity of the human ligaments. That fact came to light after one over-zealous younger brother dared to traverse the dark abyss that was our attic, distracted only momentarily by the 'Red Hots Candies Trap' cleverly laid out at the entrance to said attic, and by Red Hots candy I, of course, mean 'Huge Fucking Pile Of Sudafed'. Said little brother came to eventually and ratted his brother out. Dirty, drugged out snitch.
This information is quite important to keep in the back of your head before you travel. Especially on a budget. Because you just never know when someone is going to give you credit for being a whole lot smarter than you are and totally fuck you in the process.
Like if, say, you're coming home from a long weekend away from the family and you decide to go with your two best friends in blog out sightseeing and to pick up some trinkets for the family.
And you get so lucky as to find your way into Trader Joe's for the first time in your life, and you see the Mecca of Wine Racks that you've waited five years to see, ever since one night on an apartment stoop with an unforgivably cute boy who first introduced you to Chuck and his $2 glory
And so you pick up a bottle for old times sake and then grab a 6 pack of DogFish Head which is brewed in Milton, Delaware, so no one carries it but Trader Joe's does and then you stop at Walgreens to get your kids their snow-globes. Because every time you travel, you get your kids snow globes. It's an important tradition, like forcing unsuspecting men to take numerous photographs with you against their will. Or circumcision.
So you gather yea rosebuds and American booze and inexpensive tokens of your everlasting love and devotion and head to your airport of choice to fly home, this time bearing only photocopies of your immigration papers because Canada knew something you didn't and tried to tell you to stay home, but you never listen, even when it sends Donald Sutherland to tell you for it.
And then you get to the airport, late, because, well, nature called.
That counts as nature, right? You get there late and the machine won't let you check in at the kiosk so the very tall and disinterested in you entirely airport attendant asks you to see the lady behind the desk, but the lady behind the desk doesn't want to see you, so she doesn't. For a really long time. Like, excessively long. And then she finally takes your $20 and lets you check in, and THEN she tells you your bag is overweight. And you're totally going to miss your flight. So you take out the fastest, heaviest items and she slides your bag through and as you try to re-pack them in your carry on you realize that Two Buck Chuck and DogFish head are both made of liquid and shit, you're hosed. So you give the attendant your booze and wish her a happy day. And then you cry.
But you still have your kids presents, right? Right. Until you go through security and you totally get The Dreaded Bag Inspection and the guy comes up to you and says, "Ma'am, we have a problem." And oh, how the tears begin to flow. Because he called you MA'AM and you're thirtyfuckingfour for Christ's sake, but whatever. He'd totally hit it. And that's when he tells you that
Snow globes cannot, for any reason, come through security, because we have no way of knowing what's in them.
And you think, um, well, Chicago is in those, moron, but you're so over it that you, between poorly suppressed sniffles, say, "Oh, just take them already." And then the security dude, thinking that maybe he has a chance or something, says,
I'll make you a deal. I'll keep the big ones, and you can have the little one.
Which does you a fat lot of good, seeing how you have THREE kids, but whatever, and what, are you saying I can blow something up a little bit? Grrr. So you take your one little non-threatening snow-globe and you go to replace the gifts. With $20. For two kids and a spouse. And you don't have more than $20 because in Canada, you can only withdraw so much currency in one day or they lock your account and you had to pay for a hotel room and a cab ride and lunch and makeup (because you totally thought you'd done so well budgeting and shit, yo) (also, NORDSTROMS) and you couldn't take out any more. At all. Period.
So you go home to your children with the 2 for $20 t-shirts they had at the Hudson News store that are not only hideous, they're the size of Shaq, and nothing more than empty promises of laundry folding and blow jobs for your spouse, when in reality you won't fold laundry for at least another month and as for the other thing, yeah, you're spent.
But the kids love the shirts anyway and your husband loves that you thought enough about his feelings to lie through your damn teeth about sex and housework just to make him feel better and even though you lost your phone and your really good makeup brushes on the airplane so you can't even use the new Trish McEvoy compact you've waited TWO YEARS to buy, you didn't lose your BlogHer swag bag and guess what? Fuck the naysayers; that shit saved my ASS.
