;)
Friday
Sep252009
At Some Point, I'm Going To Have To Admit That The Frog Brain Conversation Is Actually The Easiest One To Have, And Give Up
Friday, September 25, 2009 at 1:10AM
Every night at dinner, we sit together and I ask each boy how their day at school was. They both say, "humnaschmurna." Then I ask 2of3 what his favorite part of the day was and he says recess. I ask 1of3 next and he says quantum physics.
I have vastly different children.
At this point, we usually eat and talk about that kid who got in trouble or the new toy in the Scholastic flyer or which dead animals they'll be dissecting this year. Last night, I wasn't feeling up to pig-gut talk, because I am an old fuddy duddy and no fun at all, so I asked 2of3 if he'd made any headway with his girl.
Last year, he fell in LOVE with a grade 4 girl. Like, wrote her sonnets and shit. This year, she's in 5 and he's in 4 and maybe the kid stands a chance, right? It was worth asking. We talked about her for a while and then I asked 1of3 if there was anyone special in his world. He said NO. I said, "Really, no one? And he said NOMAWMNO. I told him I wasn't trying to tease him, that I really, honestly wanted to know and he said, "I know you're being sincere, mom, but JUSTNONOWSTOP." All one word.
I said Huh. I said that wow, I had my first major crush when I was 6 or 7. They asked about him and I told them that he was the popular, rich-ish kid who tormented me from the first day of first grade until the last day of fifth grade. I told them what a bully that guy was, that I have dreams about him still, I just beat the snot out of him in them now. I told them that I didn't know why I had such a hang-up for Mr Matt Crowers, asshole extraordinaire, but I did.
Then I told them about Keith Scheshpin, and I know for a fact that's spelled wrong but I can't for the life of me remember how to spell it right. I told them out how cute he was, and how responsible he was, and how much older than me he was, so much that he didn't even know I existed. But he went to my church and I luuuuurved him, for a very long time. And now I can't remember what he looked like, not at all. Not even hair color. Love is fickle.
And then I told them about Jason Morawski, my very first "boyfriend." I was 13, he was 12, and I still have a metric shitton of pictures of him in my keepsake box. He was my first kiss, if you count a very tightly-closed lip-bump a kiss. I told them about how much Jason and I liked each other...like, we'd totally hold pinkies when no one was looking. I told them about how Jason's sister was my best friend, so I could never totally be swoony over Jason because I had to share my heart with him and his sister as equally as I could.
1of3 interrupted me and said, "So, he was just about my age, huh?" and I so totally threw up because man oh lordy, maybe I only tapped lips with that boy and just once, but I thought about much worse and he was the same age that my baby boy is almost now and that is just gross and wrong and I cannot believe some girl is going to think those thoughts about my baby like, next year, and still have his school picture from this year in the bottom of a wooden crate in 2030. God help me. God help ALL OF US.
And then I told them about Chris Sanders, the boy in my church congregation from New Jersey who was my first very much so real kiss, and who was very much so older than me, but the kiss was totally called for because we were close friends for a really long time but since he was so very much older than me, we never could "like" each other. But he came to hang out with me the night my mother snuck out while I was in the shower and took my brother and sister with her so that, when I left in a few hours for the airport to move in with my dad, I couldn't say goodbye to anyone. Not the best night of my life. So Chris came over, helped me un-child-lock the MTV and get the buckles on the suitcase closed and he kiiiiiiiissed me before he left that night. Like, 'soap-opera, arm around the waist, been waiting two years to do this' kiss.
Dude, first kisses are the greatest kisses in the history of kissing mankind. So are last ones. Especially when they happen at the same time.
And then I told them about Andy Ritchie, who went to high school with me and was as close to a 'boyfriend' as I had in high school except that he didn't go to my church and in my religion, you don't associate with people who weren't also a member of that religion, so I couldn't ever be his girlfriend. But I wanted to be, oh god did I ever. He was Irish and Portuguese, making him just about the most beautiful human on the planet, with the best hair, and he was an artist. He introduced me to Jane's Addiction and camouflage clothing and he actually came to visit me after I moved to Colorado in our junior year of high school. But I never got to have the first kiss, or the last one, with him.
I kept talking, because I don't know when to shut up, as if you didn't notice that by paragraph 83 of this post. I told them about a boy I met in high school named Scott who didn't really like me so much but I was infatuated with. Over the moon for. Obsessively stalking. Whatever. I told them about how much I wanted that boy to like me, and how much he didn't until after high school, but then he asked me to marry him one day on some train tracks behind my house.
