;)
Thursday
Jan212010
My Gift Is My Song
Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 1:35AM
Five years ago right now, I was filling out paperwork to get my baby lined up for school in the fall, and seeing the light at the end of the 'I had kids before I was done being one' tunnel. I was going to stop cocktail waitressing. I was finally scheduling my tubal and called the reproductive chapter in my life closed. I was going to go back to school and get my degree in handwriting analysis for the serial killer profiler department of the FBI math education. I had happily set me aside with the birth of my first son, and eagerly added to that postponement with my second, but it was time for me to start figuring out who the hell I was. My life was beginning in 2005 and the future was so bright, I had to wear shades.
I never did go to university. I never got the tubal. I never started on that version of me that I'd placed so much of my hopes and dreams into creating. What I did was start a blog and then get knocked up. Maybe not in that order; we're not sure. The blog came on January 19th, 2005 and the plus on the stick came on January 29th. Then I threw my guts up for 4 months in a way that, if I told you about, you'd be instantly struck with fear-induced infertility, and all the while I counted out the months and the days and the minutes until I'd again be in the position I, quite literally, fucked myself out of, the one where all my kids were in school and moving on with themselves, and I would be finally be afforded the time and opportunity to do the same.
When you're 29, five years seems like a light-age. It's unforgivably long. It's unfathomable that someday you'll be pushing 35 and this baby you didn't know you'd have would come into your life, shake your foundation to the very core, and then abandon you one day for the sweet smiles and soft hands of some high school students studying to be early childhood educators. When you're 34, however, that shit runs up behind you and smacks you in the head when you're not looking, and you hand them $70 a month to make it happen.
The best part is that you have five years from when you think you know everything until you realize that you just don't know jack shit and everything you thought you knew was bollocks.
I don't want to be a serial killer profiler anymore, at least not professionally. I don't want to analyze anything deeper than the existential implications of the Teletubbies. What I do want to do is write. I want to write every little thing down that no one ever told me and hand it to my daughter one day. I want this pen to be mightier than every sword that ever pierced the women in my family. And I never would have known that if I didn't start a blog five years ago, and I didn't start a daughter, too. This blog is her song, and the book it's born is her song, too, because she is my song.
And today, I set her free. Today, that day I counted down to all those years ago happened. She went to school. She loved school. And now, my job here is done. I am afforded the time I thought mattered to me all those years ago, that I know now doesn't at all, but at least this time I know exactly where I go from here.
I never did go to university. I never got the tubal. I never started on that version of me that I'd placed so much of my hopes and dreams into creating. What I did was start a blog and then get knocked up. Maybe not in that order; we're not sure. The blog came on January 19th, 2005 and the plus on the stick came on January 29th. Then I threw my guts up for 4 months in a way that, if I told you about, you'd be instantly struck with fear-induced infertility, and all the while I counted out the months and the days and the minutes until I'd again be in the position I, quite literally, fucked myself out of, the one where all my kids were in school and moving on with themselves, and I would be finally be afforded the time and opportunity to do the same.
When you're 29, five years seems like a light-age. It's unforgivably long. It's unfathomable that someday you'll be pushing 35 and this baby you didn't know you'd have would come into your life, shake your foundation to the very core, and then abandon you one day for the sweet smiles and soft hands of some high school students studying to be early childhood educators. When you're 34, however, that shit runs up behind you and smacks you in the head when you're not looking, and you hand them $70 a month to make it happen.
The best part is that you have five years from when you think you know everything until you realize that you just don't know jack shit and everything you thought you knew was bollocks.
I don't want to be a serial killer profiler anymore, at least not professionally. I don't want to analyze anything deeper than the existential implications of the Teletubbies. What I do want to do is write. I want to write every little thing down that no one ever told me and hand it to my daughter one day. I want this pen to be mightier than every sword that ever pierced the women in my family. And I never would have known that if I didn't start a blog five years ago, and I didn't start a daughter, too. This blog is her song, and the book it's born is her song, too, because she is my song.
And today, I set her free. Today, that day I counted down to all those years ago happened. She went to school. She loved school. And now, my job here is done. I am afforded the time I thought mattered to me all those years ago, that I know now doesn't at all, but at least this time I know exactly where I go from here.
Reader Comments (39)
congratulations. to both o you. cool elephant.
Oh my gosh. That is adorable. It brings back memories. Mine was 4 on the first day of kindergarten. Still a baby, at least in my eyes. They're so big and so little at the same time.
It's looking very unlikely at this point that I will ever be a mother in the traditional sense. But you, you make me want to be one more than just about anyone I read, because of the way in which we are mutually in touch with the dark and the light. And that doesn't make me mad at you in any way, it just makes my heart explode in the most bittersweet of ways.