Neener, neener, indeed.
Reader Comments (63)
Why am I really really tired all of a sudden?
Do you think I could send you snow globes? Cause I totally would.
Glad that you made it back to your gang in one piece and that the trip worked out after all. The booze getting taken away is just about enough to make me bawl. But then I am tired and that could be why.
My husband totally got his snowglobes yanked by the TSA, too.
Wow, that sound like way more fun than it was. Anyway, that's what we always bring home for our kids, too. And those rat bastards snatched 'em. Of course, you can buy them on the other fucking side of the inspection where the water in the snowglobes is sacred. What. Fucking. Ever.
So glad these two countries got their collective shit together just enough to let you cross the boarder for BlogHer. It was a treat to get to see your smiling face.
Smooches!
Bastards took my snow globes too when I came back from a funeral around the holidays for my grandmother.
Couldn't afford the late notice, holiday season tickets for our family of five, so I went alone.
I tried to make up for it with those snow globes, thought I was being smart not allowing them to get damaged in my suitcase(I always cringe but can't look away as I see them throw, kick and jump my suitcase into the plane) and carried them on, and the fuckers took them.
Funny enough?
They took the two big ones, however, when I got home, I found I had forgot about the Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer Check game.
Ha! THIRTY Fucking mini-snow globes they missed. Seriously! Whoop!
As for the alcohol, that's just criminal. I sometimes think those guys go shopping when they look in bags. Merry Fucking Christmas, you fat bastards. Sigh!
~Scout
snow globes? seriously?
(why, yes, I did just watch a "is TSA really cracking down on terrorists or are doing more to harass people who are completely not terrorists?" segment on 60 minutes.)
Next time, shove them down the front of your pants and just act like a drag queen.
I believe you have my red stapler.
And I bet all that shit was worth it in the end wasn't it? I'm glad you made it there and back. Safe.
Oh, dear. Glad you said eff it and went to see your bloggers, anyhow! Bummed your beer couldn't travel with! (and the snow globes. of course those.) ;p
hooray for the swag!
So sorry about the snowglobes. Glad to see they're still profiling at the airport. I'm positive "Sweet, Hot Mamas from Canada" are now being recruited.
Criminy.
Ohhhhhhhhh shit.
Part of the reason I want you to come to Wisconsin instead of me visiting you is because I know once I get you here you'll never be able to get back into your country and I can keep you forever. (So yeah, you'd better bring your family if you ever want to see them again. We've got plenty of two-buck Chuck here.)
If you go visit Maggie in WI, I'm coming there too. I adore Madison (as she knows).
Also, I love that the harrowing part of this story was about snow globes rather than photocopied immigration documents, which is totally where it would have gone in my (boring) world. Awesome.
Such drama! I hope you washed that stapler before shoving it in your mouth. You don't know where it's been.
I am weeping for the loss of your makeup brushes!
Also - Emma and I do the snow globe thing, too! She has New York City in her bedroom and is quickly amassing a collection of places she'll see "FOR REALS!" some day.
What a pain in the ass! You want some Texas snowglobes? I'll send you some. They have tumbleweeds in them instead of snow, though.
And don't you wanna just ask who takes home all the TSA swag? Seriously. Someone needs to address all of THAT swag.
Its official. You are the worst traveler I have ever seen. You like 311? Learn something new every day.
@Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo, can I just come get them?
@habanerogal, the worst part is that I had to HAND IT OVER. Crimes against humanity, man, I tell you what.
@califmom, you fucked cancer in the eye. Sorry, I'm just never moving on beyond that moment in our relationship. :)
@Scout's Honor, *channels Napoleon* LUCKY!
You need to write about your adventures of traveling, all of them.. because there are like a billion of them and sell it.. because well, no one travels quite like you.. and it would make you billions..where you can then go and buy your kids all the snow globes in the world because you're riding in your own personal jet..
Remember that guy who drank an entire bottle of vodka at the security gate rather than give it up? You should have done that. With the snow globes.
I am so hurt and mad for you about the alcohol. Too bad you couldn't just call someone and have them come pick it up so that at least the TSA bastards don't get it. What A$$HAT$. :-(
The snowglobes suck, too. Why can you take small ones but not big ones? SHEESH!