And then I told them about this other guy I met, right after I broke up with Scott, and how I knew the very second I saw him that I wanted to marry him and have a bunch of babies with him. It took him a while to warm up to me, but eventually he came around and we fell in love and his name was Josh (our last name). They giggled.
And then 2of3 said, "Jeez, mom, I was wondering how long it was going to take you to get to our dad." Great, my kids think I'm a ho.
As if that's not bad enough, 1of3 said, and I wish I was kidding, "Mom, I think it's kind of weird that you've always had crushes on boys who you couldn't have." I said, "whuu?" and he said, "Mom, all of the guys you liked were either too old, or hated you, or went to your church, or didn't know you existed. Why didn't you just like someone who liked you first?"
You know what? We're eating in front of the tv from now on.
I have vastly different children.
At this point, we usually eat and talk about that kid who got in trouble or the new toy in the Scholastic flyer or which dead animals they'll be dissecting this year. Last night, I wasn't feeling up to pig-gut talk, because I am an old fuddy duddy and no fun at all, so I asked 2of3 if he'd made any headway with his girl.
Last year, he fell in LOVE with a grade 4 girl. Like, wrote her sonnets and shit. This year, she's in 5 and he's in 4 and maybe the kid stands a chance, right? It was worth asking. We talked about her for a while and then I asked 1of3 if there was anyone special in his world. He said NO. I said, "Really, no one? And he said NOMAWMNO. I told him I wasn't trying to tease him, that I really, honestly wanted to know and he said, "I know you're being sincere, mom, but JUSTNONOWSTOP." All one word.
I said Huh. I said that wow, I had my first major crush when I was 6 or 7. They asked about him and I told them that he was the popular, rich-ish kid who tormented me from the first day of first grade until the last day of fifth grade. I told them what a bully that guy was, that I have dreams about him still, I just beat the snot out of him in them now. I told them that I didn't know why I had such a hang-up for Mr Matt Crowers, asshole extraordinaire, but I did.
Then I told them about Keith Scheshpin, and I know for a fact that's spelled wrong but I can't for the life of me remember how to spell it right. I told them out how cute he was, and how responsible he was, and how much older than me he was, so much that he didn't even know I existed. But he went to my church and I luuuuurved him, for a very long time. And now I can't remember what he looked like, not at all. Not even hair color. Love is fickle.
And then I told them about Jason Morawski, my very first "boyfriend." I was 13, he was 12, and I still have a metric shitton of pictures of him in my keepsake box. He was my first kiss, if you count a very tightly-closed lip-bump a kiss. I told them about how much Jason and I liked each other...like, we'd totally hold pinkies when no one was looking. I told them about how Jason's sister was my best friend, so I could never totally be swoony over Jason because I had to share my heart with him and his sister as equally as I could.
1of3 interrupted me and said, "So, he was just about my age, huh?" and I so totally threw up because man oh lordy, maybe I only tapped lips with that boy and just once, but I thought about much worse and he was the same age that my baby boy is almost now and that is just gross and wrong and I cannot believe some girl is going to think those thoughts about my baby like, next year, and still have his school picture from this year in the bottom of a wooden crate in 2030. God help me. God help ALL OF US.
And then I told them about Chris Sanders, the boy in my church congregation from New Jersey who was my first very much so real kiss, and who was very much so older than me, but the kiss was totally called for because we were close friends for a really long time but since he was so very much older than me, we never could "like" each other. But he came to hang out with me the night my mother snuck out while I was in the shower and took my brother and sister with her so that, when I left in a few hours for the airport to move in with my dad, I couldn't say goodbye to anyone. Not the best night of my life. So Chris came over, helped me un-child-lock the MTV and get the buckles on the suitcase closed and he kiiiiiiiissed me before he left that night. Like, 'soap-opera, arm around the waist, been waiting two years to do this' kiss.
Dude, first kisses are the greatest kisses in the history of kissing mankind. So are last ones. Especially when they happen at the same time.
And then I told them about Andy Ritchie, who went to high school with me and was as close to a 'boyfriend' as I had in high school except that he didn't go to my church and in my religion, you don't associate with people who weren't also a member of that religion, so I couldn't ever be his girlfriend. But I wanted to be, oh god did I ever. He was Irish and Portuguese, making him just about the most beautiful human on the planet, with the best hair, and he was an artist. He introduced me to Jane's Addiction and camouflage clothing and he actually came to visit me after I moved to Colorado in our junior year of high school. But I never got to have the first kiss, or the last one, with him.
