Friday
Sep042009
I'm Not Drunk Yet, I Swear
Friday, September 4, 2009 at 9:35AM | Mr Lady
My husband and I have never been on an airplane together. Our version of a honeymoon was leaving the 5 month old human who looked like us with his grandmother and staying the night at The Oxford. And getting into the World's Biggest Fight. And me packing my bags and storming out the door. And him dragging me back into the room, packing his bags and storming out. And then a hangover the likes of which you couldn't imagine if you wanted to, which you don't. It wasn't even make up sex in the shower the next day; it was more Oh My God Get The Toxic Vodka Remants Out Of Every Orafice As Fast As Possible.
TMI. Good morning, folks.
He flew once with a child, 1of3 aged 1 year, without me but with, oh yes you guessed it, his mother. I was pregnant with 2of3, not really super hot on the idea of vacation with, oh yes you guessed it, his mother, and even if I'd wanted to go, I could not be spared from work for even one day because really, the world would collapse in on itself and the polar caps would melt and their would be hurricanes and pestilence and tsunamis of armageddonesque proportions if a bunch of ancient men and drunk doctors didn't get their corned beef hash and eggs by 7:30 am, stat.
I guess I should have just gone, huh?
I have flown internationally multiple times with three children. I have flown domestically with them more times than I can count. Today, I was going to secretly slide the ticketing dude a $50 and a nipple-flash to put me in first class so that The Donor would have to do the whole flight to LA by himself with the kids. The flight tomorrow to Mexico wouldn't work because his sister is coming and she's a Virgo. This whole thing will be orchestrated like the Boston Philharmonic.
And then I had to take a meeting. In LA. With my boss' boss. Like, the dude who writes the paycheck I am about to blow on fast woman and the drink crappy souveniers. So I left the house at 4 this morning to hit the airport and buy my way onto an earlier flight to LA for this meeting. And I wore a seriously low cut shirt. I could use a raise.
That means that my husband's first flight alone with children, ever, will be today. On our way to Mexico. Neener Neener. Of course, I currently have in my possession everyone's luggage, all the presents we have to bring, 18 mini bottles of Axe body spray and Axe shampoo and Axe deodorant and you can judge me all you want, but Axe sells because it is slightly more pleasing in fragrance than a pubescent boy, and it's the only thing strong enough to drown that unholy smell out. Well, except Mexican tequila, but we'll get to that later.
I've also left him with nice neat piles of passports and permits and consent letters and flight schedules, the kids clothes for today laid out, and all of the instructions everyone will need in my absence written out and signed with a heart and a little slice of love. Because I like to overestimate my importance in the household, that's why. I'm like a dominatrix, only in fleece with a Dyson.
The Dyson gets less us than the whip would, for the record. But fuck me, it's dead sexy.
Anyway, this plane is getting ready to take off and I've only had three hours of sleep, like you couldn't have guessed that already, so I leave you with this in case you want to pretend you're my kid or my housesitter today, because I like to overestimate my importance in the internetowebosphere, that's why, and bid you all a fond farewell. I'm going to go drink all the tequila now.
TMI. Good morning, folks.
He flew once with a child, 1of3 aged 1 year, without me but with, oh yes you guessed it, his mother. I was pregnant with 2of3, not really super hot on the idea of vacation with, oh yes you guessed it, his mother, and even if I'd wanted to go, I could not be spared from work for even one day because really, the world would collapse in on itself and the polar caps would melt and their would be hurricanes and pestilence and tsunamis of armageddonesque proportions if a bunch of ancient men and drunk doctors didn't get their corned beef hash and eggs by 7:30 am, stat.
I guess I should have just gone, huh?
I have flown internationally multiple times with three children. I have flown domestically with them more times than I can count. Today, I was going to secretly slide the ticketing dude a $50 and a nipple-flash to put me in first class so that The Donor would have to do the whole flight to LA by himself with the kids. The flight tomorrow to Mexico wouldn't work because his sister is coming and she's a Virgo. This whole thing will be orchestrated like the Boston Philharmonic.