@whall, giggle.
@BusyDad, if I drank a whole bottle of vodka at the gate, I'd be giving it up to EVERYONE. And then throwing it up. But thanks.
@Kori, VIVA LA FREE GIFTS!
@Matt, oh my god, have you just met me? Oh, wait....
That's like the saddest thing I've ever read.
I live like 2 blocks from a Trader Joe's and I'd be more than happy to send you some 2 buck Chuck and Dogfish head. Seriously. I'd do it.
Let me know.
Snow globe confiscation? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? All of us shouldn't be allowed out of the country, yo.
First of all, I love your comment form.
Second of all, the pictures are awesome.
Third of all, people who think you would lie about that shit are poopie-heads.
@Overflowing Brain (Katie), you are coming dangerously close to being my best friend. Not kidding.
Oh, Nordstrom counts as nature alright ;-)
So heartbroken you had to leave the wine and snow globes behind! This "no liquids" rule is totally messing us up.
@Grace, that is fairly epic, yo.
@Kim, says the woman who had to carry my curse with her last year and spend HOW MANY hours on a tarmac? Yeah, sorry about that. :)
@feefifoto, sadly enough, http://www.flickr.com/photos/suebobdavis/3768917355/in/set-72157621761524743/" rel="nofollow">I DO.
@Mr Lady, I'm not even kidding. If you're willing to email me your home address, I'll hook you up Trader Joe style. I'd even throw in chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels (my favorite TJ item).
When I got home and was dolling out presents (see Mr. Potato head and Strawberry Shortcake and stuff that I also bought at the Hudson News Store), my husband was all, "I thought you would bring me beer from Chicago..." And then I remembered that I totally didn't bring him shit.
And now I don't feel bad because that beer wouldn't have been able to come on the plane. And I so would have chugged it at the gate. Trust.
@ZDub, BELIEF.
It thought that was really interesting the way you were able to take that stapler and find one the same color as your top.
Welcome back. She's ho-ooome.
Canada has rules about money too? Really, I don't see what you see in them, except the landscape and people and your family and all. Seeing that you had escaped Canadian tyranny and miraculously landed in the land of Whiskey and Oprah was a good omen, though, and it is a legend I will tell myself when all feels lost against the evils of bureaucrasy and small-mindedness and injustice.
So... I saw you out in the city on Sunday. I was walking right behind you for several blocks, right before noon. But it seemed like there was shit going on from what I could hear, so I lagged behind and didn't say hi.
So maybe, next time, we'll do more than tweet from table to table and I'll actually get to say HI and give you a hug and we can squee.
Deal?
Oh, and I heart me some Trader Joe's, too.
I KNEW we were compatible. ;)
For reals. That shit saved my ass too. Who knew my kids would be so happy to see me just because I was carting some boas and Jibbitz into the house?
All you had to do was ASK and I would have shipped them for you. How many people would try to learn how to ship things throught customs for you? Now you know why I DRIVE everywhere.
Shit, I can only see 3 or 4 photos... Whatever.
Sorry you had such a rough time at the airport! Freaking security. It's RIDICULOUS.
He shouldn't have been up there... If he had not been there he would have not stumbled upon the ‘Huge Fucking Pile Of Sudafed’ I don't even feel bad. ^_-
I never REALLY blew anything up, well got caught anyway.
Trader Joe's 2 buck chuck always ruins my budget because it is a hop skip and jump away from my house. It is the best 2 buck chuck in the world.
Love the last picture, too cute. It's Lil' Miss Potato Head...
I still have yet to set foot in a Trader Joe's. I am jealous. I do, however, live 5 minutes from DogfishHead Brewery. And yeah, we met at the MamaPop party for about 2 seconds, so you can now say you know someone who lives in Delaware.
I had a security incident myself. Sorta forgot I had a bag of strawberry ice cream topping in my carryon. And you KNOW that stuff is lethal. Strangely, it was back in my bag when I got home. Guess I don't look like a terrorist.
Glad you made it back home and the swag saved your rep with the kiddos!