I kept talking, because I don't know when to shut up, as if you didn't notice that by paragraph 83 of this post. I told them about a boy I met in high school named Scott who didn't really like me so much but I was infatuated with. Over the moon for. Obsessively stalking. Whatever. I told them about how much I wanted that boy to like me, and how much he didn't until after high school, but then he asked me to marry him one day on some train tracks behind my house.
And then I told them about this other guy I met, right after I broke up with Scott, and how I knew the very second I saw him that I wanted to marry him and have a bunch of babies with him. It took him a while to warm up to me, but eventually he came around and we fell in love and his name was Josh (our last name). They giggled.
And then 2of3 said, "Jeez, mom, I was wondering how long it was going to take you to get to our dad." Great, my kids think I'm a ho.
As if that's not bad enough, 1of3 said, and I wish I was kidding, "Mom, I think it's kind of weird that you've always had crushes on boys who you couldn't have." I said, "whuu?" and he said, "Mom, all of the guys you liked were either too old, or hated you, or went to your church, or didn't know you existed. Why didn't you just like someone who liked you first?"
You know what? We're eating in front of the tv from now on.
Reader Comments (42)
I hate it when my kid is not only observant, but right to boot. (but I'm giggling nonetheless)
Holy crap! I was first?!
I'm laughing too hard to compose a decent comment. Sorry.
You loved Matt Crowers? Hmm. Maybe I still have a chance.
heh, mom's a trollop!
1of3's parting comment is pure genius:
“Mom, I think it’s kind of weird that you’ve always had crushes on boys who you couldn’t have.” I said, “whuu?” and he said, “Mom, all of the guys you liked were either too old, or hated you, or went to your church, or didn’t know you existed. Why didn’t you just like someone who liked you first?”
Yeah, well if we all had the benefit of hindsight we'd all be well balanced, well adjusted, and there would be nothing worth reading about, because an emotional train wreck is always more interesting!
Oh man, glad I'm not there yet :)
That is why I won't share my crushes with my kids. Loved the post though.
1of3 is way smart. I've told our dogs about all of my women, and their only response was "ok, so do we get something to eat now?".
OMG, sounds ilke my girls. They are way too smart for their own good!
LOL, where was 1of3 and his advice when I was in high school!
You have reminded me of all the crap I have forgotten about my life. Seriously. And you are right, first kisses are THE BEST. And I am wholely unprepared for my kid being even a third as smart as 1 of 3.
Perceptive. Although I've tried the liking the guy who liked me first and it really didn't get me anywhere good. They're usually a dweeb or disfunctional.
LOL
I haven't had this conversation yet. I know it's coming though.
Does anyone ever like someone who actually likes them back and stuff? At least before their 20th birthday? I actually think it's impossible.
Damn smart kids. Like they know anything. :)
Thanks for the fun story. Oh, and I totally have "those" pictures too, except mine are actually immortalized in a scrapbook.
Haha, wow. Kids can be brutally honest. There you are, trying to tell them stories, and they're giving you crap. That's not very nice. Too funny though. ;)
You totally gotta remind him of this conversation again in 4 or 5 years and he's wondering "why? Why? WHY? She hasn't texted him back".
And then once more on his wedding day.
Smart Kids!! We have the same conversations at the dinner table, and I too get pounded on for my actions as a kid in middle school and high school. We always say "Do as I say, not as I do, cuz I learned my lessons the hard way, yo.". It's creepy to even think about my 15 year old man-child having a girlfriend and KNOWING that he is not as innocent as I would like to think he SHOULD be.
Great post.
Hilarious! Where do kids pick up that uncanny ability to bring such simple and immediate clarity to these things? Yup. TV from here on out sounds like a good plan.
Your 1of3 is one SMART kid! That's very observant.
I also really enjoyed this post, and that you could open up to your kids about all that. It's really nice to hear about families that *talk* to each other, and tell stories. As an adult, I've realized that I don't know much about my parents from when they were young - mostly because I never *asked*. We did talk though - it was just usually about things going on right then, or books, or things like that.
I need to concur; Dinner conversation is a dying art and it's awesome that you can share with your boys like that. I really hope that when our 1 of 1 hits the right ages we can be that open and not drowned out with EWWWW.