And then I had to take a meeting. In LA. With my boss' boss. Like, the dude who writes the paycheck I am about to blow on fast woman and the drink crappy souveniers. So I left the house at 4 this morning to hit the airport and buy my way onto an earlier flight to LA for this meeting. And I wore a seriously low cut shirt. I could use a raise.
That means that my husband's first flight alone with children, ever, will be today. On our way to Mexico. Neener Neener. Of course, I currently have in my possession everyone's luggage, all the presents we have to bring, 18 mini bottles of Axe body spray and Axe shampoo and Axe deodorant and you can judge me all you want, but Axe sells because it is slightly more pleasing in fragrance than a pubescent boy, and it's the only thing strong enough to drown that unholy smell out. Well, except Mexican tequila, but we'll get to that later.
I've also left him with nice neat piles of passports and permits and consent letters and flight schedules, the kids clothes for today laid out, and all of the instructions everyone will need in my absence written out and signed with a heart and a little slice of love. Because I like to overestimate my importance in the household, that's why. I'm like a dominatrix, only in fleece with a Dyson.
The Dyson gets less us than the whip would, for the record. But fuck me, it's dead sexy.
Anyway, this plane is getting ready to take off and I've only had three hours of sleep, like you couldn't have guessed that already, so I leave you with this in case you want to pretend you're my kid or my housesitter today, because I like to overestimate my importance in the internetowebosphere, that's why, and bid you all a fond farewell. I'm going to go drink all the tequila now.
Reader Comments (53)
From strippers to plants to dead pets. Looks like you pretty much covered it all. You are becoming quite the seasoned business traveler. Navigating LAX and the freeways on 3 hrs sleep? Let me see if I can throw some hazard pay into that check.
"And you'll have to dig it out of Dad's poop tomorrow." Oh. My. God.
I guess when mom means business, she really means it.
And "clean your room like Jesus is having a sleepover in it"? Have to remember that one. May have to use it on grandkids someday.
"Clean your room like Jesus is having a sleepover in it." Holy crap, I wish YOU raised me.
Happy shitfacedness!
I really need you to be my neighbor. I live around such frighteningly boring people. I would water your furkins and feed your plants anytime.
Have a great time in Mexico!
You know, if there's no dancing girls allowed, there's no point in the wife leaving you alone.
You are shear entertainment.
you are so totally my hero. dad's poop!!! coffee and asprin!!
what's an olymipic bag?
i love your handwriting.
I now know that you are a far better (funnier) parent than I; do you mind if I just steal ALL your great lines?
HAHAHAHA. I don't have kids yet, but I'm baking one currently, and I am totally going to attempt to remember this note for when they are old enough to read.
Just one question. What's a teck deck? If it's good enough to dig out of someone's poop I figure I should know!
These are fabulous notes! I agree that you covered everything!
I've read your blog (and many others on the web) for over a year, and "I'm like a dominatrix, only in fleece with a Dyson" is by far the funniest thing I have ever read. Thank you for making me laugh harder than I have in longer than I can remember.
I wish you were my mom.
This is why I couldn't stay at your house. Imagine the note you'd leave me - and how violated you'd feel when you got home to a spotlessly clean place and couldn't feel confident that every surface hadn't been humped upon.
You are my newest hero. Just sayin'.
Have a fabulous trip. Do NOT get arrested. Please remember that last part. It could prove important.
Have a great trip! And I love those notes. You just may be my parenting hero.
What a joy you are. You come up with the darnest things to say. I hope your family appreciates you cause you thought of everything for them. Have a great time in Mexico.
I totally love you. And your letter to the boys? Freaking hilarious.
I totally LOVE you. I LOVE the note to the boys. I am going to use that line one the girl. her room looks like my house. VERY Messy.