You can really fucking write it DOWN, mama, and even when I stop reading just about everything and everyone else because of my job and the ensuing exhaustion it causes, I still read you. I hope we get to have a drink or three in Houston next month. Just do. xo.
She looks gorgeous, and so happy! It's a wonderful time. Mine both loved starting school, and I was happy that they started. Some people want to hang onto them forever, but you've got to let them grow.
Writing it down and photographing it (life) as it goes by is such a great way to really hold onto those moments, and to share them again later.
Ah, the first day at school. Such ambivalent feelings. I've seen two off so far, one to go just after Easter. I can remember chomping at the bit for them to go - I was so looking forward to some FREEDOM. But then when it came to it, it was all I could do not to openly weep at the school gate.
I'm imagining with my last child (and she is DEFINITELY my last) it's going to be those feelings again, times ten.
Wish me luck
: My Gift Is My Song http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2010/01/21/preschool/
[...] Whiskey in My Sippy Cup : Surviving Parenting. Kinda. » My Gift Is … [...]
I thought you wanted to be a marine biologist. Goes to show, I'm 53 and don't know jackshit either.
wonderful ! she looks so full of determination . ..
That's great, mr lady. Remember two weeks ago and all of the trepidation that SHE had? Yes, now it's your turn, but it seems to me that you've raised a confident little girl, and that's a great feat!
What a cute outfit. She looks ready for the world.
I have been handing Cooper over to someone 5 days a week since he was 3 months old, and we call it school, but I think until they officially go to big kid school it isn't the same at all. That is so exciting for all of you. And lucky for us you got knocked up so that whole profiling gig never worked out.
Awwww, what a sweet post. Thank you for sharing her song with us.
Oh my goodness. The cuteness!! She is a doll!
Cutest song ever.
I bet those 5 years were worth every minute when you look at that precious child.
She looks so cute! And excited!
This really resonated with me. My kids were both out of diapers and off to school and I could SMELL the freedom. Maybe too much freedom, too much down time to, well, you know. Now I have 3 years until The Baby goes off to school.
My 30's will be a distant memory by that time. Oy!
Congratulations! She looks shiny, scrubbed, and eager. I love it. And I hope you took a deep breath and enjoyed her first day at school as much as she did.
That is a very beautiful post. 3 of 3 looks ready to take on the world of school and kick its a**.
Have a great day!
Congrats Mama! On the blog, book, and getting 3 of 3 to the schooling stage. She's looking so grown up these days-a far cry from the 3 year old that I remember when I started reading you!
Mine is in his last year of elementary. He's about to go into the youth program at church. We're preparing for first communion and everything. I'm a little overwhelmed. I don't know if I'm relieved or disappointed that I'm only doing this once.
She's friggin' adorable. And I hope this means more and more writing for you!
Beautiful little girl, and, umm... me, too.
I remember when mine was that cute...
Now she's 10 on the cusp of REAL PUBERTY. Aghhh...
You do your thing and you'll alway have the memories, images and all.
Congrats to the both of you. Love this post.
I love this song!
Truly life takes turns we dont always understand until it becomes clear years later.
congrats on your book! A dream of mine
Congratulations! She looks ready to take on the world. Now its your turn.
Oh c'mon dude. I'm crying over here. The look on her face....wow.
Has anyone told you that your writing just keeps getting better and better? With each and every post? Cause it is.
:-)
preschool was tough on me this year, so i'm sure i'll be a mess in kindergarten. so glad you started this blog - love your posts. you either make me laugh or cry - depending on my hormones i suppose.
Jeeez----check out her tan?! Texas fits her well!!
makes me glad I have 26 days till I get to start all over.
She looks so happy to be going to school. I hope she is that happy about it when she is 16 too. Congratulations on all of your achievements you never thought you would have. And, most importantly, congratulations on being happy with your life. That is truly the greatest accomplishment of all.
Oh wow, the path of your life is so similar to mine it's eerie to me! I, too, saw the light of the end of the tunnel in 2005 (well, 2004, really, but close enough, right?). I, too, had two kids (a bit too early) and was eager to grow up and get another degree now that they were both in school. I too, got knocked up (just after paying my first tuition bill, thankyouverymuch). I was 28.
Now my youngest is 5, and it sure went by in a blink of an eye. After the kid was potty trained, anyway.
She looks so excited! I hope she is loving it and that you are too!
oh baby, baby ...
omg!!! So so darling!! That is totally brilliant!!!
I'm feeling like I could go toe to toe on the vomit stories....ergh.
What a great post! Thanks for showing the light at the end of the tunnel and making me look forward to the journey as well.
Ah, she's so cute in her "I'm going to school!" gear.
Mine starts kindergarten in the fall, and even though it won't be that different from dropping him off at pre-K now, and even though I've done it before...it's freaking me out. Because he's my last baby, I'm sure.
what a doll face!