Huh.
Who knew.
I wished your son would have explained that me as well.
P.S. I don't think you're a ho.
Your son should have his own radio show. Dr. 1of3 on AM 1015 Mondays through Fridays at 4:30pm.
It's a shame...they were always boys you couldn't have....because of the way and persuasion in which you (we) were raised. Those were the only choices. People available that you didn't really want, or the ones you really want but be damned to have because of the rules. I hear ya sister, and commiserate.
Becky - who has been reading you for 2 years or so, and just now commented, but has been emphatically nodding all the way.
HA! That's hilarious. I love it. I do NOT look forward to these convo's w/ my boys!!!
This totally sounds like my life, minus mom sneaking out with my siblings. She CHECKED out, leaving us all to wander around wondering why mom was sleeping so much and why it was suddenly okay for Stepfuck #4 to watch us shower, but other than that, we are TWINS. I didn't like a guy who truly like me back until I met Steve. And I wish I was kidding, because dude, I already had been married twice with three kids, you would think ONE of the others liked me a little bit, but no, they just thought I had nice tits and/or money. HA.
Sam already has two girlfriends. I am wondering, though, what KIND of "girlfriends," as they all really just talk about their EZ Bake Ovens.
Now there are all kinds of stories I want to tell. Only I don't have the energy to write them up. But they do involve swoony kisses and unrequited crushes. 1of3 is waaaay smart (not that you didn't know that). I love him.
lol...My kid thinks I'm a total nutjob...and ever since he told his best friend who he like, who then told his mom, who told me, and I told him I knew...He's never admitted another crush again. I'm sad...so sad...
Today my sweet daughter told me today that her and her best friend had made a pact to never get married, and move intogether and be rich and famous together...and have 3 dogs each...
I'm screwed...
please ignore your stats while you will notice my ISP hanging at your site for a little over a week while I take notes. 'Cause if I told my kids "I dated boys until I grew bored, noticed someone cuter, more fun or had a better car then I'd cheat on them. Rinse and repeat. I called them 'insurance policies', your grandparents called them 'my flavor of the month'...." well, they whole moral dilemma would become the next tangible diner table convo.
wish i had a dollar for every time my son said something insightful. i'd be a rich woman and he's only 7.
i'm not brave enough to share all this stuff with my kids. but you are so right on that first kiss yo.
Ohhhhh man. . .the memories are flooding back. . .you are so right. . about all of it. . I am DREADING when it's my turn for these conversations. . .especially since my genes are flowing through my 3, and I did tend to have a yen for asshole types. . .ohhhh no? Hopefully my husbands angel genes can counteract mine:)
awwwwwwwwwwwwwww
really. I have nothing to say but, awwwwwwwwwwwwww
and Sonny with a Chance may be a bit obnoxious.. but, it makes for great distracting TV at dinner time :-)
I shouldn't have read this so late at night. Now I'm going to drift off to sleep and probably have nightmares about all my early awkward boy experiences. Or non-experiences. You made me remember Larry White from 6th grade. Really? I could have done without remembering him.
I can only imagine what kind of crap my kids are going to fling my way.
priceless. it's true tho, they are really good question they are asking mr. lady!!
OK, he may be insightful, but I think that sort of observation merits no dessert. At MINIMUM. Really, who needs that sort of observation 20 years later? It's not like you can go back and make better relationship choices as a 14-year-old. Plus, all 14-year-olds make kind of bad relationship choices. Except, maybe, yours. So at least you've got that going for you.
I started an old boyfriend story with my 14 year old the other day. Then I remembered the story ended with the boyfriend bilking his mom out of $100 and us smoking weed all weekend. Talk about an abrupt end to a conversation.
I can't wait to scare my kids with stories of all the stupid things I did as a kid/teenager. Maybe they'll listen (doubtfull) and not make the same mistakes.
As long as they don't tell my mom.....she still doesn't know the half of it!
Well, at least you didn't tell them about your huge crush on me.
i remember why the ....truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth ..applies to the kids not the parents .
didn't we always love the untouchables! I still remember walking across the playground after school one day and a boy rode his bike up to me and said "Do you want to go with me?" and I was so smart and replied "Go where". He told everyone in the entire school that I did not even know what "going with" meant. Which I sort of did not? My parents FORBADE me from having anything to do with boys!