Have fun!!!!!
you are awesome. i may be in love. but not in an "i wanna X you kinda way". well not yet. i don't even know you. what? where am i? oh, yeah i think you're hilarious too. how does one become so well-roundedly "the shit", such as you are? im literally dying to know bc i need all the help i can get.
[...] a lighter note, Ryan and I need to go home and clean our apartment like Jesus is having a sleepover in it (I want to be a mom like the woman who wrote that note). We are dogsitting this weekend, and [...]
OMG-I think I love you! I just started reading your blog. Your notes to your kids and your house sitter are priceless! I so would have written that! And you're right about the axe!
Have a great trip!
You write the best notes. EVER. Have a great trip, sweet cheeks.
I'm older than you and I want YOU to be MY mother! for the record, I've NEVER even had that thought occur to me, much less put it out there in the vast internetwebosphere. . .
Your funniness, wait funnyness, is so right up my alley. Why can't I be funny like you?
heart you. I'd drink vodka instead of tequila if I were you. Cleaner hangovers. Just sayin'.
I love it. "Clean like Jesus is coming for a sleep over" I think that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Or at least the funniest thing I've ever heard about Jesus.
You must be the awesome person ever to housesit for. Have fun on vacay!
"I’m like a dominatrix, only in fleece with a Dyson."
You are total awesomeness.
lol...
You've opened a whole new world to me the next time we have someone cat-sit.
You are so fun, Mexico should have had to come to YOU.
mmmm Mojitos. Jealous.
Awesome! Those notes were really great haha!
Well, good luck and have fun on Mexico! :D
We'll just be here in the internetowebosphere waiting for you!
Cheers!
That's some funny shit.
Thank you for the much needed laugh! Have a fabulous time in Mexico!
You have all of the luggage?!? How did you get it on the plane? How sneaky are YOU?!?
You lucky girl. I hope the trip for him and the kids isn't TOO painful but that he does get to experience a LITTLE of the horror that is traveling with kids alone. It's only fair.
have a great trip!
I love you. I wish you would move here and be my mom. No offense to my mom.
Have an AWESOME trip.
ohmyfreakinggodthatwasthehottestimageever.
awesomeness.
YAY!
Now.. you need to figure out a reason to come here.
wow...that's my newest favorite cleaning phrase: "clean like jesus is coming for a sleepover"
Parenting note of the YEAR!!
Hilarious. The notes are the best thing I've seen - keep em coming!
The note to the kids was AWESOME. You rock. LOL at The Donor flying solo with the shorties. Fun for all!
I can't believe you spend about half your life on a computer and yet you HAND-WROTE those notes. My hand would fall off.
LMAO. Lady you are my hero! I hope you have a fantastic trip!
I expect to see some topless shots from Mexican beaches. If they're of you, that would be even better.
I think I'm in love with you. In a totally non creepy way, of course.
"I’m like a dominatrix, only in fleece with a Dyson."
That's some seriously funny shit, right there.
Can the donor really eat a tech deck?
Have a great trip girlie.
"You need to clean your room like Jesus is having a sleepover in it."
I used to think about meeting Jesus when I was a young Catholic elementary school kid and the thought of him sleeping in my room would have scared the shit out of me. But anyway - now my girls are in Catholic school and I'm not sure what their feelings about Jesus are quite yet but I'm totally gonna use that line on them. Whether it inspires them to clean or scares the shit out of them - we'll have to wait and see.
Hope you're having an awesome time down in Mexico with your peeps..... :-)
Sister,...you are HYSTERICAL funny!
"you need to clean your room like Jesus is having a sleepover in it." Brilliant. If I ever have kids, can you write me an instruction manual? Have a tequila-infused blast!
Looking forward for more such stuff. Loved your style of providing the post.
Is it sad that I'm totally impressed that you wrote not one, BUT TWO, handwritten notes? I haven't done that in like, years.
You made me laugh out loud and I almost woke my husband. I should be asleep.
Have a great time!!